Scared of Everything/ Blaming myself

[potter1002]

Hi

I tested positive last year.  i had slept with a guy who was 15 years younger than me and he told me he tested positive and it was me who gave it to him.  I went to the doctor and i was very ill.  she told me i was living with this disease for quite some time.  In the next few weeks i had informed the other people i was intimate with and realized I infected 4 guys under the age of thirty.  I was sad and angry with myself.  My ex of 12 years died this dec of aids and i cant stop thinking im next.

My doctor immediately put me on atripla and im undetectable at the moment with a cd4 over 450.  when i was diagnosed a year ago my viral load was 288,000 and a cd4 of 265.

I want to live and be healthy and i am just afraid to die.  I cant sleep and im scared of the young people i infected with the disease.  I am afraid of what will happen to them. 

I dont know what to do.  I have tried to reach out to them and it seems like they arent having it. 

i havent told my family because they just wont understand. 

[Jeff G]

Hi Potter , welcome to the forums . Its understandable that you are feeling the way you do , you have had way too much heartache and pain for one man to bare in the last year .

It may be a cold comfort but you are taking responsibility for your infection and taking precautions to prevent new ones . You are doing what you can so please remember that you did not intentionally infect anyone and you reached out to those that may have been at risk . I think you will find you are not alone since you found us .     

[wolfter]

Welcome to the forums.  I understand wanting to place blame, but it's not always necessary to do so.  Your partners also had the ability to practice safer sex and chose not to. 

There is no reason to not believe you can be healthy and live a long time.  Your numbers are fine.

Wolfie

[potter1002]

thank you both for the kind words

[phillypinko]

Hi

I tested positive last year.  i had slept with a guy who was 15 years younger than me and he told me he tested positive and it was me who gave it to him.  I went to the doctor and i was very ill.  she told me i was living with this disease for quite some time.  In the next few weeks i had informed the other people i was intimate with and realized I infected 4 guys under the age of thirty.  I was sad and angry with myself.  My ex of 12 years died this dec of aids and i cant stop thinking im next.

My doctor immediately put me on atripla and im undetectable at the moment with a cd4 over 450.  when i was diagnosed a year ago my viral load was 288,000 and a cd4 of 265.

I want to live and be healthy and i am just afraid to die.  I cant sleep and im scared of the young people i infected with the disease.  I am afraid of what will happen to them. 

I dont know what to do.  I have tried to reach out to them and it seems like they arent having it. 

i havent told my family because they just wont understand. 

If those guys were having unsafe sex with you they could have been having unsafe sex with 12 other infected guys. There is no way to know for sure that you infected them.

[potter1002]

thank you

If those guys were having unsafe sex with you they could have been having unsafe sex with 12 other infected guys. There is no way to know for sure that you infected them.

[klassykitty]

Potter,
Welcome to the forums.  You are headed in the right directions.  You took the responsibility and reached out to the other guys it is up to them to do the rest.

You will live, be healthy, and happy.  You will know when it's  time to tell your family and other people.  I have told some of my family but not most, I'm selective with who I tell and don't tell.

When you have questions these guys here are great with answers and suggestions.  For the most part trust them as much as I trust my doctor.

Michelle 

[oksikoko]

Hi

I tested positive last year.  i had slept with a guy who was 15 years younger than me and he told me he tested positive and it was me who gave it to him.  I went to the doctor and i was very ill.  she told me i was living with this disease for quite some time.  In the next few weeks i had informed the other people i was intimate with and realized I infected 4 guys under the age of thirty.  I was sad and angry with myself.  My ex of 12 years died this dec of aids and i cant stop thinking im next.

Welcome, Potter. It takes two to tango. You didn't give them HIV any more than they took it from you. It sounds like no one did anything they didn't consent to. Kudos for trying to inform past partners when others might have just written those folks off.

But I've infected at least one person too, so I think I understand the feeling.

My doctor immediately put me on atripla and im undetectable at the moment with a cd4 over 450.  when i was diagnosed a year ago my viral load was 288,000 and a cd4 of 265.

I want to live and be healthy and i am just afraid to die.

Your numbers are moving in the right direction. HIV is not a death sentence anymore. The life expectancy of someone on treatment approaches normal these days, so try to think positive if you can (or want to). I, for one, will probably live longer than I would have since I live a little bit healthier now.

i havent told my family because they just wont understand. 

We understand, though. And there's always someone here reading, even at crazy hours of the night when you need to talk.