I miss him so much...

[Hito]

I wasn't going to post this, or even mention it, but I don't know what else to do.

I had the most wonderful lover in the entire world. He was sweet, kind, caring, funny, mesmerizing, beautiful, thoughtful and caring to a fault.

I contracted this virus after we got into a very big fight one night. I got pissed off and went down to the city and got piss drunk and wound up sleeping with some guy. A few weeks later I sero-converted, still not knowing what it was. He took care of me during my conversion, driving me to and from the doctor and staying with me in bed, all while thinking that I could have HIV, and he didn't say a thing (he just didn't tell me until I tested) My lover new I had cheated, but was gracious about it anyway. I felt like human trash and still do to do this day.

In September after we celebrated our year and a half anniversary was when I started noticing weird things going on with my body, mainly my lymph nodes. Having remembered that encounter one week later I took the test. The test came back positive. I didn't even give a shit that I was infected, I just burst out into tears in front of the nurse. The nurse was very comforting and just kept telling me that it was going to be OK. "We have medicines for this now, you can live a long and healthy life, please don't be sad." When I actually had collected myself enough to respond the only thing I could say was "I don't care about myself, I just hope my partner doesn't have it." The nurse looked stunned and said she had never heard that before. (She was very young and seemed new to her field) I couldn't see my partner until a week later, but every night was a new world of pain that grew until I saw him.

Telling my partner was the hardest thing I had ever done in my entire life. Harder than coming out, harder than moving across the world, harder and more frightening than everything, but when I told him and as I collapsed into a puddle..... he just held me. He just held me and said everything was going to be alright. He kissed me, he took me in his lap and embraced me. He stayed with me that night and It was the first night in A VERY LONG TIME that I felt OK.

We were unsure of our relationship until December when my birthday came, then everything seemed to just go back to normal. He tested negative in November and he decided to retest in January. It wasn't until after his retest (he was negative) that he came over, returned the things a I had gave him over the years and ended our relationship stating "I'm just too scared of the disease."  I cried for a good three hours that night. It has been three weeks since then.

There is no way I could blame him. I cheated, I got this disgusting virus and I exposed him to something so terrible that if he had been positive, I don't think I could have lived with myself.

I have tried to move on, but I just can't. Everywhere I go I see his face. He is a shadow next to me in whatever I do. We did everything together.

 I even tried to have some casual sex a few days ago, I couldn't even bring myself to kiss the guy (and he was very cute). Today at work I had to fight with every fiber of my being to not cry in front of my students. So many of them came up to me and asked what was wrong, all I could tell them was that I didn't get any sleep.

I don't know how to move on. I can't forget him, I still love him so much. It hurts. I had the most perfect man on the planet and I lost him. I can't even be held by the man I love. And I can't shake this helpless feeling that I will never be loved the same way again. I feel like I am toxic. I don't know what to do. I feel alone, ashamed, helpless and defeated. I feel like scum, and I am even more ashamed that I would want to be with him and risk him becoming positive like me.

I just don't know what to do. I would give anything to have him back.

I'm sorry to dump this, but I am sick of crying, I am sick of this pain. It feels like I am being ripped apart. I hate myself for what I did.

I guess I'm paying the piper.

I think I'm going to take a nap. Sleep is really the only solace I have lately.

Thanks for reading. Don't do what I did.

[BT65]

Hi Hito,
It's perfectly understandable why you feel so raw.  It's a very recent hurt so of course you're going to feel like you do, if you felt fine then it would mean you didn't really care about that relationship. 

If you start to feel like you can't get out of bed I would consider getting counseling just to talk out what happened and how you will move forward.  I know right now it seems like your life won't go on, but it does.  Just give yourself time to grieve the loss.  It's good you're still going to work, that at least makes the time pass.  Just hang in there, it will get better even if it doesn't seem like it will right now.

Betty

[Hito]

Thank you Betty. I've ever been so emotionally crippled in my entire life.

The worst part is having this dread that I'll never find love now. As I get older, one night stands and flings are losing their rush and Ecstasy factor.

Who can love me like this? I am disrespecting the entire community by saying this, but I am talk from a void of fear, solitude and self doubt. Please forgive me.

[Wade]

Hito, Don't be so hard on yourself, the only thing you did wrong was make a mistake.
You are certainly not "toxic" and have nothing to feel ashamed about.  Time heals and you will meet someone caring to spend your life with.
Be strong and hold your head high, thats an attractive quality in someone.

Hugs, Wade

[Jim Allen]

Hito.

Sorry you are feeling this way. Trust me I do know and it sucks.

Time does heal but look you do need to believe there is more fish in sea for you and like others have said if you finding you can't get out of bed anymore than its time to talk to someone professional, even if its just to vent and talk to hep you past this.

Who can love me like this? I am disrespecting the entire community by saying this, but I am talk from a void of fear, solitude and self doubt. Please forgive me.

The HIV community ? Does not matter whatever one you mean as end of the day we are all human and it comes with highs and lows in our lives, this is low for you but things will get better.

This takes time and are you in a rush? Good things can't be rushed.

Jim 

[Hito]

Jim and Wade,

Thank you both. I am trying to put myself back out there. I have also made plans to go down to the gay district in Tokyo and try to have some fun. I also have plans to meet two Japanese men who I talk with on a Japanese message board who want to talk with me in person.

There is no bad blood between my ex and me, and he wants to be friends, but I asked him if he could wait a little while to contact me, at least until I feel ready to talk with him without getting all emotional.

I am going to get through this.

[DANIELtakashi]

Glad that you are feeling better.
Up in the north of your area is lwate and they have beautiful high mountains.
Please look north and enjoy their dynamics.  I love lwate as much as l love your home state.

[DANIELtakashi]

For hundreds of years before the Edo period started,  people in Tohoku had resisted being controlled by the central governments like Kyoto and Kamakura in spite of poverty and had survived the hardship. In the Meiji. Taisho, and early Showa times, the local people, most of whom were peasants, lived extremely poor lives.  That is shown in the drama series OSHIN.  The Tohoku people are with toughness and dignity and are warm- hearted.  You are lucky to be in that community.
I am in Tokyo, not  knowing who is living nextdoor .

[Dan88]

Having remembered that encounter one week later I took the test. The test came back positive.

What kind of test did you take? I find it hard to believe it would come back positive after just one week of being infected. Are you sure you didn't have risky sexual relationships before that? It's also hard to get infected after just one night stand (although it does happen.)

Anyway... I know this sounds corny, but time heals all wounds. Just get out of your home, go out with friends, eat healthy and drink lots of water. Your feelings are not going to go away any time soon, so you'll have to learn how to handle them. If you feel it's too much to handle, get psychological help. I've been there and crying and letting it all out has helped me a lot. One day you'll meet someone else who won't be afraid of being with you. Don't lose hope! 

[Hito]

What kind of test did you take? I find it hard to believe it would come back positive after just one week of being infected. Are you sure you didn't have risky sexual relationships before that? It's also hard to get infected after just one night stand (although it does happen.)

Anyway... I know this sounds corny, but time heals all wounds. Just get out of your home, go out with friends, eat healthy and drink lots of water. Your feelings are not going to go away any time soon, so you'll have to learn how to handle them. If you feel it's too much to handle, get psychological help. I've been there and crying and letting it all out has helped me a lot. One day you'll meet someone else who won't be afraid of being with you. Don't lose hope! 

I seroconverted at the end of June last year, I just didn't know what it was. It was 3 months before I took the test.

[Iceblubud]

Hi Hito,
    I started crying after reading the first few sentences of your "vent". I really understand what you're experiencing. We really don't know what we have, until we lose it. But somewhere in this whole crazy business of loving and living, I truly believe we can find that special something that we all have deep inside. We just have to love ourselves again, to finally forgive ourselves for all the stupid things we did. Our family here in poz.com, have always been a great stabilizing influence .I guess finding kindness  among strangers provides solace and peace in my "positive" life now. Don't despair... love will find you again.😘

Ric

[waterduck]

unknowingly , you walked yourself into this 'storm'...... let it rains & pours .....
you see you just need to let these 'dirt' get washed off...... when the sun is out , and you are ready to welcome , acknowledge the new 'you' , you will then be able to face him and get him back into your life , why.........I had the most wonderful lover in the entire world. He was sweet, kind, caring, funny, mesmerizing, beautiful, thoughtful and caring to a fault. ...........He just held me and said everything was going to be alright. He kissed me, he took me in his lap and embraced me. He stayed with me that night and It was the first night in A VERY LONG TIME that I felt OK.
these are your own words , so you need to forgive yourself first .......and all the rest will follow in good time ...............Anata ni ōku no kōtei-tekina enerugī o okurimasu.

just another waterduck

[Hito]

It's been a while since I have made any posts, but I figured an update was in order.

This last month has seen my life make a complete and utter turn around. At the end of April , very unexpectedly, my ex showed up at my door and said he wanted to talk. I guess he was experiencing the same feelings I was. He said he was only tuly happy when he was with me, thought of me every day and wanted to resolve things so we could be together again. Given I had only seen him once since January I figured this would never happen. He said he had done more research on treatment and the virus and now know that he will be comfortable with me even if I am infected. He realized that if we are safe and I am undetectable he will be OK. We spent the next few days together to make up for lost time and I was happier than I had been in a long long time. It felt like nothing had ever happened. I am so happy to have my love back in my life. He is so amazing. I think we hed each-other for a few hours that day.

I don't know if PreP is available in Japan, but I intend to talk with my doctor about it on my next visit.

As far as treatment goes, I made the switch from Triueq to Genvoya. This was a personal choice do to a few kidney protein spikes and I wanted to see if this will make a difference. It has only been a week since the switch, but we will see how it goes on my next visit to the doctor.

Life has gotten far better, as well as my CD4 numbers and I eel like I am on cloud nine.

Thanks for reading.

[Ptrk3]

Thanks for the update, Hito.  I'm glad that things have been getting better for you all around.  Congratulations and best wishes for continued good health and in renewing your relationship with your partner.