POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: Alan_B on February 21, 2013, 12:40:30 pm
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Hi all,
Out of curiosity I would like some opinions on what has to be the biggest failure in my life so far.
I am completely emotionally detached from potential partners. This is the best way to describe it.
I was seeing a fantastic guy for a while, but it ended because he said I wasn't emotionally invested in the relationship, or words to that effect. This got me thinking about our relationship ( as it would ). And I think he is right.
I can't take compliments. I think that people are lying or just trying to make me feel better when they give me them. I know myself that I have low self esteem.
I find it hard to interact with people on an emotional level. I'm a very guarded person and tend not to wear my heart on my sleeve. If I'm in a bad mood I tend not to talk about it, and if I have problems I try to work out ways round it without confronting them.
This has left me being described in the past as cold hearted etc.
I put it down to having a fairly shit couple of years, between suicide of a close family member, stress of my parents being financially ripped off, diagnosis of HIV, not being able to or feeling able to tell my parents for fear of them worrying too much. When there is a problem I get on with my life and talk to friends about it a bit, but never seem to reach much closure on it.
Problem is, being a science / engineering person I look for practical solutions to problems, to which I can't find one for my problem. I leaves me feeling scared that ill end up alone :-/
And just to reiterate - it isn't just with this guy, it's been over the last 5 years or so. Ever since I was dumped by the one man I have ever truly loved. Maybe that's still having an effect. No idea.
Basically, what the hell should I do r can I do? Being like this is how I have got round problems in life, so how do I address this as a problem?
I don't think I have articulated this well at all, but I hope you can get the gist.
Cheers
Al
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Forgot to mention in there-
When it comes to sex, I'm all for it at the start of a relationship, then I go between not wanting it at all, to wanting it constantly.
A lot of my past relationships have basically turned into relationships because of the lack of sex after a period of time.
Which I guess is a bit odd for a 25 year old. :-/
I put it down to the vast majority of my first sexual experiences being casual, no cuddling after etc, just as soon as its over you go on with whatever you want to do.
I am actually realising this all and seeing things click into place, and its not making me sad or anything, I just know I have to change how I interact with people.
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You've taken the first important step, by identifying something that you want to change. Lots of people don't even get this far.
To change your pattern of behavior, you need to first recognize it, understand what triggers it, and then learn new responses / actions to those situations and triggers. Often times it helps to understand the past incidents and interactions with people that led to your current behavior, which takes a little bit of digging, but not always.
I think you'd get a lot of value if you worked with a therapist / counselor. Have you considered this? I think if you took what you posted here, and put it under a good therapist's nose, they would see you as a good candidate and could start working with you right away.
Regards,
Henry
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It is something I can get easily and cheaply (free actually) through an HIV charity actually.
I know myself that I have certain . . . . . issues but not really until today that I realised that they have such an impact on my life, and other people's lives. It's something which certainly in the UK people don't do, or don't admit to.
Time to get on the phone I think. :-/
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Wanted to give you some encouragement. You're pretty young so its normal you're noticing some of the patterns and inclinations of who you are as an adult. I teach at a tech university and its common enough to have young men who are a bit detached socially or emotionally in these fields. You shouldn't feel like its something weird, more embrace that you are naturally inclined that way. You can probably get a good therapist and develop some strategies to counterbalance these inclinations, if you feel they are hurting your love life or social life... Also, if you had a few traumatic events in recent years, its possible you have some post-traumatic stress, and a therapist should be able to help you sort that out, too.
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I also am emotionally isolated. No matter the situation, no matter how much I can identify with it I just look cold and frozen. It drove my ex to distraction.
I have learned that I internalize.
I explained this to the latest guy I am seeing and he understands. If it bothers you, seek counsel. I come from a nonemotional family (back to my great, great grandparents) that I recall so while no problem to me, it bothered my ex who was from a very emotional family.
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Buckmark seems right on the money. You mentioned an HIV charity where you get therapy. At one ASO here in NYC they have a special support group for people with this very problem. Do you think something like that might be useful and can you try to find one in your local area? I know it's pretty specific, but they do exist, and I would have never known about it if it weren't something I thought about on account of my ex-husband. He was affectionately called "the robot", and we joked that I had enough emotions for the two of us so it would all be OK in the end. Yeah, that went as well as you're imagining it might. ;)
Good luck, buddy. There's hope and help out there somewhere. :)
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Problem is, being a science / engineering person I look for practical solutions to problems, to which I can't find one for my problem. I leaves me feeling scared that ill end up alone :-/
And just to reiterate - it isn't just with this guy, it's been over the last 5 years or so. Ever since I was dumped by the one man I have ever truly loved. Maybe that's still having an effect. No idea.
Yay to science/engineering people. I'm one too!
I too tend to downplay my emotions - because they are often the cause and not the solution to my problems. But that also makes me reserved. I don't think you can substantially change the way you handle your emotions but maybe just identify the moments when wearing your heart on your sleeve is a source of joy/happiness, then make an effort to fight the urge to downplay it.
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Yay to science/engineering people. I'm one too!
I too tend to downplay my emotions - because they are often the cause and not the solution to my problems. But that also makes me reserved. I don't think you can substantially change the way you handle your emotions but maybe just identify the moments when wearing your heart on your sleeve is a source of joy/happiness, then make an effort to fight the urge to downplay it.
Emotions get a bad name. I'm a programmer too, by the way (well, a front-end developer [not a designer], so you probably don't count me in this rigid system of left-/right-brain people).
I don't think emotions are the cause of anyone's problems any more than alcohol is the cause of an alcoholic's problems. Alcohol and out-of-control emotions may help reveal underlying problem, but they're rarely *the* problem.
I'm sure there are exceptions.
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Well the good news is we got our problems sorted for now, just going to see how things pan out. He's an LTSer too, someone I look up to very much.
As for me, I am going to try my best and I am also going to make an appointment to see a councillor.
Jus did something huge there (to me). Informed my parents who know that's am gay but we have never talked about it that they will have to meet my partner as he is going to be my plus 1 at my brothers wedding. Really proud of myself :-)
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Jus did something huge there (to me). Informed my parents who know that's am gay but we have never talked about it that they will have to meet my partner as he is going to be my plus 1 at my brothers wedding. Really proud of myself :-)
Way to go! It gets logarithmically easier with each step after that. For me, after so many years of "outness", the idea of being closeted in any way feels as foreign and unthinkable as the idea of being out used to. I mean, I know you're not closeted, but you're becoming more and more 'yourself' openly.
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Emotions get a bad name. I'm a programmer too, by the way (well, a front-end developer [not a designer], so you probably don't count me in this rigid system of left-/right-brain people).
I don't think emotions are the cause of anyone's problems any more than alcohol is the cause of an alcoholic's problems. Alcohol and out-of-control emotions may help reveal underlying problem, but they're rarely *the* problem.
I'm sure there are exceptions.
You mean that they are a necessary but insufficient?
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You mean that they are a necessary but insufficient?
Clever, you. ;) No, I mean uncontrolled emotions are a symptom. Of what? Ask your doctor. ;)
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A bit of a left field idea, but have you ever taken a Myers Briggs type personality test?
I've always been a bit, well, shall we say 'different' and seeing an uncannily true reflection of my personality (INFJ (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFJ)) in black and white was astonishingly helpful in pushing me to accept who I am and focus my efforts on what I could actually work on (assertiveness and being more communicative).
Without getting all evangelical about it (which the natural inner sceptic wouldn't allow me to be) it could be worth a dabble.
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Hi Al ,
You seem too young to be joining the lonely hearts club .
When I was growing up in New York city , early 1970's , My relationships lasted till breakfast , if he was a class act . If not , I often woke up to an empty bed :o
Some of the older guys here remember the Cedar Brook in Westport , CT . It was a wonderful bar , Tea Dances every Sunday . I had a new lover Every other Sunday .
When the fountain is full of willing and handsome men it is hard to stay out of the
water , so to speak :)
I met up with my husband over 30 years ago . One look and I was hooked , My dream boat had landed :-*
We have had many dry spots , and many very active times . But he is a keeper .
I am the one that backs off , sometimes for months . I look at my past as as a very fun time , would not have changed a minute of it .
Today I am HIV / AIDS and my Husband is NEGATIVE !
For the most part we get along well . ( Today I would like to put a muzzle on him ) :o
But that is because I feel horrid and he is full of energy .
I have found therapy to be helpful , But our past makes us who we are and when Mr. right comes along you will most certainly know your time as a whore are over :-X
Weasel
P.S. I was granted with a wonderful I.Q. and do not relate to normal people .
Normal does not work for me 8) I am the poster child for Emotional detachment
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Oh yeah ...... emotional detachment ..... not unusual in the community .... i deal with it always ..... positive since 1989 ...... CDC Aids in 2012 ..... viral load <75 ..... CD4 count 86 ...... retested last week waiting for new counts .....sometimes i wonder if i am getting sick or just getting older...... tend to think just getting older .... no really close friends .... many acquaintances ......but hell.... today i feel good
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Oh yeah ...... emotional detachment ..... not unusual in the community .... i deal with it always ..... positive since 1989 ...... CDC Aids in 2012 ..... viral load <75 ..... CD4 count 86 ...... retested last week waiting for new counts .....sometimes i wonder if i am getting sick or just getting older...... tend to think just getting older .... no really close friends .... many acquaintances ......but hell.... today i feel good
Hello welcome to the forum.
I notice that you have been positive for over 20 years....
And you mention a CDç count of 86 and and AIDS diagnosis.
Then you say this:
.....sometimes i wonder if i am getting sick or just getting older...... tend to think just getting older ....
Sounds to me you are sick... I mean, AIDS diagnosis and no few T Cells. Why don't you start a new thread and introduce yourself. I am wondering some things about your history with this disease but I don't want to pester. But I guess one of the basic things I'm wondering is when did you start HAART, if you started, yet??
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You can ask me any questions you like ...... I am here to help and to learn ..... my tcell count held steady for years in the high three hundreds ...... then the 200s .....the thing that confuses me the most is why my viral load is just about undectable and mt tcells fall .... i had new tests done 2 weeks ago ....I am calling for the results Monday ...... I have been in extreme stress recently ...... my doctor also says stress can lower tcells ..... besides my meds I also have to take meds for high blood pressure ....vitamins for low vitamin D count ..... zoloft for depression and adavan for those stressful momements ......I still work full ime ...my job isnt stressful and keeps me busy .....but my income because i lost my good job has been cut in half ...... luckily I have good insurance and ADAP ..... I return to the doctor May 31 ..... I am interested in hearing from anybody with low tcells and undectable viral loads and vice versa ...... how unusual is this ...... peace
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Emotional detachment? Your star sign might play a role in this also. Are you an Air sign?
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Zombie thread resurrected by astrologist. ;D
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Zombie thread resurrected by astrologist. ;D
It was in the stars .
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I'm a Capricorn, but I don't buy into that being an influence lol.
Oh well I guess I can update. New job, new house, new car and as single as ever.
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Al, I read your posts abt a month ago, being newly dx last Dec. I had nuffin to say or add.
Jst today I realized you're a wee Belfasty.
NOW we have a few things in common, i.e. male, poz and I'm orig from Newcastle. (yes, the one down the road. I'm sure you've been there sev times), though now I live in San Diego, (though tons and tons of fam still there)
Looks like you've been busy, new house, job, car. Congrats.
As for being single, I love it, but people don't understand or forgot what it's like to be totally independent, to do whatever whenever.
Keep in touch, Homeboy LOL
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Not even Belfast - Annahilt / Hillsborough! I'm a country boy bro'!!!!
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Not even Belfast - Annahilt / Hillsborough! I'm a country boy bro'!!!!
Good God Man do you not realize how revolutionary it was for you to even think off counselling , hats off double kudos to you , keep well and best wishes
Michael
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Good to see u back online.
I hope all is well.