Tested positive last week

[saporta]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading this forum and contents on poz.com day and night. I was diagnosed last week, and since day one I have been trying to figure out how to deal with this from many aspects. It's not only the disease, but also disclosing it and the possibilities of not having to be able to afford treatment under my current plan. I cannot talk to anybody about my condition, not yet, and I feel extremely alone and isolated. I will have an appointment soon to have blood work and see what my situation is. But I only sleep a few hour if at all, and wake up in agony. I try to remain calm, be rational and not go crazy, but it's hard. Everything seems dark, like the worst nightmare that I've ever had.

I am not being overly dramatic, but the fact that my whole life will be completely turned upside down (as it's likely that I'd lose everything I've worked for so far), is just too much to bear with right how. It's not only the infection I have to deal it-I know it's a manageable, chronic disease nowadays. It's also all the other aspects to it--the likelihood not to be able to afford treatment; the possibility of having to terminate my contract and leave, etc. And so far I have been doing so well that it's just an utter horror to get used to the fact that with this infection I am likely to lose everything I've worked for so far. I am just utterly devastated and I don't even feel like living. I cannot give many details here and I don't know whom to speak with and yet remain confidential.

I am sorry for the long post, it's just overwhelming. I just want to feel even slightly better.

[Ptrk3]

Many of us on this forum, if not most, have been to the dark place you now are, so soon after diagnosis.  It is not an easy thing to accept.  You must believe, though, that it does get better.  It really does.  Take a deep breath and deal with things a step at a time, so "easy does it."  Once you get your numbers, you will see where things stand (you may not need meds for some time).  This is not the end of your life and you have not lost everything.   

Once you know your numbers, you can make a plan.  There is no need to disclose until you are ready.  You will be fine.  My thoughts are with you.

[Tonny2]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading this forum and contents on poz.com day and night. I was diagnosed last week, and since day one I have been trying to figure out how to deal with this from many aspects. It's not only the disease, but also disclosing it and the possibilities of not having to be able to afford treatment under my current plan.

     ojo    Welcome to the forum...I'm sorry you have been diagnosed, it's normal you are feeling this way, it will get better, as soon as you know your cd4 and vl numbers you will know wheather you have to start treatment or no....why don't you ask about your insurane situation on the insurance and programs forum, there you will get some imformation about how to pay for treatment.....it will get better, you'll see...hugs   
                                                             ojo

[lifejourney]

Hi there PTK3,

Hey buddy how's things going?  I re-read you post today and have been thinking of you.  Just want you to know I'm intested in hearing where your story goes if you want to share.  I've been bouncing between optimistic and dark places.

Hugs!  LJ

[notreally]

hey saporta,
it is a huge roller-coaster, and it sucks! trust me, I know, I found out around 3 weeks ago and still I'm kinda down but it gets better - depending on a day or a moment.
My advice would be; don't be depressive and try not thinking about it as much. You will have your ups and downs but soon it will al fit into place. I mean you are the same person, you can do the same things as you did before and in the future just try focusing on your overall health and thing will be good.
Keep calm and positive and try to accept yourself because hiv is just a little part of who you are. x

[Ptrk3]

Thanks for thinking about me, lifejourney.  I appreciate it. 

Some days are better than others and I'm still at a place where I think about my diagnosis a lot and what it means and how I'm changed forever, but I do endure and take my meds--never miss a dose--and am getting treatment for depression.  I need to practice "mindfulness" more, being in the moment, and also to remind myself of things for which I am grateful (today's meds, etc.).

I'll go in for a blood test the week after next in preparation for my next visit to my ID in early January, so maybe my CD4's will have improved (I was UD within a few weeks of starting Atripla, but since I was diagnosed so late, the CD4 rise has been a slow slog), though I've not been physically ill.  I guess things are still rather new for me (diagnosed about 18 months ago), but I do need to get over the "self-shaming" and all the baggage that comes with it.  It does get better, though, just slowly--like my CD4 rise, I suppose.  Some days are better than others.  It's not easy, but we all must endure and, perhaps, find a little grace in the trying.

What do folks do here to try to feel better emotionally about things?

This forum helps a lot and I do draw comfort from its sense of community.  Maybe I'll go to the 2015 AMG and meet some folks face to face.  I wish everyone the best of Holidays and let's all hope for a better 2015.

[notreally]

What do folks do here to try to feel better emotionally about things?

I feel what you're saying. Goes the same for me. Self-shame and knowing that you have something to carry for the rest of your life really sucks but knowing that there are a good medicine out there and being positive in general really helps. For me it  also depends on a day, but not having somebody close to talk to really sucks because I'm not ready to tell them yet and I don't know when I will be...

Some days I think that it would be better not knowing that im +, but than i realize it would be so much worse.
I think you should just focus on yourself, find something that makes you really happy and embrace yourself.. I mean, it is what it is and as time pass by it'll get better FOR SURE.
If you ever need somebody to talk to or anything feel free to PM me hugs!

[Dan0]

I feel what you're saying. Goes the same for me. Self-shame and knowing that you have something to carry for the rest of your life really sucks but knowing that there are a good medicine out there and being positive in general really helps.

Knowing there are good medicines out there is something you should know by reading the boards, as you've done. You also know that there are some really 'good' people on this board, simply by reading the thousands of posts here. That includes you. Don't succumb to the mindset that this is somehow a virus for 'bad people' and that you are somehow less of a good person for contracting it. You caught it the same as any other virus. Your obligation to yourself is to keep you well medically (which pills will do) and emotionally, which is a bit tougher.

You'll hear and be more sensitive now to hearing from some out there how this is a disease for those who are careless, amoral, irresponsible, etc.  at best, those are the horribly misinformed people oand, at worst, the 'bad people'. You, my friend, are not! One day, one step, one positive thought at a time!

Don't be too quick to reach out personally to disclose. Think about it, weigh your options, converse here for support or to know there are others like you and just breathe. Get to know your situation and options and make carefully thought out determinations on who you disclose to instead of rash decision that can't be unmade. I'm hopeful that you do have people and a situation where you can share your status, but if not, there is always 'here'.

Welcome and stay well!

[NewAdventure1]

HI, I was one also in your shoes. Very scared of finding out that I too was positive. I tested back in May of this year, and the initial shock is overwhelming, but I can tell you it does get better. I started meds right away and there are some days I do not even think about my status. I take my pill and it does not even phase me. Keep your head up, it gets much better!