Trials and Tribulations of an Old Poz Queen

[denb45]

LOL Now I want to modify my post. It was hypothetical. I'm totally not on SS. I was in the early 90's but they wont allow me back on it unless I am almost dead I suspect.

Form what I understand, back in 2003, G.W. BUSH changed the definition of just who gets SSDI for AIDS and who doesn't, I not sure what is changed, but I do know that you need at least a t-cell count of 200 or below, and at least 2 IO's and unable to work........as my doctor told me, he said "Look you have Full Blown AIDS, you may get better from time to time with better MEDS, but you still have AIDS, and that won't ever change, so, you are disabled, cuz AIDS has no cure" if I just had HIV and no AIDS diagnosis I wouldn't be on SSDI ( You need to have an AIDS diagnosis to get SSDI or you need some other Qualifying debilitating Condition, in my case it was AIDS)  ......If I even tried to go back to work, I would be in the same boat I was in 10 yrs. ago, after a while (3 to 6 months) I'd more than likely get Sick & Stress-out all over again, and this time I would be DEAD  it just isn't worth it to me 

[Winiroo]

I have 136 tcells if I remember correctly and countless OI's LOL

[denb45]

I have 136 tcells if I remember correctly and countless OI's LOL

  Oh my...........if that is correct, then you have AIDS just like I do, AIDS just doesn't go away, you will have it the rest of your life until the day you DIE, so, if your doctor has this info in your medical records ( your 136 t-cells and your countless OI's,) you should still be on SSDI, with an AIDS Diagnosis from your Doctor, if you were ever on it?.........LOL!     

Ronnie are you reading this? if you just have HIV, and NO AIDS Diagnosis from your Doctor, you will not get approved for SSDI, you might be able to use your DVT to get SSDI? if it stops you from working, and is painfull to even walk around? just having HIV alone just won't make the grade for getting SSDI 

[rondrond]

Oh my...........if that is correct, then you have AIDS just like I do, AIDS just doesn't go away, you will have it the rest of your life until the day you DIE, so, if your doctor has this info in your medical records ( your 136 t-cells and your countless OI's,) you should still be on SSDI, with an AIDS Diagnosis from your Doctor, if you were ever on it?.........LOL!     

Ronnie are you reading this? if you just have HIV, and NO AIDS Diagnosis from your Doctor, you will not get approved for SSDI, you might be able to use your DVT to get SSDI? if it stops you from working, and is painfull to even walk around? just having HIV alone just won't make the grade for getting SSDI 

Hi Dennis,
Thanks for all the info. MY DVT is the primary diagnosis in the SSDI application. I have Post Thrombotic Syndrome which just boils down to there is valve damage, thus causing the swelling when I am in an upright position. Nerve damage, Peripheral Neuropathy.

I can't help but believe that I will be approved ...someday. After all, Binder and Binder has been doing this for years, they only get paid their fee if I get a settlement. They must think that I qualify, otherwise, wouldn't this past year and any future endeavors on their part just be a waste of their time?

 Also, I am now tired, and sleeping all the time. After I get up, there is about a 3 hour window of activity followed by....After 3 hours, I find myself going back to sleep. And I have other issues that haven't been addressed yet...back, hip, groin pain, and something new..sharp pain in my knees after walking for awhile. . Shortness of breath. These will be addressed as the referrals are accepted and appointments are scheduled. .

I was really worried about my knees, as not only did it hurt, but the first time it happened, we were going to get our haircuts. I don't have a lift on my truck, so we have to use the manual wheelchair when we go out. I was pushing the chair up an incline on the sidewalk and sudden sharp knee pain stopped me in my tracks...

Katie had to help, which doesn't help her rotor cuff? in her shoulder. I became even more alarmed leaving and going back to the truck was downhill, and holding the chair, acting like a brake so she didn't go flying down the parking lot, the sharp pain again stopped me in my tracks.

Without a job, shortness of breath, only able to function at the most, for three hours before I have to lay down....mostly the laying down is to elevate my leg to relieve the swelling.....but once I'm horizontal....it's 'night night, lights out' 

I keep thinking.... I should no longer be considered a caregiver anymore as all I do anymore is 'buy groceries and cook em'. Mostly sitting in a chair at the stove....I need a long legged stool....I really need a cook...

[rondrond]

How do they determine if the people coming to help your sister are working?

Could you maybe use your mother's name and do the work for your mom? You don't have to answer. Just hypothetically.
It was a thought.

Some persons on SSI or SSDI get paid using a family members identity or girlfriends or boyfriends who is not on SSDI. Its a tad criminal but people do it. I have no clue if it would even work in your case.

Hi Wendy,
I have heard the aides talk of this before. If they have a doctor appointment or are sick, they will have someone who stands in for them so their client doesn't go without care.  but I couldn't do it because then Katie wouldn't get what she needs....She uses a bedpan during the night and empties it into a bucket by the bed. She takes a water pill for her edema which makes her pee..a lot. Sometimes, she dreams she is peeing, and she is.

She has developed a plan involving chucks and diapers and towels. this keeps it contained ,unless she has a bad night, which will require a complete change of bed linens. My washer/dryer are used daily.

Help transferring from her chair to the shower bench and back. Strange, exotic, feminine activities, that only women know about because I refuse to go there....she's my sister....

I worked for TDMHR(Texas Department of Mental Health and Retardation) for 7 years and had to do all kinds of unsavory 'job duties, classified in the small print as 'other duties as assigned' ....and I did them...but for some reason....I can't go there with my sister...IF it came to be a life/health threatening situation and I was the only one there...maybe....

Thankfully, the aides do the majority of the heavy housework...like vacuuming, pulling the piss soaked  sheets and blankets and pad off the bed...dragging the trash bag full of 'pissy' diapers to the trash bin in the garage. ..I am unable to do this anymore....after 3-4 minutes of heavy activity, I'm gasping for air, my leg turns into a beehive and throbs and I have to go elevate.....it sucks...Changing bed linens and vacuming is HARD work..not to mention that h-e-a-v-y- bag of piss soaked diapers....uuwwggchh..the smell is bad enough, but I can't stress enough how heavy that thing is...

[rondrond]

I have 136 tcells if I remember correctly and countless OI's LOL

I have one Dr who has remarked that a DVT could be caused by HIV. Especially, since I have had HIV for 15 years. I don't know how they could test for that, or if there is a study on it. But, I keep bringing it up..

For some reason, no one seems to want to say that everything that has been 'falling apart' is a direct cause of HIV. They will say, "maybe. could be' but not..'it is" and I'm not good with this 'Dr/Patient relationship' thing as I haven't been sick or been to a doctor in 7 years. Up until last year, I thought that I was going to confound them all and live forever with all my bits intact and working.

I'm trying to adjust my 'hardwired' brain to acceptance...this is not a dream..I'm not on stage playing a part....this is a new reality..I cannot do what I  did at this same time last year....I have to do something different...

[Winiroo]

When I first got on disability in maybe 1994 I was extremely underweight about 50 lbs lighter than I am now, I had a lymph gland in my neck the size of a ping pong ball and I had a whopping 3 cells. They gave me a AIDS diagnosis in 94.

I went back to work in 1998 I think. My memory kinda stinks at times so bear with me. My husband who has since passed was unable to work and thought that if I went to work we would be able to have a better income than both of us being on disability.

Me being the sheep I was back then I went to work. Which made absolutely no difference in our income because the more money I made the less they would give him in disability.
I was fairly healthy for several years and have gradually gone back down. I stupidly took a unsupervised drug holiday and my tcell count got even worse. I'm working on getting better now.

I am working on the average of 2 hours a day usually 7 days a week. Its just enough to pay my bills. Fortunately I am slightly educated and am able to have a job where I don't have to bust my ass for minimum wage and it helps that I am not a high maintenance type girl. Its not a labor type job its more mental than anything.
I am sick everyday but I deal with it. Like I said I'm working on getting better. LOL

I had to Google DVT. this is what I found.

http://www.thebody.com/Forums/AIDS/Meds/Archive/SideEffects/Q159684.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11450780

Pretty interesting stuff.

[rondrond]

In the past 12 years, I have been before the wall of:  Katie is my sister, and needs help. Crossing over,  I've had to shut down my brain and function on auto-pilot, on several occasions.

Katie used to go to water therapy. MITS would show up at the 'butt crack' of dawn and she had to be ready and at the curb, waiting. I was still working and my days started at 4am.  I had a factory outside Lockheed with 6 buildings, 4 shifts, open 24/7 and those men would empty my machines. Sometimes, I would restock them again on my way home, at the end of the day.

At water therapy, the pool water became contaminated and she got Hepatitis. It was not diagnosed right away as in order for Medicaid to pay for a specific result on her blood work, you had to ask for it. She kept feeling tired and not wanting to do anything. She was finally diagnosed with Hepatitis in its final stages at the hospital when her liver started to shut down.

When she returned home, we did not have an aide. She was on Inferon Treatment and had no strength. I had to give her bird baths, and do the 'changing of the bed, with her still in it...."roll over, hold it...ok, now roll over here"..

potty time was the worst....I was her third arm, and my memories only go as far as seeing this ass, and a crack and thirty wipes in this hand that seemed to be attached to the end of my arm...

During the remodel for her new bathroom, We had to move her potty chair to the Dining Room. I had to stand in the doorway, playing 'guard and shield' as she did her business with all these guys coming and going. I had just been released from the hospital for my DVT and was supposed to be on bed rest. I'm certain between the two of us, we gave the work crew plenty of memories, her whizzing around in her chair, and me stumping around on what appeared to be a red log that the doctors insisted was mine, though I was not so sure.

I was convinced that some Dr Frankenstein had replaced my beautiful leg with someone else's....

A week after the remodel started....on a Friday,  Dan, the man and crew have called stating that the work van has broken down and they won't be here today, but will be here Monday...oh great...ronnie assimilates and accepts the broken promise...*oh, you'll have a working toilet by Friday*...

after our first episode of having no toilet for Katie to potty in..I have already enforced a high fiber diet for Katie as I am the one who has to be her 'third arm'...

."concentrate"..."what?"..."concentrate....turn you thoughts inward and let your mind envision snakes and rocks"..."snakes and rocks?"..."what are you talking about?

...your poop..it needs to be rocks(hard and dry) or snakes(long and firm)..currently you are giving me wet and runny cow patties...this is unacceptable as cleanup is a chore with wet and runny...It sticks to the bed pan and I have to pretend its a diaper in the toilet,  but the bed pan is too stiff and wide..so I have to use the toilet brush on it and still it doesn't want to give up the offering, driving me to the sink and running hot water until its finally clean and then,

I still have to be a third arm....I am talking *rather ranting* to Mom that I have now crossed over into the realm considered 'above and beyond' * I have seen and done more than a brother should be expected to do and have serious doubts that even some husbands would do

 Mom has called regarding some of the pictures I have taken of THE REMODEL and I am venting because Katie is not giving snakes and rocks and she is laughing and says..do you use PAM....non-stick cooking oil spray...it will make that cow patty slide on out with hardly any effort...Mom has been down this road before....

[rondrond]

When I first got on disability in maybe 1994 I was extremely underweight about 50 lbs lighter than I am now, I had a lymph gland in my neck the size of a ping pong ball and I had a whopping 3 cells. They gave me a AIDS diagnosis in 94.

I went back to work in 1998 I think. My memory kinda stinks at times so bear with me. My husband who has since passed was unable to work and thought that if I went to work we would be able to have a better income than both of us being on disability.

Me being the sheep I was back then I went to work. Which made absolutely no difference in our income because the more money I made the less they would give him in disability.
I was fairly healthy for several years and have gradually gone back down. I stupidly took a unsupervised drug holiday and my tcell count got even worse. I'm working on getting better now.

I am working on the average of 2 hours a day usually 7 days a week. Its just enough to pay my bills. Fortunately I am slightly educated and am able to have a job where I don't have to bust my ass for minimum wage and it helps that I am not a high maintenance type girl. Its not a labor type job its more mental than anything.
I am sick everyday but I deal with it. Like I said I'm working on getting better. LOL

I had to Google DVT. this is what I found.

http://www.thebody.com/Forums/AIDS/Meds/Archive/SideEffects/Q159684.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11450780

Pretty interesting stuff.

Thank you Wendy,
I have printed it out to show to my Dr.  Fortunately, my next appointment is with Dr D who first made the statement. I also took note of the fact that just having HIV and not HIV meds were considered as I was not on meds when I had the DVT. ... I was still HIV+....

[Winiroo]

umm yeah, I don't know if I'd want to take care of my family member either.
My husband had a stroke and was incontinent for the last two years of his life and I was forever cleaning poop off of him and everything else. But that was my husband not my brother.

[denb45]

When I first got on disability in maybe 1994 I was extremely underweight about 50 lbs lighter than I am now, I had a lymph gland in my neck the size of a ping pong ball and I had a whopping 3 cells. They gave me a AIDS diagnosis in 94.

I went back to work in 1998 I think. My memory kinda stinks at times so bear with me. My husband who has since passed was unable to work and thought that if I went to work we would be able to have a better income than both of us being on disability.

Me being the sheep I was back then I went to work. Which made absolutely no difference in our income because the more money I made the less they would give him in disability.
I was fairly healthy for several years and have gradually gone back down. I stupidly took a unsupervised drug holiday and my tcell count got even worse. I'm working on getting better now.

I am working on the average of 2 hours a day usually 7 days a week. Its just enough to pay my bills. Fortunately I am slightly educated and am able to have a job where I don't have to bust my ass for minimum wage and it helps that I am not a high maintenance type girl. Its not a labor type job its more mental than anything.
I am sick everyday but I deal with it. Like I said I'm working on getting better. LOL

I had to Google DVT. this is what I found.

http://www.thebody.com/Forums/AIDS/Meds/Archive/SideEffects/Q159684.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11450780

Pretty interesting stuff.

     It's almost imposisble and VERY DIFFICULT now-a-days to even get SSDI for having AIDS anymore (with all the new MEDS, and most People don't even get IO's all they much anymore) if they take care of themselves, but never-the-less, I still have AIDS, nothing I can do about that, but, take care of myself, and take my meds, I know, that sooner or later, I will probably DIE due to complications of AIDS, I also know that this is envitable.....
     
      Going back to work for me, just wouldn't work, and after 10 yrs. of not being in the work force, all that would be out there for me would be a low-paying 5 to 8 dollar-an-hour job, that most people can't even live on TODAY, I make more imcome on Disiabillity SSDI & my Teamsters Pension than I would working a min-wage-job.................now, if I could find a non-stressfull job, that would pay me MORE than what I make on disiibility, HELL I would go for it in a heart-beat, but I know the reality of that, just isn't gonna happen for me, so, I'm better OFF being on disibility and living out my life ( whatever's left of my life, and FOR ME, I have come to terms with this, so, I don't have a problem with any of THIS...............

Ronnie, I hope the best for you, and I do hope that you get what's due you (whatever you think that is) and TRUST ME, the amount of your AWARD is NEVER really what you think it will be, it may be a lot LOWER than you even think  .............Wendy, I commend you for doing what your doing ( I wish I could do what your doing) and I do hope that you contiune to take good care of yourself, so, that you DON'T end up being very sick, and back on SSDI again  I always tell a lotta young people I talk to about AIDS, I tell them that AIDS is NO PARTY, and being on SSDI, isn't all what it's cracked up to be.............making only a 3rd of what you use to make is NO PICNIC AT ALL..................

[Winiroo]

I likely should be on disability. I'm sure my health would improve quicker. But they aren't going to give it backto me until I'm almost completely dead. I've been rejected twice since 2001. I haven't tried in several years.

[denb45]

I likely should be on disability. I'm sure my health would improve quicker. But they aren't going to give it backto me until I'm almost completely dead. I've been rejected twice since 2001. I haven't tried in several years.

Like I said before...... It's almost imposisble and VERY DIFFICULT now-a-days to even get SSDI for having AIDS anymore, most DON'T even get AIDS anymore, but they remian just HIV+ that's pretty much the way it is now  and once you loose your SSDI, good luck even getting it back, I know a handfull of people just like you wendy, that are working themselves into being sick all over again, I only know of VERY FEW that were able to even get thier SSDI back, and they had to FIGHT almost 3 yrs before they even got it back 

[rondrond]

I likely should be on disability. I'm sure my health would improve quicker. But they aren't going to give it backto me until I'm almost completely dead. I've been rejected twice since 2001. I haven't tried in several years.

This is why I went with Binder and Binder. There is so much paper work involved that I was completely lost.

Why not call Binder and see what they say? It's a free consultation and they may know something we are not aware of to get past that rejection...

It's like with my TAXES....For years I sent in the EZ form, and got a modest refund. . Then I became self employed and still sent in the EZ forms, and still got a modest refund. . Then I discovered my Tax man and suddenly, I was getting a GREAT refund because he knew things I did not.

[Winiroo]

I'm still hanging onto the idea that I can continue to work and everything will be peachy.

  LOL when I absolutely need to I will

[denb45]

This is why I went with Binder and Binder. There is so much paper work involved that I was completely lost.

Why not call Binder and see what they say? It's a free consultation and they may know something we are not aware of to get past that rejection...

It's like with my TAXES....For years I sent in the EZ form, and got a modest refund. . Then I became self employed and still sent in the EZ forms, and still got a modest refund. . Then I discovered my Tax man and suddenly, I was getting a GREAT refund because he knew things I did not.

I was lucky back in 1998, when I applied for SSDI, I got it the 1st time , it only took 3 months for it to go thur......not to mention the fact that I knew a lotta people who worked for Social Security Admin back then ( I used to work for them form 1987 to 1989) I was a GS-12 Securtiy Police officer for the GSA back then  ........and Yes I had 832-PC ( that means I had the powers of arrest in the State of Calif.) as a PEACE OFFICER, later on I went and worked for the County Court House ( I was a Bailif/Deputy Sherrif) form 1989 to 1998 when I went on SSDI

[Winiroo]

Same here when I applied initially.

[bear60]

"In this messed up Economy   (4 Dollar Gas & Food STICKER SHOCK) I find myself re-doing the budget each and every month, so, ronnie you're not alone.............everyone is doing THIS (whether they want to or not) it has become the norm now-a-days........even for the VERY RICH, they are feeling it too"  quote  denb

Well...thats a qualified "feeling it"...  you know.  Cause those really BIG ticket homes are still selling:

The average price for the top 10% of houses sold last year in Laguna dipped to $8.1 million, vs. $8.2 million in 2006. Prices at the top echelon there ranged from $3.7 million to $31.5 million last year.
The average price in the top 10% of Newport houses dipped to $6.3 million, down from $6.5 million, with prices ranging from $3.7 million to just under $20 million.
In Laguna Beach, 30 homes sold in the top 10%, up from 28 in 2006.
In Newport Beach, 95 homes in that price category sold, up from 55 the year before.

[denb45]

"In this messed up Economy   (4 Dollar Gas & Food STICKER SHOCK) I find myself re-doing the budget each and every month, so, ronnie you're not alone.............everyone is doing THIS (whether they want to or not) it has become the norm now-a-days........even for the VERY RICH, they are feeling it too"  quote  denb

Well...thats a qualified "feeling it"...  you know.  Cause those really BIG ticket homes are still selling:

The average price for the top 10% of houses sold last year in Laguna dipped to $8.1 million, vs. $8.2 million in 2006. Prices at the top echelon there ranged from $3.7 million to $31.5 million last year.
The average price in the top 10% of Newport houses dipped to $6.3 million, down from $6.5 million, with prices ranging from $3.7 million to just under $20 million.
In Laguna Beach, 30 homes sold in the top 10%, up from 28 in 2006.
In Newport Beach, 95 homes in that price category sold, up from 55 the year before.

I dunno Bear60 I NEVER made more than 50K a yr. I suppose that makes me low imcome (that was all I made a yr when I worked) Now I only make a 3rd of that on a Pension and SSDI...........I really wouldn't know, as I have NEVER been RICH, and will NEVER Be........here's a thought, I guess I'll DIE Poor, so, that is a fact of life for almost all of us now-a-days  but thanks for the info, it's nice to know (just how the otherhalf of America's RICH live) who knew!........I sure didn't...i do know THIS, the average single, married or family households can even afford the pay their mortgage
and are losing everything they worked for all their life, it's a shame isn't it.............there are more POOR people in this country than there are RICH
if you ask me, there's something REALLY WRONG HERE!

[bear60]

Yea ...denb i hear ya..... i just try to keep my head above water and maintain all my bills PAID. Anything beyond that is .......fluff.  Fluff includes eating out and buying DVDS and having this computer.
But the truly RICH do not stop being truly RICH and they are snapping up those bargains in Laguna and Newport .......for a bargain at 6.3 million ( marked down from 6.5million.).  They dont care about gas prices....or about whether the cost of health care is unfair.

[denb45]

Yea ...denb i hear ya..... i just try to keep my head above water and maintain all my bills PAID. Anything beyond that is .......fluff.  Fluff includes eating out and buying DVDS and having this computer.
But the truly RICH do not stop being truly RICH and they are snapping up those bargains in Laguna and Newport .......for a bargain at 6.3 million ( marked down from 6.5million.).  They dont care about gas prices....or about whether the cost of health care is unfair.

LOL! yeah same here, for me, I 'm glad I don't have ANYMORE Credit Card Debt, it makes me save more without paying out all that $$$ in interest
Here's what I learned: "it's not what you make, but it's how much you can save" I'm a tight-wad, and have become VERY CHEAP, I had to 10 yrs. ago when I went on SSDI................The Rich don't worry about what things cost, they aren't really affected like WE ARE by all of this MESS.........

[rondrond]

LOL! yeah same here, for me, I 'm glad I don't have ANYMORE Credit Card Debt, it makes me save more without paying out all that $$$ in interest
Here's what I learned: "it's not what you make, but it's how much you can save" I'm a tight-wad, and have become VERY CHEAP, I had to 10 yrs. ago when I went on SSDI................The Rich don't worry about what things cost, they aren't really affected like WE ARE by all of this MESS.........

Credit Card Debt.....I can't believe all the money I just gave away all my life to credit cards and their interest rates. After being diagnosed, I ..went crazy, and started spending and maxing out all my cards...well, I had been told I was dying, what did I care? I wasn't going to be here to answer the phone or door when they came due.

Then, I woke up one day, and I was still here. The bills started coming in, and I was still here and having to deal with them...dang it.

When I became self employed, I worked 15hrs a day 7 days a week. I didn't have time to spend money. the balances started to reach lows I hadn't seen in a long time...such as the day I had received the card.

I became obsessed with the idea of becoming 'debt free'.

I started making more than the minimum payment by 10 dollars. Then making double payments. When a card was paid off, called and cancelled it. Started to pay cash for everything. This was the hardest thing I did. After charging and writing checks for years, I discovered that most busy businesses, like the grocery store, don't like it when you pull out a wad of money to pay for your purchases. 

I have counted money for a long time as manager of businesses that took in a lot of money and can count out thousands of dollars for a deposit in a minute. I have discovered that 99.9% of todays cashiers can't. I have witnessed a lot of interesting money counting techniques over the past couple of years. Some act like they don't even know what they are holding in their hands.

One woman must have taken 10 minutes just to count out 50 ones. I had already counted them out with her watching in less than a minute,  but she was going to reverify. I was the only one in line. then there were 2 people in line. Then there was a line to the middle of the store.

By the time she got through, they were all in a pretty festive mood, as was I. As I walked away, she made a gesture and comment that it was my fault that they had  had to wait such a long time. I bit my tongue, but never went through a line where she was cashiering.

I go to this store, a lot, and am known and one day her line was empty and I was in a long line. She beckoned me over and I refused. She questioned me and I reminded her that she didn't like cash payment and the long lines it created. However, the line would not have grown if she had known how to count money in the first place.

And then, after 3 years, I pulled up my accounts and I was ...debt free.  I had succeeded in paying off those cards. Then came the surprise. Two people can live 'ok' on a little money.

I made myself sick, when out of curiosity, I added up just how much money, I would have if I hadn't been blindly handing it over each month to creditors.

I helped my nephew stop smoking. He wasn't working and was at my door with head down and hands out. I refused to support his cigarette habit. I sacrificed five ones to make my point to him. All you're doing is burning money. When he wanted a cigarette, I would roll up a dollar and light it. He got the point. Don't ask Uncle ronnie for money for cigarettes.

[bear60]

I helped my nephew stop smoking. He wasn't working and was at my door with head down and hands out. I refused to support his cigarette habit. I sacrificed five ones to make my point to him. All you're doing is burning money. When he wanted a cigarette, I would roll up a dollar and light it. He got the point. Don't ask Uncle ronnie for money for cigarettes.
..................................................
Thats the MOST fierce way to help someone stop smoking.

[denb45]

I started making more than the minimum payment by 10 dollars. Then making double payments. When a card was paid off, called and cancelled it.

Ronnie..........did you know when you cancelled all of the cards when you paid them off, it lowered your credit score? credit card compannies don't like that very much ,and,it will effect your credit score, they don't like it when they can't make any interest off of you ....if you aren't really worried about such things, and , if your like me ( I pay cash for just about everything) than it really doesn't matter much what the CC Compannies think? I still have all my CC's , but, I just CANNOT make myself use them anymore..................

     IT'S A TRAP, and very easy to fall into it, I'm sure that many of us have been there and done this before, but, it's sure nice to pay cash for just about anything you want ( my Ford Truck  blew it's auto transmission) 6 months ago, and it cost me 3,500 to get it repaired, so I paid in cash, and the people at the FORD place looked at me like I WAS CARZY, when they had to count it out in 10's and 20's, it was too funny, I laughed at them all the way home, it made me FEEL GOOD to do that to them, and not have to put it on a Credit Card, I mean, they already got me for the 3K, so, I figured what the HELL  my otherhalf Bob said that it was kinda RUDE to do that, but he got a chuckle out of it too, He HATES FORD DEALERSHIPS!! he use to work for one 

[Winiroo]

The only credit card I have is for work and I dont pay that bill. The boss does.
If I need to buy something for me its either cash or debit card.

[denb45]

The only credit card I have is for work and I dont pay that bill. The boss does.
If I need to buy something for me its either cash or debit card.

Yep, cash or debit card for me as well  you go girl  good for you

[rondrond]

Ronnie..........did you know when you cancelled all of the cards when you paid them off, it lowered your credit score? credit card compannies don't like that very much ,and,it will effect your credit score, they don't like it when they can't make any interest off of you ....if you aren't really worried about such things, and , if your like me ( I pay cash for just about everything) than it really doesn't matter much what the CC Compannies think? I still have all my CC's , but, I just CANNOT make myself use them anymore..................

     IT'S A TRAP, and very easy to fall into it, I'm sure that many of us have been there and done this before, but, it's sure nice to pay cash for just about anything you want ( my Ford Truck  blew it's auto transmission) 6 months ago, and it cost me 3,500 to get it repaired, so I paid in cash, and the people at the FORD place looked at me like I WAS CARZY, when they had to count it out in 10's and 20's, it was too funny, I laughed at them all the way home, it made me FEEL GOOD to do that to them, and not have to put it on a Credit Card, I mean, they already got me for the 3K, so, I figured what the HELL  my otherhalf Bob said that it was kinda RUDE to do that, but he got a chuckle out of it too, He HATES FORD DEALERSHIPS!! he use to work for one 

Yeah, the Credit Score goes down, but it's only temporary. In December my Credit Score was at 810. I canceled two cards and it went down to 797, for one month. Then it rose again to 802, where it has remained since. It is also based on the payment history of what you have, regardless of what you've canceled. I pay, in full, and early.

I've only kept the cards that have NO ANNUAL FEE. I also have several that have no credit limit...

These will come into play when I decide to travel again, as usually credit cards are required for airline reservations, hotel reservations and car rentals

For now, it's cash and debit. I love not owing anybody. I have paid on credit cards since I was 19. My first credit card was from Sears. Then Montgomery Ward. For some reason, when you became a college student, you got put on some list, and offers came pouring in the mail.

I remember when Visa/Mastercard offers started coming.....so did I.    I maxed those babies out in New Orleans, Pensacola, Atlanta, Hattiesburg, ..I was constantly cruising, and my bags were never unpacked.

For years, I was paying for good times I didn't remember. All I remember is working my ass off to make those payments.

I also remember being a victim of Identity Theft. I had gone crazy on drugs and was in a drug house, acting crazier than the other druggies. This is where I also believe I was infected with HIV.  My family. actually Katie, (when she could still walk and had a life)  finally rescued me from the drug house. I was sent to a Drug Rehab Program in Wichita Falls called S.A.R.P (Substance Abuse Rehabilitation Program.) This was a concerted effort by Katie and Mom.

and here we go down memory lane...

I am in the Halfway House. I have not been a very good 'druggie'. I have already flunked the 4 week program and had been loaded on the Greyhound bus using the second half of my round trip ticket.

I was moody and depressed. I would just sit in a chair and mope. Staff would slide into view with smiling faces trying to motivate me. They are considered counselors, yet after several meetings I have determined they are idiots.

They have never done drugs and their only exposure to drugs are from the addicts in this house they have come to work in. They ask questions and when you answer they only stare in horror not understanding how anyone could ever get trapped on a 'dark, foggy road in a land of 'perpetual night' and had apparently taken that fork in the road willingly.

I had been foolish. I had not listened to the voices of common sense that had been gently implanted in my being through songs, stories, and the  lectures of those who loved, protected, and guided me, Mother and Mom.

 I had lost everything and did not know if I could start over again, now that I was a marked man. The scar on my arm had left a shape... if looked at from one angle it was the shape of a wolfs head, and from another angle the shape of a gun.  It was also slightly purple and the hair would never grow there again.

The doctor was glad that it had healed over at all stating that a wound that large usually has trouble closing. The counselors would state that I would have no problem as the only way anyone would know that it had been caused by drugs was if I told them. They had seen chemical burns before and technically it was a chemical burn from the drano. The drano.

I was still in shock that someone or ones had actually tried to kill me. I was supposed to be dead. Again the counselors were concerned that I was not exhibiting any angry emotion about this. They considered me a sleeping volcano waiting to erupt. The only emotion to it was that I now considered myself disfigured, which they again were quick to assure me was a misconception on my part as they considered me to be quite attractive. *I did not see what they saw when I looked in the mirror.*

 I had suffered from 'sheer dumb luck'...or I was 'blessed'...as my body showed no signs of the abuse I had put it through, except for the scar..."wear a long sleeve shirt", was advice, given by some.

One day, the phone in the kitchen rang and someone shouted out my name that I had a call. Curious, I answered..".hello?"...."ronnie?".."yes"....
"this is District Attorney (blah)...and I need to see you ASAP".

He would not tell what it was in regard to and I got his address and advised the House Parent I had an appointment, so they wouldn't think I had run off and give my bed away as there was a waiting list to get in the place...(there are apparently a lot of drug addicts)...

I was extremely nervous and called Mom and she said what she always says but I needed to hear it....just do it and before you know it, it's over. I kept trying to think of what I could have done to warrant his call and could think of nothing...they already knew I had done drugs....I had not actually sold them, just used them...

I do have hazy days, maybe weeks and I shuddered to think if I had done violence of any kind acting in a blackout.....upon entering his office and identifying myself, he pulled out a large, bulging , manila envelope with my name on it and emptied its contents on his desk. "Are these yours?"...

I focused and noticed that they were checks and they were from an account when I lived in Dallas that had been closed. There were also credit card receipts. "Yes, they are mine, but, not mine, I did not write these checks or make those purchases".

 Suddenly, the tension in the air lessened and he smiled and said that he already knew that. He slid some photos across the desk and asked if I recognized them. "Yes, that's Paul, Terry, Blake."..they had stolen my checks and credit cards during one of my four day sleeps and made fake Id's and there were now four ronnies in the DFW Metroplex.

Three of them were running amuck and writing checks and charging goods like a Nuclear Holocaust was scheduled....and I was dizzy and did not understand...".how can someone write a check on a closed account?"

...well, its takes a day for a check to clear, a day for the bank to process, a day for them to determine if the funds are available, a day to contact said store that it had bounced.....in the meantime they had gone to another store and blah, blah, blah..

Fortunately, he had already known that I was not involved as I had been in Wichita Falls under close supervision in a drug rehab program when the crimes were perpetrated, and they had undercover agents working the stores (who did not ID me) and there were the surveillance cameras....

.once again I was a victim of 'sheer dumb luck ..or being blessed...He had me sign an affidavit of forgery, gave me a copy to use for the creditors and I was free.

 I returned to the Halfway House and called Mom. After explaining what had transpired she did not seem surprised and acted like she had known it would go that way all along...(had she been using the church again?).....

[denb45]

and here we go down memory lane...

Good lord MAN  you sound like you've been thur it,  just when you think you can trust someone as a friend(s), later you find out that they somehow screwed you outta something, but, you don't find that out until yrs later (I think you know what I'm talking) as for the Identity Theft, that happened to me before, ( it was done by one of my old lovers that is now passed away), he stole checks, credit cards and some of my GUNS, the Firearms were used in the commission a crime (a Felony), but being a Peace officer, it wasn't hard to find out just who was behind all of this.

       It was so bad, (the Stolen Credit cards, that were used) some of them were given to other people and used by them, back then, and even tho a lotta of it was FRAUD, it was very hard to prove, so, I had no choice but to file Bankruptcy Chapter 7 under the advice of my Attorney (he told me that it was the only way outta this mess) and 20 yrs ago you had no choice, like you have today with dealing with Identity Theft, so, for 10 yrs. I had no credit at all............Ronnie, if you know that you didn't do any of this, then you had nothing to worry about in the 1st place, that's why things worked out for the better ............Ronnie, I commend you for pulling yourself outta the dark depths of drug addiction, if you hadn't, you wouldn't be here today............GOOD FOR YOU!

[bear60]

Jeezus....memory lane aint what it used to be... is it.  Full of pot holes and trash. Ah well.  The older we get the more memory lane fills up with all this stuff.
Thats ok Ron we still like you memory lane and all!

[denb45]

Jeezus....memory lane aint what it used to be... is it.  Full of pot holes and trash. Ah well.  The older we get the more memory lane fills up with all this stuff.
Thats ok Ron we still like you memory lane and all!

Yes, and a trip down memory lane, can be very painful for some of us, who wishes to recall and share any of it 

[rondrond]

It had been one year. July 4, 2007. On this day last year I was admitted to the hospital with a DVT in my right leg. The blood clot was from ankle to hip and was breaking up, shooting through my heart and filling both lungs.

It has been one year that I have survived another death experience. ..

Once again, Mom and Katie were there for me. I don't know what I would do if not for my family. I have read others who are afraid or not wanting to disclose to their family for fear of rejection. I too, was afraid of rejection, but being a victim of sheer dumb luck...or possibly being blessed..have had some of my BEST thinking thrown back in my face by my family giving me nothing but love, help and support:

They may not like some of my life decisions, or some of the paths to enlightenment that I have taken, but, they have let me learn from my mistakes. This is probably why they are there for me, because I did learn..."well, that was interesting....now I've done that, don't need to ever do it again"..


So, I have had several 'close calls' with death, and have had a few conversations with DEATH ....but through sheer dumb luck....or possibly being blessed:

  I know...I know..touchy subject..sometimes volatile....but ...After my father was killed, when I was four years old, and the court was deciding on settlement and Mom was doing whatever needed to be done for us to survive...I have vague memories of what would probably be considered daycare centers today..

...first memory is Father Joseph and the Nuns. We would be in a classroom and learning/memorizing prayers and the Rosary (my Mom collects Rosaries up to today)...and taking cathecism...and though I don't remember it I was an altar boy...I know because there is a large picture in a photo album and there I am in a black robe with white and my hands held together in prayer and another pic with a group of children and Katie and I are in the lineup and we're holding little white bibles...

.I also remember the church would have 'fairs' and there was a machine that would blow colored ping pong balls up and then you did something and a ball would drop and depending on the color depended what you won and I won a stuffed black lamb once and I took it EVERYWHERE with me including class and when it was time for recess I would make it comfy on my desk and give it a kiss and  the teacher would be the only witness to this and shake her head for the 'poor boy who had lost his daddy'....

.I also remember that when you were called on to recite your Hail Mary's and you got it wrong you would get a smart smack on the palm of your hand with a ruler..apparently the 'poor boy who had lost his father' gig did not work on messed up Hail Mary's.....don't mess with the Nuns....

and then we stopped going to church as Mom was angry with God..and everyone was shocked but she said it was alright because he gets mad at us too....and then Mom was ostracized from the catholic church because she married Bill,  who was a divorced man..and apparently God did not approve of do overs...

and we all had baptism certificates...which meant you were not only baptized but we were given a name of a saint and I was amazed at how many saints there are in this world and I was baptized after Saint Ronald (who I'd never heard of) and Katie(Kathrine) was baptized after Saint Catherine(who I'd never heard of) and Terry after Saint Theresa(which sounded saintly)  and Mom was baptized after Saint Helen (so I knew that there must not be a Saint Gail) ...

and though Mom was ostracized she would still call upon god in times of trouble and get an answer, such as the time I was in the hospital with my DVT/PE and had been there for 2 days and still in no room so had no phone(except my cell phone which I squirreled away in my pocket for emergencies and turned off to conserve the battery..

well Mom couldn't get any satisfactory answers from STAFF of any kind on my condition and she would not leave the hospital until she had at least SEEN me to bring peace to her mind and everyone kept saying no visitors,

so she went to the Hospital Chaplain and I don't know what she said to him but I'm laying in my bed, of a lot of beds, as we were lined up against walls with pieces of paper taped to walls as 'Wall A' and 'Wall B'.. etc ..and I was on 'Wall S' and I am flat on my back with my leg swollen to three times it size and was just in HELL not knowing what was wrong with me or if I was actually dying..

  and trying to be as quiet as possible not wanting to draw any demons attention in this hellhole..

and then this man is leaning over me and I see the cross and he's asking if I'm ronnie and I say yes and he moves aside... and there is Mom ...and we cry and hug and I feel loved...and the demon nurse is having fits and saying "no visitors allowed in here" and the Chaplain pulls her aside and makes her leave us alone...so

...the church may have lost Mom but she still knows how to use the church....

 and I got in this drug  predicament when I became a bartender and  met Terry, who seemed to have a never ending supply of meth....and he needed a place to live, so I invited him to live with me...

Things were getting out of control at the bar..Terry continued doing a brisk drug business out of my apartment while I was at work and I supplied him with a steady stream of customers..".Terry in?" .."yes"..."thanks"...and off they would go..

living next door to a bar was the perfect setup for a drug dealer and Terry was happy...I started to drink heavily and soon I would wake up in my bed with my clothes half off and not remembering how I had got there and my pockets would be empty...

this started to become a pattern and then Buddy and Billy Ray pulled me aside one day and said...ronnie...its gotta stop...you are a nice guy..and we like you ..but you have fallen in with some bad people who are using you and its gotta stop....I just gave them a blank stare not knowing what they were talking about , but thanking them for their concern..

well when it didn't stop they took action as a thriving drug house not only attracts drug addicts, it also attracts the police, so Buddy and Billy Ray handed me my walking papers *for my own good* and I found myself jobless and fixing to be homeless and Terry had found another place to live, with Paul...

and Paul took 'mercy' on me and invited me to live with him too..until I got back on my feet....but who goes looking for lost feet when you're living in a drug house?

...so instead of looking for work, I became a part of the drug house.. I would clean (because on speed I was 'the white tornado' and greet people at the door and basically directed the flow from the front door down the hall to Paul's bedroom (where business transactions took place) and then out the door again. (let's keep it moving here....)

On Fiday nights the front yard would look like a parking lot..and I would stay awake for 7 days and then when my body couldn't take anymore I would pass out and sleep for 4 days...and then do it all again.

Now, as you can imagine all this activity in a residential neighborhood drew attention..and the it drew the wrong attention...The DEA(Drug Enforcement Agency) started to watch the house and Paul and Terry started to expand their drug clientele base from weekend users to big time wannabe drug lords and things started to really get scary..

nd one day I looked out the window and my car was gone and when I asked about it was told that one of the dealers needed a car to get some drugs and I had been asleep and they gave her my keys and she would be back in a minute...

and two days passed with me asking about my car...and then three and I got snippity and gave THE ULTIMATUM that if my car was not in the driveway by tomorrow that I was going to call the police...

and they laughed because I was in a drug house and I was using drugs and I would just be arrested for being stupid...well the next day my car was not there and I called the police...and they knocked on the door..and the house cleared itself , instantly..addicts were flying out back doors and windows...and I opened the door and gave them my info and they kept asking if I wanted to go downtown to give a proper report and I said "no" and they left..

.now the DEA knew Granny Massey and had contacted her about my situation as they knew I was Katie's brother and Bobby was Granny Massey's only grandson and owning a motel and night club..Masseys Club 21...everyone knew Bobby and Katie and everywhere they went and who they saw and what they ate..it's not easy living somewhere where everyone knows you..

and I was still in the drug house and it was real quiet and no one was there except for a few people who told me that my shot was ready and waiting in the 'room of business transactions' and I took the shot...

... and my arm started to burn and turn red and a huge lump stated to travel up my arm and I grabbed my arm at the elbow and squeezed real hard like a tourniquet and went to the bathroom and the top of my arm split open and blood and gunk came gushing out all over the sink and I took a towel and wrapped it up and came out of the bathroom and went into the living room and everyone was staring at me with eyes wide open and I just said...that shot didn't work. I need another one..

..and they ran...and I did not feel well, and Katie called wanting me to leave the house and I said I couldn't go without my stuff.. and Katie said that I needed to get out as the Texas Rangers were going to bust the house, and I did not understand...and she said that they really did not want me because they believed that I was just a good person who had fallen in with bad people and was being used and when the police had come to the house earlier I should have left with them and then Mom wouldn't be in such a state as she was in now...

... and I agreed to leave and she said they were on the way and to be ready because the State Troopers were on the way too, and apparently when the State Troopers raid a drug house, they don't just take whatever drugs and people are in the house, they take everything, the drugs, people, furniture, cars, the house, the pets, the money and your soul....

...so I start packing and making a pile in the front yard and everyone is watching me with some amusement, playing with their guns and slapping their knives against their palms, and dang, Paul and Terry had really gotten in over their heads..

.and I continued to place boxes in this pile in the yard...."what are you doing?"...."packing"..."why?"..."I'm leaving..my family is coming to get me.".."really?".....

...and then a horn is honking, and honking and these guys line up on the front porch and Bobby and Katie and the boys are in the the '69 red Cadillac Coupe de Ville that Papa Massey had special ordered with a 500 engine that was built for an El Dorado, but when you put the pedal to the medal the front would lift up and it would go wawwwwww and take off like grease lightning (this is why Bobby chose that car to come and get me)...

.... and he jumped the curb and came right up the yard and slid to a stop right at the front porch and said ...get in...and Katie screamed..get in...and the boys were in the bakd seat and got caught up in the excitement and  screamed...GET IN..and I said..but my stuff..

and Bobby popped the trunk and we shoveled it in and he practically threw me in the car and put the pedal to the medal and the guys on the porch were looking strange because as we pulled out the Texas Rangers pulled in...

and Katie was crying because she had heard that they were going to kill me to teach me a lesson for calling the police to the house, which come to find out they had put drano in my shot and when that didn't work those guys on the porch, who turned out to be really hardened criminals were going to do me in..and wailed and wailed...

...and I think I felt loved but did not know because I still had drugs in my system...

and they took me to the family motel...'The Rockwood Motel' because no one wanted me in their homes in my condition..and were afraid of me so they put me in room 15 (which Mom had paid for up front as Papa Sitton (Katie's father in law) was a greedy individual. and I would be taking away income)...which was on the very end and told the porters and the 'whores' to stay away from room 15...

.. and I began the process of drying out...and every now and then there would be a knock at the door and it would be Bobby and he would shove a plate of food at me and run..(if you remember earlier he and Katie had a drug problem too, but at this time were in control and not using thus their fear of me..(someone who was using)

Katie would cook for an army and make plates for family and the waitresses at the club and the porters at the motel...and now for room 15...and I would pace the room and sleep and eat and look out the bathroom window at the 'Rockwood Golf Course' across the street...

...and I called Blake, as I had left with an 8 ball and wanted to end this with a bang, so he came over and the whores were all out in courtyard and knocking on the door as Blake an I were two good looking men.and we got pretty wild doing all that dope..and Papa  was yelling at them that they were not to bother Room 15 as 'he was family'...and 'sick'...he didn't know that I had 'company' and was terrified of me thinking that I had gone truly insane....

 and next to it was a field where the neighbors grazed their horses and I would see orange people lounging in the oak trees that lined the street and they would look at me and wave and I was afraid....

[rondrond]

Well, might as well finish this memory...

There I was in Room 15. I faced my demons alone. My only visitor was Bobby who brought me plates of food regular as clockwork. The orange people had gone away leaving the oak tree as they had found it....

Every now and then there would be 'activity' in the courtyard of the Motel but mostly it was quiet and I was left to my thoughts as there was no radio and no TV. Then after about a week, Bobby came with the plate of food but did not run off.

He hung in the doorway and said that I needed to set my mind around what was going to happen now. First I was going to have to go to the hospital to have my arm looked at. It was still wrapped in the towel and it was filthy. I was afraid to look at it, afraid of what I would see. It did not hurt but did have a dull ache.

 I had actually put on some weight as the plates Katie had made were piled high. (Mom had been furnishing them money to buy my food) Then I was going to have to go to Rehabilitation, but to get there I had to be drug free and show a willingness to stay that way.

So for now, we were waiting to make sure the drugs were out of my system as they would require me to pee for them before any type of help would be available. Mom had already made me an appointment as she had faith that I was going to pass the pee test.*she had probably called on God again* Mom guesstimated what my size would be and bought me a shirt, pants, underwear, socks and a pair of sneakers. Then soap, shampoo, and a razor. I was feeling better now with clean clothes and being shaven. In the shower I finally saw my arm and then blocked its image from my mind.

 Bobby took me to the hospital. Good 'ol JPS(County Hospital) and I was admitted. My arm had a large black leather patch (kinda like a dogs foot pad) and the Dr.s explained that it had to come off in order to heal. A nurse would come in and scrub it with a wire brush thingy and I just gritted my teeth and bore any pain I felt. Then it would be submerged in a whirlpool bath. (it did not really hurt as the drano had melted all the nerve endings and by my grabbing at the elbow and forcing it to come out I had prevented it from going to my heart)(Mom must have been in chapel with her arms crossed and tapping her foot and giving the 'stare' at the cross, for me to have survived this one)

 I felt so unworthy and was grateful they didn't just have me lie on the floor and walk on me. I was a numb puppet doing what I was told without question. Finally it had healed enough where I could advance another step to my Rehabilitation..

[bear60]

That dont sound too good. I am just glad you are here to tell about it.
What happened next.

[rondrond]

When I left the Halfway House. I moved in with Katie and Bobby. I went to work at the Fort Worth State School. Vicky was my boss. I was applying to work with juvenile offenders. In my interview, she asked me "what did I have to offer for these boys? I gave her my story of being gay, and a drug addict. She hired me on the spot with no personal references. I didn't have any,  as all my 'friends' were still practicing drug addicts and I couldn't associate with them any more.

After 3 months I bought a car as my stolen car from the drug house, a Pontiac, Grand Prix, was found abandoned and stripped. I then found an apartment and moved out on my own. The following years were such a nightmare, that I can only deal with them in the following fragmented details:

Ok. It's time for UGLY. I have avoided UGLY as it is in one of several rooms down a forgotten hall whose doors I have bolted, and nailed shut to protect my sanity and life as I now know it. I don't pretend that shutting up this room has prevented me from being affected by its contents, but sometimes *out of sight, out of mind* are necessary. This particular room has to do with my sister Katie, her children, Granny S, and Katie's husband Bobby.

I was happy. I was blessed, I was ignorant and naive. Said ignorance and naivity were the foundations of my happiness. I remember times visiting Katie and she would be in bed. Then it was every time I visited she would be in bed. This went on for a period of several years. I was mildly concerned but continued on being happy.

Then one day I got a call. It was Katie. She needed me. She was hurt and needed to go to the hospital. She said that she had fallen down and hurt herself. She couldn't walk. The doctors blamed her weight. She had blossomed, to my surprise to a whopping 400lbs. Katie?! She confessed that she had been practically bedridden for the past couple years because her back hurt.

She had gone shopping one rainy day with the twins who were at that time @5-6 and had picked both up so they would not track mud into her freshly cleaned house. She felt her back snap at that time but ignored it and it only got worse. Bobby, her husband , did not believe her at first, as the doctors, who blamed her weight and would only say...lose weight.

 Bobby was an only child, came from parents who were only children and demanded a lot of Katie's attention. Robert, the oldest boy was supposed to be the only child in Bobby's world and the twins were an accident. Robert looked just like his daddy, but the twins took after our side of the family so much so that everyone would comment that Daniel and I could have been twins. (This did not help their case in vying for their fathers attention). Bobby poured all of his knowledge, experiences, time and love on Robert, basically ignoring the twins.

Ugly #1. Bobby was an alcoholic. Every night he would drink himself into a stupor with a pint o Weller...always saying..Weller makes me weller...and chain smoked a carton of marlboro cigarettes (with the filters pulled off).... every night.  Katie's wifely duties were to 1) have the house clean, 2) make sure the boys were fed, bathed and all homework done and in bed by the time he got home #3) Sit up with Bobby as he watched TV and drank 4) help him to the table and make sure he ate 5) put him to bed 6) do it all over again the next day.

As Katie' back pain increased the less she could do to support Bobby's world and the angrier he became. To Function and keep the peace, Katie discovered that she could take a drug (speed) which dulled the pain in her back enough that she could once again function in Bobby's world. This made Bobby happy.

Then he started taking downers along with his Weller and cigs. They became addicts. All money started going to drugs. Bobby started hitting up his mother for money. Family started becoming suspicious. He always would give reason for needing money on Katie.His mother came to hate Katie for their not having any money.His mother would hear nor believe anything bad said about her son.

I enter the picture. Because of my experience in drugging and rehabilitation, I coordinate an intervention between his mother and my Mom to send respective children to Drug Rehabilitation. By this time Granny S developed alzheimers and came to live with Bobby and Katie. I volunteered to watch their household till they came back ...cured. For a month I became a caretaker for a woman who was not my kin *she was Bobby's gmom* and my 3 nephews.

They return and life returns to normal for a month until I received the aforementioned call for help. Apparently Bobby quit his downers, but not his Weller and his cigs. He still demanded she perform her wifely duties. Her back had not been fixed and was getting worse. She started taking speed again to shut him up.

 He found out and in a drunken justified outrage beat her with a baseball bat. all these facts were unknown to ronnie only coming to light at a later time. For now Katie needed help. Doctors stated that her wrist, knees,, and back...were....broken. ..no insurance...large woman...surgery dangerous if performed on large woman...drugs involved?....no help if drugs involved..meantime Katie is delirious... in pain...Bobby is sober and humble...claims he hates himself for what he has done....he loves Katie...

he stops working, continues drinking and smoking...goes back to downers....Granny S gets worse....the twins are constantly under my armpits..afraid of daddy..Katie delirious...gives more ugly facts...boys need her...she is their protector...has found them tied up with wire touching a battery terminal to them...he was giving them little shock treatments...she MUST get home....worried for her boys...

I am dizzy...I am confused...I am ANGRY...I cross over..I am functioning in a dream....I look in a mirror and dont' recognize myself...I remove the twins from the house and take them home with me...Bobby's mother having a fit...Robert will not leave his daddy..Robert loves his daddy...Robert worships his daddy and will not hear anything bad about his daddy....

FINALLY...Dr. Ranelle...our savior...actually listens to me...wants to help Katie...Katie will not testify or say anything bad about Bobby...she loves him..he is not himself...he is really a good man who has lost his way...I disclose ALL to Dr Ranelle.....suddenly windows open...fresh air blows in.. the sun shines in...he schedules her for surgery...

Mom and Terry (my little sister) have no idea of what has been going on..Katie moaning..promise ..don't tell mom...she won't be able to take it... ronnie doesn't tell mom...Dr Ranelle has us all in surgery room explaining all the dangers involved to Katie, he likes Katie, he wants to help ..the only one who listened and then Bobby enters the room...hate Bobby...remain calm..

Ranelle explaining that Kathrine has a  lot going on in her body ,,then he drops the bomb I could not...of course,,he said..being beaten with a bat did not help...Bobby just stands there...mom and Terry look at me, I am hurrying them out to the hallway..much tears,.,,confusion...anger...nonono...Katie needs us right now...she thinks she needs Bobby...not now...

..surgery over...Katie in nursing home...Granny S dies in her sleep...funeral...strangers....his mother supporting in any way BUT will not believe anything bad about her son...and then...she calls...Bobby has had a heart attack and is trying to leave the hospital because he wants a cigarette....his mother wants me to talk to him..to help him...him...who i hate...i want him dead...

i go to hospital..he is already pulling tubes off..he is dismissing himself from hospital for a cigarette...I talk to him..I ask does he know where he is?  yes...does he know why he is there?...yes...does he know that he is on oxygen? yes...does he know that if he leaves hospital they won't let him back in? yes...does he know he could die?..yes...do you still want a cigarette?..yes and he continues to pull tubing loose....I help...

I pull off the filter of a Marlboro and give it to him...i give him ride home...he wants triple cheeseburger from jack in the box...does he know this is not good for him? yes..he still wants..I buy him a triple cheeseburger with large fries and extra salt....he has another heart attack that night and dies in bed...Daniel is the one who finds him...ambulance...boys hiding in closet...another funeral....I slam door shut and bolt and nail shut.....

[bear60]

Wow. There are no words.  So....good for you Ron.

[Jeff G]

wow that's quite a story , it takes a strong man to come out the other side of these things . good for you Ronnie

[denb45]

i go to hospital..he is already pulling tubes off..he is dismissing himself from hospital for a cigarette...I talk to him..I ask does he know where he is?  yes...does he know why he is there?...yes...does he know that he is on oxygen? yes...does he know that if he leaves hospital they won't let him back in? yes...does he know he could die?..yes...do you still want a cigarette?..yes and he continues to pull tubing loose....I help...

I pull off the filter of a Marlboro and give it to him...i give him ride home...he wants triple cheeseburger from jack in the box...does he know this is not good for him? yes..he still wants..I buy him a triple cheeseburger with large fries and extra salt....he has another heart attack that night and dies in bed...Daniel is the one who finds him...ambulance...boys hiding in closet...another funeral....I slam door shut and bolt and nail shut.....

Ronnie............you know you had NOTHING to do with your brother-in-laws demise, he would have KILLED himself without anyones help, just be GREATFUL he didn't take any of his family members with him to his GRAVE  if you somehow blame yourself for any of this,  DON'T.....it's not your fault Hon  somethings have a VERY STRANGE WAY of working themselves out ( if you know what I mean) 

[rondrond]

wow that's quite a story , it takes a strong man to come out the other side of these things . good for you Ronnie

thanks...I sometimes wonder if the man who came out the other side ..was me. Katie was in the nursing home. I was taking care of the twins. Robert wouldn't leave his 'Daddy's house'...nobody else wanted to live there. I got injured at work.

While in the work shop, one of the boys with autism, decided he wanted one of the girls, in a non approved, you're in a public situation way. She was running and he was chasing. I stepped in between and we went back against a work table. Back being on my back into a table corner. 

After the injury, I was at Dr B because I couldn't sleep. I felt like the princess and the pea...then it grew to a bowling ball. I barely could stand or walk for the pain in my back. I remember that moment when, after the MRI, I was sitting there waiting for a RX for pain so I could get back to work, and Dr B stating, you're not going anywhere but home, and bed, and stay there.

I was not prepared for not going back to work. I was on worker's comp so I had money coming in. Then I went to be tested. on my birthday, March 1st, I received my diagnosis of HIV. Mom was with the boys at home, and they had picked up Katie at the nursing home to give me a 'surprise party'

I called Mom from a phone booth, and gave her the news. Then sat in the Botanical Gardens for awhile and then picked myself up and went to my party. Mom had a surprise of buying this house.  This was the only house she could find in the area, that was in the Castleberry School District as the boys wanted to graduate with their friends.

after three years, workers comp was over. So was my job as the Fort Worth State School was closed down. I went to TRS(Texas Rehabilitation Services) and they paid for my college degree. Then I got my job at an endeavor of American Airlines, a call center outside of the airport. Since they owned it, we were considered AA employees and had all the benefits. After the boys graduated, they moved out thinking they could handle their inheritance and  Social Security benefit money better than me and Katie.

Robert continues to live in 'the house' down the road. Dewayne got married and has a daughter and we just found out she is pregnant again.
Daniel has two boys, blew all his money on partying and good times, no job, has warrants, and his life is pretty much in the tubes and won't listen, though he keeps asking for help..all he wants is money, not advice.

I 'functioned' through all those years. Every now and then, I felt something like 'ronnie' would wander through and then leave. Maybe you're supposed to change with age, and life experiences, and I am just trying to return to the past. When I started my HIV meds, they started me on AZT. I couldn't function. Three boys, Katie, doctor, appointments, surgeries, after her back surgery, she had two carpal tunnel, two total knee replacement...with me thinking the whole time...this is it. After this, she is going to be whole and well, and be a new person and we will go back to our lives.

The AZT had to go. every bone in my body turned to ice and I kept throwing up. Tried Norvir. I couldn't get past the smell. They kept pressuring me, you're going to DIE, I started Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit. At least, I wasn't throwing up. I gained weight. Too much weight. in my opinion.

9/11...got laid off. Lost insurance, so stopped taking meds. I still had bottles in the top of my closet. I made the decision upon returning from Marty's funeral. This was after a succession of funerals...Doug, Anthony, Ray, Tom, everyone I knew was dying and leaving me behind. I was lonely, and it was a void my family could not fill.

Even today, if I stop long enough to look in the mirror, I catch myself thinking...who are you? and where is ronnie?

[rondrond]

Ronnie............you know you had NOTHING to do with your brother-in-laws demise, he would have KILLED himself without anyones help, just be GREATFUL he didn't take any of his family members with him to his GRAVE  if you somehow blame yourself for any of this,  DON'T.....it's not your fault Hon  somethings have a VERY STRANGE WAY of working themselves out ( if you know what I mean) 

I don't blame myself. He was already pulling the tubes and was surrounded my hospital staff warning him that if he left, he would not be able to come back. His mother was beside herself. For some reason, he had convinced her that he respected me enough to listen to my advice over hers. The fact that she called a Homosexual to help her only child shows how persuasive he could be.

I think he was ready to die for what he had done to my sister. I don't think he even remembers what he did to his own sons. I just know that I wasn't going to let him drag me into his own private hell.

He's gone, but he left his legacy. His Mother had him cremated. Put his urn on the mantle next to his Dad. After she died, all three urns were put in the same plot so all three are together.

Daniel is the only one who seems to still have unresolved  issues. Anger issues. I couldn't get him to go to the funeral. I wish he had. I know that he wanted to beat the shit out of him for what he did to him and his mom. Still trying  to get him to go some kind of therapy. I took all three to therapy when they came to live with me.

That was a waste of money. Therapy is only good, if your willing to listen.

[denb45]

Well at least you still have your family for support, my family (in Calif) are all DEAD, except for my Twin Sister, she's married and 2 grown kids........I have a LOVE HATE relationship w/ my sister, she is fine w/ me being HIV+ and GAY MALE, but sometimes shes NOT ok w/ any of it, so, I dunno
she kept me away form her kids most of thier life, they know me as Uncle, but that is really all they know, they are just like her, so, you know how that go's................the one thing that really bothers me, is THIS, if something BAD should happen to me, other than BOB my otherhalf is really all the family I have, and if something happens to him.........well ,let's just say, I would pretty much be on my own, and alone again, I've been there before ( having 3 life partners DIE of AIDS, so, at least I know what to do......but, I FEAR being alone, and that's really not a very good place for me, it's not so much fun having NO family members to look to, I wish I did, but I don't have that luxury like most people do 

[rondrond]

Well at least you still have your family for support, my family (in Calif) are all DEAD, except for my Twin Sister, she's married and 2 grown kids........I have a LOVE HATE relationship w/ my sister, she is fine w/ me being HIV+ and GAY MALE, but sometimes shes NOT ok w/ any of it, so, I dunno
she kept me away form her kids most of thier life, they know me as Uncle, but that is really all they know, they are just like her, so, you know how that go's................the one thing that really bothers me, is THIS, if something BAD should happen to me, other than BOB my otherhalf is really all the family I have, and if something happens to him.........well ,let's just say, I would pretty much be on my own, and alone again, I've been there before ( having 3 life partners DIE of AIDS, so, at least I know what to do......but, I FEAR being alone, and that's really not a very good place for me, it's not so much fun having NO family members to look to, I wish I did, but I don't have that luxury like most people do 

...my little sister and I have had problems. She gets up on her soap box now and then, spouting Jesus and the Bible. Then something happens in her life, and the soap box disappears.

She will get on Katie about her weight, then she blossoms herself. * ya know, take your own advice sometime?*

She loves to give lectures on how you should live your life..then, when got breast cancer and lost her right breast, her husband went crazy and abandoned her and their 2 kids.  The lectures stopped.

So, she has changed...and it's to the good. She has remarried. She used to blame me for making her life difficult because I've never hid anything from anybody...."oh, this is my brother, and he's a Homosexual and he has HIV"....but, hey, this guy didn't run away....so maybe they don't hold her responsible for me?   I have even developed a relationship with my nephew and niece.

When diagnosed and told I was going to die, get readygetreadygetready....and it didn't happen. I was in the mind set that I wouldn't ever be alone because I was going to die before everyone else.  Now, I'm having to rethink, ok...I might just outlive everyone else. Now what am I going to do?

I haven't found the answer to that question yet.

[denb45]

...my little sister and I have had problems. She gets up on her soap box now and then, spouting Jesus and the Bible. Then something happens in her life, and the soap box disappears.

She will get on Katie about her weight, then she blossoms herself. * ya know, take your own advice sometime?*

She loves to give lectures on how you should live your life..then, when got breast cancer and lost her right breast, her husband went crazy and abandoned her and their 2 kids.  The lectures stopped.

So, she has changed...and it's to the good. She has remarried. She used to blame me for making her life difficult because I've never hid anything from anybody...."oh, this is my brother, and he's a Homosexual and he has HIV"....but, hey, this guy didn't run away....so maybe they don't hold her responsible for me?   I have even developed a relationship with my nephew and niece.

When diagnosed and told I was going to die, get readygetreadygetready....and it didn't happen. I was in the mind set that I wouldn't ever be alone because I was going to die before everyone else.  Now, I'm having to rethink, ok...I might just outlive everyone else. Now what am I going to do?

I haven't found the answer to that question yet.

Yeah, I ask myself that alot......nobody wants you when your old, sick, and poor, I sure hope that doesn't happen to me, but it probably will being it's the cycle-of-life.........I just hope I don't DIE alone............but, as chicken-shit as my Twin sister is, I probably will..........

[rondrond]

I woke up with a rash. I've got little blisters on my legs and neck behind my ear. I've got this cream the Dr gave me that starts with a "K" I couldn't pronounce it if I had to...

There is a plan of going to get our haircuts tomorrow. I'll see how this cream is doing on my neck. It embarrasses me to have these swollen, oozing red, blisters/bumps. I just know that people are like.. ewwww. Fortunately, they dry up and scale off in about 4 days, usually. I gotta sorta like leave then alone for that to happen.

We had a minor, in house emergency. The DVD player in the living room is very old and has started skipping, which is very irritating. It started to skip within the last two weeks. Katie just put a new movie in called 'Jumper' and it went from the beginning to the middle to the end. in five minutes.

The DVD Player in Katie's bedroom is a new Toshiba that I bought her for Christmas. Since we watch more in the livingroom than the bedroom,  I exchanged them.

All of those connections. and the moving of the entertainment center.to get to the outlet....

it is always through sheer dumb luck that I get everything re-connected.

It was especially harder this go round as my eyes aren't what they used to be, and my leg did not want to bend, and not only started to swell, but throb and turned red....but I persevered, and won the day.

I started getting real nervous waiting for the mail as I still had not received my Warfarin and Viramune and it was getting low. I nearly attacked the mailbox, the mail truck hadn't even made it to the next mail box. My RX was there to my great relief. I hate it when they get a Holiday. And since there was a Holiday, it wasn't our regular mailperson and he put a piece of mail that went to Duplex B in our box...knockknockknock.

I found the cutest BDay card for Mom. It has a bunch of pirates digging on the beach for treasure. There is a knob that you turn, like a jack in the box, and it plays a piratey tune and animates the pirates to digging and showing their butt crack out the top of their britches.

The message is "Thought you might like some Pirate Booty"  Then it shows the unearthed treasure chest full of gold and jewels and one pirate is holding up a bottle of rum and asking "any lime?"  and another is gazing in,  with his butt crack all red and shiny.  and saying , very disappointed, "aaarrgghh, no sunscreen".....

It's kinda like a shadow box. Have no idea how much postage would be. Fortunately, I have all kinds of stamps from different price increases through the years and I just fill across the top. I've never had one returned for insufficient postage yet.

Oh, bugger...Katie is calling from the kitchen. There is a loose pipe under the sink that comes off now and then. Usually when running the disposal. I guess it's the vibrations. I have squirreled a piece of rubber tire from that broke off one of the lawn mowers, but it still manages to wriggle free now and then.

A list for the Plumber is growing...we're just deciding on a 'good time' to call....like a time when neither of us have any appointments so someone will be here....

 Katie never notices the water, running down her legs and feet, being paralyzed from the waist down and made quite a pond of the kitchen. Backing her chair up and hearing the water on the wheels and looking down.....then she notices. I swear, we're going to wake up in the basement one day....we just replaced the kitchen floor last year.

I keep telling her that she's worse than the boys. Three boys playing, they managed to break something every day. My life was a constant list of "HONEY DO's".....I had a brief time when I got caught up after they moved out, and then came THAT ELECTRIC WHEELCHAR. ..

[rondrond]

Horrible night. Itching spread to my inner wrist, behind my knees above my calves and down my shins. and acoss my belly. I retracted my claws and did not scratch, and kept adding the Ketaconazole cream and finally the itching stopped this morning. I have one spot on my neck that still has a bump that I mashed....couldn't help myself.

Was probably brought on my nerves.

Mom called earlier. she had to take JW to the hospital. In fact he asked to go to the hospital, which is not like him. The other shoe has not dropped, but it is swinging. JW, who has cancer, is 72, has been having extreme anemia problems this past month. They thought he was bleeding internally in his intestines and sent in an encapsulated camera that he swallowed and it took pictures as it made it's way through his intestines.

The principle of 'threes' has not happened yet. Katie swears that when something bad happens, two more event will follow. I have a foreboding. And my mind is so good at creating evil thoughts.

Being in a 'fateful' mood I have looked at Katie and "ya know, when Chera announced that she was pregnant with McKayla, Ninny (Katie's mother in law) died on the very day Chera called and made the announcement.

Now she has announced another pregnancy and JW is in the hospital, not doing well..

....just sayin.."

Katie plugged her ears.

I really don't know how I will be able to deal with my Mom being alone. ...I know she has us, but, it's not the same thing. I know we can't fill certain voids. ...

I am frightened, pure and simple. I can feel tears building up in the reservoirs. I have no baseline for this. In worrying about Mom, I find that I am worried about me. I'm so selfish....

I know that Birth and Death are both reminders of mortality. That is why funerals make people want to have sex and the birth of babies makes people cry. I like to think that babies born near a death in the family carry a part of that person's soul.

I know it isn't rational but I like to think it.

[Jeff G]

Hi Ronnie
I hope you wake up tomarrow to a better day .

[denb45]

Horrible night. Itching spread to my inner wrist, behind my knees above my calves and down my shins. and acoss my belly. I retracted my claws and did not scratch, and kept adding the Ketaconazole cream and finally the itching stopped this morning. I have one spot on my neck that still has a bump that I mashed....couldn't help myself.

You know ronnie, if your Itching gets TOO BAD, you might want to ask your Doctor for some Atarax (Hydroxyzine) or Benidrill (Diphenhydram) both stop Itching and will clean-your-clock (make you very sleepy) so, if you do get them, be careful, Antihistamines are very addictive, and if you take them everyday, they will no longer work anymore, another thing, check some of the side effects of some of your MEDS, they can be the cause of this intching as well

[rondrond]

You know ronnie, if your Itching gets TOO BAD, you might want to ask your Doctor for some Atarax (Hydroxyzine) or Benidrill (Diphenhydram) both stop Itching and will clean-your-clock (make you very sleepy) so, if you do get them, be careful, Antihistamines are very addictive, and if you take them everyday, they will no longer work anymore, another thing, check some of the side effects of some of your MEDS, they can be the cause of this intching as well

thanks Dennis,
Fortunately the itching has stopped. The ketaconazole cream has worked. Only have one irritated spot where my neck and jaw meet that I picked at and couldn't seem to leave alone.

I've always had bad allergies, but can no longer take antihistamines as they do not play well with Wafarin.
TWO things the Dr is always bugging me about...no sinus meds and no aspirin.

[rondrond]

JW is still in the hospital. He is not feeling better after the blood transfusion like he usually does. The doctors don't know what is causing the anemia.

He is in good spirits and keeps saying "go home, you don't need to be seeing me like this. He is on morphene, so fades in and out.

He sent Mom home to get some rest stating she didn't need to be there when the laxative they have given him starts to break things loose.

She agreed.

Katie ran out of chucks and diapers today. Precious Care had been late in their payments and she did not get a full order in June and they only deliver once a month, the 18th,

So Katie called and they said that June was GONE, it's now July, and that if she could pick them up today, they would let them have her order for this month early.

One problem to that is that they are in Cleburne. This is almost halfway to Waco. But, not wanting a bedtime/potty time nightmare until the 18th.....I declared....

...a ROAD TRIP and we went on an excursion. It was about a 50 minute drive one way through Joshua and then Cleburne, Country Living, fields with hay bales already rolled and waiting.

Small towns, with speed limit's close to zero so you can't just pass them by and not take in the 'sight'. Dairy Queens on every corner. (I had wondered where they went to....Fort Worth only has one that I know of...)

So, we got her supplies loaded in my truck and stopped at DQ (Dairy Queen) and had a quick snack...chili cheese dogs and root beer.....

REAL manly, chili cheese dogs, I had to pull over to the side of the road to get a good handle on eating it as things started getting out of control trying to drive and eat....root beer so good that it almost tasted like a vanilla float...

More country roads, blue skies, with white clouds with gray bottoms, and it rained, then the sun came out, then it rained again and then the sun came out bright and fierce....

Driving on those roads through those towns reminded me of when we would go visit my Grandparents on the farm:

.this is where  my mother grew up..Muleshoe...near Amarillo.....dust bowl...in the middle of nowhere..two lane dirt road with HILLS..when we went to visit I would stare out of the back window watching the dust cloud made by the car and when we started climbing a hill would start chanting..faster, faster..because when you crested the hill the car sort of went ..up..like an elevator starting up and make a tickle in your tummy..

but then they moved to Waco and Daddy made a trailer park. Mother had an obsession about TORNADOS, so Daddy built her a STORM CELLAR, with a steel door that had a cable and a cement block to help open and close the door...with a bed, stinky mattress...and jugs of water.

 Half underground and half above ground with air pipes sticking upithe top it became our playground....and then we discovered sliding down the cellar door....this blackened our bottoms and drove Mother to distractions so that we were forbidden to play on the STORM SHELTER. so Daddy built us this Chinese rickshaw and we would take turns being the horse..this was before he tarred all of the roads in the park and I fell once and skinned my knee on the gravel...still have the scar on my knee

Mother would teach me to sing songs like:   http://www.singingbabies.com/playmate.html

Playmate (Come Out and Play With Me)

Hey, hey, oh playmate,
Come out and play with me.
You'll bring your dollies three,
Climb up my apple tree.
Cry down my rain barrel,
Slide down my cellar door.
And we'll be jolly friends
Forever more.

So sorry, playmate
I cannot play with you.
My dolly's go the flu.
Boo-hoo-oo-oo-oo.
Can't cry down your rain barrel,
Or slide down your cellar door.
But we'll be jolly friends
For ever more.



Chickery Chick:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIZtvDdb4bA

She would rescue birds washed from their nests during storms and nurture them to health and release them. Then she would stand outside holding out her arms and calling budgie, budgie ,budgie (they were all named budgie) and dang if they didn't fly down and land on her arms and stay while she talked to them.

[bear60]

Ron: "When diagnosed and told I was going to die, get readygetreadygetready....and it didn't happen. I was in the mind set that I wouldn't ever be alone because I was going to die before everyone else.  Now, I'm having to rethink, ok...I might just outlive everyone else. Now what am I going to do?"
...

I am trying to get the words to come out the way I want them to....Ron.  I went thru this for a long time. I guess I am still going thru it. So:
1.  You are not alone.
2. Just cause you have HIV doesnt mean you cant grow up and assume your place in the family. You just have to do in with HIV or in spite of HIV.
3. Even if you do out live them ( your Mom and other relatives),  they are not dead yet................ so lets do the day to day thing that we all talk about so much......the future you have no control over but you can control what is happening in your mind TODAY.
4. When did you last tell your Mom you loved her and thanked her for everything she has done for you?  I hope every time you can.

My Dad died in 1999 and my Mom this past October. I did not think I would outlive them  (like you) but here I am.  It is especially difficult to take the life you have right now this minute and say to yourself: "This is my life and its not going to change or be different unless I change it" or " This is my life right now and this is all its gonna be." or " This is my life right now and I dont like it so what do I need to do to change it?"   i mean ....take your pick....I ask myself this stuff every day.
Somewhere around 50 I had this horrible realization that I had not achieved everything I wanted to achieve and probably would not ever be able to.  But I am still working on it.

Ron:  "I 'functioned' through all those years. Every now and then, I felt something like 'ronnie' would wander through and then leave. Maybe you're supposed to change with age, and life experiences, and I am just trying to return to the past. When I started my HIV meds, they started me on AZT. I couldn't function. Three boys, Katie, doctor, appointments, surgeries, after her back surgery, she had two carpal tunnel, two total knee replacement...with me thinking the whole time...this is it. After this, she is going to be whole and well, and be a new person and we will go back to our lives."

Ron Ron Ron.......honey this is more or less the center of the problem.  Who you are is what you are, who you are, right now, this minute.  You and I can remember being young and carefree and not having HIV or a lot of other stuff but we cannot go back to that person in that time...just cant be done.  You know it as well as I .  We have to work on Joel right now this minute and Ron right now this minute.
Hope this helps.

[Jeff G]

I was thinking about how to reply but I think Joel said it all nicely .

The only thing I could add is from reading your thread its obvious that you are a strong man to have survived what you already have been through , you are probably much stronger than you realize . You have so much more to give and offer ... just saying