POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: 020501 on February 06, 2007, 09:51:22 pm
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i’ve been lurking around here for a couple weeks and figured it was time to step out of the corner, introduce myself, and join the party.
i’m 30, was diagnosed in ’01, the anniversary was yesterday. i was a year into a six-year relationship when we found out. the relationship lasted five more years and has since been over for 16 months.
my way of coping for all this time was by not dealing with it at all. i refused to let myself think about it. i’d pop my pills three times a day and pretend as if nothing’s wrong, go to the doctor, and as soon as i was out the door it was out of my mind again.
my attitude has been changing lately. i’ve had more of an interest in understanding what’s going on and getting in better shape. i’ve been wanting to change my ways as far as eating better and trying to be less sedentary. i’ve realized in reading around here how little i actually know about what’s happening with my body and how much my doctor has neglected to tell me. i’m also seeing that i’ve been very fortunate to not have been through, yet, what many of you have, so i guess in my doc’s defense there hasn’t been the need for him to tell me about a lot of what i’m hearing of here for the first time.
in a way, i feel like i was just diagnosed a few months ago, after meeting someone new for the first time since being poz. so much of what i was able to not worry about by being with someone poz isn’t possible to avoid any longer. i’ve met a couple nice guys over the past few months. i don’t have it in me to even do oral without disclosing to them, so when things got to that point i was chickenshit about it, avoided it that night then just blew them off all together in the following days. not the ideal way to handle it, i know, but…
my physical health is great. i’ve been undetectable since shortly after getting on meds and my cd4 was 600ish last time. mental health is another story. i’ve turned into a recluse. i’ve always been a little shy and introverted, but not to this extreme. i’m not sure if its just suddenly being faced with dealing with the hiv after suppressing it for years or something else. i have no friends, dread the weekends, boredom and loneliness is taking its toll. no one knows about my situation except for a handful of people i talk to online across the country- none of which are poz. the couple times i’ve forced myself out to meet people turned out to be the disasters mentioned above. i want and need to make some friends, but the fear of rejection or feeling like i have to drop someone because i don’t have the balls to tell them the truth is keeping me from it. friends is all i’m interested in. i have no desire for another relationship and the thoughts of sex really isn’t all that appealing anymore either. although some nights i could kill for someone to sleep with. wrapping up around a warm body and falling asleep is what i miss the most. nothing says love like waking up with a head on you chest and a stream of drool running down your side. : )
i hate to sound so negative right out of the gate and i’m rambling anyway so i’ll wrap this up... later, guys.
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Hello 'New Guy'!
Welcome to the forum. I can safely say you are now among friends and can feel free to to vent, be sad, be happy, ask questions, etc., etc....You will find the support you need here and maybe someone to keep you warm too :o
TSW
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02~~
Too many numbers, man... ;D First, let me say welcome to the forums. This is a great place and a great bunch of people. I'm sure you will fit in just fine and hope to hear more from you in the future. I may ask questions here and there, you can answer or just not reply.
I'm sorry your relationship ended, I hope it was not due to finding out you were poz. If it was, then maybe it was a good thing that you found this out now. I can understand your feelings on sex and disclosure. There are a lot of things you really got to take into consideration. There's no rush in doing this, take your time to think about things. I'm glad your attitude is changing for the better, before it sounds like you were losing yourself to the pills.
It takes time to getting use to being infected and you'll prolly go through a range of emotions if they haven't started already. This is where we come in, share with us and vent. You'll more than likely come across someone who has been through a similiar experience.
As far as learning things here before hearing it from your doctor, I have learned things here as well and has often questioned him on things. Not that I don't trust him but to get him to start explaining things to me. He caught the hint. Your doctor may be waiting for something to occur before mentioning anything. Maybe he's trying not to have you worry. But if you have questions, make a list and go over with him on your next visit.
You're not alone on being a recluse. I stay home unless I need to go out for appointments or groceries. At times, I feel down about it because I wish there were things I could be doing but just can't really afford to do it. When I do have a few extra dollars, I go buy something that I may have been wanting for awhile, sort of like a treat to myself. Just throwing that out there.
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(http://img235.imageshack.us/img235/2577/4a5fec8015ae61cf8d3b4f2wq7.gif)
So glad you decided to join. There are alot of great people here.
Have you thought about volunteering somewhere. It would get you out of your house and you would be able to meet more people. It always makes me feel better when I'm helping others.
Glad your numbers have been good and no other problems. Hope to hear more you.
Hugs
Teresa
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Welcome to the forums! Good to have you here. It looks like you will have lots to contribute! Thanks for sharing!
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Hi Mr. new guy
My name is Al, and I am a male of 26 years old and I was diagnosed December 6, 2006. I am starting my meds very soon and have learned many things here. You will like it here, everyone's great here. Not dealing with it can be bad sometimes especially when you feel alone and sad. I feel the same you do, I dread the weekends and don't go out as much. I guess it will take time but I don't want to feel sad all the time so I force myself to go out even if it is with my mother and father, lol. If you ever feel lonely feel free to come here and say what you want. Welcome
Al
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Welcome to AM, my friend, your name will be safe with us if you care to share... ;D
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Hey Feb 5th! Welcome! Glad you decided to come in out of the shadows. This really is a great place to find support, strength, and compassion.
I can't give you much advice on how to fill those weekends as I'm more of a loner myself. I know we have at least one or two Tenn. guys on here. Get to know them.
Again welcome, jump right in ;)
Paul
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Hey Feb. 01,
Welcome to the forums and our somewhat eclectic family here. You have come to the right place for support, cameroderie, and just to let your hair down.
I know what you mean about dating. Of course, in my case, its a combination of HIV and getting a bit older. ;)
So, get comfortable and make yourself at home here. I'm glad you've joined in.
HUGS,
Mark
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Hey Feb 5th, Welcome to the forums! This is the right place to be. There is lot of information available here on this forum, ask anything and you'll get answers!
Cheers
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Hi and welcome!
Congrats on your good health, keep up the good work! I understand the lonely weekend thing. I have poured myself into my work and so not as many friends...
Bests,
Drew
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Hi there and welcome, it's a good place here. Joe
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Hi 020501!!
WELCOME and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
You go ahead and let your feelings out here - I know it's done a world of good for me!
Hey, this is a place where you are greeted with open arms so anytime you're feeling lonely or frustrated, you have some support and understanding here to help you through any tough times.
Again, Welcome!
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Hi New Guy!
I too am new to this site and I personally think it's wonderful! WELCOME! You are indeed among friends. Feel free to ask anything. I know exactly how you are feeling because I felt the same way. Boy the things I could tell you! But thank God, I am doing a lot better now. Anyway, welcome again and hope to talk to you soon!!
Eli
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Welcome... this is a great site. The way you've been dealing is pretty normal. Many of us become hermits. I didn't have sex for three years after I seroconverted. Not that I recommend it.
I know what you mean about waking up on someone's chest. When you are ready to start dating, you will see that being poz doesn't stop you unless you want it to. Try going into some of the poz rooms on gay.com, or searching for poz/blank/askme on manhunt and see how many turn up.
Disclosing is hard. Just remember, the worst thing they could do is to say no. You can live through that.
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Hi New Guy,
You say you were diagnosed in '01. That's a long time to be alone with yourself.
"nothing says love like waking up with a head on you chest and a stream of drool running down your side."
Thanks for making me laugh. :D Glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humour. Some days it's the only thing that keeps me going.
Daniel
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You seem like an insightful and articukate guy. Welcome. Ya know the combo of HIV and having a long-term relationship end can be rough. Talk to us and with us. Maybe it's time things changed for you.
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Welcome -
I've been on here for two months now and have learned so much. It's great place to ask questions, vent, and share.
Looking forward to learning from you!
Tom
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Hey New Guy. Welcome as a poster to the forums! It's always interesting to watch the process, since you mention that there was a time before, I guess, you knew about them, then you stayed out of sight and have finally, perhaps your anniversary pushing this, posted at the 'party.' I am not sure whether your former partner was positive or negative, so letting us know about that would help us with comments. Popping pills and going out the door is one way of handling things, but I hope that you will take the initiative with your doctor, will use the information here to start asking him questions about your health. Sometimes doctors only open up when nudged to do so. It sounds as though your physical health (thinking of only cd4's and viral load) is the best that could be asked for.
But you are right, meeting people is tricky now and we have threads upon threads of what guys have done, wished that they had done, how things have gone well with a new someone who they got the cold shoulder. There are options such as poz.com personals where disclosure is a non-issue. There is an organisation which I am looking into SIN (strengthinnumbers.org) which creates social outlets for hiv (men only?). You may have an aids service organisation where you live with some social options. Or you may have to figure out what is out there and use the resources to create options. Or simply trial and error at disclosure.
How you are going to do it was answered by your post itself: you need to make friends. That's what's going to give you the strength and the incentive to start the process. To get dressed to go out... but then stay home. But then, the next time, to actually get in your car, if only to drive around a gay bar and not park. There is no right time. There's only the time that you are ready to take the next step. Best, Win
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Dear 02051, (weird,like in the military!!)
Welcome to the big family!!!!
;)
....Supporting each other is one of our mission now!!!
JH
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Hey 020501...
Welcome to the forums man! I think you have come to the right place, here you will find whole range of incredible people who bring all kinds of history and knowledge with them.
I am glad you decided to come out of the shadows to play in the sandbox with us!
You are most welcome here, and who knows...maybe you will find that one guy you can drool on in the middle of the night too! :D
Oh...and I will be 32 next month...so, you and I are in the same age range buddy...and believe me...I am not afraid of sex anymore...or looking for love either...I ended a 9 year relationship this past June and it was difficult at first, but now, I am finding it easier and easier to handle.
Anyway, good luck buddy, and I look forward to hearing more from you!
-Jeromy
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Hi 02,
Welcome to the group! Your are not alone in your feelings, I tend to be a bit of a recluse also. Disclosure is a difficult thing. For me it took a long time to disclose.
Do you have access to a ASO? or and support groups in your area? I started going to a therapist about 5 years ago, and it has been one of the best things I did. You took the first step reaching out here. Keep talking to us.
Christine
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Hello and welcome.
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Hey 02!
Welcome to the jungle!
What you're going through is common with a lot of us, especially if we haven't been poz (or known we are) for very long ("very long" varies depending on the person, anyway). Since you've found AIDSmeds I hope you will be comfortable leaning on some of us for help, advice, information, and an occasional back rub.
Isolating oneself is so easy to do when HIV enters your life. The gamut of emotions and reactions, the sense many of us initially have of being "ruined" for life, the fervent desire to wake up and find you've had a bad dream. Pretending it's not there on the surface when you're trembling inside. Oh yeah, and lots more. I actually prefer to be by myself a lot, always have, but I do need some friends and acquaintances to balance the equation.
I've known my status for almost 18 years now and suspect I was infected almost 25 years ago and, except for being out of shape physically, I'm otherwise in disgustingly good health (knock on wood). For me and many HIV/AIDS is an important aspect of our lives but not the overwhelming crisis it may have seemed earlier. My luck could change any day and AIDS could present a greater challenge but I cannot dwell on such thoughts since they're counterproductive. At my rate I'm more likely to drop dead from heart failure than from AIDS, but my spring exercise regimen kicks off soon...
Negotiating with potential partners is definitely hard but it gets easier with time. It's next to impossible to emotionally distinguish between being rejected for your virus and not for yourself, and no one likes rejection no matter what the reason. I think (and hope) the situation has improved over the years and more guys are educated enough to realize safer sex is mandatory, period, and they should assume everyone is poz as the starting point. Your honesty and integrity speak well of you since some poz guys rationalize they don't have to disclose if they're having safer sex. Disclosure is an obligation on my part so I have always told a guy even before we began much kissing, just in case they're so afraid (or stupid) they think kissing is a risk.
Anyway, if you thought you could ramble you've just witnessed true rambling at its finest. It's pretty amazing I finish most of my sentences.
Welcome!
Boo
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Welcome! Feb 5th 2001 for those of you who dont understand the American Calendar system. In honor of you choosing the name that you did, and because everyone starts off by calling you 02~ I am now crowning you with your new nickname on the forums.
"The Duece"
(http://www.ringoffireradio.com/video/peace%20sign.jpg)
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Hey New Guy,
I joined these forums about two days after finding out I'm poz in March '06. It's been a real life save for me, in a lot of ways. I never lost my sexual desires, though... some things never change I guess! ;) I think you'll find most of the folks here to be kind, caring, and really funny. Anyway, welcome to the forums and keep on posting!
David
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Hey Duece dont list to David he's a perv!!!
Just TEASING, fuck all ya like just do it properly!
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wow. thanks for the warm welcome. i’m touched. and feel free to go a little lower next time ;) i’ve read over the replies a few times now and i’d just like to offer a huge thanks to each of you, its very encouraging.
so to fill in a few holes and answer some questions… my ex was also poz. we both entered into the relationship believing we were neg, but a year into it the truth revealed its ugly face. i’m not certain who gave it to whom and at this point its irrelevant. he’s had a harder time dealing with things than i have. since we broke up, he’s cut himself off from friends and family and moved out of state. he has no intentions of ever taking meds or fighting it. last i heard he was still in good health, but communication was never one of our strong points and was the biggest contributing factor to the demise of the relationship.
there is an aso (an abbreviation i’ve been seeing around here but had no idea what it stood for until today, thanks, poet) in town and i need to make a trip there sooner than later. i’d like to meet with a counselor about financial planning and the group thing mentioned above doesn’t sound like a bad idea either. i’m not sure what all they offer, but it is something i’ll be looking into soon. getting out and volunteering is on my list of things to do as well, along with getting a puppy. woof.
thanks again for the welcome guys, its greatly appreciated.
roger
aka “the deuce”
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Deuce,
It's sad that your ex is not handling his diagnosis very well but it seems to me that you are proactive when it comes to your health. It took me awhile to figure out what ASO meant too.
So, what kind of puppy are you considering? Name picked out?
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Hey Deuce,
Glad to hear that you are feeling better. The more you share things here the better you will feel. You are in the right direction as far as looking into a support group. Also, a puppy is a wonderful idea. They are what we need when we are feeling down!! I'm sorry to hear about your ex. I hope that one day he will come to his senses and look for help like you did!
Take care guy!!
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no idea yet on the breed, but definitley something on the smaller side, not too hyper, and hopefully easy to train. after seeing that new Pedigree commercial for the past few days i think i may be checking out whats at the shelter.
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You can think about a mini dachshund since they have no need to be trained as it's usually thought of. A dachshund 'gets' it at the first try and you spend the rest of your and his/her life trying to convince him or her to repeat it. :) Win
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Welcome to the forum, Roger.................... a.k.a. "The Duece",
You initiated an introduction on this forum and shared a bit of yourself and it didn't come off as being "negative right out the gate." Nope, not at all.
Glad you found this odd and wonderful forum--during a period of adjustments. So glad to read you are considering adopting a dog. A boxer-mixed pup is a great choice too. Not too hyper but devoted, as well as funny (antics). A dog will get you out the door and some good looking dude will walk up to you one day and say, "Hi. Nice lookin dog." ;)
Looking forward to reading your opinions/feedback in this forum.
xxx,
Mike