POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: derek72 on July 10, 2008, 09:08:49 pm
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A few weeks ago I developed a low grade fever, headache, sore throat, aches, night sweats, sore skin and then a rash all over my body. I had an instance of unsafe sex a week or so prior from the first symptom. I had a very scared sick feeling of what my symptoms meant. I knew they could all mean several things but I just knew that in my heart what was happening to me.
This past year I have been very depressed and not doing anything about it as it continued to get worse. I see now I was often acting very self destructively and really not taking care of myself very well. Within the past 14 months I was dumped by someone I loved very much, had to put my beloved dog of 16 years to sleep, lost a very dear friend and my home is being foreclosed on because my ARM adjusted out of my reach and the whole mess has been weighing very heavy on me emotionally. Instead of reaching out for help I withdrew and really stopped caring. I also started to mess around with things I knew were bad for me in attempts at self medicating. Or course they only made things worse and I sunk deeper still.
I went into NYC to get a pcr test on Monday June 30th and three days later found out that although I was HIV negative the test indicated copies of the virus in my blood. Well thinking I was positive and knowing I was positive are two very different things. I am devastated and cannot believe I allowed this to happen. I see now that what I was doing put me on the path of not "if" I would be infected but "when". At times I'm reduced to fits of sobbing that end only to begin again. I feel like a zombie and have some major things in my life that need my attention.
Where I tested is a NYU research facility and because of my very recent infection they went to study me very badly. Basically they went to start me on meds immediately (Atazanavir, Ritonavir and Truveda) to see what effects early medication has on my long term progression. The thought of taking meds is terrifying and I have been reading voraciously on these boards and thebody.com to learn all I can. Today in the mail I received "The Guide To Living With HIV Infection" by John G. Barltett that I ordered online and I think reading so much so soon is not the best idea because I am even more overwhelmed and upset at what I am facing-that and I could practically write the chapter on preventing transmission but still here I am..positive.
But, some good things have already come from this: I was referred to a great specialist who actually gave me a hug at the end of my first appointment with him, I start therapy next week, my family has been very supportive as well as the closest friends I have told, I have two people in my life that have over 50 years of experience with HIV/AIDS that I can talk to and ask questions of, and I realize that I now need to start taking care of myself and take the right steps to improve things because of what is now at stake-me and my life and they both have value.
I am very glad that these boards exists because it's great to be able to see so many first hand accounts of all that HIV entails. I am taking things day by day and pray for the strength to deal with what the future brings me.
Derek
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Derek,
I'm sorry about your recent difficulties.
Before you start any treatments you MUST have the PCR result confirmed by an ELISA test. If the ELISA test is positive then that will need to be confirmed by another test called a Western Blot.
PCR testing (particularly PCR-DNA) has a tendency to return false positive results.
MtD
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Hey gang, Derek is a friend of mine, so be good to him.
We've had a good talk on the phone, and I'm glad he's reaching out here as well. He's a great guy, and I'm rooting for him.
Peter
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Hi Derek,
Believe me, I can relate. I hope that things are picking up for you soon.
Welcome to the forums. They have helped me a lot over the past few months.
Take care of yourself.
Auspoz.
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Hey Derek,
I can relate to your self-destructing; I've done that myself. The first time I got clean was in 1989. I tested HIV+ in the treatment center. I stayed clean for about 6 or 7 years, then started using again. I stayed in a state of fog until 2 & 1/2 years ago. I made some bad choices (my credit is ruined etc.), but at least I'm clear-headed now.
I'm glad you're talking about this. Seeing a therapist is such a good idea. I've had the same one since 1991 and he's been invaluable. Have you also contacted your local ASO (Aids Service Organization)? They might be able to put you in touch with a good support group.
Good luck and keep reaching out.
Luv,
Betty
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Hey Derek,
You know what they say, when it rains, it pours.
I've too gone through that intense feeling of loss prior to my diagnosis, I even had to say goodbye to my 13 years old dog too. And when things started to get brighter, then came the hiv blow.
But eventually, you get over that too.
Soaking all the info you can about it is a good thing as long as it doesn't become an obsession. I did the same thing, and it helped me to understand better this condition and to feel more in charge of it.
I'm glad you've found us. :-)
Take care and be strong!
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I have to agree with Matty. You need to have the PCR test confirmed. PCR tests are noted for giving false positives and detecting particles that are not related to HIV. Good luck to you.
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Derek,
While it's never a happy occasion when one needs to access this site as a newcomer to HIV, I'm glad that you have the friendship and support of Old Timers close to you. Please try to not spend much time reflecting on the behaviors that got you here, unless you can be certain to learn from them--wallowing is never attractive, and re-living drama can be seductive.
Best,
David
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Welcome Derek,
You've certainly been through a lot of loss and change recently. I'm glad you're taking control by seeking help and reaching out. Keep being strong and arming yourself with great support and knowledge. Try not to overwhelm yourself right now. Digest what you can and nibble on the rest. You're facing this very well and are not alone. Keep us posted. -YaKaMein