Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

Depression hits and I just wanna stop the Meds

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BubbaPat:
I’m gonna post here… don’t know if it will get moved or deleted but I feel the need to at least “put it out there in the universe’ and see where it goes

My topic…I know… it’s a stupid concept and yet it still pops up in my brain from time to time when i have an extremely crappy time of things.

This week, my brother died.  He had finally gone in the hospital due to his daughter’s nagging and found out that his cancer was back. Even though they first thought ths new treatment might help, they were still sure it wasn’t gonna stop it this time. 
So what happened… my brother gave up.

I don’t hat him for it.  I know cancer can be crappy.  It was just the process of talking to him on Friday, he falls fast on Saturday and then I'm with him when he takes his last breath on Sunday.  And yes.. I'm literally holding my older brother's hand as he passes away.

Go though the week of putting it out there on Facebook and getting all the condolences and posts of "if you need me" but what I wanted, other than him alive and well, was a friend to actually call me or text me.

Silence.

I know it's selfish.  I get that.  I'm a brat for wanting someone who I considered friend to call me.  I've called people when their family passed.  Am I just that pushy jerk in people's lives that they just put up with?  That's what I feel.

At that point, I'm thinking, why am I trying so hard to stay alive?  I talk my meds for both HIV and depression but for what?  If I stop the meds… who knows when anything would happen?  I could literally save THOUSANDS of dollars that I could go ahead and pay for my cremation service as well as pay someone to dump my ashes somewhere.

I know it's stupid.  I still have family that cares for me as well as a husband that loves me.  I just thought I had friends who cared to.  Now I just keep thinking "was I that shitty of a friend?"

With regard to my family…. I really don't want to be burden to the younger ones, especially my niece.  That is why I amy at least laying out a letter with a plan of what needs to happen when I DO die.  I don't want her to go through what she did with my brother.  Plus my husband swears he's going first.  Also.. knowing my family's health stubbornness….I’ll be here a while… meds or no meds.

In my youth and coming out days… I thought I had friends that I’d be friends with all the way to the Old Folks home.  Slowly I’m realizing that those were lies I told myself.  If my husband does go first… I’m not gonna let my family go through what they did with my brother.

Sorry to rant..I just needed to get this out of my system  I find it therapeutic to put thoughts out there other than just my journal.  Even if its a stranger… just hearing encouragement from anyone helps.

fabio:
I'm really sorry for your loss...I can't imagine what pain it is to lose a brother,I wouldn't be able to withstand the pain of that myself. And let me tell you something,do not apologise for speaking out about something you are feeling. We might not know each other or are close friends but life has brought us something in common and we ought to support each other,even through text.
When it comes to friends they truly come and go. Some just don't know what happens on our lives or are too busy to keep up with us,some just don't care. However,you shouldn't blame yourself for others not caring about something really tragic that came your way.
One final thing,because I don't want to be tiring. Please don't think about things like death. Like you said there are many people that need you,including your niece,your husband,your family and,yes, even me,us here.

Tonny2:

--- Quote from: fabio on July 11, 2021, 07:30:53 am ---I'm really sorry for your loss...I can't imagine what pain it is to lose a brother,I wouldn't be able to withstand the pain of that myself. And let me tell you something,do not apologise for speaking out about something you are feeling. We might not know each other or are close friends but life has brought us something in common and we ought to support each other,even through text.
When it comes to friends they truly come and go. Some just don't know what happens on our lives or are too busy to keep up with us,some just don't care. However,you shouldn't blame yourself for others not caring about something really tragic that came your way.
One final thing,because I don't want to be tiring. Please don't think about things like death. Like you said there are many people that need you,including your niece,your husband,your family and,yes, even me,us here.

--- End quote ---



Also



My dear friend, I’m also sorry for your loss…it’s ok to keep fighting when I’ll like we have been doing and your brother did, it is also ok to let go and respect your brother’s deduction to give up. At least you were there  with him.

You have virtual friends, even I don’t know you in person, everytime  I read your replies to my posts, you always make my day amigo…hugs

J.R.E.:

--- Quote from: BubbaPat on July 11, 2021, 07:06:36 am ---
 
So what happened… my brother gave up.

Go though the week of putting it out there on Facebook and getting all the condolences and posts of "if you need me" but what I wanted, other than him alive and well, was a friend to actually call me or text me.


--- End quote ---

Sorry to hear about your brothers passing. Not knowing the complete details of your brothers cancer, It would be difficult for me to say that he " Gave Up" .  You did say, that he did try some treatment.

I think there comes a point in all our lives, when reality sets in, that's it time to go. And it's difficult for surviving friends or family members to understand that. Once again not knowing how long your brother had cancer, and what type of cancer, or how aggressive that cancer was. , or was the cancer so severe, that ultimately he knew the outcome, and he also knew that treatment was not working.

Anytime I had to deal family or friends of someone passing, I would do it by phone. Don't be too hard on anyone not posting back to you. Often more times than not, some people simply don't know what to say.

I have attended plenty of funerals and Memorial services in my life, ... This is where I find that most people will show their condolences, even if it is just a few words or a hug.


Loosing a family member or a very close friend is very difficult, especially when you are with that person to the very end.

It is emotionally draining and and can put many into a state of depression.

My advice is to remember your brother as he was. Remember the times you shared, whether they were good or or not so good. 

Was there a funeral, or memorial service, or is this still on the planning stage. You may find it very emotional, and at the same time therapeutic, for you to give a Eulogy. I have done a eulogy twice in my close to 70 years, and it can be difficult but allows for you to have closure, and say what you want to say.

I know there is not much I can say to give you comfort, the only thing I can say is to allow yourself time, and to be strong.

I also thought , that for most part, that many of my friends I had I would have for the rest of my life. But unfortunately, I also found out life doesn't always work out that way.

Most of the friends I knew, I out survived them. many of them have passed on. Other friends wrote me off  years ago, when I came out as gay. New friends and acquaintances, have come into both my and my partners life. 

There's more I want to say to you, so I will write a little more later on. This is in regards to the importance of having a Will,  Healthcare surrogate,  Advance Directives ( Living Will ), and Power of Attorney.

Have you ever had a serious conversation with you niece, on the above.

And please don't give up and think about stopping you medications. You know as well as I do the importance of taking these medications. And I will be completely honest with you,  There have been at least 2 times, when I thought of stopping my medications,... And it took me less then 10 minutes to get out of that mindset. I watched too many of my friends die, that didn't have the option of HIV medication. 


Really sorry for you loss..

Ray 

 


J.R.E.:
Bubba,

I just read what I had posted to you, and I want you to know, That I really do care about you, and your state of mind. Putting things on a printed page for me, can at times be difficult, especially when it comes to situations like this, but I do care, as I am sure others do as well. So I Hope that you do have a close relative, friend, or someone you really trust to help you through this as well.


Take care of yourself---Ray

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