POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: zach on October 12, 2010, 11:19:19 pm
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Whats the "concensus" of this issue? I'm still new to this, there is still more I don't know compared to what I do know. a former partner has brought it up. frankly, i live in fear she'll test positive, we had years of unprotected sex together. if my doctor is correct, i was positive that entire time. i really don't want the guilt of knowing i infected someone...
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Has she been tested recently (as in 13 weeks after your last unprotected encounter)? Once you get this confirmation you need to continue using condoms, that way you will prevent the possibility of transmission in the future. Condoms do work, it is as simple as that.
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Whats the "concensus" of this issue? I'm still new to this, there is still more I don't know compared to what I do know. a former partner has brought it up. frankly, i live in fear she'll test positive, we had years of unprotected sex together. if my doctor is correct, i was positive that entire time. i really don't want the guilt of knowing i infected someone...
The only way for her to find out is to get tested. I had a scare like this myself with two ex-wives, both of whom I was sleeping with at the time of my infection. I lucked out and neither became infected. Determining how long you've been infected is not really an accurate science anyways (someone please correct me if I'm wrong), so your doctor could be wrong about that.
Anyhow... have her get tested. If she's sexually active, gathering you two are not together,she should be doing this regularly anyways.
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You have an obligation to inform her so she can seek preventative treatment. I'll probably get slammed with this comment, but here goes. If you don't want to inform her of your status, try an anonymous letter. I went through the same things many, many, many years ago. I struggled with the guilt and finally realized they could potentially infect others if I remained silent. Although, if she hasn't had much experience dating, she might be able to figure it out.
Good luck!
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You have an obligation to inform her so she can seek preventative treatment. I'll probably get slammed with this comment, but here goes. If you don't want to inform her of your status, try an anonymous letter. I went through the same things many, many, many years ago. I struggled with the guilt and finally realized they could potentially infect others if I remained silent. Although, if she hasn't had much experience dating, she might be able to figure it out.
Good luck!
Why would you get slammed for that comment?
Of course the OP should do what he can to inform the woman in question or cause her to be informed of her potential exposure.
MtD
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frankly, i live in fear she'll test positive, we had years of unprotected sex together. if my doctor is correct, i was positive that entire time. i really don't want the guilt of knowing i infected someone...
I dont understand - the thread title says protected sex and the story says unprotected sex. What are you asking exactly?
If you had unprotected sex when you were likely HIV positive, you owe it to this person to tell her. She might not have been infected. Its possible. Also, you are confusing the issue of guilt and the issue of respect. You can respect this person by telling her. It takes two to tango - two to have unprotected sex. You might be guilty of nothing.
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Whats the "concensus" of this issue? I'm still new to this, there is still more I don't know compared to what I do know. a former partner has brought it up. frankly, i live in fear she'll test positive, we had years of unprotected sex together. if my doctor is correct, i was positive that entire time. i really don't want the guilt of knowing i infected someone...
I'm a little confused too. "A former partner has brought it up" meaning figuratively or literally. Did she say she was concerned with being infected or that the idea of her has raised your question.
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i really don't want the guilt of knowing i infected someone...
what about the guilt of letting someone living longer under unnoticeable and unsuspected infection as you kno wnow that the sooner you know and the sooner you treat (in most cases) the better ?
tell her to get tested.
I know it is easier said than done Good Luck
Eric
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Hey folks, OP here. Of course I informed her, she was the first person I told. She is the only person that knows that has so much as given me a hug since. Prior to my diagnosis, she and I had unprotected sex for years. Since my diagnosis, she tested negative. She has brought up the idea of sex with a condom, which I am still uncomfortable with. I don't know how I feel about that, I was just looking for others opinions that have probably faced a similar situation. Sorry if I caused any confusion.
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You have an obligation to inform her so she can seek preventative treatment. I'll probably get slammed with this comment, but here goes. If you don't want to inform her of your status, try an anonymous letter. I went through the same things many, many, many years ago. I struggled with the guilt and finally realized they could potentially infect others if I remained silent. Although, if she hasn't had much experience dating, she might be able to figure it out.
Good luck!
I have informed her, just addressed that issue in a previous post. I'm curious, and still very uneducated, what are you refering to when you say preventative treatment? Is there a lesson I read? Thanks, Zach
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totally off topic, Skeebo, love your quote, i recently took my 15 yr old son to his first concert... alice in chains at the tabernacle in atlanta, the opening act, middle class rut, they fkn blew me away
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Hey folks, OP here. Of course I informed her, she was the first person I told. She is the only person that knows that has so much as given me a hug since. Prior to my diagnosis, she and I had unprotected sex for years. Since my diagnosis, she tested negative. She has brought up the idea of sex with a condom, which I am still uncomfortable with. I don't know how I feel about that, I was just looking for others opinions that have probably faced a similar situation. Sorry if I caused any confusion.
Let me get this, you're uncomfortable with the idea of a condom? That condom, used properly, is a guarantee that you will be protecting your partner and yourself. Think of it as Russian Roulette. Sure, she's been negative all this time, but that one time can do it. That's exactly what happened to me, though my story is more complicated than just that.
What are you uncomfortable with specifically...just "the fit" of the condom?
I would never ever put my husband in harm's way. He's negative and if he begged me to not wear a condom, I would stand firm. Because I don't even want a person to contract this awful disease by my ignorance or selfishness. I personally, could never live with myself, which is why I included you in "protecting yourself". The person that infected me still lives with the guilt and has caused him much mental anguish.
I completely understand that you're new with this, but first and foremost, protect your partner.
Camms
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Let me get this, you're uncomfortable with the idea of a condom? That condom, used properly, is a guarantee that you will be protecting your partner and yourself. Think of it as Russian Roulette. Sure, she's been negative all this time, but that one time can do it. That's exactly what happened to me, though my story is more complicated than just that.
What are you uncomfortable with specifically...just "the fit" of the condom?
I would never ever put my husband in harm's way. He's negative and if he begged me to not wear a condom, I would stand firm. Because I don't even want a person to contract this awful disease by my ignorance or selfishness. I personally, could never live with myself, which is why I included you in "protecting yourself". The person that infected me still lives with the guilt and has caused him much mental anguish.
I completely understand that you're new with this, but first and foremost, protect your partner.
Camms
I didn't read his post as being uncomfortable with the condom -- but rather uncomfortable having sex with a negative partner -- even with the condom. A perfectly normal reaction for the newly diagnosed.
Zach -- you need to continue to learn about living with this virus. Condoms, when used properly, will protect your partner. I have a negative partner, so I understand your angst -- but it is possible to work through this fear and enjoy sex again.
Mike
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My misunderstanding. I should not post upon waking :-\
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camille, love your fire, don't ever put it out, but mike understood my pov <3
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I know I'm drudging up an ancient topic of mine, but it is something that I didn't communicate well originally. I let it go in October because of that misunderstanding. For a couple of reasons, it still weighs heavy on my mind.
I have a "How the fck didn't I infect her?!" sort of question, and yes I see the irony that this kind of question may be better placed in the "am i" board.
So, my question, Is it possible for a positive man to have unprotected vaginal and anal sex with a negative woman for years without her becoming infected?
I was diagnosed with AIDS. Day 1 of this journey for me, was to the hospital with pneumonia.
I had been in a relationship with a girl for 7 years, and we never once used protection, because her tubes had been tied. Yes yes yes, I know that was stupid. When I was diagnosed, she was the first person I called, and I insisted she needed to be tested.
She said she got tested, and the results were negative. I was so relieved. God I pray thats true. But a voice in my head that won't shut the fck up keeps asking "is that really possible?" I worry that she 1 is lying to me... or much much worse 2 is lying to herself
She is the same girl who suggested we continue a sexual relationship after my diagnosis, this time with a condom. I didn't express what I felt in my original post. Its not sex with a condom that disturbs me, it is sex with a negative person. period.
I've tried a couple times to revisit the subject of her results, I never saw them, and a part of me thinks that until I do, I won't really know. She gets very annoyed when I ask if she really tested. I know that on a fundamental level, her results are none of my business. I've tried to just let this go. It hasn't worked.
I've come to terms with my condition. I have AIDS. I can handle that. I'm not so sure I can handle knowing she is infected. She has suffered so much loss, that if she is lying to herself, I can understand why.
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I know I'm drudging up an ancient topic of mine, but it is something that I didn't communicate well originally. I let it go in October because of that misunderstanding. For a couple of reasons, it still weighs heavy on my mind. Annd I'm kind of hoping for ann annswer from Ann. (hinthint) The text in red, is really the only important part of this post, the rest is babble. Anybody except a moderator that feels the need to spank me for this, fk off ok.
I have a "How the fck didn't I infect her?!" sort of question, and yes I see the irony that this kind of question may be better placed in the "am i" board. That board just rubs me all wrong.
So, my question, Is it possible for a positive man to have unprotected vaginal and anal sex with a negative woman for years without her becoming infected?
I was diagnosed with AIDS. Day 1 of this journey for me, was to the hospital with pneumonia.
I had been in a relationship with a girl for 7 years, and we never once used protection, because her tubes had been tied. Yes yes yes, I know that was stupid. When I was diagnosed, she was the first person I called, and I insisted she needed to be tested.
She said she got tested, and the results were negative. I was so relieved. God I pray thats true. But a voice in my head that won't shut the fuck up keeps asking "is that really possible?" I worry that she 1 is lying to me... or much much worse 2 is lying to herself
She is the same girl who suggested we continue a sexual relationship after my diagnosis, this time with a condom. I didn't express what I felt in my original post. Its not sex with a condom that disturbs me, it is sex with a negative person. period.
I've tried a couple times to revisit the subject of her results, I never saw them, and a part of me thinks that until I do, I won't really know. She gets very annoyed when I ask if she really tested. I know that on a fundamental level, her results are none of my business. I've tried to just let this go. It hasn't worked.
I've come to terms with my condition. I have AIDS. I can handle that. I'm not so sure I can handle knowing she is infected. She has suffered so much loss, that if she is lying to herself, I can understand why.
Since you're HIV positive you've chosen correctly not to post in AMI.
Yes it is possible to have unprotected sex with someone and not infect them. HIV is difficult to transmit under the best of circumstances. Lots of people dodge the bullet. There could be any number of reasons why she wasn't infected. Sheer luck, viral load, she might be one of the special few who cannot contract the virus etc.
Seriously don't beat yourself up here. It sounds to me like you've discharged your obligations to your former lover. What she does from here on in is her concern.
MtD
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thanks matty, and to those who responded in private... these are the same things i've been trying to tell myself, but hearing others echo it gives some validity... i'll keep trying to let that fear go and move on
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Zach,
To echo what Matty said, yes, it is totally possible. We have a few women on this forum who joined to support their positive partner - and they remained negative despite unprotected sex before his diagnosis. One I can think of by name is Theresa.
As to how they managed to dodge the bullet - we don't really know. It could be just sheer luck or it could be that they possess a rare genetic immunity to hiv infection.
Zach, don't deny yourself a sex life. There are plenty of neg/poz relationships out there where the negative partner remains negative through the use of condoms.