woke to bad news

[zach]

just a vent, shit i can't say yet to fam

an old soul passed in alabama last night. a man i've loved and respected most of my life. taught me to paddle the roughest rapids. and i am so fucking pissed off at him right now. he'd been sick, and i know it sucked. i felt like maybe he was making "arrangements" for a couple weeks. maybe more than anyone knew. anyway, this time he didn't fight. opted out, suicide, killed himself. cowards way out. ugly words to end such a beautiful life. went on the road and saw family one last time, i knew he was doing a lot of travel this summer. said his goodbyes i guess. came home, why last night, who knows. a wife and two littles, and who the hell knows how many lives touched. not right what you did, making us carry this as a last memory

downstream, sweet om

[initforlife]

  HUGS ZACH! I'm so sorry!

[wolfter]

Sorry for your loss Zach.

[Ptrk3]

Very sorry to hear of your loss, Zach.  Depression is another country and it's only when you get back "home," if you're lucky enough to get back home, that you can understand that it is the illness (depression) that often causes the hopeless thinking cycle.  I have been there (and I know from other posts of yours, Zach, that you may have been there, too), and in my experience suicidal thoughts/actions was not the seeking of death per se, but a desperate attempt to end the pain, and I could not see beyond that (those who would suffer from the finality of my action) because of the illness and how it changes your thinking and makes it irrational.

May your friend now rest in peace and may those he left behind (including you) get through these difficult days and achieve peace of mind, in time after healing from their loss.

I read this today (of course, suicide is in the news) and post the link here in the hopes it may help forum members to understand the nature of suicide and its relation to depression, other life issues, and demographics.  I'm sure a number of us on these boards are vulnerable, so do take extra care and seek professional help if you feel hopeless (I did and am all the better for it):

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/robin-williams-in-a-group-facing-higher-risk-of-suicide-older-white-men-with-depression/2014/08/12/8e1164d6-225e-11e4-86ca-6f03cbd15c1a_story.html

[zach]

i think for anyone that gets to that point, depression is part of the equation.

maybe i have hypocritical views. on the one hand, i have a medical directive myself, and i support assisted suicide. i don't know how bad a diagnosis he faced.

i dunno

and in typical gypsy fashion, didn't really say goodbye to anyone. just woke up in the middle of the night and gone

[Joe K]

Zach,

My deepest condolences on the loss of your friend.  Having battled mental illness, my entire life, I realize how hard it is, for some people to comprehend how one could take their own life.  The reality of most mental illness, is that it completely alters how one views their reality and actually alters thought processes.  To say that one must be crazy to commit suicide is factually correct.

They are simply unable to cope with the reality they perceive, due to mental illness.  They leave others to guess at what happened, when even if they knew the truth, it still would not make any sense, to anyone, not suffering from a mental illness.

Your friend committed suicide to get away from the mental illness... not the ones who he held most dear.

All my best,

Joe

[zach]

think if he had talked about this, there were strong people a lot closer to him than i was. i know he was facing what i thought was "just" prostate cancer, without insurance, maybe far worse for all i know. probably very painful. i can't believe there was no treatment solution. but to just to lay down like that, so at odds with that wise old oak tree of a man. this guy really was a peaceful warrior. on the one hand i just feel like fuck, i've faced some shit too so yeah i'll judge. he copped out real quick. on the other hand, who am i to judge

[Ptrk3]

It's not about judging, it's about how hard it is to understand what seems to be an irrational act.  If your friend suffered from depression, it's the illness of depression that can cause the irrational and hopeless thoughts.  Suddenly, with those irrational thoughts banging around your brain, it seems "rational" to end it all, to end the spiritual or physical or mental anguish that causes the pain.  I say this only from my own experience, and I don't pretend to know your friend, but you and those who loved your friend may never know what drove him to his final act.  You can only be there now for them and for yourself.  My deepest condolences to you and I wish you the strength to move on, in time after the grieving and healing are complete.

[Jeff G]

My condolences Zack ... peace .

[emeraldize]

Sending my sympathy along to you, too, Zach. If you read about suicide, you may find you can frame your friend's exit differently. It is heartbreaking for those left to mourn and miss.

[ImisstheOldTimes]

Zach-Attack,

I'm so sorry for your loss, it is never easy to lose someone, but especially when it's them taking their own life. Also with young kids and a wife, wishing you all peace in this time. Love you buddy!

And depression, yeah, that's a shadow that likes to follow me too, luckily, prozac keeps it at bay!

(((ZACH)))