Establishing Contact for the 1st Time

[RetMilGuy]

Hi Everyone:  I was given the news of being HIV positive in August 2005 and am just now able to actually join the group and hopefully establish some friendly contacts who I can relate to.  I am a 52 y.o., retired Army Lieutenant Colonel (medical type) who has always been active in church and community events.  I have maintained absolute nondisclosure to all my friends and family with the exception of my partner of 28 years.  I would really love to have others that I could talk to and be open with.  I feel so isolated and yet am terrified of what I might lose if I were to disclose.  I really can't face the questions of how did this happen or how I allowed myself to get to this place.  I also hear the people at work talk about HIV/AIDS and gays in the most ignorant manner and I just sit by quietly.  I am well known in the community and do not want my medical history to be a source of gossip or conjecture.  Recently I became involved in the local Ryan White Consortium as a "community member" interested in HIV/AIDS programs.  I sit there and wonder whether they think I am positive  or what my motivations are.  Anyway, this is a first step in moving past the diagnosis and reaching out to others.  I will try to not be a downer for people.  I just want to meet others like myself and connect. 

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Welcome to the Forums, RMG. 

I have been pos for almost 15 years and only started reaching out last year.  Its a scary place to be, feeling like you're isolated from everyone, not being comfortable disclosing.  Hopefully you will find this Forum a safe place, where you can vent and interact with people who won't judge you for being pos.

Thanks for saying hello!

~ Cindy in Maryland

[bear60]

Hi! Good to see you here.

[BT65]

Hi RetMilGuy,

Welcome to the forums.  I really hope to hear more from you.  Good luck with the consortium.
  Luv,
Betty

[anniebc]

Hi Ret

Just wanted to join the others and welcome you to the forums...I hope you stay around so we can get to know you better.

Good luck with the Ryan White Consortium, I hope you stay an active member there..and if anyone has the nerve to ask you why you are there just simply say "because I care about those who are living with HIV"...easy..

Hugs
Jan

[CJWAUS]

Welcome Sir

I myself started out Navy ROTC then went to the USMC, didn't stay there very long and then became a Deputy Sheriff.

[OzPaul]

Hey Ret

Welcome to our global family.  

Good luck with the Consortium. Hope to see more from you here.

Paul

[J.R.E.]

  I also hear the people at work talk about HIV/AIDS and gays in the most ignorant manner and I just sit by quietly. 

There are plenty of ignorant and insensitive people in this world.  I was diagnosed positive in 1985. I told my family shortly after my diagnosis. For me, It is something I have never regretted.  I also told some of my closest friends. I still have these friends today. Some friends also decided to distance themselves from me, it hurt quite a bit.( some of these people were friends that I had known for over 45 years.) You certainly  find out who your true friends are ! One place I will not disclose in, is the workplace.


I was also in the army. Drafted back in 1971. I also have a partner of 28 years,( in about another week, we have our anniversary) he is HIV negative.


Anyway,... Just wanted to say hello and welcome you. it's great that you've made the connection here !


Take care-----Ray

[Buckmark]

Welcome, RMG.  Non-disclosure is in a sense a form of isolation, and isolation of many types has the potential for unpleasant consequences in our minds and in our life.  Coming here is a good first step.

Disclosure is indeed a risk.  Like so many risks, it has the potential for reward, or disappointment.  You may come to a point in your life where you believe it is worth the risk.  Keeping anything bottled up for too long just takes too much energy, and can end up being destructive.  Kinda like being gay and coming out.  The friends and family who love you will stand beside you no matter what, though it may take them some time to adjust. 

When you say "I really can't face the questions of how did this happen or how I allowed myself to get to this place" do you mean you can't face the questions from others, or from yourself?  Oftentimes with HIV+ people I have known it is the latter.  So if you work on facing your own questions, and possibly any confusion or even guilt associated with this, handling those questions from others becomes much easier.  The right therapist can be a big help.

You also state that you don't want your medical history (which I assume means HIV status) to be a source of gossip or conjecture, because you are well known in your community.  One way to address this head-on is through disclosure -- empower yourself, and beat them to the punch.  Of course, you're old enough to know by now that people are going to say and do what they wish, anyway.  But there's also the potential f your disclosure as a have good consequences, not just bad consequences.

I'm not saying that any of this is easy, or comes quickly.  But I think if you hang out here long enough, eventually you'll be inspired by some of the folks here to help you make the changes you want to make.

Regards,

Henry

[Iggy]

Anyway, this is a first step in moving past the diagnosis and reaching out to others.

It is a great and important step.

Welcome!

I look forward to getting to know you on the boards.

[RetMilGuy]

Thanks to all who took the time to respond and offer encouragement.  Most of the time I am so busy with work, my home, church and vol activities that I don't think about being HIV+ until time for my meds.  Then again, on other days it feels like a cloud is hovering over me and I go from a "pity party" to just wanting to be alone with my thoughts.  I am blessed in many many ways but I'm also a product of my environment, i.e. Bible Belt, Southern (proud but with alittle baggage to go with it), military officer, etc. etc.  The pace of my evolution is slow, slow, slow but I'm coming around to a better me and a better place.  I don't want to get sappy but I do thank you all for being open to a newbie.  Take care.

[BT65]

RetMilGuy,

I think it's great that you're so active.  Is there anyone in your church you could open up to about having HIV?  The pastor maybe?  Just wondering; sometimes it helps to have a "live" person to talk with.  Good luck.
  Luv,
Betty

[aztecan]

Hey RetMilGuy,

I think you have taken a very important first step coming here. I hope you find these forums as supportive and comfortable as I do.

Glad you're here and I hope to see more from you as we walk the path together.

HUGS,

Mark

(Who also is in his 50s.)

[AlanBama]

Hi RMG, and welcome to AIDSmeds!   We're a pretty good group, if I do say so myself.....

Glad you've found us, and I look forward to hearing more from you.

Hugs,

Alan

(also in the Bible Belt and in his 50's)

[Basquo]

Welcome RMG!  These forums and the friends I have here mean the world to me, and I found myself here at a time when I only had one live person to talk to about HIV other than my doctor. I hope you feel at home here as I do.

Best,
Creighton

[tooltimer]

To RetMilGuy,

My situation is very similar to yours except I am not in the military. I have disclosed my HIV status to only a few friends and only when the time was right. I have been POZ for 11 years. I feel disclosure can definitely be a risk.  If I grew up in NYC or San Francisco and had parents that were exposed to gays and HIV, I might feel more comfortable to come out. But I grew up in the midwest in a very conservative suburban community. What do I have to gain and what do I have to lose by disclosing my status?  I consulted with a therapist. He told me I should come out about being gay and HIV+ because I was creating stress for myself. Unfortunately, even though I live in the south, my parents and family live in the midwest. I over heard my parents having a discussion with other relatives. They said they knew someone in town that had a son that was gay and HIV+.  My Mom's comment to my Aunt was " I'm so glad that will never happen in our family." My Mom said she would be so embarrassed.  Thus, if I disclose my status to my parents, the potential to destroy a wonderful loving relationship of 55 years to aging sick parents seems far riskier than what I have to gain.

I don't think a therapist or a clergy member should be the one to tell you what to do. I think they can be helpful listeners, but only if they support your decision.

I'd like to discuss this further, but today being the first time I have been a member of the forum, I can't figure out how to send a message or email

I welcome comments from other members and look forward to using the forum as an educational tool.     

[Mike89406]

Hey Retired guy. Let me say 1st and foremost I am active duty Navy an Aviation Mechanic type I've been in almost 16 1/2 yrs and will beretiring at 20yrs. I was diagnosed in the spring of 2002 and believe I seroconverted in the winter of 2001.

For me I have had to deal with being POZ and doing my job which hasn't been an issue per say but I do get asked questions from time to time as to why I cannot be stationed in a deployable unit, so I am on permanent shore duty. Fortunately I have a great support network with my wife and daughter. I haven't disclosed to anyone on my side except when I had to disclose to doctors or medical personnel for a couple of operations. I have had the privilege of being in a support group in La Plata, Md with other people POZ from the area and had met a some Ryan White people at one of our groups.

I also have got support from my semi-annual evals at Bethesda, MD & San Diego Naval Medical Center where most people are active duty. When I was in Bethesda there was a decent population of retired military along with active duty persons that would come to group and utilize the medical facilities for the best ID treatment available to my knowledge.

Anyways I have found that with time I have come to accept my diagnosis and try to make lemons out of lemonade, besides having a positive mental attitude and support is key to your health especially when our immune systems are at risk.

Mike

[BT65]

Tooltimer, welcome to the forums.  Hope to hear more from you.

[tooltimer]

Betty,

Thanks for the welcome message the other day!  You seem like you have been using this forum communication system for a while. I need help. I read the instructions in the HELP section, but I just can't figure out how I send an email directly to a user. I know most people have 'hidden' email addresses, but it says you can still communicate with a person. How do I do that?

Also, if a user is online, how do I go about communicating with them.  I click on their username and obtain a profile, but I see no options for further communication.

Any suggestions wou be appreciated.

Thanks,
Don

[Ann]

Don,

You need to post to the forum three times before you can send a private message to other members. Once you've posted three times, you'll see the private message option.

And welcome to the forums, by the way.

Ann

[Peter Staley]

RTG and Don -- I'd just like to welcome both of you to our forums.  I'm glad you found us.

Thanks for opening up here.  Disclosure is one of the hardest issues we all deal with, and you'll find lots of advice from other members here as you navigate these decisions.

Peter Staley
Founder
AIDSmeds.com

[water duck]

I am a 52 y.o., retired Army Lieutenant Colonel (medical type)

You must then be a medical doctor with that rank.

I sit there and wonder whether they think I am positive  or what my motivations are.

Then let your motivations be a medical one , with the sincere intention to stop the progression of this disease.
FEAR is an emotion not governed by intelligence , you will be surprised how many in the medical field have strange reactions to HIV, hopefully, you will come out winner !!

Tooltimer

I consulted with a therapist. He told me I should come out about being gay and HIV+ because I was creating stress for myself.
I am so disturbed by your statement that i google the word therapist, the following is what i like to bring to your attention.

Freud began focusing on problems that appeared to have no discernible organic basis, and theorized that they had psychological causes originating in childhood experiences and the unconscious mind.
Rogers's primary requirement is that the client should be in receipt of three core conditions from their counselor; unconditional positive regard, congruence [genuineness/transparency], and empathic understanding. The aim is to create a non-directive relationship conducive to enhancing the client's psychological well being, by enabling the client fully to experience and express themselves.

it is in wikipedia, and that is what i understand as the role of a therapist. more than that , he is causing you stress you don't need for the moment !! if you are at level two, and you are fine with it, so let it be; if someone (therapist) think you should be at level four and you are not agreeable, then it is their problem , NOT yours .

Like Ann said , you can now contact any member you so wish. You will be very surprise at the kind of help you can get here, chez Peter Staley's brain child. Good luck.

Wd

[tooltimer]

Water Duck,

 Thanks for your response.  My couple visits to the psychotherapist were 7 years ago.  I haven't felt a strong need to go back. I feel there is no exact science to therapy.  Eventually I need to be the ultimate person to decide what is best for me.

I'm definitely uncertain as to how to interpret your comment back to me.  You say you were disturbed by my statement, so you googled the word 'therapist'.  The definition was too freudian for me to understand, but I think I did figure out that a therapist is suppose to be there to listen to my issues and be empathetic.  What I did not understand was your comment about being at a level 2 or a level 4. I did not understand that at all.

The experience I had with the therapist was not bad. It was just not what I expected.  I think there has to be the right connection and understanding between the client and the therapist for it to be beneficial.  We spent most of my hour visit discussing his problems instead of mine. Since he was also my HIV support group leader, I countinued to see him in group settings and at HIV social gatherings.

Thanks,  Don