Lost the will to live

[Risingphoenix]

Hi,
I was just tested positive a week ago. I'm 21. VL at 4500, cd at 560. I'm in the state of shock, I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. I'm falling asleep everyday hoping to never wake up. The only reason I haven't hurt myself is because of my family and the hope that there will be a cure in a few years, which is unlikely. I don't know why I'm posting this, just felt the need to talk to someone.
Not afraid of the virus. Afraid of myself.

[Tonny2]

        ojo        Hello and welcome

I'm sorry you feeling this way, it's normal afteer getting a hiv diagnosis. If you think that you can't handle this on your own, seek professional help, one thing is for sure, it will get better with time.

You are here, I guess because you are seeking support, you will get it from all of us, we know what you are going through right now...I guess family is a good reason to keep moving forward, but, you need to feel good about yourself too, and you will as soon as you start treatment, must of the time, it takes just one pill a day to keep making plans for the future, living a relatively normal life...I have talked to lots a young people like you, especially in the spanish forum (spanish being my first language), they were feeling like you, now, they are older, some with partner (poz or neg), finished school and living a complete and happy life, although, some of them, have to take multiple medications, but, they have learned how to live with the virus, you will too...Give it time, digest your dx, cry, scream, do whatever makes you feel better, but, at the end of the day, you have to be strong and face the fact that you acquiered the virus and you have to fight it for your family but especially you have to fight it because there is life after a hiv diagnosis...please, keep posting whenever you feel like it, whenever you feel alone, whenever you want. We are here for you, you are not alone anymore...Read some of our member experiences to learn how each of us have dealt with the diagnosis, I'm sure you will feel better after reading some of their stories...best of luck, be strong. NOW THAT YOU ARE POSITIVE, YOU HAVE TO BE POSITIVE to survive, take it from someone who has been living with the virus for almost 23 years, and I did it for my family too, so you can do it too...hugs, you need them now...keep us posted                                                                            ojo

[3DollarBill]

Almost every one of us has been through what you're going through when we first tested poz!  In 2017 it's still a shocking, upsetting period but HIV infection is not the death sentence it once was.  I was in a daze for weeks after testing poz in 1990.  Wishing I could just go to sleep forever was a constant thought.  Thinking I'd be dead before 30 was also.  I've been poz since before you were born, as many here have, and at 61 I'm healthy as a (fat) horse. 

Your CD4 count is quite good and a viral load of 4500 will probably be undetectable within a short period after starting meds.  You're young and have every reason to live! Please don't think I'm diminishing what you're experiencing now because I've been there (a long time ago!) and most of us have.  Your life will return to "normal" again.

Others here will surely write better phrased responses but after reading your post I had to chime in. Don't give up!

[virgo313]

Hello,
I think almost most of us knows that cure will not be within years.
It is normal to feel down. Like everyone here will say, you will be fine & healthy.
There is nothing to be worry once you are on med.
There will be many wonderful year ahead for you as you are young.
"Raise like a phoenix & live life to the fullest"... . Thanks

[Jim Allen]

Hi

Sorry to hear about the recent diagnosis, you are only a week into this and its a head spinner and it sounds like you are still digesting the news.

The good news is you are 21 and have your whole life ahead of you, and with treatment life with HIV goes on as normal.

Expect to have to work, pay bills, pay the rent, fall in love, get married if you are into that or don't, have kids if that's the plan. To be honest in the scheme of things nowadays HIV changes nothing and life goes on.

Now ill be frank I do not believe a cure is possible, not ever and certainly not in my lifetime, however that is not something that would upset me as HIV does not really impact my life and treatment is at a point that in a way i view it as a near functional cure if you like.  I simply take a pill a day and get on with my life.

Anyhow do keep us posted and try not to overthink things.

Jim

[InRecovery]

Don't torment yourself. In 1995 when I first tested positive, I was told I had only 5-7 years left. But, I am still here. I live a full life. I have never been sick or felt fatigued. I work full-time. I swim. I got arthritis at an early age, but other than that, I don't feel like I have HIV. I never even get the sniffles. When everyone else is coughing with a clogged nose and sore throat in the winter, I never get it. If you take your meds, there is no reason you can't make it to 90. Have your labs done. Est three square meals a day and let yourself have fun--healthy fun, that is. Hobbies lessen stress tremendously.

23 years ago, I tested positive in rehab. I was terrified, but I was also relieved that I had made it through the detox phase. It was so wonderful not to crave the heroin anymore. Even though I was facing what I was told was a deadly disease, it really wasn't. Thankfully, that was around the time the protease inhibitors and triple cocktail was approved. I responded extremely well and so did many others. Before doctors knew how effective the new meds were, it gutted me when I told my parents I wouldn't be around come 2000-2002. But, I'm still here! Many of those people who had to tell their families are not only alive, but in good health with an undetectable viral load. I don't take it for granted. Do I think a cure will come in the next ten years? Absolutely. The doctors told me there was so point pursuing my master's. I deeply regret listening to them.

Find someone you can trust--a support partner or mentor. Most doctors these days don't judge and act cold like they used to. You will be OK. If you stress too much, you're going to make yourself exhausted and feel icky. Just be thankful you live in a the time of the protease inhibitors. Life can be normal and great.

[zach]

Your username tells me you know you'll rise out of this.

It took me a couple years to wrap my head around it, and honestly a good five before I made peace with it, but damn that first year was a mind fuck. Stability the first year is a challenge. You have a whole new thing to learn, and quick.

The advice I give you... lock it down, and unpack it very slowly and carefully. Remain calm, maintain your composure. Don't do anything rash that will have long term consequences. Be cautious of who you disclose to. Three week positive Phoenix needs a shoulder to cry on, three year positive Phoenix may regret telling that shoulder something they never needed to know.

You will get through this, ride it out.

[harleymc]

You're in shock.You're mourning the loss of naivity that says our choices have no consequences. But life's a bitch.

Now you have to throw out all the 'knowledge' you thought you had about HIV prior to sero converting and learn some very affirming lessons about how to live your life with a chronic, mostly unnoticeable, health condition. Of course it's only chronic and manageable on treatment, don't delay.

Are your family supporting you to get medication/ treatment? Have you found a good doctor?

[Almost2late]

Hello Risingphoenix,
Sorry about your recent diagnoses but it's better you found out early than later. You're young, with a healthy tcell count and great medication at your disposal to keep you healthy. You've gotten some very good advice and tips here and I couldn't agree more with all of it.. I know it's tough to wrap your head around in the beginning but it will get easier to deal with and eventually you'll see it too.. I do hope you're on treatment and come back to update us on how your doing..
Best of luck to you.

[Jim Allen]

Have not heard from you but hope you are doing ok.

Jim