Confused about feelings of wanting to seroconvert.

[guynextdoor]

First let me say that I've been visiting the board for months as a guest before choosing to become a registered member.  The forums are a great resource for information and the different view points are very insightful.

I don't know where to begin.  I know there are people living with HIV that would give everything not to have it, and I know that there are countless others that have lost their lives to the virus that would have traded places with me in a heart beat.  This make these feelings even harder for me to grasp.

I enjoy sex and prefer it without condoms if given a choice. I am primarily a bottom and am well aware of the risks that come along with that behavior.  I test very regularly, probably every 6 weeks or so, and every time I get a negative test result I am both surprised and almost disappointed in a way.  I've had these feelings for about 8 years and they are very confusing.  I know they are not normal and certainly not healthy.

I've chatted with HIV+ men online about "seeding" me, but have never gone through with it, and furthermore I've never knowingly taken any positive loads.  I've read about the "fetishizing" of HIV but never really given it much thought until recently when my desire to seroconvert has become stronger.

Is this a common part of the gay psyche and maybe partly an issue of wanting to be in control of an often uncontrollable situation?

Has anyone on this forum experienced these feelings?

Let me say that I know how absurd I must sound. I've wrestled with these feelings for years but thought it was time to "speak them out loud" (or type them rather) to at the very least try and make sense of everything.

[Andy Velez]

Karry, I know your intentions are the best, but only those who are authorized to do so may respond to members in this forum. So please don't do it again.

Thanks for your cooperation. 

[Andy Velez]

Guy, it's actually good that you have spoken up about your situation and what you have been doing as far as unsafe anal intercourse is concerned. We really can't address this here in the serious manner it merits. I would strong urge you to see a therapist or other professional to discuss the matter.

I can say that once you have HIV it is forever. And whatever you are thinking about it now as you repeatedly risk your health and your life, well that is very different from the day to day reality of living with HIV.

You are by no means the first person I have heard these kinds of thoughts from. Get yourself some professional help before you cross a line from which there are no do-overs.

[Jeff G]

I moved your thread into the Am I Infected forum for lack of a better fit anywhere else .

We are a support forum for people living with HIV , as a HIV negative person you are not allowed to post in any other thread than this one for the time being .

You do not want HIV and I encourage you to go seek help for your mental health issues , we cant help you here with that . Get some counseling and deal with your issues before you do permanent harm to your self . Best of luck . 

[jkinatl2]

It's not absurd.

ANd I am not going to jump on you for expressing yuour feelings. If you think that you can afford the treatment, and can handle the stigma, your life is your own.

Even though this forum is not meant for HIV negtive people to discuss this, I offer one suggestion: Add HIV POSITIVE to your online profiles and see how things change. Pretend to be HIV positive for a bit. You might find that the reality does not match the fantasy.