I am giving up

[shumaya]

I was born with HIV and started medication when I was 18. I always believed the 'You can live just as long and just as well' 'it's no longer a death sentence!' Crap.

I had a very bright futuree ahead of me, I won awards for my exam results and got offers from my dream university (which is one of the top 10 universities in the world). Things took a turn right around the time I started taking medication. I don't know if it's depression, a side effect of the ARVs or the HIV itself but I've had an unliftable brain fog. I find it impossible to study and my memory is terrible. I'm 22 now and I've failed to pass the first year in several degrees. I've had one job in my life but the brain fog made that difficult too. My only option now is to move back home. My drug addicted, psychotic and violent older brother currently lives at home and I really can not live with him. He threatens to kill anyone who angers him. We were on holiday recently and even our grandmother was not safe from the violent threats. He's threatened to kill me in the past. He threatens my parents.

Anyway, I'm just tired. I used to be optimistic. I've had a tough time with side effects from the ARVs and have changed them a few times over the years but I always thought it was all worth it because at least I had a future to work towards. Now I'll be taking these toxic drugs just to live at home with a violent drug addict and maybe one day hold down some dead end job.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya

Welcome to the forum, sorry to hear you are having a rough time and the problems with your brother.

What drugs are you taking? Generally speaking modern HIV meds are not "toxic" or no more than anything else in life, I mean slice of toast gives you cancer. Anyhow if you are having side effects have you spoke to your ID Doctor about this?

Generally sounds like you are feeling pretty low right now, have you shared with  your GP about how you are feeling? Are you in any counselling or face to face support?

Best, Jim

[Jim Allen]

Sounds to be honest like you have a lot of things going on at once getting you down, its rough and taking on everything at once can be overwhelming, so do try to break it down and address each issue step by step.

My drug addicted, psychotic and violent older brother currently lives at home and I really can not live with him. He threatens to kill anyone who angers him. We were on holiday recently and even our grandmother was not safe from the violent threats. He's threatened to kill me in the past. He threatens my parents.

Re-reading this, we must be related

This sounds exactly like my brother years ago, he was later diagnosed bi-polar in hindsight it made sense in my brothers case, he had plenty of psychosis and self medicating going on and I also dropped out of collage after the first year in my early 20's, think i was 21 at the time.

anyhow, without going too much into my past, all i can say to you about this is if your brother is violent (for whatever reason) and you can not avoid living with him in the parental home for now than do minimize contact when you are there can and, work on getting out at some stage in the future.   

[ZachR]

Hey mate, how are you doing now? I hope you read this.
I wanna begin with this, might sound clichy but the best thing one can do in life is to not give up, you can stop fighting, you can fall and pause, but then keep crawling if you can't quite get up and run. Even crawling will lead to a point where you'll run again.
I understand you so painfully well, I was 22 when I started my first meds and for 8months I had palpitations, impossible to take a deep breath, unimaginable brain fog, all muscles tense, bowels never moving, BP 160 from 110/70, dizziness and yet all doctors said it was all in my head... how ignorrant and irresponsible. At that time I was about to graduate and already had my own, very successful business, was about to have my own laboratory as I am a Biologist, and was also thriving in my singing career as a side thing along with exercising. Then all these things just destroyed every bit of my life to the point it seemed impossible to return my central nervous system back to its previous capacity, it hurts much more when you know the biological mechanisms and what's happening in your body... However, finally I made them change my meds.., the only thing that happened was that I was finally kinda able to breathe normally, and that was a lot to me...
Then I slowly worked my way out by incorppration the best I had, the best food, some supplements, the best mindfulness practices that helped me to stay on track and move forward spiritually plus physical exercise, now 4 months past the switch of meds and all those things I do, I see a great improvement. Might take another 2-3 months to regain my complete self, but what I have to say is that our bodies and brain do possess great strength and desire for life, so should we in our hearts. I had to do this despite uncaring and unsuppprtive doctors and a cruel father, in complete isolation, as I also dropped the uni just before graduation and couldn't go out for long time, so no friends either. I would do all that again, though, because it's worth fighting every milimeter towards the life and happiness we deserve.
I would read stories like mine and force myself to believe I would do it too, but all the facts, biology background and studies would show me that I couldn't do much.. Yet, in the end, the spiritual believer kicked in and I ignored everything and everyone who said no, you can't and focused on the 'I can, because I am alive, motivated, inspired and meant to have a great future' aspect.
Hold on, please! You can! I mean it, you really can!
Hope this helps, brother.

[wardp]

Hi...what medications are you on and have been on in the past? You may need to get out of your situation and find an apartment room on your own. .please don't give up. Chat on here anytime you feel down. We are all in this together.

[Mindless]

We are all in this together.

Thanks Wardp, that’s a nice thought to read...