POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Pre-HAART Long-Term Survivors => Topic started by: GoodMatchHawaiiRetreat on March 05, 2011, 04:09:36 pm
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Should be grateful to have survived HIV for 26 years. Today I'm having an incredibly hard time being grateful.
Lost my lover of 11 years many years ago. And so many close friends.
So much to be grateful for, financial security, live in paradise, excellent health, meditation and yoga practice, friends. And TODAY i'm feeling the absence of a like-hearted man to share life's journey with. I would find myself to be great husband material: Huge and generous heart, good education, sense of humor, adventurous, compassionate, present, sensual, aware, conscious, creative, artistic, devoted. Yet single......
Granted I have been very independent, and am perfectly capable of caring for myself. What is it in this universe I need to be aware of to allow significant relationship back into my life?
Trusting the universe that love will come my way. Setting out to love the god in each and every one around me. Asking the universe for companionship.
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You ask a question that a lot of us have over the years. Yes relationships are possible. I am in a sero-discordant realtionship with someone who had no qualms about being with someone who is HIV+. Nor did he balk when I was diagnosed with cancer of an unpleasant nature just a few months after us getting together. But the thing I have found though, is it really helps to examine WHY you want a realationship very closely. I think that for a lot of people that are looking, it is because of being scared to be alone. When I met Norm, I was at a point where I was quite comfortable to live the rest of my life as a single man. For me this was the key. There is a difference between wanting a realtionship and needing a relationship. If you feel you need one, you may be tempted to try to force one to work that will not. On the other hand, I think that when a person gets to the point that they no longer feel the need to have a relationship, and are comfortable being and living alone, they develop a sense of confidence and assuredness that is noticeable to others, which can help draw people to you. But you really have to be okay with the idea of living alone because it still may be in the cards for you. When I realized that I was quite happy to live alone, it was a liberating experience.
I remember when I feltit was time that it might be nice to meet someone, I took it up with the Universe/God/Whoever runs the Show. I asked for a boyfriend. Nothing serious, just someone to have dinner with once or twice a week. Nothing serious because I didn't really want that. But I also left it up to the Powers That Be to decide. I said out loud, that I only wanted this if it would be good for me, and that if I were better off alone, I was fine with that too. You decide, I'm just along for the ride, I'm content either way.
A week later, I met Norm. The rest is history.
Just my two cents worth.
CaptCarl
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very much in the same situation here ,been hiv + for almost 25 yrs,been pretty much single for the past 15 yrs ,have tried relationships both with positive guys and negative and have turned out very bad!!i've lost all my friend ,almost 20 guys to aids.i've literally stopped trying to make new friends because it's a totally different generation of guys out there and i just don't have the desire to deal with all the games,drama,drugs,alchol,casual sex,it's just too much !!so i'm preety much alone but i'm not lonely just alone!!!i don't wonder or dream anymore if i will ever find that special someone,i really don't think he exists and to tell you the truth i think its just tTOO LATE for guys who are over 50 and have been positive for so long!!
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i think its just tTOO LATE for guys who are over 50 and have been positive for so long!!
I know plenty of +50 poz guys that are single. Or are you just aiming for something a lot younger, hence the drama and drugs?
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well it seems that all i attract are these younger guys ,maybe beacuse i dont look my age,i take of my body,weight everyday plenty of rest,no alchol or drugs ,no smoking ,all the older guys i meet are so set in that slow lifestyle ,they drink and smoke and are fixtures in those sleezyy ass bars that i hate!!
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I can only say : yes, even after almost 27 years of being poz, yes, relations are possible.
I met a guy in 92 en we got married in 2003. Unfortunately he met someone else and we are now divorced.
There is a difference between wanting a realtionship and needing a relationship.
cfr Capcarl
I fully agree on that.
Two years ago I met a young Polish boy online and he moved to Belgium and we lived together for over one year. We split last year in March, but we still see each other every day and he is now opening up his own painting company in Belgium.
He found out I was poz after our first conversation ... yes, internet ins't very discrete. But he accepted is and we had a wonderful time together. but.. at that time I NEEDED a relationship.
Hence it took me 6 months of grieving to get over him.
Last November I met a 46 year old man online. This time I decided that I would enjoy a relationship, but I told him I wasn't looking for one. We slowly got to know each other ( no sex btw) and after 3 weeks I told him I was poz. We have now been seeing each other for 4 months and things are going well.
What is important however is that I did not give up my life for him. He has an excecutive position and works a lot. I have much more time but I do yoga, take classes and walk my dogs a lot. And we see each other twice a week.
So, it is complimentary in my life, not a " being dependant" sort of thing.
So.... just try to look it that way .. and if not a love, a good friend may come out of any meeting you will have in the future
Wish you the best xx Hermie
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I can totally relate to these posts.
I am grateful to be doing OK. I just wish many of my good friends and close family members who have passed on were here.
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well it seems that all i attract are these younger guys ,maybe beacuse i dont look my age,i take of my body,weight everyday plenty of rest,no alchol or drugs ,no smoking ,all the older guys i meet are so set in that slow lifestyle ,they drink and smoke and are fixtures in those sleezyy ass bars that i hate!!
You sound dreamy. I guess I drew a high card in the gene pool cuz everyone pegs me about 10-15 years younger than I really am. Luckily I haven't had to resort to any work, yet. Of course 10-15 years younger than older than dirt, is still dirt. Oh and I still smoke and drink.
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I have to admit I go through periods where I agonize over relationships. Do I need one? No. I've been single for 8+ years now, and can manage quite well. Do I want one? Yes. So far, I haven't had much (any) luck in that department. People say you can't "find" a relationship, or go looking for a partner. I'm not sure I completely buy that. You're not going to meet anyone if you don't open up, and put yourself out there. Yet you can also try "too hard". I'm sure I've been on both ends of that spectrum
For me, what I've been focusing on what is envisioning what I want a relationship and a partner to be. I imagine (maybe wrongfully) that this comes naturally to most people, but somehow I missed the boat. I want to be close to someone. But the "white picket fence" paradigm, in thee sense of dating, marriage, house in the suburbs, hasn't quite worked for me (though I did almost buy a cute house with a picket fence when I moved last year).
I'm frustrated (angry) that I'm 46, and I'm still trying to figure out where I "fit in", who I fit in with, and why that seems so damn difficult. But I know I'll be a lot better off as I work on that, regardless of whether I ever find a partner.
I know I'm talking about me, rather than providing advice to the original poster, but writing all this sure has helped me feel better.
Regards,
Henry
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What I would offer is that you look for a relationship that works for you. I say this, because only you know what you want from life, so don't make the mistake of looking for someone, based on what others think a relationship should be. Being gay, we are already presented with the thought of our parents marriage as being the road to happiness, however, that is a road that is still closed to us, in most of the states. So we start out, with a relationship example, that we can emulate in spirit, but that we cannot fully experience and they wonder why some of us have such skewed views of love.
What I did, was to simply look for a man, who made my heart smile. I always "knew" what I wanted in my man, but I learned, the hard way, that what you want, is not always what you need. For me, the key to any relationship is that you share a unique personal bond, with that special someone and what that means, is up to the two of you to define. I will never be able to live the relationship that others aspire to, because I am not them and I want to live the life of my choosing.
Personally, if you really want someone in your life, then you get out and make yourself known and start by looking for friends at first and then see what develops.
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I have been thinking about this thread for a couple off days.Then I discover that Killfolie can read my brain. And express my thoughts better.
t
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Too late for a relationship?
I know how to love, I love my housemate. I just lost my mom, (1,1/2yrs) I loved her. I would have loved to love, but I gave up trying. HIV takes alot away from us. For some, it seems to just barely slow them down, for many it's a deep emotional trauma. I belong to the latter. I searched deep inside myself and asked myself about a relationship. I just can't do it. Even in my dreams. I have dreams where my perfect man is in the perfect place, waiting for me, and I can't. I allways walk away. Damn it anyway. It's been like that since I was diagnosed positive, all those years ago.
Bertram
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Too late for a relationship?
I know how to love, I love my housemate. I just lost my mom, (1,1/2yrs) I loved her. I would have loved to love, but I gave up trying. HIV takes alot away from us. For some, it seems to just barely slow them down, for many it's a deep emotional trauma. I belong to the latter. I searched deep inside myself and asked myself about a relationship. I just can't do it. Even in my dreams. I have dreams where my perfect man is in the perfect place, waiting for me, and I can't. I allways walk away. Damn it anyway. It's been like that since I was diagnosed positive, all those years ago.
Bertram
I've been in serodiscordant relationship for the last 17 yrs. with a wonderful guy name Bob (Robert), so YES it's always possible, if you really want it, but remember it takes 2 to tango, just make sure you know what you both want in that relationship, ( make sure your both on the same page) and don't ever let being POZ be a deterrent, I've met a lott of wonderful non-poz-guys, most people aren't that dam shallow about HIV/AIDS and this disease has been around for a very long time, find someone that likes YOU
for who & what you are, NOT for your disease, and you'll be just fine, life is too dam short anyway ;)
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Dennis, I believe you are right. I have slowly, but surely, led myself down a path to self destruction. This is the first time in all this time I've thought seriously of changing my behaviour. Perhaps 2011 may be a tilting point. I'm going to work on it.
I'll tell you a little tale that happened last summer. I had been shopping at Safeway, it was a nice day, I decided to stay at the cafe for a while. I got a mocha, a paper, and a table beside the window/sidewalk. I was enjoying watching the passer's by, when a young man with an ice cream cone came by. We both made eye contact, so I smiled, as did he. But then he turned back towards me, he came closer to the window, and began loving, licking that ice-cream cone for all it was worth! He would slow down when a pedestrian passed, and resume when it was clear. That ice-cream cone did'nt stand a chance! What a show! Only in the West End, I thought, only in the West End. :-*
It was at this point, a friend of mine saw me and sat down. "Hey, what's up." he ask's. My ice-cream man was gone............. Boo hoo.......but it was fun watching.
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It was at this point, a friend of mine saw me and sat down. "Hey, what's up." he ask's. My ice-cream man was gone............. Boo hoo.......but it was fun watching.
Next time act FAST and get a phone # or email address ;) you could have invited him to sit down, while he licked on that cone, and you could have exchanged info that way ;D
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soryass
Thats whats called a "zipless fuck". I've had a few of those too. Hot stuff.
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soryass
Thats whats called a "zipless fuck". I've had a few of those too. Hot stuff.
:D :D :D
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:(Well me being a single black woman and going through this monster in me have been rejected so much by dudes that even though I am kinda used to it and all it still hurts like hell it's like a new womb being picked at. I often wonder would a man want me and accept me and really mean but then I get to thinking wow maybe that man ain't out there for me maybe I am a germ that noone wants IDK I just try to deal with this but I am very lonely and that leads to depression and then leads to sexually frustration :-\ I don't know if or when I will find a man and I was dignoised in 05 and since then noone wants me and I don't have to many friends noone really checks on me or stops by and I stay with my mom which she accepts me bt that is my mom I think of if something happen to my mom where would I go and how can I survie I don't even know to tell you the truth but to tell yall something my mom do not go to the doctor appointments with me that do hurt so bad it is like I am alone and then I get to thinking maybe if I had that special man in my life that truely supported me and was there for me I would be not so alone. The man I am suppose to be with hmmmmmm....He stays in chicago and I ain't seen him since last year on the month of my bday(September) and the begining of Octocber of last year isn't that sad he don't call the only thing he does for me is pay for my internet and cable bill and cellphone bill but I don't feel loved at all WOW!
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Dear Hattershateme225,
First, we are very glad you are here and a member of the forums. I'm also sorry to hear about what you're going through. There's a lot of strength, support, wisdom and friendship to be found here and I hope that you'll keep looking to connect.
That said, this specific forum, for Long Term Survivors (LTSs), is a closed forum that only allows others who are LTSs to post here. If you go to the very first post in this specific forum you can see the welcome message and the rules. It's important to look at those first, as all of our forums have their own rules (e.g. only women can post in the women's forum, HIV-negative or unknown folks can only post in Am I Infected, etc.).
Again, we're glad you're here, but do read the guidelines in each forum first.
Thanks!
David
Moderator
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[/Dear David Thank you first off for welcoming me and all I am poz dear ain't no question bout that been that way since 2005 did I do something wrong or anything why do I have to go back to the begining of the instruction again I thought I was posting to the topic when I type that let me know ok Thank You
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Hatter:
Please see our Long-Term Survivors forum introduction here:
http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=11166.0 (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=11166.0)
It reads:
This forum is a safe place for long-term survivors (LTS), defined as people living with HIV who tested positive for the virus before the advent of highly active antiretroviral therapy (HAART) in 1996. This forum is a result of LTS members petitioning for a place to discuss issues unique to those who lived with a diagnosis of HIV through the initial decades of the AIDS epidemic.
If you have any further questions about this, please send me a PM; let's no hijack this thread regarding this particular issue.
Tim Horn