Venting about my mother......

[morethanpoz28]

OK, this may sound stupid but despite being a 38 year old woman, my mother is very enmeshed (i.e., lives through the lives of her children).  She has been very very supportive since learning of my diagnosis, I couldn't ask for a better family or a more positive support system.  That being said, she is making things into competition between me and my partner.  He and I are not married but have been in a serious relationship (with some breaks at times) for the past 7 years.  We were discussing marriage prior to finding out about our status.  Marriage is still an opion but is on the back burner now as we deal with negotiating this new "issue".  Anyway, my mother is in somesort of competition with him to take care of me or something.  She told me after an appointment with her shrink that she feared I was going to choose my partner over her.  My (internal) reaction was,are you crazy? This isn't a competition.  I am not in hospice care with people fighting to povide the right care for me.  She is also really really pissed about the fact that he infected me.  As far as I am concerned he is my man and I am his woman and that's that.  It sucks we have HIV and all that comes with that but I really do not need this shit.  I feel like a whny teenager!  Forgive me but I don't like feeling caught between two of the most important people to me.  I need boh of them and relish their support but I really don't need stress or stupd feelings of jealousy--not at my age.  Not so easy to tell my mom to buzz off. Just wanted to vent.  I am trying to focus on the fact that i dohave sucha n incredible support system but I am really annoyed right now.

[Boo Radley]

morethanpoz,

Sounds like you and Mom need to have a good heart-to-heart.  As your mother she is liable to feel animosity toward the "man who infected her child" but you've got to let her know that's beside the point now.  Has she always disliked your partner or did this occur after you tested poz?   If you've been together close to 7 years he and your mom must have feelings about each other already -- were they on good terms before?   

What matters now is that she offer you and, if she can, your partner support without strings attached.  Try to make her understand her recent behavior is causing you stress.  If she truly wants to support you she'll have to ignore or forget her bad feelings and give you unconditional love and support. 

She doesn't need to worry about "losing" you to your partner unless she causes you to make that choice.  If she was going to lose you to him that probably would have happened in the last 7 years.   Like you said, this isn't a competition and you (and he) can use all the real support you can get. 

Good luck and post here often to keep us up-to-date.

Boo

[blondbeauty]

Let her see how is this situation stressing your life right now. You need unconditional support. Imagine if being diagnosed with HIv is terrible for you, taht how must your mother feel. Understand her but tell her that making you choose is adding more stress to your life right now.

[Bucko]

I concurr. Loving relationships can still be enjoyed while observing limits that keep the toxic stuff at bay.

Brent
(Who won't discuss his mother)

[mjmel]

Mom must feel helpless...no matter what she does, she can't make this go away.
You never made it an issue. You never made it a competition. You have done nothing to create this kind of alarming response.
But what are you going to do? Nada. Nothing. Not until you do some venting and calm down.
It's one of those maternal instinct survival "thing-ies". Some incident might occur to lessen her panic about being THE primary dotting person.
Hopefully it won't be you angry as a hornet.

wishing you the best (glad its you and not me)
xxx.
Mike

[ACinKC]

Maybe you should take a nice trip with her across the country.  Amtrak is always a nice way to go.

Oh and just before you leave on this trip have her watch this movie.  And then tell her what you want from her in regards to support and space!

[dtwpuck]

Wow, honey... this is definitely a fine line you have to walk.

What your mother is feeling about your status (and your partner) is fairly normal.  Believe me, there is nothing I can do to convince my mother that Jimmie was not to blame for my infection, despite the fact that I loved the man until the day he died, as messed up and lonely as he was.  This does not mean that your mother won't come to terms with your partner, but it does mean that it will probably take a while. 

One of the hazards of telling one's family early on is that YOU have to manage their emotions before you are comfortable dealing with your own.  We all make choices on this regard, and everyone has a different situation.  I tend to make special dispensation for mothers, as I believe it is a normal human reaction for a mother to want to protect her child, regardless of their age.  We like to think we are grown ups, but to our mothers we will always be that little boy or girl who held their hands when crossing the street, who cried when left at the babysitter, who was the helpless infant they couldn't help but to love.  Remember that your mother loves you in a way that she loves no one else. 

You can still resolve this issue, and your mother's feelings might get hurt a little, but it is still important to talk about it.  This is the "heart to heart" that Boo refers to above.    Just remember... put yourself in her shoes...  I don't know if you have children, but if you don't, I suspect most mothers would tell you that they would have a similar initial reaction.  It's very very hard for a parent to deal with even the potential loss of a child.  Some psychologists consider the loss of a child to be the single biggest trauma a human being can suffer.  So please, be compassionate of her fears when you are talking with her.

You are very lucky to have a support system like you describe.  I suggest you do your best to preserve it and use this difficulty as an opportunity to understand one another, to be tolerant of each other's needs and human weaknesses, and to grow together.

And, tell your mother that you love your partner.  Look her straight in the eyes as only a daughter can do and tell her that he is the one for you.  The infection is a secondary issue that you have forgiven.  And, please, if she loves you to stop making this difficult time more difficult.     This might not be an easy conversation, and there might be tears, there might be anger... but I suspect that if you understand where she is coming from, you might be able to find a way to talk to her to get her to understand that YOU understand HER and you expect HER to understand YOU.

Best of luck on this.  We're here to listen.

Hugs,
Scott

[morethanpoz28]

Thanks to all who posted.  It feels so good to vent to my new other "family." 

Boo, you are right, I need to have that haart to haart (hee hee) with her.  Not easy as she is...shall we say very opinionated but loving.  She has never really liked anyone I dealt with but has merely tolerated them.  This partner she liked but felt uneasy when we kept breaking up and getting back together (drama drama).  I think she is trying to come to terms with my diagnosis and her mistaken and antiquated notions about HIV--the same way I felt (wow I can actually put that in the past tense).  However, I have to LIVE not merely exist and she cannot protect me from the boogeyman anymore.  I think she feels she has failed in some way.

Scott, as you say I am trying to focus on the postive aspects in terms of having this support system and it has made me realize that I have to be really careful about not only to whom I disclose but why I am doing it.  I am in a position now of having to protect her now and how anxious she is about what is happening with me.  So I learned a lesson here but I don't regret it, I was falling apart when I first learned of my status.  Also I do understand the depth of her emotions as I have a little 8 year old boy who is my joy. 

Blondbeauty and Brent, I do have to try and help her learn how to be of help and support to me.  The only issue is that I am still figuring out the kind of help I need.   But it is definitely NOT to try and put a wedge b/w my partner and I.

Mike, you were right.  I could not say anything to her yesterday, and I will have to carefully consider what I will say b/c I do love and respect my mom.  she really is a good woman and only wants what (she thinks) is best for me.

AC, All I can say is rofl and lmao.  Thanks for the laugh!!!

Love and Kisses   

Lisa