Quality vs Quantity - When is it quiting time?

[Life]

I have always been an advocate for a long life.  My mind now seems to have changed very dramatically from the way I use to think to now, present day..   My childhood always told me I would live into my 90's and my family history has also blessed us with that..  Till now..  I have been surrounded by people in pain, not just the HIV/AIDS thing but what I do as an EMT for a living.  I look at the suffering and the long list of meds people are on and cringe at the thought that this WILL be me in the not to distant future.   

I remember some very thought provoking flicks such as Soylent Green where people had a choice or not so much of a choice then when it was your time.  You got to watch a lovely video, fall asleep and that was it.  Then you became food for the living (not that they would accept my body!   Or Logan's Run where people were done at 33.  Now I know that's extreme but these thoughts and ideas seem to be popping up. 

I am not sure that Dr.  Kevorkian was all that bad a man.... now...  Where I live I see people making their own decisions left and right on when "its time to go".  I had the opportunity to work with Hunter Thompson back in the 80's what a character he was.   He found that his body was failing and he finished it on his own terms.   

I guess what I am trying to say is, I hope when my quality vs quantity question comes to term.  I make the right educated choice...  This is really different thinking for me these days...  Wonder if it will change or stay this way??  Any ideas on where YOU are??

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[poobear]

Hi Eric,
  You always seem to pose some of the most interesting thoughts.  I have always agreed with what Dr Kevorkian had done.  My thought is if you are terminally ill and have no quality of life that if you choose you should be able to end the pain.  For instance with animals, people think it is cruel to allow your pet to suffer it is "inhumane" and you should put the animal to sleep.  Now my question is why is that not the same for humans?  The movies you have mentioned I have never seen so I can not comment on that.  Now i can only talk for myself.  If and when I am ill and bed ridden I might want to end it for myself.  But you never know unless you are in the situation.  But than I also believe God takes you when he wants you and not a moment before.  So as you can see I have some conflicting thoughts.  But I do believe live for today do as much fun things as you can cause you never know what might happen. Rachel

[LatinAlexander]

I am simply terrifies of being in a bed for medical reason, and being suffering there..I mean, agony is not only painful for the sick-one, but for the family...I beg God for a heart attack..Something quick and simple...

Alex

[IzPoz]

You know, I was the one who made the decision to not continue my husband's dialysis treatments, as it was only prolonging the inevitable.... and recently, my father's wife was interviewed by the police because some home care nurse thought it fit enough to report that my father's wife OD'd my dad... when, he was on his deathbed dying of cancer.  After the police realized my dad was already cremated, they dropped the investigation as there was no body to autopsy.... can you imagine that???

It's a strange world we live in.  I'd rather go to sleep than to suffer what my husband or my father went through.

[jazij1]

I was 17 when I found out I was + that was in 87 when life expectancy was 6 months to a yr if u were lucky . Hell I said if Im going out like this then Im goin numb I did every drug I could find .... Lost all my good close friends watched them become less than human most time they didnt even know who tha fuck I was ..... I felt I had to go on but always in the back of my mind wondering if I was next;
 
right now in my life Im have the same struggle after 19 yrs of living with HIV what have I accomplished? I graduated from college but cant get a job in my field (Nursing Assitant) cause I have one too many misdemeanors on my record  and I graduated top of my class aint that about a bitch .....so right now Im feeling like my quality of life aint shit I know be grateful for the little things I have to say I quit taking my meds Im tired... tired of rejection from men tired of tryin to live off 825 a month from SSD I always thought it would be great to live to be 100 I just aint seein why I have to still be here for what? I live like a fuckin hermit i go out my house to buy food n thats about it chat online on yahoo with other TS folk n admires n that shits gettin old I used to love to go out n dance n fuck whoever for a price but theres no apeal in that anymore used to perform on stage have a closet full of beaded gowns n costumes crowns from pageants Ive won all colecting dust  I'll never wear any of it again I gave it up cause I wanted to live like a heterosexual female what a joke that was when was i gonna realize most men that like T girls just want sex not a real LTR got a ton of memories of bad relationships that didnt work out or shouldnt of happend in the first place   HIV has fucked up my teeth half of em are gone lypo is eatin my face n ass away i look like shit my looks used to be everything to me now waking up the next day is a pain in tha ass wake up n sit n do nothin all day nobody calls me dont even know why tha fuck i pay all this money for a fuckin cell phone  the firends u think u have turn out not to be "really" ur friends when u need them tha most then go to bed n do it all over again IM TIRED am I being selfish who am i stayin around for? Ive done it all seen it all ive lived more life in my 37 yrs then most folks ever will yah Im depressed anti depressants aint workin either tried many different ones no happy pill is avaiable  im rambling sry  Im feelin this topic it hit home but Im scared to die so I always pray there is another tomorrow maybe something good will happen for me but I'll be Damned if I end up being an old lady with a house full of cats. tha kicker tho is what if I give up to soon n the day after I die they discover a cure for HIV/AIDS or my prince comes ridin by my apt in his white hybrid

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[Jeffreyj]

Thanks Eric for the EVER IMPORTANT reminder to get all you can out of today, while you are able.
 As far a fear of dying, I am so  sick of worrying about that one, i really just don't give a rats ass how or when i go. I'm assuming that it will be a glorious and natural process, filled with joy, celebration, and beauty as opposed to pain and suffering. Lately, when these thoughts come to light, I just say F it. Some things we just can't control.

Today is going to be grand.

[Alain]

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[David84]

Eric:
Yes, it is an interesting question you posed. One that I have pondered for the last 22 years. I suppose those thoughts will never go away. I truly believe that this is all part of my master plan that hasn't been completed yet.. or if you will my book of life that I can't read ahead to the ending no matter how tempting it is. With that said I do believe your question is one that will be pondered by many for years to come. I do know in my heart of hearts that those who have gone ahead have gone to a much better place than where we exist. I have watched so many go before me and visualize the transition much like that at the end of Ghost. All you feel is love...  So until then, whenever it is I reach that point, I will reflect on your question from time to time all the while being the best that I can with love, respect and honour. Maybe Karma will deal me an easy transition...

Hugs
David

[gemini20]

Hi Eric,

For me it has been and always will be quality over quantity. I sat and watched by ex-boyfriend (the guy who infected me) and my room-mate both spend the last year of their lives bedridden from various HIV related illnesses back in the early 1990s. I can remember their pain and suffering as if it was yesterday and it still saddens me - I would not want to put anyone I love through a similar scenario.

I also believe that if or when I've had enough of living with this virus then I have the power to stop fighting and let nature take its course. Thankfully after 15 years there's still plenty of stuff to keep me going so I'm not as obsessed with the death and dying part as I once was (though I do still have my coffin in the living room and use it as a window seat - but that's another story!)

best wishes,

Emma

[Christine]

Hi Eric,
I have thought about this a lot this past year. It has been the worst one for me throughout this whole experience.

I never thought I would live to be old. Which is an odd thought for a young child, but it was what I felt. I do think people have the right to decide their end of life.  If someone is extremely ill, and their quality of life is minimal, they have the right to humanely and painlessly end their suffering.

With all that being said, the Catholic raised girl in me starts thinking that this is a huge sin which would end with me being sent to Hell. I have decided if I choose my own ending, that when I get to those pearly gates I have a few things to say. One of which is to explain why I choose to end my suffering. I am not afraid or worried about dying, but I am in fear of suffering. I have my living will and durable medical power of attorney written very specifically that so I will not suffer, or prolong the inevitable.

Christine

[dad1216]

I have been beating myself up with this choice of quality over quantity of life for a long time.  When I finally made the choice to have the quality of life for my remaining time it became one of the most difficult decisions that I have ever made in my life. Even tho it has just been recently that I went off my HIV meds, I feel better now than I have over the last 6 years.  In the last month or so I have had a big turn around with my health surprisingly for the better.  I know that my immune system is totally impaired but it was the same way on the meds.  This choice isn't something for everyone, it has to be a choice that an individual can own.

[Moffie65]

My Dear Eric,

I had to post a re-run of one of my posts from '05 because I read this one, and it brought to mind many disturbing things which HIV brings into your life.

You have brought up a really thought provoking subject, but one which I fear many here will not understand until several years from now. 

Quality is so much of a relative term that when I consider where I am today, versus where I was when I was your age; then quality is sort of a long ago memory.  A quality day today, is one in which I don't loose my breakfast, one which I feel driven to work outside, or accomplish something on the "to do list".  They are unfortunately coming fewer and further between.  HOWEVER, I must say that a day, any day, is what we make it to be.  Like Jeffery has pointed out, they are not all filled with joy, but simple pleasures.

In the end, I just hope that I will not be a burden and to make sure that does not happen, my partner and I have discussed the end days and I made the decision and placed it in our "Living Trust" that I will be given the medications necessary for me to decide when I will take the last great HAART.  I will not pretend that this discussion was a pleasant one, but I must advocate that you all take the time and consideration of family to make your wishes clear as a pin.  It does take away a load of guess work, and my Doctor and Nurse are well aware of the choices I have made and they have hard copies of the papaerwork to prove it.  Your doctor should always be in on the conversation, or at least the outcome of the decision making process.  I have met very few MDs that will fight against the wishes of someone living with HIV, and on the contrary, most encourage such discussions with family.

Thanks Eric, for broaching this very touchy subject and it is really interesting to read all the responses.

In Love.

[bobik]

Hi Eric,

I have been really ill, going to the toilet 25 times a day, very weak, no strength,there was 40% less of me due to weightloss.

But funnily enough there was quality of life anyway. I had my love, my great lover that I love so much. I had a casette player in the hospital with Bach. I had people who cared for me. I learned for myself that my quality of life had not got to do so much with how my body was functioning. I just love life so much.

So I wonder where the point is where I have to say that my quality of life is not good enough anymore. I just don't know how I will react in the future, if things ever go wrong again.

Coen

[Life]

I am in total ahh of the emotional content here.  I can appreciate everyones response in a way that's so touching and so heart felt...   I have never had a friend pass away due to AIDS.  I have never been this emotionally connected to anyone living as long as many in this thread as I do now.   Its frightening, that for me, I am now faced with the inevitability that I will loose someone near and dear to me as well as the possibility of my husband.   How do we prepare for acceptance to these eventualities?  I am still such a newbie..   I think if I could come to some resolution with my life, I would be so much more understanding to the lives of others and their wishes..  Sometimes I feel we skirt the issue esp for those of us just coming aboard being diagnosed.  I want to understand and thank you for helping me and others along our mutual path good or bad...

Love

[Florida69]

Well Eric, we have to live each day like it is our last.  See I have missed being part of your life.  It seems I need to play catch up, I am calling you tonight and want to get the um uh bottom of this whole dying thing.  We are going to be silly old queens rocking in our chairs together.  I have been really down lately, and have had a hard time picking myself back up.  But, I had no idea what I was doing, or why.  You will get through. D

[Eldon]

Hello Eric,

Just as Jefferyj as illustrated it; "It is just some things that we cannot control". Let it be peacefully.



Make the BEST of each Day!