Tested positive 1/24: My schpiel

[tabas1]

Hi all!

I am a 29 yo man. I went for a full panel screening on Monday after a potential drugging/date r*** that happened Saturday to get PEP, and received the call Wednesday afternoon that I was already testing positive. That means I must have already had it and I just didn’t know. I haven’t had any previous sexual contact since I broke up with my ex two years ago, and I had tested negative around a year into that relationship because I randomly came up with chlamydia and gonorrhea (we were supposedly monogamous, also why I wasn’t taking PreP). He convinced me one of us had it latent before we got together.

Summer 2023 I found a horror trove of videos on his private Twitter of him very explicitly taking part in VERY risky sexual behaviors… like dark room anon crazy stuff. We were 100% still together while many of those videos were shot. I now realize I should have gone to get tested again right then, but I was honestly just so blinded by the betrayal that I wasn’t even thinking about it. Looking back I don’t know, maybe I thought I had gotten tested when we broke up? It’s all a blur now. I’ve lived like a nun from the time we broke up to now aside from whatever happened to me Saturday, just been trying to work on myself, finished graduate school, and to become the best me I can be before dating again. And thank God, because I would feel 100x worse right now if I had to go around warning people I might have infected them too.

It’s been a lot of negative emotions swirling around ever since. I was always so careful; I have my masters degree in public health for goodness sake! I know all about sexual health! I had zero symptoms, aside from maybe fatigue which I attributed to depression. I was fortunate enough to get squeezed in at the LGBT center here the very next morning (Thursday), and I am already on Biktarvy now.

Most of my friends are straight, so this is a super isolating feeling; the only person I’ve told is my mom, who didn’t really know what to say. I don’t think I’ll ever tell my friends. I know about U=U and the treatments allowing normal life expectancy, so the health stuff doesn’t really scare me aside from needing a pill for survival every day when I never have before. It’s really the thought of dating again that cripples me. I don’t live in a huge city… word travels fast. I might just not date until I can get to Chicago, or I’ll see how you all deal with that and go from there.

Anyway… Sorry for the wall of text. It was somewhat therapeutic to type this up, feel like I’ve been holding so much in. Thankful for spaces like this. I hope to learn more from everyone here and already feel a tiny bit better seeing so many others going through it.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about the sexual assault last weekend, and I hope you are getting the support you want/need to help you. 

On the HIV front, I'm glad to hear you have access to and started treatment so quickly. During yesterday's clinic visit, did they take additional labs and set a follow-up appointment for results, or did they just provide Biktarvy?

I'll ask you to post only in this thread until you have the labs in, like VL & Cd4 counts. You can post any questions, vent or share here, and the other forum members will reply and offer support in this thread.

Take it easy.

[tabas1]

Hi Jim,

Yeah they took around 20 vials of blood yesterday, I’m still just waiting to get results. I apologize for not waiting until I have my numbers, I’ll come back when I get those results. And thanks!

[Jim Allen]

Yeah they took around 20 vials of blood yesterday

Yeah, you get used to the vampires. Next time it will be less than 20 vials once you are just going for routine clinic visits.

[Jim Allen]

Most of my friends are straight, so this is a super isolating feeling; the only person I’ve told is my mom, who didn’t really know what to say. I don’t think I’ll ever tell my friends.

Almost all the people I know are straight, except the guys here on the forum, and everyone knows I have a touch of AIDS; I never had any bad reactions. Except for dentists, GPs and nurses... Its Ireland

But there is no real reason to tell your friends ..unless you want their support? Many people have manageable health conditions and don't make it public knowledge, live long enough, and odds are you will have more than one, and so will your straight friends.

Remember that once you tell someone something, what they do with that information is outside your control.

It’s really the thought of dating again that cripples me. I don’t live in a huge city… word travels fast. I might just not date until I can get to Chicago, or I’ll see how you all deal with that and go from there.

Well, I live in catholic rural Ireland. Being straight is a plus point, I suppose, in dating; all I can say is HIV has never been a barrier for me; most of the towns I live in have 10K or smaller populations, but I manage to get laid all the time, and everyone knows.

But I don't know, maybe HIV is just less of a barrier to dating and sex in the straight world ... You wouldn't have thought it, though.

Anyhow, you are new to HIV and still digesting the diagnosis and the assault as well so I would suggest giving yourself time to process that before worrying about dating.

[Tonny2]

              ojo.           Hello there!… welcome to the forum and I’m glad that you found us. It seems that you are getting the diagnosis not too bad because of the information you have learned about the treatments. I as Jim said, for you to start dating you need to digest your new you. It takes time to adjust to our new normal, the sooner you adjust to this new normal the better for you. So here we are for you and hopefully your numbers are not too bad. It doesn’t matter how you got the virus, now, you know you have it , now you treat it… good luck and please keep us posted. Remember that you’re not alone we are here for you whenever you want a shoulder to lean on.