POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: castar on March 03, 2012, 10:24:32 pm
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So I have not been on this site for sometime but I thought I would try to get some advice. I recently met a guy on an online dating site and we both are looking for a relationship. We have text back and fourth for a week now and have chatted once on the phone. We did set up a dinner date but he had to reschedule due to a work issue. He will be gone for a week and it just frustrates me. I don't want to lead him on and waste both of our time. I want to tell him about my status but over the phone just seems wrong and would like to do it in person. I dont want to waste my time and start falling for him if he is just going to shut me down due to this stupid disease. I dont know what to do next and I am just super nervous and cant wait to just get it over with.
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Hi Castar, nice to see you again.
I'm an advocate of getting it out there in the open too and I agree that over the phone maybe isn't the best way to go about it. I usually just say it - "You should know that I'm hiv positive" and see where it goes from there.
If I remember correctly, you've been on meds for quite some time now and presumably undetectable, so that means you would be extremely unlikely to infect him.
Make sure you know the ins and outs of transmission - namely that sexually speaking, the only proven transmission route is unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse. The only other way he'd be at risk is if you share drug injecting equipment with him. Really - that's it!
You can kiss and you can give him oral and he can reciprocate without fear of transmission happening. Various things that are done during foreplay are not risks either - it's just unprotected intercourse that is a risk.
These are questions that are bound to go through his head, so the more confident you are of the correct answers, the better.
I've always found that how you feel about hiv yourself has a lot to do with how people react to the news. If you're ashamed or afraid of it, people tend to pick up on it and treat you accordingly. If you deliver the news in a way that suggests it's a big, bad secret, that's going to affect how they react.
I just treat it in a matter of fact way - no different to how I'd tell someone that I'm double jointed or whatever. (I'm not double jointed, but I hope you get my point.)
Good luck with your first date, and please follow the safe meeting practices that anyone should when meeting someone off the internet for the first time.
Meet in a public place. Don't let them pressure you into going somewhere where you'd be alone. It's best to arrive at the venue via your own transportation rather than having them pick you up.
Make sure someone knows where you're going and what time you should be home (and ring them if you're going to be late, so they don't worry). Keep your mobile phone handy at all times and make sure it's fully charged before you go out. If you have a pay-as-you-go account, make sure you've got plenty of credit.
You should also arrange for a friend to ring you - say maybe an hour into the date - just so you can check in with someone and if you need to get out of the situation, your friend can help.
Alternatively, if your phone has a "fake call" function, don't hesitate to use it if you get bad vibes and feel the need to leave. You could pretend a family member is having a crisis and needs you.
Listen to your intuition and gut feelings - they're right more often than they're wrong.
Chances are you won't need any of these precautions, but please have them in place just in case. Better safe than sorry.
Stay safe, have fun, and be sure to let us know how it goes! Good luck hun. :)
Ann