My girlfriend tested positive, seeking for advice...

[FNE]

Dear all,

My girlfriend recently tested positive. She first did not tell me, and just dumped me. A few days later I call her and find out the reason why. She found out on october the eight, that she has HIV and she feels that she does not have the right to be with me, because she had put me at risk. Since then I have been trying to contact her to ask how she is doing. She always replies ok, and never contacts me. I do not want the relationship to end this way. Or if it does end, I want to be able to know how she is doing and support her. I love her no matter what. She was infected before 2005. We live in different cities. We had been together only for 3 months. I need advices on how to communicate with her and what to say? I am truly lost.

1. I wan't to write her a letter - conversations on the telephone are not working. Internet not an option, she is never online nowadays.

2. In the end it is her decision, whether she want's to be in contact with me. But I want her to know, that I will not reject her.

3. The most important thing is that she knows that I am there for here always and I still love and want her.


Last time we were together in september 3-5. We had passionate unprotected sex several times (5 or 6). Tried to use condoms, but failed (did not have lubricant), so we decided not to use them. The day when she told me that she is positive was october the 13th. The same day I went to my local aidscouncil, and was tested with a third generation antibody rapid test - it was negative (38 days = 5 weeks 3 days post exposure). I will have 2 more of them. November the 9 and december the 7.

I am really lost and alone.
I will appreciate any advice that you can give me to cope with all this. I have not been able to run my daily tasks.
I live in Northern Europe.

Yours sincerely,
FNE.

[komnaes]

Hi FNE

Sorry to hear about your girlfriend and of course your own tough situation.

While none of us knows the background and her (and yours) personality, it would not be wise IMO to give any advises, except maybe to urge you to have a bit more patience. It sounds like she's going through a lot of difficult emotions, one of which is unintentionally putting you at risk. Being someone who's HIV, I can relate to that feeling, especially when the person is someone she has strong feelings for. It's hard enough a news to process, being positive.

Again, IMHO, writing her a letter to let her know how you feel sounds like a good way to reach out to her in a more personal way. It seems no one writes letters anymore these days, with SMS and emails, etc. I know I would be touched, putting myself in her shoes, and with the way you described your feelings for her. But then again, I am not her, so you'd need to make that call. And if you do decide to write and send her the letter, be patience, give her time and space. It's also important to not get frustrated if she doesn't respond, or if she doesn't respond the ways you hope she would. Do keep a close check on your own possible bad feelings if she doesn't react in kind. That is probably the one thing you need to think carefully before you send that letter..

Turning back to yourself, it's good news that your first test is negative. But as you already know you need to retest. It seems reasonable that you cannot function as usual in this tough situation, with your own status to worry about as well as your girlfriend's decision to cut off the relationship. It maybe a good idea to talk to a third party, but be very careful of talking to a mutual friend, etc, as you'd also be disclosing her status, which is probably the last thing she wants you to do without her consent. Is there any counselor you can reach out to in the local HIV clinic where you have your test? Maybe ask them for a referral?

You haven't talked much about your own worries.. so seeking some qualified counseling may not be a bad idea in dealing with this relationship and your own concerns about your health. I know Northern European countries like Norway, etc have excellent care and health supports for their citizens so I hope those services are readily available to you..

I wish you the best my friend,

Shaun

[FNE]

Thank you very much for your advice Shaun. I appreciate it and I found it very helpful.
I am planning to talk about my problems with a counselor next time I go to a test at the local aidscouncil. Luckily we have all these services available and free of charge in our country. The reason I have not done so yet, is that I am very scared and the nicest place to be is at home sitting at my comfortable sofa thinking about things.

thank you my friend and I wish you all the best also,
FNE

[anniebc]

Hi FNE

Komnaes has given you some good advise, so not much more I can add.

Reaction to the results is different for everyone, over time she will find a way of coping with the virus that suits her and it might be quite different from how others deal with it...maybe this is her way of coping with her initial diagnosis and will get in touch when she feels ready to do so, sometimes we need to get ourselves prepared first before we can prepare others..just be patient, I know it must be hard on you knowing you still love her, but try not to push her too hard.

Take care
Jan

[FNE]

Thank you for your good advice Jan.
I really need it and I appreciate it.

All the best,
FNE

[FNE]

Just to update. I had my 9 weeks and 2 days test today. Negative. One more test left next month.
No good news about my girlfriend. She found some local denialists and there is nothing I can do. And she smokes a lot. Well I hope she will find reason and begin to look after her health. But it is her decision in the end.

[komnaes]

It must have been tough for you FNE, but I hope this second negative result can at least help ease your anxiety.

In the meantime stay strong for yourself, and hopefully she will see that you're there for her and re-establish contact.

Shaun

[Ann]

No good news about my girlfriend. She found some local denialists and there is nothing I can do. 

That's frightening. Denialists are dangerous people as I assume you know by what you said. I hope you or someone else close to her can talk her 'round. I can't stress enough how dangerous those people are - they are responsible for many (otherwise preventable) deaths of hiv positive persons.

Please check out this website and if you can, send your girlfriend a link so she can read it too. It totally debunks the denialists' position. http://www.aidstruth.org/

By the way, your 9 week negative is highly unlikely to change when you get your three month conclusive result. Good luck.

[FNE]

Thank you Shaun and Ann.

I will most definatly send her the link you provided. This whole situation is very depressing and frightening. I am trying to do all that I can to get her out of "denialism". I hope, that when she comes out of the initial shock, she will realise what is good for her well being.

[Ann]

I hope she comes to her senses too. Some don't until they get really sick, and for some, it can be too late. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen to her. Good luck. Keep us posted and let us know if we can help in any other way.

[franfrog]

FNE
As you have gotten great advice from everyone.  I do want to say that I know how your ex is feeling.  I was married to my husband for about 2 years when i found out my status. I tried pushing him away with the feeling that he did not deserve to have to go through this.  He was very insistant and stuck around against my wishes and I am glad he did.
We were having unprotected sex from the beginning but thank god he has tested negative and every year continues to get checked.  We are currently expecting a baby of our own right now and everything has looked up.
As I commend you for not running away once she has told you.  I think you are a great person for trying to talk to her and I say don't give up especially if she is going to start trying to destroy her life she needs help.  Be patient but be persistant. 
Good luck

[FNE]

Thank you Franfrog.

She told me exactly what you said. She feels that I do not deserve to go through this. And she also feels that she has no right to be beside me. I am trying to maintain some kind of contact with her, but it is difficult. I have not heard from her for a while now. I will still try to reach for her. It is difficult since we are in different cities (450km + a border). I don't want to give up - I love her. But unfortunately it seems that this situation is of such nature that we will not be able to be together, or, as it seems, even to maintain contact. I hope this situation will change - only time will tell... No need to say that I am very tired and absolutely devastated and depressed... I cannot imagine how it is for her.

Do men cry?
-Unfortunatly yes.

It warms my heart to hear that you have such a great and loving husband! It is so wonderful that you are having a baby together - it is absolutely wonderful!!! Greatest event in life, in my opinion. I don't have my own children yet, but I hope I will see that day! =)

I wish you, your husband, and your beautiful baby all the best and a lot of happiness in the future!!!

[FNE]

Hi all,
a little update to my situation.

Today I had my 3 months conclusive test. Non-reactive. Feeling relieved but still sad.

A cousin of my x-gf contacted me asking what happened, since my X has told no reason to our break up. Well, I only told her that she will have to ask my x for that information for herself. I think I do not have the right to tell her cousin about HIV-status.  But I encouraged her cousin to get to the bottom of the situation.

If there will be some development to the better in this whole mess, I will certainly post it here. Good news are always a joy to read.

I would like to thank this community for giving me support and great advice in this difficult situation. You are doing a wonderful job.

I have recently discussed with my friends about HIV trying to improve their knowledge about it. People seem to be really uneducated about this virus and have unrealistic fears about how they could get infected.
I also volunteered to make translations from / to Russian language at my local Aidscouncil. I hope I can help them as much as I can.

I wish you all a very merry christmas and the most wonderful new year!

Sincerely,
FNE

[komnaes]

That's very good news FNE and I feel glad for you..

And may I say you have done a great job in refraining from disclosing her status, even it does sound like you must be under a lot of emotional pressure. It's often easier said than done.. though we as a community really don't appreciate people disclosing our HIV status without consent, perhaps with the exception of a few that are very public (like appearing in media and having come out on the internet, etc).

It's unfortunate that many do not know or care to know about HIV before they're forced to face it. The world definitely needs more volunteers to spread the message.

Again, I wish you the best and for your ex, if you still have strong feelings for her, the story may not have to end the way as it's now. It has just been a few short months.. so you never know.

удача..

Shaun

[pepbac]

Sorry for that.
When one is tested and the results turns positive it seems to be the end of almost everything and the mind that always comes in you is dying next month and since they do not want to leave anybody with hatred or hurting for what happened they tend to stay a lone.
Stress is another thing that makes people to stay alone not wanting any company but finally when they come to realize and accept their status they start their normal life.
It just a matter of time, continue calling her and comforting her but understand that she needs time and when the trauma is over you'll be together.
For you just be strong go for the test AIDS doesn't any cure from any human but from Jesus you can get healed and it doesn't kill immediately, you still have life to live and many people are looking unto you , both of you are important in this world and there are people who need you more.
All the best.