Boyfriend Tested +...Need Advice Please!

[Gemini365i]

Hi Everyone. He is scared and I am scared as well, as I have never been in this situation before.

He is 21 and I am 30. I took him to get tested and it came back +. So, he will go this wednesday to get more blood work done and I want to get tested again as well.
The last time I tesed, I came back back -.

So my question to you guys is...what can we expect? Do we go to any type of support group or something? My main concern is him and only him @ this point....

What kind of changes can I expect emotionally from him? He has been depressed since he got the news....I cried, he cried.

As far as sexual relations go between us...  How serious is it that he has given me oral sex? Is this that risky? WEe hve not had intercourse without a condom, but oral yes......

Please help.
JE

[komnaes]

Hi JE, really sorry to hear about your boyfriend.

You didn't say whether your boyfriend's status has been confirmed by western blot test, so I assume that when you said "more blood work" you mean he will be getting a western blot? Even if he's indeed HIV+ now, and you guys have never engaged in unprotected anal sex, the risk of you getting infected by him through oral sex is academic, either he was giving or receiving.

There will be a lot to process but the first priority is to get medical attention, i.e. if the infection is recent the chance is that his counts like CD4 might still be high and he would not be needing medication for a while, but of course it depends on each individual so the important thing is to get monitored regularly.

Support group is a great idea, and it's inevitable that folks get emotional when we first found out. We have all gone through this, so we know how a negative emotion will only make things worst. That's IMHO is the only thing you need to know now - because it's really hard to anticipate what an individual might react to his infection.

So the bottomline is - with new medication, HIV can now be managed more effectively and there are thousands of us living a normal life and we do not let HIV define us. So there's no need to just think about what might happen, just focus on NOW, take care of yourself and shoulder on.

Wish you two the best, hugs, Shaun

[next2u]

JE,

shaun has given you some pretty sound advice. it definitely takes a minute to adjust to but that all can pass. the first couple of weeks are a bitch. understand, it gets better.

best,
d

[Gemini365i]

Hi again,

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I am not sure when he got infected. He told it it was one time un protected with someone well before he met me...his ex! He is not really sure, so  we don't know how recent this is. I did have concerns, because of the sweats,  I  know how minimal it is, but I realized it one night when he was sleeping and I woke up and he was drenched. Thats when it hit me...

I am glad we both know now. I just have so many questions.  I have to do a lot of reading, and find some groups here in the city. I am sure they have some in the Center. If others are here in ny/nj, area, maybe they can recommend some support groups here.  .

The main thing is, he is 21 and lives with his Parents, and he does not want to tell them and I told him not to right now, because of how his mother is. He is afraid she will kick him out of the house...and she will. She is not a nice person. She will blab to the world. I do not want that to happen, and I wonder what will happen now....I am so like  spinning in my head.  My only and main concern is him. I can deal with me  later.

If his 1st  testing was reactive, could there be a chance that this 2nd  testing might be non-reactive?

So, the best thing right now I told him is get the blood work, go from there, and after that............we'll take it how it comes. I did tell him that I would not abandon him. I have had other b/f's that I ran away from because of the fear factor...you know what I mean?  I just am not sure how well I will be able to cope mentally  and how to react in times of support/depression.

I just don't want to force  to much on him right now. But he is 21 and hard-headed, so he will fight tooth and nail to not do what he needs to do to stay healthy. That scares me.

Time to 'grow up' now.

I will let you all know what happens after the 2nd results.

[komnaes]

If his 1st  testing was reactive, could there be a chance that this 2nd  testing might be non-reactive?

A non-reactive Western blot followed by a positive result does happen (i.e. false positive), but it's not a common occurrence. In most recent infections, as in my case, the result might be undetermined but it usually comes back positive after a while if the person is indeed infected. So both your boyfriend and you should not worry too much about it, just focus on getting it done and be prepared for a positive result.

Most of us tend to think the worst of everything will happen to us - as in my case, for a very different reason I told myself (and everyone) that I would never let my mother know, but now that she's found out, we are actually getting closer together. You just don't know what's going to happen. So don't fix on an idea on what and what not to do just yet. Things will change.

Your boyfriend is fortunate to have you there with him. Many of us here have negative partners, and a few members here are also negative but are partnered with someone positive. So don't be discouraged, and it's a good thing that you're doing the reading on health and treatment information for him as we, at the beginning of finding out, tend to read too much (and scared ourselves silly) or little (not in the mode, therefore missing some vital issues to discuss with doctors, etc).

All the best dude. There are plenty of groups in NY/NJ,..I am sure those folks will join in this thread once they see it.

Hugs, Shaun

[Assurbanipal]

Hi JE

Here's hoping things go well on the Western Blot.  But, if not, there are a lot of groups in NYC, starting with GMHC.  If that is difficult to reach, Hyacinth is the largest NJ Aids Services Organization (ASO).  It is based in New Brunswick with offices in Trenton, Jersey City, New Brunswick, Newark, North Plainfield and Paterson.  Support groups run out of Trenton, New Brunswick, Newark and Jersey City.  Can't vouch for the support groups quality one way or the other personally though.

Hyacinth services brochure: http://www.hyacinth.org/hyacinth/news/brochure.pdf

In addition, you might want to read through the lessons on this site: http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Introduction_4702.shtml

Assurbanipal

[hotpuppy]

Hi JE,
   First - Relax.  HIV is not a race.  It's a marathon and it is a slow progressing disease.

Second - Keep playing safe.

Okay now about your posts.

1) Testing.  Usually you test "reactive" to a rapid test that checks for antibodies to HIV.  This is confirmed with a Western Blot test that looks for antibodies to pieces of HIV and is much more sensistive.  Testing is accurate back to about 8 to 12 weeks.

2) Night Sweats. This is normal and goes away in a couple months.  Chances are that he was recently infected if he is having night sweats.  Night sweats are caused by your body fighting the virus.

3) Look for a HIV 101 type class.  Here in Houston, Legacy (an ASO or AIDS Service Organization) teaches NextStep.  Both of you can go.  You for your own purposes and to support your bf, and your bf because it's a good first step.  These types of classes teach you how to live with HIV and give you a run down on the basics of what you need to know.  They are free here and should be where you are.  Here they cover your first set of HIV bloodwork as part of the class.

4) Look for a HIV support group.  They are all over. 

5) Look for a HIV social network.  This site is one such example.  There are likely to be other poz guys near you  who have monthly meetups.  It's good for your bf to see guys who have lived 10, 15, 20 or more years with HIV.  They will show him that it can be done more than anything you can say.

6) Give him time to adjust.  It is a very devastating thing for most of us to be told we are HIV positive.  The first thing you have to do is come to grips with it.  After that he can decide who he wants to tell.  Be supportive, not captive.  Realize that he is going to need someone to be very supportive of him and that there will be ups and downs.


Don't forget to live and love.  HIV is like an unwelcome pet.  Once it moves in there is no evicting it.  It pisses on the carpet, tears up the furniture, and is a general nuisance.  It's also like a bad relative.  There is no getting rid of it (at this point).  You can however enjoy life and keep it under control. 

You didn't start dating to get bogged down in HIV.  So provided you deal with it, there is no reason you shouldn't have sex, go out to dinner, go to a movie, love, hold, cuddle, and enjoy what you have today.  After all, none of us are assured of a tomorrow, regardless of your HIV status.

[Peacock]

I remember when I tested + and my boyfriend cried, then said that he still loved me.
It was wonderful to know that Im not going to get rejected, and even though we dont really talk about the Hiv, my partner is still a pillar of support.
Thats all that you can be, and by the sounds of it, your boyfriend is very lucky to have such a mature,understanding, caring, down to earth person like you are!
Hotpuppy puts it all into a nutshell..get used to your new pet!