Hoping Ill Be Ok

[KingJamesNezariah]

I've been diagnosed with the HIV virus for roughly a year now. When I first heard the news it immediately terrified me. I  sat in the dark for a couple of days, crying, wanting to blame everyone else for something I did to myself.  I do take meds regularly and even though the record's show I'm improving physically, I can feel the deterioration of my body beginning. I've always been borderline depressed, but my thoughts and feelings have only gotten worse since my diagnosis. I feel so alone. I have a partner who was diagnosed when I was. At first I thought he would be my undying support system. Unfortunately, we don't see eye to eye about how to progress. He feels healthy and confident while I'm the complete opposite. Even a year later, I still feel like I just got the news yesterday. I'm worried and I don't have anyone to talk to. Please Help

[Jeff G]

Hi KJN . Welcome to the forums . its a good sign that you are reaching out for support and help , you have recognized that you have a problem and you know things need to change .

Have you talked to your doctor or been in therapy ? .

[KingJamesNezariah]

I have spoken to a doctor who referred me to a therapy hotline. I guess I'm just wondering if its normal to feel such despair after this much time has passed.

[Jeff G]

I have spoken to a doctor who referred me to a therapy hotline. I guess I'm just wondering if its normal to feel such despair after this much time has passed.

I do believe people adjust to things in life on an individual basis but personally I feel that if you are concerned and you are still describing the way you are feeling as despair then its time to seek therapy or at least talk to your doctor again for a referral to someone to help you sort things out . 

[mecch]

I have a partner who was diagnosed when I was. At first I thought he would be my undying support system. Unfortunately, we don't see eye to eye about how to progress. He feels healthy and confident while I'm the complete opposite. Even a year later, I still feel like I just got the news yesterday. I'm worried and I don't have anyone to talk to. Please Help

The name of your thread is "Hoping I'll be OK".  But the paragraph doesn't show much hope.  You say you don't see "eye to eye" wih your partner about "how to progress."  Please, can you try to put into words, how do you think you can live well going forward?  You recognized that you have despair, and feel pessimistic.  Can you please take a moment and at least write the words, what are your thoughs - how can life be good, from here on...  "how to progress"

Just a suggestion, IMO you are depressed.  Not bordering on depression.  Deeply depressed.  I do not think that a telephone hotline is adequate attention to your mental health needs, I'm sorry your doctor hasn't pursued this better. 

Where do you live, what country?  Do you have access to therapy?  If so, time to get into that.  If not, do you have access to an Social Service agency that has structured support groups?  Please, check that out.  Also, you need to put it bluntly to the doctor treating your HIV - "my mental health needs real attention and treatment."  Even if you can't find mental health professionals, any doctor can do a little, and certainly prescribe anti-depressants, which have their value.

At the same time as finding a way to get structured support, you need people to talk to.  I will look forward to hearing more from you here, for example.  Perhaps you can explain whats going on in your mind, and life. 

Also, what's up with your partner.  Have you simply stopped talking?  Have you decided "to agree to disagree".  If you are depressed and in despair, the partner might at this point not know what to say anymore, to help you turn a new leaf.

Who else knows, in your life, that you are feeling this way? Do you have friends, or family, who you talk to?

On a rational basis, if you are on treatment, and the HIV is being handled in the normal treatment protocal, so your body is NOT "deteriorating".   You are having ruminative thoughts. 

Also, rationally, we know that many people can live a healthy life, physically and mentally, despite being HIV+.   So I can pretty much assure you that you are facing at this point, a mental challenge, not a physical one.  The sooner you can accept that and get some treatment for the mental issues, the sooner you might feel less anguish and pain. 

It's not easy to work on mental health, and its certainly not easy for many people to FIND and access mental health treatment.  But you must try to do so.

[Ann]

Hi James, welcome to the forums.

You don't mention what meds you're on - and I have to wonder if one of them is Sustiva (efavirenz). You may be taking it as one pill combined with one or two others, or you may be taking it in a three-in-one combo pill called Atripla.

If you are on a combo that includes Sustiva, it may be contributing to your depression and feelings of impending doom and deterioration. In fact, it may be outright causing it. Many people who were prone to depression before starting Sustiva find it makes their depression much, much worse and more difficult to handle.

If you are taking Sustiva, I recommend you read a thread here entitled - The Sustiva/Atripla Thread. If you are on Sustiva, I bet you'll find yourself nodding in agreement with some of the experiences of other members.

Again, if by chance you are on Sustiva and your partner is too, please understand that some people do absolutely fine on Sustiva and are not plagued by the depression side effects that so many suffer while on this med. So don't assume his tolerance of this med means that you should be tolerating it as well.

If Sustiva is the culprit here, a med switch away from Sustiva coupled with therapy will do wonders. Therapy alone, however, will not do a whole lot for Sustiva induced depression.

Good luck and please clarify what meds you're taking.

Ann