I am really emoing out tonight.

[Mouse]

It's 4 AM and I need to get this out of my system before I can even think about sleep.

And also, I don't know. I do my best brooding at 4 AM. It's not as if some proverbial Cinderellaesque midnight clock goes off and tells me that' if I need to mope, now would be a good time because your carriage is about to turn into an old rotting pumpkin'. It's just that everyone else is asleep except me, and even though my mom is in the next room and my boyfriend is maybe a half hour drive from me (maybe less because no one is on the road at 4 AM) I feel incredibly lonely.

I probably would have been asleep hours ago, but my stomach has been all kinds of messed up. I'm taking pills to help with vomiting but, you know, there are other exits for nausea and it is good at finding them.

I feel very selfish, too, because I really don't have much to complain about right now, not if you get right down to it. My life is leaving whatever putrid swamp it decided to swim in for awhile and is really nearly back on track. I have school worked out - I'm starting next week. I'm having an incredible creative breakthrough - all I've wanted to do lately is write and write and write and for the first time in a long time I've been able to - and do it well. I have an amazingly loving boyfriend, who, despite his faults (and, you know, mine) really makes me a lot happier.

I want to see him so badly right now it's killing me. It hurts so bad it's almost satisfying because I can just feel this raw emotion in me and it's so sweet. Sometimes I wonder if I love him only because missing him is so masochistically satisfying. Then I wonder if I didn't love him if I would miss him at all. So, of course I love him. Sometimes I am disappointed because actually being with him is never as satisfying as it feels like it would be when I'm shitting out sappy selfpity-filled bullshit at 4 in the morning.

But I do love him as much as it's possibly to love a boy, I think. I keep feeling like something is going to happen, though. My best relationships were good because they were superficial entirely. This one is far from that, and it's entirely new territory for me. Of course, I've liked my past boyfriends. Some of them were okay. Some were even nice. Some satisfied some deep craving I had to feel sorry for myself constantly and that was just as nice as the ones that treated me good. My boyfriend now - he is something else entirely. I love him - genuinely, I can think of only a few people in the world to whom I say I love them and mean it every way a person could. Sometimes I wonder if that'll scare him off. He is the kind of guy that is very, very patient. Sometimes I say things to him just to see if he'll get angry at me. I just want to see some kind of nastiness to him because he is so ridiculously nice and I just want to be sure that he's human.

I find that when I really want to see him the most, I don't want to, you know, have sex with him or anything. I kind of just want him to hold me. And he is really good at that.

The most horrific thing about it I think is that I can't do anything productive when I'm with him. Only when he's away from me because that's when I actually have time to stew on all the stuff he brings out of me that I've never really had pulled out of me against my will before. So, here I am, you know, pouring my heart out to myself because I miss him - and only because I miss him. The weird thing is had I never met him I don't think these emotions would be here right now so it's really backwards.

See, here is someone that I know completely understands me, without any doubt, and we are total opposites. I'm loud and I'm opinionated and I'm stuck up and I'm really, really, really concieted - and he's quiet, and he's respectful and he's intelligent. I'm emotions, he's logic. When I yell, he whispers. When I get worked up about something he finds some logical, scientific reason why I should not be and I can't help but agree with him. Every single thing we discuss - he's absolutely right about and I hate it because I hate being wrong. If I try to argue with him he'll tell me EXACTLY WHY my logic is flawed and he's the only person in the world that I'll admit that I'm wrong to.

But he's never stuffy about being right all the time. He just is.

He's a brilliant artist. He creates the most beautiful paintings and he is so expressive. I feel inadequate next to him. I can write. Maybe. But who wants to read? Who can I reach out to, really, when I write? Other people that speak english. People, maybe, that're, you know, interested in what I'm talking about. But he could paint something and put it up and it'll catch everyone's eye and it'll say something to everyone - except, maybe, blind people. But you know what I mean. He is up there and I am down here.

Everyone told me that the longer I dated him the more flaws I would see in him and the less I would feel as though he were perfect. But I only feel as though he is more perfect. He is so sincere and intelligent despite everything. I haven't gone through anymore than him. He has HIV. Hell, he's gay AND he's trans and his family life may be even more fucked up than my own. But here I am - and I'm bitter and I'm resentful and I'm cranky and rude and a thousand bad traits and he's totally balanced. I feel like I'm dragging him down. I know that's hopelessly emo but it's true. He told me the first night that we started dating that he wants us to be equal - no dominent / submissive crap. No one telling the other what to do. No one 'being in charge'. No bigger person. No pants-wearing, you know? But how can that work out when we aren't equal to be with? We are both flawed, but it's the way that we deal with our flaws that make us so drastically different. And I say this while trying really hard not to sound stereotypical or silly or dumb or whatever, but I feel guilty because he deserves someone - if not better, than different. He makes me happy but I don't think I make him happy enough.

I don't know. I'm sorry for ranting at everyone.

[poet]

Jaser, your thread has brought a number of thoughts.  First, I am reading it.  I couldn't know what you were feeling and thinking any other way than if you could put it into words.  Yes, as a writer, too, I sometimes wish that I could paint it rather than move words around on a page to 'get' it, but I can't.  I, too, have to use words.  But when my words work, all the reader gets is the image I am painting through my words.  Not the word following word.  Not the lines we call sentences.  Which is why I became a minimalist poet, reducing the lines to only those absolutely necessary.

Second, we never want to have a boyfriend whom we don't think is better than we are.  Relationships are, in part, about bringing someone into your life who pulls you and pushes you to become a better, smarter person.  I used to say of an ex-partner that his mind was like wandering into a room which had no closets, no dead spaces.  You could keep wandering in it and it kept getting larger.  Yes, we were different people, but we allowed each other to be different and even so, his was the opinion which I most needed to hear, even if it reflected his difference from me. 

Keep writing.  Here.  In a journal.  Through school work.  Write sentences.  Write about your life.  Imagine other lives.  Write yourself into whom you want to be.  Write yourself into where you want to be.  And then stretch to be more and to reach farther.  Win

[aztecan]

Jaser,

I could say it no better than Win has.

Ditto.

HUGS,

Mark

[LatinAlexander]

Oh Love... Man, you are in love... Just dare to enjoy it..

Alex

[ndrew]

Hey,

Don't be so tough on you.  You got some great stuff goin' on.

Drew

[DanielMark]

I feel very selfish, too, because I really don't have much to complain about right now, not if you get right down to it.

It's not selfish to examine your life now and then. It's great that you are.

I'd suggest you try not to over think things.

Try to believe you are worthy of this love Jaser, of being in love with someone who seems perfectly matched to you.

Daniel