Afraid to test...

[whosat]

Hi everyone! I'm not even completely sure why I am writing this thread, as I am pretty sure exactly what you will tell me. I have read about a million HIV stories on this site and others, so I sort of know the drill I suppose.

I guess i'll start from the start. About 6 months ago I was EXTREMELY drunk at a party. I was feeling really fucked up so I decided to go and lay on my friends bed. About 10 minutes into this, 2 girls entered the room. They were both good looking, and like I said I was extremely drunk so I decided to go along with it. I did not use a condom and I had sex with them both. One for a much longer time than the other. During this sex, one of them bit my penis - hard enough to leave a mark as I remember.

 I wake up in the morning feeling shame and guilt and I am extremely hungover. I was trying to get back together with my ex-girlfriend at this time so it was really killing me. HIV was not even on my mind at this point, although I knew I had put myself at risk for other STDs by having sex with such obviously  promiscuous girls.

2 weeks later and I am visiting the UK for a wedding. During the wedding, my family and aquintances
got incredibly drunk. As I live overseas, we get to see eachother very rarely, so we were drinking excessively to celebrate. Long story short, I end up going home to my hotel with a girl. We had no condom but she promised me she was clean and that she had just gotten a STD test a few months prior. In my state of mind I agreed to have not only unprotected vaginal sex, but also unprotected anal sex. I know, I am a complete moron, but truthfully, at this point in my life, HIV was just not a concern - it was some foreign concept that didn't exist in my world.


So I get back to the states, and go to the doctor, and find out through my carelessness I have contracted genital warts. Im not sure which encounter I got it from, but I think with all likelihood it was the second encounter. The doctor told me I should take an HIV test.


....HIV, what? Holy shit, im not gay! This is a risk to me? This is where the very real statistics of HIV became known to me, and my ignorance was unwillingly stripped away. This is where I found out that HIV is still a problem, and that you bet your ass that hetrosexuals can and do get it.

Since the most recent encounter, about 3 or 4 weeks afterwards I had an incredibly bad flu/sinus infection. It was one of the worst ive had in my life, since then, I have gone through a plethora of symptoms. Now, I already know that the first post will be that "symptoms are not an accurate sign of infection", but it IS these symptoms that scare me so much and make me unable to test.

Im sure im missing some, but here is a list:

- Numbing in hands and feet
- Rash in various parts of body
- Sore muscles
- Constant fatigue
- Constant depression
- Constand anxiety
- Night sweats (wake up drenched sometimes)
- Weird marks and bumps in different areas of my body
- Sore throat
- Generally not feeling very well for a long period of time

Now, the last encounter was over 6 months ago. I have become pretty much an alcoholic. I have spent a large portion of my student loan on alcohol and drugs in order to keep my mind off HIV. I know this is the most irresponsible route ever, but it is the only thing I can do (short of actually getting tested! Ha!). I am now back with my girlfriend, and she has been complaining of strange ailments as of late. I am also terrified that I have given her the virus even if I did contract it! We always practice safe sex however, except for one time (while drunk, surprise surprise!).

I have dropped out of most of my classes at uni, I pretty much stopped going to my job, I drink excessively to negate my feelings, and I feel like a huge piece of shit who is depressed all the time. I NEED to get on with my life. I miss enjoying nature, and just the regular things that I seem to not be able to focus on at this time.


I don't really know why im even posting this. I hope I can get some sort of encouragement or anything. It took me weeks to finally register her and even longer to get the courage to write this post. Any help is greatly appreciated.

Thank you all

[RapidRod]

You had unprotected sex so you need to test. You can test now and the test will be conclusive.

[Ann]

who,

Put the bottle down, cut the drama, gather your balls and GO GET TESTED! Quit throwing your life away over something you might not even have. Your symptoms mean nothing and are not hiv specific.

GO TEST!

You will not be permitted to use this forum to wring your hands over your lack of backbone where getting tested is concerned. Go test and let us know how you get on.

Good luck. Chances are definitely in your favour that you'll test negative.

Now go do it.

Ann

[whosat]

Hey again. I obviously know I NEED to test, but the problem is finding the courage to do so. Are there any tips that any of you know that would help me convince myself to go?

I was not trying to cause drama, I was simply stating what my state of mind is like right now. I am not embellishing, I am truthfully stating whats been going on in my mind.

Believe it or not this is a pretty big deal to me, and its not just something I can "suck up" and get through with. The reprecussions on my life will be absolutely massive aswell as devastating if I have it. I will lose my girlfriend (who I have been dating on and off for 8 years), I will lose my family (my parents would FLIP), and i've already lost my job and got a nice little alcohol addiction going on.

I just have no idea how to proceed. I might see if I can order a home test kit or something, as I feel going to the doctors office may be too much for me.

Any ideas?

[RapidRod]

Why would the reprecussions on your life be any different from the people on this forum that have had HIV for years? If you can't pick up your balls as Ann suggested, I say grow some and get yourself tested.
If you were man enough to have sex then you are man enough to go test and take responsibilty for your health. Your momma wasn't in the room when you had sex so you don't need your mamma to go with you to test. Go get tested.

[Ann]

Who,

You can do one of two things.

One, you can go test and collect what's most likely a negative result.

Two, you can continue your downward spiral into alcoholism and self-pity and only end up testing when they MAKE you test in a rehab clinic - where you'll probably feel pretty silly when you test negative after thowing years of your life away into a bottle.

Cut the drama and go test.

See a counselor about your inability to take responsibility for your actions by testing and about your alcohol dependency. Neither are healthy - but we cannot help you with those things here.

Ann

[whosat]

Thanks to both of you.

In order to salvage whats left of my integrity, I just wanted to say that normally I have absolutely no issues in confronting and solving my problems, and i've never had any substance abuse prior to this. It seems to be a bit of a special case for me internally.

Again, im not really sure what I was expecting when I made this post. I guess I was just hoping someone would say something magical that would all of a sudden convince me to test.

I'm not sure when im going to be able to convince myself to test, but I will be sure to return with the result Thanks again.

[whosat]

I feel like I need more advice.

I don't even know what i'm looking for

Someone help please. Ugh. I feel so lost - too many emotions.

[Andy Velez]

Seems like you don't like the feelings you're having. The problem when you get into that state of mind is the conflict because of how feelings stick like crazy glue when you try to push them away.

What you need to do is breathe. Take nice deep and slow breaths in and out whenever you're getting tense. Good breathing really helps and you need to remember to to do it.

As far as testing is concerned, you can go in and get it done even when you feel like a wreck. In all likelihood you are going to test negative. And I think we both know that eventually you're going to do it. So then the only question is how long you're going to torture yourself (unnecessarily).

Lay off of all this drama and just get the test done and keep us posted. Fingers crossed for you here.

Cheers.