POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: IAMWENDY on October 27, 2009, 08:28:04 pm
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I'm new to this website, in fact i do not know another HIV+ person and have been poz for 20 years. I am very lucky to have turned my life around; ended substance abuse and codependent relationships and had a baby 5 years before I was diagnosed. I often wonder how I would have reacted had I not had so much wonderful energy in my life when the bomb fell.
The commom thread in my life was spiritual. I rejected the fundamentalist Christian path of my parents at age 11 and began studying eastern religion which was a recipe for family madness! I became very rebellious for survival's sake and drugs, sex and wild spiritedness took their toll, but the seeker was always alive and well.
I did have a serious bout with meningitis 10 years ago which threatened to kill me, and the recovery spanned two years, but otherwise have been healthy as an ox. In fact, I believe I'm healthier now than I've ever been in spite of HIV.
To make a long story short, I'm now 20+ years poz, have raised a beautiful daughter solo who is in college, and I've been celibate the entire time. Dysfunctional relationship was not something I chose to share with my daughter, and I wasn't convinced that I would be successful in attracting and maintaining a healthy relationship.
My spiritual search has guided me to the study of tantra. I will limit this query to sexual tantra, although there are as many forms of tantra as there are human behaviors. I've had some experience in tantric practice that is intimate yet nonsexual. Speaking as a person who formally held great sex as priority in relationship, I can say in all honesty that this beats it hands down. You see, the pleasure of intercourse ends with orgasm, and to date I have not found the end of pleasure in tantra. I'd be lying if I said that at this point my major goal is to experience enlightenment through the practice of tantra, possibly in the future. For now I see a very real and unlimited potential for intimacy far beyond the high that is experienced in intercourse or oral sex with orgasm. Finding a like-minded partner is another story. I haven't noticed any postings on this site that indicate that others are exploring this venue for either spiritual or physical pleasure, so I thought I'd introduce myself with this topic.
I am not comfortable sharing my poz status with anyone I do not have a trusting relationship with, and my experience is that men want sex long before that point. In fact, they seem to determine whether a relationship is worthy of pursuit by the quality of the sex. I can't fault that attitude, because that pretty much describes my first 20 years of adult life. AND that attitude no doubt contributed to my infection with HIV and HEPC, amen. There's so much more than traditional postures and approaches to intimacy than intercourse, or even oral and anal sex, and the good news is that it's good for your spirit as well. Sometimes I wish I desired women, this might well be an easier scene. But I am what I am and that's all that I am. ha!ha!
If there is any interest in the subject in this community, I'd love to hear from you.
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Wow. What an interesting post! Welcome to the AM site---what an intro. You have hopefully been to the long-term survivors forum, too. This is a women-only, no men allowed forum and much of what you have written should be read by others. IF not, get on over there, too, as they would likely enjoy learning about alternatives in sexuality and spirituality. Who wouldn't? Positive or negative.
So, with that, it's obvious I have no intentional and concerted tantric experience to share with you, but I'll look forward to reading more of your posts about it and doing a little foraging for info as well.
Your last paragraph includes some interesting points as well--with which I agree, I must add.
Em
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Outside of Buddhist and Hindu spiritual training, there is a well acclaimed psychologist from Europe by the name of Margo Anand who teaches workshops in Europe and the US. She has written several books "The Art of Sexual Fantasy" and "The Art of Sexual Magic". Bringing sex and spirituality together creates an equation that is greater than the sum of its parts.
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I was in a relationship where my fiance kept trying to get the nieghbor's wife's attention. She gave it back, and he also owned a comapny, well it was just starting out. I used to watch his kids, she used to cheat on his bus with him. He used to take women to amusement parks, not call me for long periods of time, and I felt so lonely. He was not even my friend.
I put my time into being a mother. I used to buy the cutest clothes for my daughter, a while later I got a job at a store in a shopping center. Everyday I came home my daughter used to tell me I smelled like candy.
I was so tired I just dropped on the couch, and slept. I also got the flu and was sick for two weeks, I slept like I was in a coma, not kidding! I could not eat, and my immediate family as if they did not care that I could possibly be dying. My daughter noticed that something was wrong. She would cry when I was not at the table for dinner.
At this moment I knew my daughter is the only one who does love me. Then I figured out it was a show to get my daughter over being afraid.
You sound like you have grown a lot since the times you've talked about. That is neat! I have been positive for almost 15 years. And I have not had any friends besides my fiance with this disease.
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When I was pregnant with my daughter all I prayed for was that she (he) be open to me spiritually. I never spoon fed her my beliefs; I was force fed fundamental Christianity from the start and It really turned me off. She was as strong willed as I, and I respected that. She said she didn't know if God is real; I accepted that. I got respect when I earned it, and harsh words when I didn't; I listened. She's in College now and majoring in Political Science with a minor in Religious Theory. What a joy to watch her become her own person! I guarantee that the time you spend nurturing your relationship with your daughter is the best investment you could ever make.
A common thread to many of the postings in this website is "loneliness." Like loneliness is a symptom of HIV? My biggest discovery has been myself. I spent several years in total solitiude to discover it. but it has changed my life. Once you learn to love your own company the path widens and the scenery improves. Energy regenerates. Life is renewed. IAMWENDY