POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: goldkray9 on June 26, 2014, 03:04:51 pm
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How do you feel about the person who infected you?Do you forgive them?
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I forgave him but try as I might I can never ever forget it. He lied and deceived me, knowingly altered the course of my future. I wonder how I forgave, maybe underneath it all I haven't. Accepted, rather than forgave.
What about you?
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It was my first husband and yes I forgive him, and wish he was still alive. He was a horrible alcoholic/drug addict, and I know he was not aware of his diagnosis. Wouldn't have mattered, I knew what kind of life he led apart from me. I didn't insist on condoms.
He died just within days of me finding out my status. I was angry at him for dying. Even if he did know, I would feel the same way. But, he never, ever got medical care, even prior to the HIV. He felt the same way I did-invincible.
Even though HIV itself has been a horrible thing to live with these past 25 years, I have met some wonderful people, and am happy they were in my life. Many of them I miss horribly, they did not survive this disease. The ones that are still living I cherish. And I met many of them here. But, I was open to making new friends, hearing different views and opinions, meeting all types of different people, and keeping an open mind when it comes to everything.
In your other post over in the "living with" section, you thought someone was maybe picking on you for you being upset with the person who infected you. I think a lot of us have been there at some point. You were just encouraged to work on the anger toward yourself, and I believe that's a huge part of this.
Of course, we're here. I check the women's forum regularly, so I'll keep looking at this thread. I'm not merging your two threads together, as I kind of understand you may just want women's views here, but a more general feel over in the other section.
Please take care, and keep venting!
Betty
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I was engaged to an older man. This woman called my home asking for me. She said he was having sex with her. Then she said "I hope you have AIDs b****."
He denied everything at first.
Long story short, I don't think about him as much as this was twenty years ago. All he did was hold me back.
I am no longer angry. His life is still terrible. The woman he left me for looked like his favorite actress, Kirstie Alley, I ran into them in the market, she is no longer skinny. She is over four hundred pounds. I had a difficult time watching any Kirstie Alley movie. Now I can see her and enjoy the movie or show.
Things take time I guess.
I read the above reply. You may or may not be angry at yourself. I did not read your post in the Living With HIV, but it is normal to be angry toward who infected you. The man who infected me knew for two years before he met me. I was angry, but I worked it out. I focused on what I can control and change rather than the HIV.
I have a sixteen year old daughter who does not have HIV and she knows about my health. I have been positive twenty years. I tell her every now and again she is the best part of my life.
If I was never infected I would never have met my husband or had my daughter. I cannot be angry.
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This thread has turned out to be quiet nice ... I had a young family member who assumed this forum and HIV was all about gay men and we all know how far from the truth that is .
I told the young cousin that not everyone with HIV got it after a night of drunkenly dancing to Its Raining Men ... I was proud of my little joke but it went so far over her head I buckled down and gave her the sobering facts . I had to check my sense of humor because this young woman is at risk for HIV ... bet she wouldn't understand that Mary is a boys name either .
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I will agree Jeff. As I must admit I never gave it much thought that I was at risk of getting hiv. I was one of those who thought it was more for the gay guys.( I'm sorry I thought that way now) What is sad I worked in health care all my life and I really knew nothing about hiv I didn't even know how it was spread to one person to another.. I think most remember in the early years where it was all over the news old out dated info. People still have the same believe in the area. Thank God for this site and for my case worker and Id DR. They reassured me first of all I wasn't going to die from hiv. and I do have to make some life changes but not much . I do know every time I had unprotected sex with a guy I had put myself at risk. I'm learning so much here . I wish I was brave enough to tell more people and explain to them what was in the 80 is no longer the truth about hiv. but I just can't right now. .......... maybe one day!
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Oh, another interesting thread that has been abandoned for a while.
Actually, I never felt like I had to forgive him because he never lied to me and my husband (we got HIV from the same guy). Our sex life was risky and unfortunately, it happened, we got careless. But that's quite alright, really. We're still good friends with him because we're all adults and we're well aware we all made a mistake. But it's in the past and we can't change it, right? So why keeping hard feelings?
I can see, however, that some of you got HIV through very different circumstances and I admire all of you for being able to move on and not hold any grudges. I wonder if I could ever be that civilized if my situation had been different.
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I do forgive him, as he too just found out he is pos, and thinks his life is over.
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I do forgive him , he didn't know and he was diagnosed really very late and very poorly had he not have found out I would not have known. I was bitter for a while because I had always been careful never had sex without a condom etc It didn't occur to me that we should both test before trying for a family we were both happy healthy ( so I thought) and low risk.
It turned out he had it for a long time without knowing and eventually got poorly and despite not being in any of the at risk catagories he caught before we met and passed it to me.
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This is a really interesting question!
I suppose I feel neutral about the person who infected me. I think this because ultimately I am accountable for my own actions. The need to forgive them would infer they infected me with some sort of malice or intent. I am not really sure he knew his own status, so there isn't anything that I can see to forgive.
Maybe the better question for me would be, do I forgive myself? The answer to that is yes. I am only human.
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My take on this is a little different.
I had mixed feelings: when it happened I hated him and I blamed myself.
Hated him because before we started dating we had the HIV/AIDS discussion. I had just had my tests and I was negative. He told me he was negative too ...turns out he lied, because he infected someone else he dated before me...and I only found out too late.
Blamed myself for believing and trusting him...and for getting infected. I fully accept my responsibility here. Takes two to tangle. I should have still used protection all the times we had sex, but I got comfortable and blinded after a while...and here I am today, 8 years pos.
Almost 8 years down the road, I have no idea where he is...and I don't even want to know. Wherever he is, I hope he is able to forgive himself for what he did. I hope he has not infected others. When I confronted him he claimed he was negative....Guess he thinks I infected myself!
I have forgiven myself for being stupid, I have picked up my life and I have moved on.
Karry
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I totally forgive the person that infected me with HIV. I believe that it is so easy to forgive him because I made the decision to be with him. I knew he was an addict and married and continued to sleep with him. I made a choice at 19 years old, not to value my life as I should. So yes, I forgive him and at times am very disappointed with myself. I could understand why others, who did not have the knowledge that I had, could have trouble with forgiving.
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Hi, I rarely come here as mostly I deal with hiv on my own and it causes me few problems, although I find great comfort here when I need to feel how others are coping with this and am really grateful that it exists. Only 2 friends know about my situation, but it's not really discussed because it doesn't really affect my daily life. It seems that I may be a controller and therefore will hopefully not have to take meds, so other than the twice a year bloods followed by the twice a year doctor (free as I'm in the UK) I largely ignore it, and count myself one of the lucky ones (if you have to have this virus...) I got it from my husband, now ex, who seemed to think that working away for long periods of time allowed him to have sex outside of what I had thought was a happy marriage.
I have a great team at the hospital and normally everything goes to plan. Today however there was a mix up over days and the specialist nurse, my rock, bordering on friend, who I have known from Day 1 (6 years ago) wasn't there. I decided to wait for someone else but there is an issue with timing for bloods to leave with the van, finding someone who could look at my notes, and not wanting to speak to the staff about my problem in front of the other people there, who were largely young people, (I am in my 50s), possibly friends of my children, there for the "drop in" session, some who were laughing together about the sexual antics that had caused them to be there in the first place.
Which leads to how I feel about how the person who gave it to me. Normally I am ambivilent about him. I don't hate him, the hiv wasn't the only reason we separated in the end, and I feel that being angry all the time won't change anything and is wasted energy. As I said, being a controller and in the UK, and having found a neg and lovely partner, I know I am much luckier than many people in the world.
Today though the anger came through from nowhere and with a vengeance. I spent 45 minutes in the waiting room with a lot of people who by their own admission were there because of their own actions (and I'm not judging) and I feel so angry that because he had no self control I now have to walk down the long corridor with the signs marked "Sexual Health" and in through that door. I feel humiliated, I live in constant fear that I will bump into people I know (the hospital is local), I can't even bring myself to speak to the reception staff about my situation. I hate it. I hate it so much. I have to lie to my friends at work about where I'm going, and I hate that too. If he had to had sex why couldn't he have done the responsible thing and used a condom? In the end I couldn't wait any longer, I made my excuses and made it back to my car before dissolving into huge, gasping tears until I could barely breathe, just thinking how much I hate, hate, hate what he's done to me. I went between hating him and just hating what he's done, and I sat in that car park and howled. I wanted to call him right then and just say, this is what you've reduced me to. I have to make excuses to friends in my life, I have to wear long sleeves in the summer which looks wierd, to cover the bruises if bloods have been difficult, I have to make sure I have removed the little round plaster in case my inquisitive children ask what that was for and then have to lie again. I am not a liar, and he has turned me into one. While I don't think it effects me I do think that it is in the background. I have to hide the condoms that my partner and I use in case my children spot them - why would a post menapausal women in a steady relationsihip use condoms? And then there is the condoms themselves - a necessary evil but I hate them too. We never used them during our marriage, but I have been condemned to using them now, as has my very understanding partner, but my husband took away the spontiniety of sex. I feel that he has caused some of my vibrancy to be hidden by the constant subconciousness of watching what I say and do. So I don't hate him as such, even while I was howling in my car, but I absolutely, totally hate what he has done to me through selfishness. So actually, maybe today I do hate a bit of him.
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Sorry, that was a bit long! I was feeling really desperate, sad and very low. Better now...
I realise I only answered half of the question. I don't forgive him for not using protection when he was having sex with the other woman/women. That was completely irresponsible, thoughtless and selfish. But I suppose that I do forgive him for passing it to me as he didn't know that he had it until he became very ill. And he is still so much in denial that he still has no idea why I divorced him! Difficult to hold anger at someone who can't even see why you're angry with them!
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I don't forgive the person who infected me because they have nothing to be forgiven for. That may sound crazy, but I chose to sleep with them repeatedly without protection and without any kind of testing. I did this with the knowledge that they had performed risky behavior in their past and he was totally honest about that with me. I also did this without being in an exclusive relationship with him. He did not know he was infected and told me immediately when he found out. I have to take responsibility for the decisions I made and the results that they bore. Any anger I dealt with was directed toward myself.
As far as how I feel about the man that infected me, I wish him health and happiness, the same things I want for myself.
Sorry if this sounds preachy, that was not what I was going for.
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My husband have it to me. He's bisexuals but I did not know that when we married. We found out when he went to jail for something he had done before we met. He told me over the phone from jail. I hung up. I had no words. First i was furious. But he didn't know either that he was positive. I have forgiven him and we are still together. I have more trouble forgiving him for for not telling me he was bi. He has picked fights and left so he could sleep with men for the past 2 years. He's told me Iwell have to be ok with him doing this or he will leave. That in itself Iwill never forgive him for. He should have been honest with me and himself before we married. ..8 years ago.
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there's a mixture of love with anger and sadness. He died over 6 years ago. I miss him. Wish he hadn't left so soon. I hate dating. Actually I'm giving up on it. I feel like this ordeal has made me lose my innocent perspective that people are good (men specifically) .. well the ones I met are good but so messed up emotionally.
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No. I do not forgive him. I married a man and we were trying to start a family.. yes.. get pregnant. Thankfully I did not get pregnant but I did get HIV. and then found out he knew over a year before he met me. He is dead now and I'm not angry at him. I dont forgive it though. He never asked for it anyway.
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My first husband gave it to me around 1987. I didn't know he was positive, though, until he passed in 1989. But he didn't know either. He was a horrible alcoholic that never, ever went to the doctor. I was angry at him for dying, not for passing the virus.
So, I forgave him a long time ago as far as the virus is concerned. And eventually I forgave him for dying. When I forgive people it's more for myself. I hate hanging onto resentments, they can fuck people up. So, I believe forgiveness and letting go are keys for me to keep my emotional health in check.
Betty
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I hate him with every fibre of my being! I cant even stand the thought of him. Im so angry at him Im not his first victim apparently he goes around infecting young woman with this virus. I saw from his instagram account he already has a new victim. I just want him to stop. Im also so med at these public clinics for using rapid tests. He took ARV which reduces the viral load and the level of antibodies in his blood. I was very open about the topic we heard the HIV/AIDS discussion told him I broke up with my bf of 5years coz I felt like he was cheating and putting me at risk I chose my health over love. He pretended that he also feels the same we went and got tested several times with the rapid test since hes taking ARVs he would test negative also. Somewhere around September he stopped taking his meds just so he infects me. End of September broke up with me. I started having acute infection symptoms I went to the Dr dats when I heard that shocking news thats people who take ARV tend to test negative. Everything made sense it explained why he forced unprotected sex he would rape me in certain instances(spousal rape) just so we don't use protection. He was jealous I was young early twenties things going well in varsity I had dreams which included joining the military. It was like talking about cheese with a rat. I refuse to blame my self I had pure intentions I was inlove I went testing with him several times he had hidden agendas. I hate him and I doubt I will ever forgive him I dont have to even. Im planning on taking legal actions against him. He has to stop! I will make him stop even if it means doing it my self.
1st positive ELISA test TODAY as in 18 Jan 2016
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ARV’S do NOT make you test negative, the rapid test looks for antibodies and not the virus itself . Welcome to the forum .
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Apparently ARVs decrease the concentration of not just the virus but the the antibodies too. I don't know how but yah. :(
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Apparently ARVs decrease the concentration of not just the virus but the the antibodies too. I don't know how but yah. :(
Im really happy you found the forum and i am glad you are here so please do not think I am arguing with you for arguments sake but giving out correct and accurate information is what we strive for … so its important that people know that viral load and antibodies are not the same thing in HIV testing and that meds cannot make a person test HIV negative after they have seroconverted, its just not the way it works .
You can read about this subject on The body ….http://www.thebody.com/Forums/AIDS/SafeSex/Q201813.html
Im sorry I invaded the women’s forum and apologize for it … I admit I just realized what forum I was posting in but would have probably done so anyway in this one instance.
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Im not trying to argue with you at all too. I understand what an antibody and antigen is I took an immunology module in my under graduate degree I understand the adaptive immunity. Over time people who are on ARVs tend to test negative with the rapid test. Its a problem we are facing in the public clinics here in South Africa its sad that this information is not put out there. I found this out too late unfortunately. There has not been any research done on this according to my knowledge I tried searching for journal articles no luck. Well according to my limited knowledge I think what happens is an antibody is also foreign to the body there are probably antibodies against antibodies I dnt know. These anti-antibody antibodies eliminate them and decrease their concentration in the bodily fluids or they disappear due to a reason I dont understand hence we have memory cells which producs the same antibodies when comes into contact with the antigen. since the viral load is UD meaning the will be very small amounts/not be any antigens in the blood stream that will launch an immune response therrfore no antibodies produced. Though they may be trace amounts of antibodies left, they may not be enough for the sensitivity of the rapid test hence they test negative. Infact theres someone in this forum who posted that she tested for fun it then came out negative il look for her post
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Im not trying to argue with you at all too. I understand what an antibody and antigen is I took an immunology module in my under graduate degree I understand the adaptive immunity. Over time people who are on ARVs tend to test negative with the rapid test. Its a problem we are facing in the public clinics here in South Africa its sad that this information is not put out there. I found this out too late unfortunately. There has not been any research done on this according to my knowledge I tried searching for journal articles no luck. Well according to my limited knowledge I think what happens is an antibody is also foreign to the body there are probably antibodies against antibodies I dnt know. These anti-antibody antibodies eliminate them and decrease their concentration in the bodily fluids or they disappear due to a reason I dont understand hence we have memory cells which producs the same antibodies when comes into contact with the antigen. since the viral load is UD meaning the will be very small amounts/not be any antigens in the blood stream that will launch an immune response therrfore no antibodies produced. Though they may be trace amounts of antibodies left, they may not be enough for the sensitivity of the rapid test hence they test negative. Infact theres someone in this forum who posted that she tested for fun it then came out negative il look for her post
We are here to help people find accurate information on HIV … please do not post inaccurate and misleading information about treatment and testing on this forum . If you want to discuss your theory then start a thread of your own in the research forum .
There is no basis in fact to support what you shared and we do not want other people to be misled.
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That doesn't mean they nolonger have the HIV virus they still do they are not cured theres no cure we all know that. Our meds are what will keep us alive. The viral RNA Integrates into the hosts genome it stays there suppressed by meds. Im sorry Jeff :( but I really was not trying to mislead anyone though you can remove my reply. This is one of the disadvantage of the rapid test over ELISA which more sensitive it would pick up those trace amounts though rapid tests are also very accurate.
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That doesn't mean they nolonger have the HIV virus they still do they are not cured theres no cure we all know that. Our meds are what will keep us alive. The viral RNA Integrates into the hosts genome it stays there suppressed by meds. Im sorry Jeff :( but I really was not trying to mislead anyone though you can remove my reply.
I do think it best if you want to continue to discuss your concerns with testing to do it in your own thread so as not to get off topic in this one . Its OK to discuss whatever you want to talk about. I have no choice but to address things like this when they come up but I am not supposed to be posting in the women’s forum so please, if you want to discuss it further start a thread of your own in the research forum.
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I do forgive him. He was not aware that he had it.
Who i do not forgive, though, is the doctor who only tested for 2 STD's when my boyfriend asked for a full STD panel. We were trying to be smart before sleeping together, but due to the fault of the physician for not informing him what he was being tested for, and rather told him "You're all clean! No STD's" , I contracted HIV after my first time ever having sex.
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I was angry for so long. Then one day I felt this release of hatred. Self hatred too. I was happy again. Not too sure what changed other than I woke up one morning feeling free.
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I feel nothing which is beautiful, for the longest, he scared me to death.
We ran into each other at the grocery store about 6 years ago and he apologized. We are kinda friends now. Our son, who is turning 23 this year, can't stand him. I am not trying to make excuses for people who are physically violent but a lot of times they have had childhood trauma that never gets dealt with and it comes out thru abusing others.
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I feel nothing which is beautiful, for the longest, he scared me to death.
We ran into each other at the grocery store about 6 years ago and he apologized. We are kinda friends now. Our son, who is turning 23 this year, can't stand him. I am not trying to make excuses for people who are physically violent but a lot of times they have had childhood trauma that never gets dealt with and it comes out thru abusing others.
I understand this. The man who infected me had to deal with a mother who was violent. His father was always out with other women.
I don't know if I don't care anymore or if I just forgave him. But I knew his life story and it only helped me feel bad and stay with him at first.
Now I have been married 17 years to a man who doesn't hit me. I chose not to be friends with man who infected me. Instead leaving him behind understanding that I moved on as he had.
Last I heard his children turned on him. His wife left him when he lost his company.
Here I am bored at times. But today I have a career and been married 17 years.
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I just tested positive 1 week ago, so as of right now, HELL NO! I'm actually going thru the process of pressing charges! He knew he had it, didn't tell me and chose to let me have unprotected sex with him, A LOT,, for 4 months. I don't know that I ever will. I will probably stop hating him because hating him will only wear me down, but forgive him? NAH
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I’m still very angry at the person who infected me, I was engaged to him and found out at a meeting at church that he had a male lover he was dealing with that was infected with the virus. I found out a few months after being infected his cousin told me he intentionally infected me because I questioned his sexual preference. I believe it’s harder for me to get over because I had to see him and his mother frequently at job. So the constant reminder the person that altered my life abs the reason I’m no longer able to date seriously is rubbed in my face.
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@Vonnie82
Hiya and welcome to the forum.
As a new member, can you please open an introduction thread in the "I Just tested positive" section and introduce yourself to the forum members. Thanks.
Let us know how are you doing, how the treatment is going etc. It's standard for new members. :)
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I gave myself HIV by my choices and actions.
As to who I contacted HIV from, I honestly don't know
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It's been just over 3 years since my diagnosis, but I'm still angry. Whenever I think about him I get feel rage and disgust and hate. And I know I can't fully place blame on him - because maybe he didn't know he was poz, but it doesn't make me any less angry or upset.
I keep trying to get myself to forgive him - I keep telling myself that there's a chance he didn't know and I just can't bring myself to forgive him.
Maybe one day it will come, but not yet.
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@Onlyhuman,
Hi and welcome to the forum.
As a new member, can you please open an introduction thread in the "I Just tested positive" section and introduce yourself to the forum members. Thanks.
Let us know how are you doing, how the treatment is going etc. It's standard for new members. :)
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I’m still very angry at the person who infected me, I was engaged to him and found out at a meeting at church that he had a male lover he was dealing with that was infected with the virus. I found out a few months after being infected his cousin told me he intentionally infected me because I questioned his sexual preference. I believe it’s harder for me to get over because I had to see him and his mother frequently at job. So the constant reminder the person that altered my life abs the reason I’m no longer able to date seriously is rubbed in my face.
Now this is a crazy story!!! I’m sorry Vonnie this happened to you! I felt that way about dating too, but I promise you it will get better. Men will still find you attractive and you’ll get your confidence back.