Left Behind

[sharkdiver]

I've noticed that I've been a bit melancholy lately.

I guess it's because my birthday is coming up next month. It's not that I'm getting older, it's that I am also approaching the three year "anniversary" of my partner's death (which happened a couple of days later). I've gone through support groups and such but I've noticed little things are still causing "grief spasms and bad memories.
I think it also was set off by the death of Heath Ledger and the reminders of his role in Brokeback Mountain.

A month before I saw that movie I was moving into a new place and I still had a bunch of his clothes. I remember that I scooped up a bunch of shirts and sweaters to carry into the house. As I brought them close to my face I caught his smell. The world closed in around me, my knees buckled and I fell to the ground sobbing uncontrollably in the driveway. I was blessed to have my new roommate and a neighbor help me inside. So I guess I wasn't prepared to see that movie as soon as I did.

Finally, last month I donated the last box of his clothes to a women's charity that he supported. But I wasn't as thorough as I should have been. I found the sweater again. His smell has faded a bit, but it is still there.  The tears come in a trickle instead of a torrent. I no longer completely frozen, but....

This question goes out to those of you that have lost their husbands , wives and partners. to AIDS.  Have you ever felt any stigma when discussing the death of your loved one or when people find out that you are widowed and ask "how did she/he pass on?" 

Thanks for letting me share,
Sharkie

[bear60]

Sharkie honey
I lost my partner Paul in 1995.  He died two days before my birthday and was cremated on my birthday.  It was impossible to celebrate my birthday for many years after that but it does get easier.
You are not alone. Your grief is a way to remember your partner. I try to remember the good times and not the bad times.
I'll send you some positive thoughts.

edited to add:  I have been blessed that I am able to share the cause of his death with everyone I meet.  And even if they dont want to hear it, I will tell them. And show them pictures.

[redhotmuslbear]

This question goes out to those of you that have lost their husbands , wives and partners. to AIDS.  Have you ever felt any stigma when discussing the death of your loved one or when people find out that you are widowed and ask "how did she/he pass on?" 

Sharkie,
I am touched to know that the memory of your late partner still moves you so.  The depth of love is not measured in feats we perform for our loved ones, but in how long and how profoundly memories touch our souls.

As for the ignorant reactions of others when we discuss the loss of our loved ones to certain ends -- HIV, cancer, drugs, suicide, gang violence, etc -- the easiest way to head them off is to announce the cause of death with the fact that they have passed.  Let the narrow-minded attach all of the moral judgment they wish, as you can't control those reactions.  You will, however, have stated that you were with your beloved through a difficult end;  and that builds more character for you than anyone can take away.

Namaste,
David

[BT65]

Sharkie, I lost my first husband in 1989.  Three days after I tested positive.  And, even though he infected me, AIDS was not the primary cause of death-"acute alcohol intoxication" was.  So I kind of had a double-whammy. (yes, it also listed PCP on the death cert).  But, people will be people, and I don't concern myself with their assumptions or even their realities.

It took me a good year before I stopped thinking about doing crazy things like going to local psychics to "contact" him.  Now, I think of him every once in awhile.  It does get easier.  Just give yourself time and allow yourself to grieve.  I think it's wonderful that you remember him with such fondness.  That speaks volumes about your relationship. 
Peace~
Betty

[hartiepie]

Can't answer your question about how to talk about the cause of death as it doesn't often come up in my daily life -- can't tell if I am in denial or just so integrated that it is part of the wallpaper.

I did want to let you know that many of us share your own melancholy. The guy I am dating now lost his partner of many years 8 years ago. There is barely a week goes by that a gentle mention of him isn't made in passing that lets me know how important his love was to my guy. I find it sweet beyond words that such a bond was made.

My partner of many decades died on Xmas 2 years ago and a few days later I went to see Brokeback Mountain. Oy, such a torrent of tears. It didn't really matter that my buddy and I had a ragged ending before he died and that we were estranged for a while -- I still loved him. It was the finality of his death that got to me -- no more chances to make it right, no more laughs, and I still miss his physicall closeness so so much. When Ennis Delmar inhaled that scent on the shirt, well.... I just lost it.


So, feeling the feelings lets me know I am alive. It is bittersweet and I still think of him often. He's gone and I am here, but I do have my memories and our friends who help me remember even more shared experiences.

[sharkdiver]

thank you all for your replies
   it makes me feel that I'm not alone and also gives me hope that I can get through this.

I think that another reason for the blues being so strong lately is that after 2 1/2 years of fighting his family in court (because his mother was unhappy about the will) the probate will be filed to begin closing in a couple of months. It seems that every time I have to talk with my lawyer or have to contact a creditor to get info,  it brings the sadness and anger to the forefront. It's been a tremendous amount of time and energy (oh yeah and money) wasted on this when I could have been focusing on the good memories.

Before he died, he told me to be nice to his family. I have been. Even through all of the personal attack, the death threats, the lawsuits and general nastiness I have never said or done anything cruel to them. I guess one thing he taught me is that I can keep a promise and that I have integrity.  I think the most important thing is that he taught me that I could truly and unconditionally love someone. I want to be focusing on that and not the other crap.

Thanks for listening
Sharkie

[BT65]

Sharkie, I think one of the reasons for your feeling blue at the time of bringing the finalities of his will to the close is that it makes his death just that much more permanent.  It will take time, but the intense feelings will get better.  We're here.

[sacinsc]

You are an amazing person. I have always believed that. I know that this has been hell for you, but know that I support you anyway that I can. I haven't lost anyone, although I had an odd dream where several of the people that I knew in Orlando had died. That dream alone disturbed me beyond belief. I can't imagine having the guts to deal with this and come out with the fantastic and loving personality that you have.

[pozniceguy]

Sharkie.. dealing with loss of someone close is always a devastating situation  when it is compounded by the extraneous BS from outsiders (  yes families that reject you are outsiders) including lawsuits, mean comments and other indignities it can be even more hurtful...For you to maintain your composure and stick up for your rights is absolutely the right thing to do...like most bad experiences the family issue will fade and you will still have the good memories of your lost love......  Kudos to a great and brave person..   always  remember the good times , honor the past but don't live there....

Nick

[Winiroo]

I hate the sympathetic "oh I'm so sorrys" I hear anytime I mention my being a widow or that my son passed away. 
Not that I don't appreciate the empathy of the person saying it, it is that I hate to burden them with the knowledge and make them uncomfortable.
Then again there are some people who find out I am a widow and want to know the details. How old was he? Was it an accident? Et cetera.
My husband did indeed die with an AIDS diagnosis but for persons who I do not feel the need to inform the details I will tell him he had liver failure and a stroke. Both of which are true I'm simply omitting that he had AIDS too. 

I haven't had any stigma. I think what I've gotten most often is pity. I don't want either.
I don't miss Michael anymore. He died in 2001. Our marriage had deteriorated to a friendship and me as a caregiver. His death was not sudden so I think I had time to get used to the idea. I hope that doesn't sound horrible to anyone.

My son Justin is a different story. His death I'll never get used to and I'll never not miss him. I've learned to deal with not having him with me. I do have my moments. I cant recall what he smelled like anymore. I'm not sure I would remember his voice if he where not on home movies. But what I do remember I cherish and the longer he is gone the less often I break down.

Sorry to hear that your loves family has been unkind and insensitive to you. Death brings out the worst in some people.
Michael's brother shunned him in life for being gay. But at his funeral his brother was loudly bawling about how he was a horrible brother to Michael and that it was too late. To me it didn't feel as if he where sad that Michael had died. More like he was sad for himself.

You'll do well. You are a survivor. You survived loosing your partner and you'll survive any crap his family throws your way

[bear60]

Wini states: "His death was not sudden so I think I had time to get used to the idea. I hope that doesn't sound horrible to anyone. "
............................
I want to thank you for bringing this up. First, I hope you are not holding onto any guilt over that because "getting used to the idea" is most assuredly a part of self preservation and preparation for the death of a loved one who has been ill for some time.
I often read sad stories about men (or women) who are caregivers for partners who have been ill for a long time. If they step out of their "chains", out of their role as caregiver, they are sometimes condemned by family and friends. They dont deserve that.  As a member of a support group for "Family and Friends of People With AIDS" I learned that unless you "take care of yourself" that you risk losing yourself in the role of caregiver and thus...when the partner dies ....you have  no life left of your own.  Its not a subject most people are comfortable with. But with alzheimers disease this sort of thing is a LOT more common.
It also happens in the HIV community.
There should be no stigma attached to a well partner going out for a good time a couple times a week and leaving the sick partner in the care of friends. For Example.

[Winiroo]

Thank you Bear. I dont have much guilt anymore about anything Michael related. I did initially feel bad that I was angry with him for being too sick to try anymore. I suppose that is normal.

[sharkdiver]

I just want to say how grateful I am for allowing me to bring up this subject. Death and Dying is not a comfortable topic in this culture (sorry I mean American culture).

Yes Betty you are right about the issues of the finality of the will and the permanency of his death. When I read that, it was an "ah-hah!" that gave words to part of what I was feeling. That was very much like when someone gave me the words "Grief Spasms" when I would break down in the most inappropriate times. Such as oing to the grocery store and passing the depends with a cart full of stuff and thinking "thank god I don't have to buy those anymore" and then running out of the store running out as fast as I could to go cry in my car. Your response was very comforting Betty, bless you.

In the mid 80's when I got a diagnosis (along with an 18 months to live prognosis) there were no support systems around like this. So I set about my life dealing with it alone. It certainly had an impact during my formative years. That's another reason why his death was such a blow to me. For the first time I finally felt I was not alone, and then  all too quickly, it was his time to go. I was certainly not broken, but I was brokenhearted.

Thank you Bear for bringing up taking care of yourself. I did not;I got very sick after he died and I almost went too. Maybe a part of me wanted to go with him. But I know, I  still have work to do in this life. I now know how important it is to take care of and love yourself.

Wini I completely understand hating the sympathy and pity crap. Somehow it feels very disrespectful. I also hate when people outside of my circle of friends ask me about how he died and they immediately ask "so.... um...how is your health?" which means "oh , you must have AIDS too"
I have experienced dealing with  the guilt  for being angry because they were too sick to keep trying.  I am still going through feelings of anger because he left me with such a huge financial mess and feeling guilty because I was worried with material things.

Thank you Nick for mentioning to honor the past and not live there. That is somewhere I want to be but I'm not quite there yet. I know I will be.

David (redhotmusclebear) a big Namaste to you. The experiences I have had were certainly monumental and I know that even though I knew ahead of time what was going to happen, I can say in my heart that I would clearly do it again. Someday I will have to share my solo backpacking journey of spreading his ashes out in the wilderness near Zion Nat'l Park, his favorite place. That was indeed a gift that no one could ever take away.

Thank you hartiepie for sharing your story. I know that I will always have a place in my heart for my late partner just as you do with yours. Damn we having terrible timing with seeing movies, don't we? I also saw The Constant Gardner before that and that wrecked me as well. The out loud conversations that Ralph Finnes (sp?) had with his late wife really got to me. Probably ,because I was doing that at home with mine and it made me feel less crazy (or less crazier than usual  )

Sacnsc (hopefully future dive buddy) your an amazing person yourself, man. Look at the turnaround you have made with the hellish year you had! Thank you for your kindness and encouragement, that meant a lot. Next airfill is on me....Nitrox?

Thanks again everyone

Sharkie

[sharkdiver]

I just wanted to let you know how much i appreciate all of you on this website.

I have made some new friends. I've finally been able to talk openly about some of the darker periods in my life as well as expose my goofy side.

I am very touched by the responses to our brothers  Rev Michael and Louie. I went through my loss pretty much alone, but that was my journey and purpose; something I would never give up. The outpouring of love and support for Michael and Louie has just been absolutely beautiful. He asked for support and we have been giving it to him; what a miracle that is. I must say selfishly, that to be a witness to this has been healing for me.

I'm lighting two candles during my morning prayers today. One for Louie and one for Michael. One for those who are leaving us and one for those of us left behind. Hopefully left behind to continue reaching out to one another.

peace,
Sharkie

[BT65]

Sharkie, I'm glad you found us.

[leatherman]

Fourteen years later, all that's left of my Randy is a box of personal effects, some pictures, many memories, a ring on my finger, and yes, even after all those years, grief. I never expected to be a widower at 30 and have all my dreams of the future ripped away. That's an emotional wound that even time can never heal. Years later, with new dogs (from the same line) and a new partner, I still wear Randy's ring, and pictures of him and the cocker spaniels we raised together are on the wall here in my partner's house. Life has moved on; but they are still with me in my heart and mind every day.

Having lost Randy, and the cocker spaniels, my only consolation is knowing that I wouldn't trade the grief of their passing away for all the the years of love and companionship I had from them. Their lives for all those years had so more much of an impact on my life that those short sad fleeting moments of their passing.

I understand and grieve with all of you for the partners we have lost.

mikie

[bear60]

((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))  Sharkie

((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) Mikie