Introduction

[Kunini]

Hi everyone! I am a Portuguese 25 years old guy who has been undetectable for four years now.

I have been checking this forum every once in a while and I have to say it has helped me through a lot of panic attacks.

As we know, the worst part about living with HIV is the stigma. I have only disclosed my status to only 2 people in my life - 2 of my ex-boyfriends. I'm not sure if this happens with everyone, but I struggle a lot with disclosing my status.

I am very responsible with my treatment and get tested every 6 months, so I feel confortable in not disclosing my status to just about any guy I have sex with. I use protection most of the times, so only if I start having a monogamous relationship and only a couple of months down the line do I disclose my status.

I'd like to know your opinion on this matter. For instance, I'm now dating a guy, we've been having unprotected sex for a while. I also take some comfort knowing that, in addition to being undetectible, I only bottom, so the chances of me infecting him are really low. Of course I know that I should disclose my status so that he would feel confortable making the decision of putting himself "at risk", but at the same time I fear rejection. At the end of the day, I always carry this guilt of "what if he gets infected because of me" that sometimes takes me to a really dark place. This is even dumber considering that he has dated HIV undectectable guys before, so there really shouldn't be a problem, but the fear of rejection is too strong. And then what happens is that everytime there's blood during anal sex (wheather it's in his penis, my anus, or both) I fear that the infection happened.

Anyone been through something such as this? How do you deal with disclosing your status?

[Brazilian Friend]

Hey brother!

It's great that you're UD for so long!

As we know, the worst part about living with HIV is the stigma. I have only disclosed my status to only 2 people in my life - 2 of my ex-boyfriends. I'm not sure if this happens with everyone, but I struggle a lot with disclosing my status.

I feel the same about disclosing my status, nobody nows it beside wife, doctor and therapist, as a matter of fact I don't want to tell others cause the stigma in Brazil is intense as hell and people are very ignorant about our condition.

I understand your situation is completely diferent than mine since you're trying to engage in a relationship which leads to this terrible fear of rejection. It's totally understandable.

That being said I personaly think you should be preparing to have a honest conversation with your partner for at least two reasons. First: a healthy relationship relies on trust which is impossible to happen when we're consistently omitting something that our partner deserves to know. Second: if you don't talk to him about it you'll be just "snowballing a problem" which will make you feel bad about yourself and anxious all the time.

I'm sure you have a lot of good qualities and your partner probably recognizes them. Also you said that he dated undectectable guys before which also helps you disclosing your status.

By the way as you know our medicine only keep us UD but doesn't protect us from other STDs so you should consider this before taking away the condom.

Como dizia Vinícius de Moraes: "A vida é arte do encontro embora haja tanto desencontro pela vida." Desejo que você seja muito feliz!

[Tonny2]

          ojo.           Hi lumínica, welcome to the forum…I’ve been living with hiv/aids for 27 years and only my family knows about my status…here in the USA, some states, you have to disclose your status to your sexual partner or you might get in serious legal problems, here in Ohio, the social worker told me that, even just by giving a kiss, you may get in trouble. She told me that two persons, a man and a woman, are in jail for not disclosing their status, they got eight years in prision…don’t forget that, having unprotected sex you are at risk for other STDs, and you need to think about your liver, it doesn’t need more stress with more meds.

About you having a serious relationship, I think you started that relationship badly, I think that before you start a relationship you should be honest before you even kiss a guy, it doesn’t mean that as soon as you met a person you like you will disclose, you have to get the know that person first then, if you think he is the right guy for you , then, maybe it’s time to disclose, if he rejects you, so, he wasn’t for you. Unfortunately, it’s something, rejection, that we have to learn to live with, or, look for a guy with the same status si you don’t have to live with the guilt you feel with this guy you are having sex with. By the way, I’m having a relationship with a hiv positive person.

Welcome again, keep taking your meds and good luck in finding the right one.       ojo

[Jim Allen]

I have been checking this forum every once in a while and I have to say it has helped me through a lot of panic attacks.

Sorry to hear about the panic attacks, glad the forum helped you though.

[Jim Allen]

I feel confortable in not disclosing my status to just about any guy I have sex with. I use protection most of the times, so only if I start having a monogamous relationship and only a couple of months down the line do I disclose my status.

I'd like to know your opinion on this matter. For instance, I'm now dating a guy, we've been having unprotected sex for a while. I also take some comfort knowing that, in addition to being undetectible, I only bottom, so the chances of me infecting him are really low.

The odds are not low, if you're VL is fully suppressed for 6 months+ and you keep taking your meds then you can't pass HIV on.

Anyhow, look if not sharing your HIV status upfront works for you that's fine. We all do things in ways that work for us, there is no right or wrong answer if you ask me.

Personally, I do things differently, so I always tell upfront and it's mainly to weed out the people who can't handle a partner with a manageable condition so I don't waste my time on them and also to avoid issues that may arise from sharing after the fact, but that's just me.