mental health and me

[em]

I keep getting depressed then after a while became manic going without sleep. Until I get in state of sort of like a vision guest were I am worked up into a state of euphoria and then dementia very very nice feeling I mite ad. Then l I get locked up for it someone always decides.  I need to get help for the way I am acting ??

OK fine my mother and father used to both get in these states of mind. I either learned from them or inherited this unfortunate  weakness or a reaction to life, it is just the result of long term melancholy or is just the difference from what is and what might be that drives these feelings??

One time I had an appointment with a shrink i was in my early twenties and had been removed form active duty for psych reasons and had given my mother 8 thousand dollars i had saved  to put toward a house for my brothers and I and her to live in 

the doc after  15 minute of listening to my mother and one of her many many boyfriends going of on what they thought my problems were. I scrunched up my face thinking what nerve this boyfriend has trying to judge me ? the boyfriend  had said what  this young mans problem is he does not listen and does not do what is expected of him? said the guy who had just got out of prison for robbing a gas station ?? My mom said but he is such a nice guy and deserves another chance ??

The shrink said young man you need to respect your elders my world just collapsed how after 15 minute did this guy come out with that?

we left there and my mom and her boyfriend of the month club winner were all high and mighty about what I needed to change and what my problem was how I was the problem they were forced to live with and how I needed to change ??

My thoughts of what kind of person these boy friends were of my mothers. trying to decide what the worst thing they did was ? after all there was so many stupid things to chose from .

this particular guy a long time family friend that went to shrink with me had said he would go with me to help me tell my story and get the help I so badly needed ?? to help me he said This lying conniving opportunistic social infection of the highest order  I suppose there are worse people out there that I Have met and exist in other people lives even now but this one was something else how are pills help for understanding these levels of stupidity and cruelty.

example of how he thought : one time this recently separated women invited him into her life. He thought what she needed was to through a party to cheer her  up about her life? so he invited all his friends over and had taken her food stamps and bought lobsters for everyone telling her she needed to live a little and celebrate life. He had invited my dad as a quest to this  shindig he was throwing but when my dad had seen the heart brake on the children's faces and the hurt in there mothers eyes he could not stay and was sick to his stomach about what this guy was doing with there food stamps. with what little they had it seemed criminal my dad had thought

that was one of many bright ideas of the  philosophy he lived by, this guy had reached into  the lives of people he tried to help and destroyed them.

My mom invited many guys like this into  her children's lives  The stupid things they did I could write pages and pages of what they thought at the time was a justified reaction and borderline criminal activity if not criminal just very wrong

But how does a psychiatrist help by drugging the children exposed to such stupidity be classified as help ? making them forget instead of learning from mistakes made and moving on making them forget and then later the memories come back and well the problem goes unresolved.

after this psychiatrist help. my moms boyfriend kicked me out of the house I had given my mother the 8 thousand dollars for.  I had saved up to be part of the down payment. HE had even gotten a restraining order from family court against me ? Through me out penny less and destitute I moved into homeless shelter were everyone was at the time I thought  drug addicts or people that just did not  take care of themselves and were falling apart. later I realized after learning more about AIDS I thought most of them had AIDS and were dying  was my ques.

I got it myself by having sex with  them ya skinny guys with soars  all over there bodies who sleep all day in sweat soaked beds really turns me on. ( sorry just had to go there ) it was a horrible sight to see and for them a night mare I am sure they had never in  there deepest darkest fears ever imagined would come to pass.

 
mental health I am taking pills about a year ago just got off lithium for the 15 or so time hallidole thorosine and a large number of other drugs  I have forgotten   and the side effects and all designed  to help wipe my mind clear of all the sights and sounds and stupidity of this nightmare called life

I am in my fifties now and think still some day I will find peace

I was in the military now there is another long story to be told later

sorry I hope I did not go on to long my point is drugs from short sighted shrinks how is that helping ??

I take them cause I have to to keep myself from being locked up in psych wards

help I do not see it  just covering up the pain to make social conformists

again I need the drugs to stay out of lock up. the legal system not guilty by reason of mental illness does not mean the person goes unpunished they have a life long sentence of being drugged and incarcerated at the whims of those people helping them??  you do not beat the rap you just get a different my sadistic form of punishment called help

sorry to go on so long

maybe another story about being beat up by the police in front of my wife and children big fun there and well that one was about the law and how unjust our legal system is and has been. My kidney stone had moved from the kidney and blocked the way to the bladder from the beating the police had given me. another time the orderly at the psych ward had decided to stop me from throwing a fit by using a sleeper hold that had left some large injuries in my neck that I had told the VA it was from working on my car because if I had said an orderly had done it they would have sedated me for being delusional and locked me up in seclusion until the drugs made me forget what they had done

mental illness so much better then being found guilty for your actions in a world that people go unpunished for daily crimes that go unnoticed because they are done by those in a position of authority doing them all in the name of being helpful
I have watched  the news lately and every time something stupid happens the police say the victim had signs of mental illness that makes it OK like they deserved it being a person with mental illness I am deeply concerned with the callus justification of how the world works

I wish I could post this stuff on face book buy my relatives said they did not like the  stuff I was writing and might get me  in trouble. some of them had unfriended me and said it was because  they did not like what I was writing.  so I stopped and had taken my pills and hoped the world would change with out my help I guess

my mental illness is just that mine I hope others fare better then I
again sorry to write so much I usually write  this stuff in note books then burn them

HIV and mental health falling in love with the destroyer of lives
what came first metal illness or HIV for me they have both have been nightmares I have had to deal with

time to take another pill

[Jim Allen]

Hi

Sorry to hear that your relatives are less than supportive. Not sure if i can add anything to your post other than wishing you well.

Jim

[Ptrk3]

EM: please make sure you keep within the mental health system and keep taking whatever psychiatric meds you are on as prescribed.  If they stop working, let your mental health professionals know and your meds can be changed or altered. Mental health is just as important as physical health.

If you every feel hopelessly depressed or that you want to hurt yourself--or visualize hurting yourself--please seek immediate help at the nearest emergency room.

With modern psychiatric medicine, just as with living with the HIV, there is no reason to suffer needlessly.  There are meds that will lessen any psychic anguish you may have.

Please take care of yourself.

[Andy Velez]

Ptrk, it's very disturbing to hear of the problems you are having. Unfortunately addressing them in any meaningful way is beyond the scope of us here.

But you should not struggle with these issues by yourself. I strongly urge you to consult with  any HIV facility which has a professional you can talk with or if that doesn't work go to the emergency room at a local hospital and tell them you need help.

Best to you. Wish we could do more but we are limited in this setting.

[em]

sorry I had a lot more incite into the field of mental health form experience to share

but if you feel it to hard to deal with that is OK I will keep my feelings on this subject to myself

thank you for a place to share my thoughts

[em]

I had alot more to say but here is the short versioon

they had me on navane and recently lithium and before that risperdal ( that one grew breasts on men and was made from female hormones my guess if it grew breasts on them )  to make the patient less aggressive maybe ?  and bunches other stuff over the past few years.

lately it has been lamictal used for epilepsy and manic depression

anyway I had an appointment and mentioned some things that have been bothering me I would like to share them some place but do not think you want to read them

I have no one in my life other then my wife and kids and the kids are young the wife well I would like nothing more to tell you her life's story

I am stuck it is ether here or the homeless shelter ?

so I have to deal with abuses. If I were a woman all my girl friends would say divorce him and take him for everything but being how reverse sexism in the courts and legal system no one will listen and I am stuck
thank you  and
all my best to you