POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: Queen Tokelove on August 13, 2007, 06:04:36 pm
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I wish I could pick my own family. Let me try to give you all the breakdown. I was adopted when I was 12 but still had ties to my biological family, my mother's kids which there are 5 of us, 4 girls and 1 boy. But sadly we have never really been a family, always dysfunctional. I don't really get along with my 2 oldest sisters. I was living with my oldest sister when I found out I was poz, the health dept came to my house. She suggested that I tell my other sister which was the biggest mistake of my life, she told everyone she could and then later on my oldest sister decided to chime in. Thus began my issues with disclosure.
Let's jump ahead a bit shall we? My one sister raised my son. Why? At the time, I was having problems, that is the short version. In March of this year, I get a letter in the mail from the courthouse, saying they were having a hearing about custody of my son which was news to me. I went to the hearing and they gave me temporary custody of my son. Ever since then both sisters have always had stuff to say about how I raise him. My son has more freedom than the average kid his age but he is very mature for his age too. I don't make him out to be an angel but all in all he is not a bad kid.
Over the weekend, my son got jumped by some other kids. I was at home and had my phone turned off, sleeping. A friend of my son's was trying to get ahold of me but when she couldn't at first, she gave the police my sister's number. Big mistake but she didn't know any better. Because I give my son freedom, she says I treat him like he is my room mate and not my son. Her solution when he would get in trouble was ground him like he was doing jail time. And I am not exaggerating my last statement. My son and I have very good communication, I always tell him he doesn't have to lie to me about anything. My sister hears stuff from who knows then wants to yell at him when she doesn't even know the full story. Now moving to today, my sister knew about him getting jumped but was telling people he was beat out of his clothes til he was naked which was not true. The truth was they took his pants off of him and took his money, cell, and shoes. When I told my son this, he took it upon himself to call my sister and confront her about it. I guess it got heated and he hung up on her. She leaves him a message saying that she was the one who raised him and he should act like he appreciates it. Now that he is with his AIDS infested mammy who doesn't know how to be a mother. And when she sees him on the street, she is going to treat him like a man, as in get physical.
I warned my son that she will try to embarrass him wherever she sees him and I know more than likely she will use the fact that I am poz to do it. I don't think his friends know at all, that is not something, you would tell your friends, ya know. I am feeling for my son cause I know how she operates. I feel totally useless and am quite upset. I should be use to it cause she has done it to me most of my life. My son doesn't deserve it.
Thanks for listening to me vent. I know I could've vented in the main forum but sometimes feels like it's a charity case.
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Hi Queen~
I know from previous posts that your sis is a piece of work. Everything I read here just echos "insecurity" in my head. Sounds like she is into calling attention to herself and looking like a big shot, trying to take the credit for a lot of things.
You should know that just because you and your sister have different views on how to raise your son, doesn't mean that you are wrong in what you are doing. I believe that you know this already.
The fact that your sis wants to get physical with your son on the streets is assinine! It also sounds like there is no way to avoid her. Hell, she even sounds like she may seek the two of you out just to spite you. Its good that you and your son have such an open relationship, because if and when your sis finger-points at your son, and uses your status to try and humiliate him publicly, I believe it could be very difficult for him. Sure, he knows she's "impossible" but still, that kind of emotional hatred cuts deep.
Can you run and hide in the same town? No. Can you try a peace offering with your sis and hope for some good changes? Unlikely. Can you pick up and move with your son and maybe start fresh somewhere else? Would you even consider that? It may be just what you need. It would definitely be quieter. That choice, is up to you.
I'm here if you need to vent some more, and I still have a pretty high kick if you need back-up!
Love You!
~Cindy
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Moon,
You just don't know how bad I wish I could move out of state and start somewhere else. But it is just not financially possible. I hide enough being in the house the way I do. I mean I go over friends' houses but never really goes out to socialize. She will not seek me out but she will go out her way to embarrass my son. I know it will be very painful for my son and I wish I could spare him that and am worried what could happen when it does.
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Hi Queen!
Just a little something to help you get through.
Dear Lord,
I thank you for this day. I thank you for my being able to see and hear this morning. I am blessed because you are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and you keep on blessing me. Forgive me for this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.....
I ask now for your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and everyday to clear my mind so that I can hear from you. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over,and it's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray you listen to me heart. Continue to use me to do your will continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak......
Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know you intimately. I pray for those who don't believe.
But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers and for each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, and love and joy in their homes and in their hearts. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in his hands to fight.
Queen, I know that it might be hard for you because this is your sister, but just know that no weapons that's formed against you shall prosper.
Love always Camry.
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Camry~
That was a nice post. Its so hard to be grateful and patient when the world seems to be "dumping" on us! I will pray for Queen, too!
Good vibes your way, Queen! (Don't eat any asparagus tonight, OK?)
~Cindy
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Hey Queen. sorry stuff is going like that. i remember you mentioning before that you have had problems with that your sister. It's bad enough that your son got jumped but to also have to deal with that type of drama really sucks. I'll be thinking of you. Cristy
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Hi Queen
Hope your stomach calms down asap!
About your son, it's hard for me to comment b/c I have no kids and have never been in a similar situation. I hear your pain though. I would say that maybe, maybe (just a suggestion), the only way is to surprise your sister by acting unexpectadly. See, she fully expects you to get upset and annoyed and that's why she does those things.; Obviosuly she feels rejected that after all the years that she raised your son he does prefer you! Which is undestandable as you are his mum (and she sounds nuts on top).
I think the only way to somehow resolve this is to somehow approach this differently than ever before. With a cool head. I know it's hard and I'm the last one who has a cool head (only in writing but hardly in reality). If somehow you and your son, together, could approach her as a unit, she will not be able to attack both of you (I hope!). Maybe if you came over, maybe with a mutual friend or relative, sat down with her, told here you value her opinion, blah blah blah. I am not saying to kiss ass or whatever just to kind of let her know that what she did is appreciated and now it's time to move on but she will always be important for you, but also draw the line. Like I will listen to you and I value your advice into consideration but he is living with me now and I make the rules b/c that's my experience and I really try to do what's best for him. But really cool and confident like and not from anger... I think your sister's acting up (what's this about getting physical?!) because she's like an insulted little child rolling on the supermarket floor right now. Some people don't know how to communicate any needs besides "gimme now"...
Hope this wasn't out of line, I'm just throwing the idea and it might be completely irrelevant to your situation
Need some rest! It's almost 03.00 and have to be up in 5 hours...
Get well soon,
modified to add: yes and i didn't address the "aids infested" but b/c that is so nasty it leaves me speechless. I think it is best ignored. It mut hurt like her though. I hurt just reading it. Just trying to be practical here (stomach says: kick her butt, but trying to use head and not throw oil on the fire).
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Camry--- I understand the forgiveness thing but I am done forgiving and turning the other cheek. I have done it too many times and still with the same result. I am not christian but pagan and prays for strength in all things. I wonder why my god/goddess allows this to happen? I have done nothing to her in the past, other than let her raise my son, thinking it was best to keep him with family, wrong there.
Dragonette-- There is no talking to her. And if I was to bring someone else, it would only fuel her fire because she would try to embarass me even more. I don't think she would be physical with me because she is afraid of getting infected. I agree that the only reason she is acting this way is because my son acknowledges me as his mother even though I did not raise him and he is happier with me whereas he was miserable with her. I feel bad for him because I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, I did speak with my son earlier about her trying to embarass him in front of his friends by telling them I am + but he said he is not worried about it. I told him, I am worried because if his friends do find out, I don't want them to treat him differently. I do not value anything she has to say because nothing spews from her mouth but pure hatred for me even before I was +. There is no one else in my family who could talk to her because my other sister does the same thing when she has the chance. My brother lives in GA and he is actually close to my hating sister. When I tried to talk to him in the past about being poz, he kinda blows the convo off or changes the subject. I have no one here in my town that I can really talk to about it. My friends know the things she says but none of them know my status, so they don't understand. If it wasn't for my sisters, I wouldn't have a problem disclosing but because of their actions, I don't.
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Wow I am very sorry to hear that! Isn't it insane how your family can be the first to turn on you? I have had a similar issue with my dad and his wife while back. Huge hugs to you!
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Wow I am very sorry to hear that! Isn't it insane how your family can be the first to turn on you? I have had a similar issue with my dad and his wife while back. Huge hugs to you!
I love my sisters simply because they were born my sisters if that makes sense? But my motto has always been family is the first to fuck you over and that is sad because it is not suppose to be that way. I have friends who treat me more like family than my own family does.
Asaint-- *smacks hand lightly*...Next time PM me if you want to comment but I appreciate your thoughts. I have dreamed of beating the shit out of her but it would be my luck that she would get infected during the fight. No need to put a restraining order on her because I really don't see her. The last time I did see her was this past Mother's Day at a family function at her house which then it was all kisses. The only reason she wanted me there was to see what I looked like because she thought I was on deaths door. Her comments about being aids infested only shows her ignorance, she obviously does not know the difference between being + and having aids.
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I'll PM you.
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Hey Queen-
This might not make much sense. It's very early here (I had to get up early for my mom's memorial). Anyway, when someone has a "superiority" complex, it's usually because they have low self esteem. This is no way excuses your sister. She's an adult and should handle her problems like an adult. I'm sure she's pissed about your son choosing you over her. Years ago, my daughter went to live with my brother and sister-in-law in another state because I had the wasting and was practically dead. When I got custody back of my daughter, my sister-in-law was so pissed, that she destroyed all my daughter's personal things before we could get them back. I always allowed my daughter to have quite a bit of freedom because she was always real mature also. It was easier for me, though, because my sister-in-law lives in another state. I wouldn't even dream of telling you to face your sister head-on. I would avoid her like the plague! It sounds like that's what she is-the plague.
Just take care of you and know that if your son's friends find out, your son said he is o.k. with that. That's his choice. If his friends know you, they probably won't change anything with your son. Sometimes younger people are the most open-minded. Your sister is acting like a jack-ass. Let people see it for what it is. I'll be sending some healing energy your way! :-* :-*
Betty
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Hey Queen- This might not make much sense. It's very early here (I had to get up early for my mom's memorial). Anyway, when someone has a "superiority" complex, it's usually because they have low self esteem. This is no way excuses your sister. She's an adult and should handle her problems like an adult.
I agree with Betty 100% on this, its the "insecurity" thing rearing its ugly head with your sis.
~Cindy
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Maybe so but I still have to deal with her rantings and honestly I am sick of it. I just think it's unfair that all these years even before I was poz I had to deal with her shit. I know you should never wish anyone any ill will but you just don't know the things I have wished for her including a horrible death. She is diabetic like me and at times I wish something would happen and she would just die already. I would go to her funeral but I would be the one person who would have nothing nice to say about her and would be the one to piss on her grave. I never like to say I hate anyone but I hate her..... >:(
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Queen-
It's o.k. to hate her. You feel how you feel and that's important. It's not fair that you have had to live with this kind of emotional abuse for so long. I think your sister needs to see a shrink and a counselor. Until then, I really don't see much changing. We have a saying in recovery: "Life ain't fair and people don't act right." I don't know who came up with that, but I'm sure they weren't aware of the ramifications it would have on those of us for years to come. Hang in there sweetie. You're one strong woman.
Peace-
Betty
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Thanks, Betty. I appreciate your support....
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I wish I really didn't have anything to update on this thread but my sisters are at it again.......
It is official, my oldest sister went out her way to tell a man who use to live in my building that I have AIDS. Usually it is my other sister who yells it from the mountain tops but then they often take turns like a tag team and slam me when they can. I know it is my oldest sister this time because she sells this man her pain medication. While visiting a friend yesterday, I stopped home to check my mail, one of my neighbors who use to be a cousin by marriage, pulls me to the side and says,"I have some bad news, L (the man who gets pain pills from sister) says you have AIDS." I played it off by saying oh my sisters have been saying that for years, that's why I don't deal with them. And to top it off, my other sister now works here in the building. Of course, she can't openly say something to somebody because it would cost her, her job but it's not past her to put my older sister up to saying something. But that's just freaking great, this place is already a giant gossip mill, this is the last thing I need. After dwelling on this like I have, I have come to the conclusion that this is another tag team move from my sisters.
As if I'm not stressed enough, if you have read dating thread you know why and will not repeat it here. I'm just fucking tired of this. How long am I suppose to try to grin and bear it or try to ignore it when they keep spreading it. This isn't something that just started happening, this has been going on since they found out I was poz which I told them thinking it would make us closer and I would have some support. This has been ongoing for 10 fucking years...You would think their mouths would get tired. >:( >:( >:( >:( >:(
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Hi Latte GF~
My family knows my status, but its not something I run to them about, seeking support. The stigma is still there. Reading about your sisters, I liken it to the situation with my "best friend" from high school. We met in 9th grade when we were 14. I got my diagnosis in '93 and didn't tell ANYONE except for my BF, who would become my husband. Anyway, I finally told Debbie in 2002, after years of being friends, after standing by her, after being maids of honor in each other's weddings.
Why didn't I initially tell her back in '93? I feared she would open her wide mouth to match her wide ass (_l_). Yep, not long after I told her, she stopped taking my calls. I think initially she was in denial and didn't know how to accept that her best friend was pos. Soon after she had her husband answer the phone whenever I called, and guess what? She told her entire family. Her mother was the town crier where I grew up and went to high school, so I am sure everyone knows. I don't see those people much these days so what do I care? It was more of a private thing in order to protect my parents, since they live over that way still, and really, it was no one's business. My "best friend's" little sis was the only one who stuck up for me when wide ass dropped the bomb to her mother and three siblings, along with their spouses and in-laws. Turns out my "best friend" said to her little sis, that if I had been a true friend I would've told her sooner.
Yep, wide ass (_l_) had to turn my status into something about HER, so she could get some attention. Amazing what some people do to mask their own insecurity.
And she teaches second grade. Imagine that.
So, I equate your sisters with my "sister" and I haven't spoken to her in five years since I disclosed to her. That is, not until this past July 4th when my family and I ran into her. She acted like nothing had happened. I should have asked her if she wanted to get together for lunch sometime and mess with her wide ass (_l_), I mean, with her head.
Next time I see her, I'm gonna lay into her like she deserves. I don't care if there are kids around.
Be happy you are moving to a new building where your sis isn't working. They sound so narrow-minded and I used to think blood was thicker than water, but I would just write both of them off. Its useless trying to deal with ignorant people sometimes, and your energy needs to be focused elsewhere.
Love You Latte GF,
~Powder GF
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Lord have mercy,
I feel your frustration. I don't have any sisters so I don't know what "that" is like, but I too had a best friend from age 12, who was the first person I actually told, and she went on to blab it all to all of our mutal friends.
Needless to say I was livid, and ripped her a new asshole for it. But at the time I understood why, she was just eager to share the news of the day kind of thing, yet it does not justify what she did with out asking my permission first.
Medical info is personal shit, and having people talk about you if just fucking wrong.
So I agree with ML, just try to distance yourself as much as possible from your sisters, and if they ask why you're being so cold, just rip into them, and really explain that telling ANYONE about your status is not acceptable with out your consent.......
much love
later alligator,
Nicole
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It doesn't matter if I yell at them til I am blue in the face, they will find some reason to try to justify it. I almost feel like they are doing it so they can make sure I am alone. Like if we tell everybody then no one will want her type of thing. Yes, I am moving but the town I am in is somewhat small and the black community seems even smaller. Most everyone knows everyone so I am sure the word is out. Where I am moving to I really don't know anybody so it should be peaceful.
I haven't told my best friend yet even though she is aware of what they have been saying. She gets mad about it and says it wouldn't change the way things are with us. But I still can't bring myself to tell her even though I have thought about it several times.
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Gee, Queen. You haven't told your best friend? You are likely holding yourself back from some great support if she's as they say on Grey's Anatomy " your person."
Several of my closest friends' responses were, " Why did you wait so long to tell me?" And, they have all been compasssionate, sweet and we have simply picked up where we left off and the topic rarely comes up unless I bring it up.
Your sisters are fucked up...big time. Zero doubt about it. And, I am so sorry that is what you have for female family members. So, I'm thinking they are wanting to be the Katie Couric's of their circles, passing out the news and gathering the reactions, plus they're jealous of your cute tan face and finally, they are so woefully disconnected with themselves, they can't possibly relate to you or anyone else in a meaningful way. Rest assured you're not the only person in the world they treat like shit!! They are professionals.
But, your social skills are excellent. Your sense of humor is a scream. And, you've found a bunch of women here. You're tight with Powder and you'll be adding to your stash as time goes on. So, here you are at the Sistah Store where you can be in touch with a set of new sistahs from across the coutry and around the world. I just learned today that our precious Tendai is from Zimbabwe!!!
Now if your screwed up sisters knew of us, they'd be even more jealous of you and your broad network of folks. Uh-huh, you heard me. Jealous.
Head high, love, head high.
I hope you get to negotiate this gas bill thing. I think anything's possible. It might even require a face-to-face with someone at the gas company. Give them a diluted version of your hopes and gusto and why you're moving and get them to buy into your vision. Ask them what you can do, what would they advise their sister or mom to do if they were in the same spot. PERSONALIZE it for the representative with whom you speak. In person beats phone if you can do it.
Hug and a half.
Em
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Queen,
i wrote you b4 but the server crushed >:(. i am really sad, annoyed and murderously angry at your sisters. it's no one's biz and like most people of a certain age you have a few health issues which are private. you can start your own romour mill saying that your sister(s) is a nutcase, which should be more evident.
yes roumours are one way to ruine someone's peace of mind without being held liable from a legal POV. it is so cowardly and low... hopefully most people will have the sense to realize they are talking out of their asses.
stay strong,
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Your sisters are fucked up...big time. Zero doubt about it. And, I am so sorry that is what you have for female family members. So, I'm thinking they are wanting to be the Katie Couric's of their circles, passing out the news and gathering the reactions, plus they're jealous of your cute tan face and finally, they are so woefully disconnected with themselves, they can't possibly relate to you or anyone else in a meaningful way. Rest assured you're not the only person in the world they treat like shit!! They are professionals.
Head high, love, head high.
We could get the Sistah Posse to pay them a visit, JK!
LOL, "Chin up, tits out!" Momma always said............ :P
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You just don't know how many times I thought of their demise. And being that I watch a bit of CSI..... ;D But I think it is official, the I have aids rumor has begun to spread in my building. I got on the elevator today and one of my neighbors was giving me this very sad look. Kinda like you poor girl when before she use to laugh and joke with me. It's the beginning of the end.
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Latte GF~ You DON'T have AIDS, you are healthy, despite all the shit you have to put up with. You are just high-maintenance. Just keep smiling at your neighbors and carry on casual conversation like you always have. YOU haven't changed, you are still you. The problem with this damn virus is that the "public" is ignorant to it and doesn't know how to deal with it, so they get scared. Be your usual cool self and break the ice if you need to (chin up.....). Chances are your neighbors think they have to treat you differently. Show them that isn't the case. Worst case, you are moving soon so you'll be in a new place with a new start.
OK, Sustiva is kickin' and I am using the backspace key too much now.
~Powder GF