reinventing myself......what to do?

[roy100]

Its been 2 months since I found out I have Aids.
My new lab test wont be until the end of the month.
The first set of test show -100,000 vl, and 46 cd.
I am feeling a lot better know, as I was in my death bed and did not realize it.

As I feel better , I start to wonder what to do, what to do with my social life, what my attitudes can be, where can I get friends.

Here are some thoughts I have..........
Old friends I had, I cannot go on with their friendship, since I slept with them and probably infected them. This is terrible to say, but this is the case. I cannot go back to them and say , Hi , I have AIDS.
They will wonder about themselves, I have read in the newspaper , of people killing someone who infected them. So this is out of the question.

I was told by the priest to be celibate, to avoid spreading infection, and with my low numbers I might just catch something even a cold or a sinus infection. I don't even feel I will be able to perform sexually because all the guilt and mental anguish of coming down with something.


I have thought of meeting other people with AIDS but with my bad numbers I might get some of their opportunistic infections that I don have yet?

I was a sex addict, and don't really have friends left, just family members , but they are living their own life and going their path.
Last night I went to the shopping Mall, I went to a casino there played for a while, I was the only one alone.
The young gay crowd are all busy cruising , you all know how is this. I am mature 53 years old, having to reinvent myself, and counting the tools I have to do it.
So far getting to know about the disease has kept me busy, but when you go out alone , and the night come , its another day that after being practically reborn again , I have to make this gift its worth .
Please share some ideas and thoughts with me!
Thanks .

[Matty the Damned]

Its been 2 months since I found out I have Aids.
My new lab test wont be until the end of the month.
The first set of test show -100,000 vl, and 46 cd.
I am feeling a lot better know, as I was in my death bed and did not realize it.

As I feel better , I start to wonder what to do, what to do with my social life, what my attitudes can be, where can I get friends.

Here are some thoughts I have..........
Old friends I had, I cannot go on with their friendship, since I slept with them and probably infected them. This is terrible to say, but this is the case. I cannot go back to them and say , Hi , I have AIDS.
They will wonder about themselves, I have read in the newspaper , of people killing someone who infected them. So this is out of the question.

I was told by the priest to be celibate, to avoid spreading infection, and with my low numbers I might just catch something even a cold or a sinus infection. I don't even feel I will be able to perform sexually because all the guilt and mental anguish of coming down with something.


I have thought of meeting other people with AIDS but with my bad numbers I might get some of their opportunistic infections that I don have yet?

I was a sex addict, and don't really have friends left, just family members , but they are living their own life and going their path.
Last night I went to the shopping Mall, I went to a casino there played for a while, I was the only one alone.
The young gay crowd are all busy cruising , you all know how is this. I am mature 53 years old, having to reinvent myself, and counting the tools I have to do it.
So far getting to know about the disease has kept me busy, but when you go out alone , and the night come , its another day that after being practically reborn again , I have to make this gift its worth .
Please share some ideas and thoughts with me!
Thanks .

Ok there is all sorts of wrong in this post.

Firstly, you don't know that you infected anybody. Presuming you didn't rape folks, then the people who had sex with you are responsible for their own sexual health. In any event, HIV is difficult to transmit you may have infected nobody at all.

Secondly, stop talking to the priest about this stuff. He's a fucking idiot. HIV is easily preventable by the correct use of condoms and lubricant for anal and vaginal sex. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be able to have a sex life without worrying about transmitting the virus to others.

Thirdly, get some proper psychiatric help. It's pretty clear that you're not coping with your diagnosis and you need some professional mental help. You're newly diagnosed and you're seeing the world through that prism. Things will get better.

Finally, remember we are always here for you.

Regards,

MtD

[Moffie65]

I am 10 years your senior, and met my HIV- sweetheart a full five years into my infection.  (1988)  His comment was, so you have the HIV, big deal?  We have now been happily married for 22 years, and he is still HIV-. 

I agree with Matty, your list of friends is the least of your worries.  Take his advise and get some personal help. 

Tim.

[Andy Velez]

Hi Roy,

Although these past two months may feel like an age to you, it's actually a very short time in which to have been absorbing and adjusting to this change in your life. The first thing to pay attention to is your health, to make sure that your numbers and other issues are being monitored by a doctor with whom you can form a good working partnership to keep you healthy.

You don't have to rush about other questions you have brought up. As Matty has pointed out, at this point you don't actually know for sure that have infected anyone else. As far as disclosure is concerned, take a look at our lesson on the subject. 

Depending on where you live there maybe an AIDS service organization which offers counseling and perhaps even group therapy. If you can't locate those services you might ask your doctor for suggestions. As with many other matters in life, getting adjusted to living with HIV is not something to do in isolation.

You're still the person you were before this happened. You may want to look at what you want to have be different in your life. And there's no rush. Take your time getting connected to where you are really at and what is best for you as you move on with your life.

And of course you're always welcome here to talk about anything that's on your mind.

Welcome.

[roy100]

Thanks so much for all your answers, its soothing for the soul.
I will take one day at a time

[Andy Velez]

Roy, that "one day at a time" sounds like a good plan to me.

Remember you can always come here to talk about anything on your mind.

Cheers.