POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Katey on August 02, 2006, 04:13:42 pm
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Okay, first of all I would like to say a big hello to everyone on the forum. I have been reading it for about two months (started in the Am I Infected Forum) and thought it was a good time to make my first appearance.
I would like to share my story with you and see if anyone can offer some advice about my situation. Gosh I don`t know where to start! And sorry if this is a little long…..
I guess the last 3 months have been very eye-opening and educational for me. I am 24 yr old Australian girl who started a 12 month trip around the world in February, with plans to spend the first 6 months in South America. In April I met a beautiful Argentinian man in a club, and being somewhat intoxicated of course I ended up in his bed. I did not think much of it at the time, but he insisted on wearing a condom (which I thoroughly agreed with), and even went to buy more during the session as the cats had destroyed them all. Unfortunately, through a lack of judgement on my behalf (or lack of education) I gave him head for a very short time, although he stopped me quite suddenly and quickly and didn`t ejaculate in my mouth. I didn`t think anything of it at the time.
We both knew we had a real connection and spent the next three weeks together, he took me on a wonderful road trip around Argentina so I didn`t doubt his feelings for me. Unfortunately I then had a flight to Peru, which I took. Now when I think back to this time I remember that he mentioned how his ex boss died of Aids on more than one occasion. Again, I didn`t think anything of it. I now know he was trying to find out my thoughts on the issue and trying to see my reaction.
Anyways, we continued to keep in touch via email and Messenger, and he was very keen for me to come back and stay with him for a while, which I contemplated doing. One month later, via Messenger, we got onto the subject of STDs, and it was during this discussion he revealed to me his HIV+ status. Knowing very little about the subject I completely freaked out and was in tears in the Internet Café, thinking I had contracted the virus through sucking him and how my life was ruined. I tried to do some quick research but the only word I kept seeing was `risk`…….I chose to ignore the `very low` part. Basically, I was a complete mess, especially considering I had been feeling quite sick for the whole month (and had a fever exactly two weeks after exposure, and a mystery rash about 4 weeks after exposure). He wanted me to get tested, and realizing his error and obviously feeling great guilt, he bought me an airfare back, made an immediate appointment with his HIV specialist, and bought me a handful of Xanax (my request). I now know this extreme action was unnecessary but we were both in a crisis about what had happened (he says I am the first person he has ever let suck him since his diagnosis…….and he has no idea why he let it happen).
So, I had the Elisa and Western Blot test, and because I was in such a state I also had some definitive Viral Charge test (as it was only 8 weeks). Of course, they came back negative. However, through all this drama the boy and I became extremely close and I decided to stick around, knowing it would be hard to deal with his status, but realizing my feelings for him regardless. I spent the next 2 or 3 weeks thoroughly researching HIV which is how I came across this forum. I feel a lot more educated now – prior to this HIV was a distant word and disease, never in a million years would I have expected it to come into my life and transform my way of thinking.
It is two months later now and I am still living with him, enjoying a fulfilling, extremely fun relationship in this distant country. I am now completely relaxed about his status. Though somewhat paranoid during the sex at the start, I have accepted that condoms are a great barrier and have started to relax and enjoy the sex. The fact he is HIV+ does make me question what I am doing some of the time, but I guess in the end you can`t chose who you love and care about.
However, like all relationships, it is not great all the time, and this where I would appreciate some advice. Most of the time we do not talk about HIV and he has a very positive attitude, is happy and great fun. However, he has a habit of drinking heavily once a week, and when he comes home from these sessions he reveals how he is tired of his life, is very depressed, hates his lifestyle, etc. I do my best to be positive and comfort him, but there is only so much I can do. And the next day he pretends it never happened. I know deep down he is depressed about his status and I know he needs to see a psychologist. But he won`t seek help or make changes to help him live more healthily. He has only revealed his status to 2 people – myself and the girl he was sleeping with at the time of diagnosis (3 years ago……..he said he knew it was HIV as soon as the symptoms of ARS appeared). He claims that his friends would no longer be friends if they found out, and his parents are too old to deal with it. It is a very well kept secret. But he is hurting. I want to help. I can`t, (being in a country with a different language) and it is killing me.
Basically, this is why I have turned to the forums. I have been living here for 2 months and can only really communicate properly with him –it is too hard to tell my friends through email. I am going a bit crazy having no one to talk with, which is why I feel the forum may help.
Thank you so much for reading. I have learnt so much in the last few months. If you told me I would fall in love with a 36 year old HIV+ Argentinian 4 months ago I would have laughed in your face. Its amazing what can happen. This whole experience has taught me to be far less judgemental and far more open-minded, and that love has no barriers.
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I would like to share my story with you and see if anyone can offer some advice about my situation.
Hi Katey,
Don't really understand what it is you're asking for. ??? Sounds like things are going well for you.
If it's how to change this guy's problems, well frankly that's up to him, unless you want to be in a co-dependent situation which would be real unhealthy for the both of you.
Does he have any interest in signing up for these forums himself? Might help his mental state if he had others who are Poz to talk with.
Daniel
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Bless your heart!
More from me later. I am now going shopping with the first woman i revealed MY status to. She is now my fiance and she is negative. I have my bad days, but her love is like none I have ever experienced, I dont know but I feel like it makes it even MORE special to me because I am positive.
Your love will help him through obstacles that are very difficult for one to attempt on their own. Your love will help him more than you know. Help him through depression and for me it helped me feel "normal" again. Because my status didnt matter, it was us... it IS us. I cant wait to marry her. October 23rd cant come fast enough!
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Hi Katey!
I think the only "problem" in you relationship is his problem with alcohol once a week. If you could solve that everything would be perfect.
I am in a relationship with a HIV negative man and I haven´t told my relatives, just as your argentinian boyfriend, but only to portect them from the pain. If he can feel comfortable with only two people knowing he doesn´t need to disclose his status to anybody else to feel ok.
Good luck!
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Hie katie, i'm happy for you. the best thing i think u can do for him is to be there for him. being POZ is a hard thing to handle and personally there are times that i get depressed about it as well and feel like drinking my brains out (not a good idea). be supportive and tolerant when he's down and try to make him as happy as you can. i wish u all the best in your relationship..