A Hand to Hold.... Positively

[Blackgold]

I am back here again and now I have definitely 'earned' the right to post on this forum...

 Years back, life threw me a painful shot (my fiancé was diagnosed HIV positive while I was negative) and I thought; why not? painful or not, it could be converted to a stepping stone (the optimism of youth   and all I needed was to be strong for him cos it wasnt a death sentence or so we were told. And they said we could live a normal life, have kids if we wanted, and live to a grand old age then die of natural causes like every other person.
hhhhhmmmmmmmm..... well that was the dream, the reality is proving to be a nightmare!
We got married, 2years later he started ART, three more years and he literally just died; one day he was fine, the next he was a little ill, went into hospital and passed away! That was it, 'the dream' was gone and the only explanation I got was that it was an AIDS related complication. Wwwwwwwwwwwhhhhaat??? happened to the dream? the assurances of life? the hope of having children? being normal?
what happens now? I was gradually losing my mind and the negative result was to be my last ever HIV test, nothing was going to make me go through the horror of testing again. After all, if I had faith I will never be HIV positive! or so I thought.
My husband's death took me to the deepest and the darkest place there is in life, it was a struggle to get up and live again. I was determined to at least understand what possibly went wrong, so I started studying anything I could find on the internet remotely related to HIV. I didn't find much that made sense  but I found this site: it was heaven sent and a lot of things made sense to me and I wondered how come I had never found this before.
From my research, I discovered that I could be also be HIV+ cos one negative result (2004) was no guarantee and living in denial could also be death in the waiting. My personal nightmare was just about to begin, now it could be me and not someone else I could encourage and practice my amateur psychology skills about living positively. Since I had moved to the UK, I didnt know how to go about getting tested and still keeping it away from friends and family who already suspected my husbands status, were murmuring and wondering when I was going to die too.
So I posted a note on this site asking for more info and God sent me an angel believe it or not, in the form of a HIV counselor who told me it was best to get tested and it wont be the end of the world if I turned out to be positive. After a chat with the counselor I decided to do the test as soon as possiple cos I wasnt coping well with not knowing and with dealing with my grief. I had hope, cos I have never been seriously ill, I had no symptoms, no weight loss or anything to worry me so far so I actually believed it will be negative again. My angel as I think of the counselor, said not to worry that they would make sure I get all the support I need to get through the test whatever the result. Ssssssoooooo.... I made an appointment and went in for the test.
The counselor got another person and they both sat me down and told me as much as I could absorb about being positive and living a normal life again if i were to be HIV+ cos they had been living positively for about 10years, and I wasnt to expect what had happened to my husband to happen to me.
Lo and behold I went in for the test and it was POSITIVE!    wow.....  I just couldn't stop crying my life flashed through my eyes, all the choices I have made and possibly the ones I wont be able to make and how short my life is and probably will be, And the difficulties ahead. My life had just ended before my eyes with a simple test.
It took me 7 hours to get home and I just couldn't stop crying no matter what I tried the tears just wont stop flowing for 2 days I was shattered, when I got home, I brought out all the anti-depressants I had gotten from my GP during the funeral and all the sleeping pills I had, sorted them out and started cleaning my house, and I lay down wondering if I should take matters in my own hands and really choose my destiny, fate and death, not live it up to medics and AIDS.
Somehow I got talking to my new friend and that jolted me out of the slump which is in its small way suicide; the cowards way out.......
Day 3 today and I think am doing better and I have thrown out the drugs and am clear headed enough to write this very therapeutic post as I cant talk to anyone else about all this. I am hoping that someone else going through a similar situation will get some encouragement. Am not there yet but the outlook is improving and that deep darkness is now slightly hazy.
While in the hospital I watched the counselors in action and decided there and then that no matter my HIV status, I was going to train to be a HIV counselor myself, and master art of being there even for a total stranger, holding their hands without judging or asking questions. If someone sees a little light in my actions then maybe that is my purpose on earth.
I hope everyone on this forum holds the memories of their diagnosis dear, cos it determines how a newly positive person will be made or broken. I pray I never get to the point where I feel immune to other's feeling and take them for granted.

I sincerely thank my angel of mercy, found on this forum, for holding a total stranger's hand, saying; I have been there before and I know it will get better, "my life actually started after I was diagnosed HIV+" those words struck a cord and am holding onto them and hoping that life will real just start for me too. If you ever read this post then I hope you never lose your sense of humour and for what ever reason you choose this career path, you have indeed been a blessing to at least one person. Thank you! 

[TabooPrincess]

You brought tears to my eyes...I'm so sorry for your sad story.  I hope you can rise again.  Stand tall or don't stand at all.

Much love and thoughts are with you, I don't know what else to say right now.