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Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: CalvinC on July 02, 2006, 11:02:23 pm

Title: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: CalvinC on July 02, 2006, 11:02:23 pm

Good lord help me, I'm up here in Sudbury, about 400 K north of Toronto. But the day was beautiful and my family is wonderful (oddly enough, though, my one sister-in-law hugged me but did not, for the first time ever, kiss my cheek. I noticed. I recently informed them I am poz. Hmmmmm)

So, alone, I visited my parents' grave, told them what had happened to me, cried some. I was thinking about loss, and I told them I lost my boyfriend. Then I remembered that he really wasn't my boyfriend, though we dated a couple of months, and then he left me the day after I told him I tested poz. A person like him, so self-concerned that he never even sympathized with my plight, can't be, I realized, the thing I miss (or if in some deep place he is, he won't be much longer).

I said that I missed the old Andrew, the lonely guy whose loneliness lead him into unsafe places, not because I want to be him again, but because he's dying or dading away and he needs someone to look after him. Which is another way of saying I wanted my parents to help me put him to rest as I need to move on. I'm going to miss him: that old Andrew was 47 years of my life. I miss him because he was part of me and lead me to where I am today, for good and ill. But I'm changing, and he's being left behind.

Andrew (not sure if that made sense, and looking forward to getting back to Toronto tomorrow)

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
Post by: Sdgirl on July 02, 2006, 11:09:01 pm

SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
Post by: Life on July 02, 2006, 11:21:43 pm

Calvin, if you choose to look at yourself like that, you wind up like that... Don't go that route... Turn around and dont get lost in the forest...
 :)

Love

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
Post by: CalvinC on July 02, 2006, 11:30:50 pm

well, maybe I should qualify my commet: what do you miss but know it really isn't worth missing.....

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
Post by: CalvinC on July 02, 2006, 11:31:44 pm

Sex.....well, YES and no......

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
Post by: otherplaces on July 02, 2006, 11:38:23 pm

My answer to the qualified question for sure would be:

To go out on a Friday with friends, drop all my worries in the world, and to get completely drunk while chain smoking.

I know that's quite a dead end, but I do miss it. I guess I feel like I'll never have another day w/o worry. That's the problem.

But yes, sdgirl....sex. I haven't had sex since I was infected 11 months ago. But I believe I'll find someone to have sex with at some point in the future. And what a grand day it will be!!!:)

brian

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: CalvinC on July 02, 2006, 11:48:19 pm

There, I just changed the title of the thread to reflect what I really meant.....  A.

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: Life on July 02, 2006, 11:50:09 pm

Ok, I think I lost some of my "Serenity", but in time, I think I can get that back.. :)

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: cubbybear on July 02, 2006, 11:58:03 pm

I miss not being able to say to someone that I am HIV negative.  I miss the feeling of not having a positive diagnosis hanging over my head like a sword of damocles, ready to sever a new relationship.  I need to get over that and let it go, but I cant.

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: livingpositively on July 03, 2006, 12:01:57 am

Ignorance and naivite.  Not that those are bad things to have to let go of.  It is somewhat shameful that I really just buried my head in the sand where HIV is/was concerned.  Sometimes it takes a real swift kick in the ass to affect change.  I think I have received that kick.

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: allopathicholistic on July 03, 2006, 01:11:44 am

Quote from: cubbybear on July 02, 2006, 11:58:03 pm

I miss not being able to say to someone that I am HIV negative. 

Ditto - BUT I remember prior to 2000 I told 2 cuties that I was HIV negative ..however they didn't perk up and say "I'm negative too!" (If my memory is intact they said nothing)

They vanished without explanation. Oh well.

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: DanielMark on July 03, 2006, 06:43:41 am

I miss him because he was part of me and lead me to where I am today, for good and ill. But I'm changing, and he's being left behind.

To answer your question Andrew: I had to let go of self-defeating behaviours (among other things), and I don't want them back either.

Funny thing,  but the old me is still here ... only different. I think I like the new me better. I've grown by leaps and bounds since testing positive, mostly because I worked at it.

Daniel

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: Cliff on July 03, 2006, 07:20:47 am

I have to let go of the shame and guilt.  I've gotten much better about it, but it still rears its ugly head every now and then.  I suppose it's just me trying to have a self-pity party.  Those are never helpful.

So we just keep moving forward, yes!!!  Onwards and upwards, whatever that means.   :)

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: Jena on July 03, 2006, 08:14:14 am

I think the hardest thing for me is  the feeling of being " invincible" by that I mean, before becoming aware that I was positive  I never thought much about death, or dying or  when or how it was going to happen, but now its always there, sometimes in the forefront of my mind, sometimes  way back there somewhere, but always there...
 Also another thing I had to " give up" was the dream that "that guy" would someday realize he wanted me more than her... now I know he won't and I'm not wasting any more  time or tears on him, I can't afford too and  theres too many fish in the sea anyway!  ;D

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: Sky on July 03, 2006, 12:34:52 pm

Quote from: livingpositively on July 03, 2006, 12:01:57 am

Ignorance and naivite.  Not that those are bad things to have to let go of.  It is somewhat shameful that I really just buried my head in the sand where HIV is/was concerned.  Sometimes it takes a real swift kick in the ass to affect change.  I think I have received that kick.

Right there with ya! 

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: angels4kelly on July 03, 2006, 03:01:51 pm

I've had to give up a couple self-destructive behaviors that seemed awfully fun at the time,
but it really is for the best that I gave them up.
I just really miss my care-free self.
Now when I meet new people I feel like I have a secret and that I am different from them.
I really hate this feeling!  :'(
Peace,
Kelly  :)

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
Post by: naftalim on July 03, 2006, 07:32:35 pm

Ditto, or at least unprotected sex. More so, seeing attractive women every day, and knowing that I cant even begin to go there. Women that flirt with me and knowing that I cant even allow it to get into a conversation.

I guess I should be thankful that it happened at age 50 and not in my youth. I know 2 women who were infected in their early 20s, so that must be very very tough.

Quote from: Sdgirl on July 02, 2006, 11:09:01 pm

SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: rocket on July 03, 2006, 08:12:10 pm

I miss not being able to buy hand raised pet rats.I always looked forward to seeing them when I got home from work.never had to take them for walks in the winter,they were just like puppies though.I hate the fact I cant have rats anymore,thats just one of many things.

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: emeraldize on July 03, 2006, 10:07:35 pm

Do I miss intimacy? yes! But, I'm also an optimist and envision that, eventually, I will meet someone. So, as CalvinC rephrased, what I miss that is not really worth missing is that I can no longer donate blood; make apheresis donations or read ORGAN DONOR on my driver's license.

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: david25luvit on July 03, 2006, 10:33:48 pm

The relationship I had with my siblings...An older sister and a younger brother. 

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: kiki06 on July 03, 2006, 11:18:17 pm

I think for me it would be that care-freeness (is that a word), I always took for granted that I'd grow up, get married, and have children and see my grandchildren, etc... Now that's no longer a "sure bet" (although I do realiize that no body has that sure thing really). I do, however, have the belief that I WILL see my son grow up because of how far things have come, in 1996 at diagnosis, I wasn't so sure I'd ever have a child let alone see one grow up.

I, too, feel like a secret that I hide and really it SUCKS.

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: JohnOso on July 04, 2006, 04:07:56 am

Hmmm...maybe I was a bit too carefree before diagnosis.  I'd like to think i've focused on things more, but I haven't quite gotten there yet.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that my family and friends will always think of me, and in the very next millisecond think "AIDS."  I think that will pass with time though.

It'll have to -- a person could go crazy thinking like that, lol.    ;)

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: kcmetroman on July 04, 2006, 03:18:39 pm

Simple answer........Shame..

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: Basquo on July 04, 2006, 04:57:26 pm

My ex.

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: Oceanbeach on July 04, 2006, 11:07:58 pm

Dear Andrew,

I can't for the life of me think of ONE thing, I was able to keep.  I gave it all and got nothing back, only a fool gives a heart like that...
Michael

www.Commission-on-AIDS.org (http://www.Commission-on-AIDS.org)

Title: Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
Post by: sweetasmeli on July 05, 2006, 05:08:51 pm

Making love freely without a condom.

Don't get me wrong.
I was never promiscuous and never had unprotected sex outside of a long-term relationship.

But knowing that I will never ever experience that ultimate intimacy again...well, it really makes me cry. :'(