personal story.... "Two Weeks Later"

[DiggerDive]

"That hat you wear, that you think is cute, makes you look really gay."

Followed by a pause.

"I'm just being honest." "You said you wanted me to be honest."

And that, dear blog readers, is how you send a modestly confident and successful 41 year-old gay man careening back into the days of his adolescent insecurities.

I put on my best poker face and laughed convincingly.

I don't know why I decided to explore with my new 23 year-old closeted Latin lover the depths of his internalized homophobic paranoia. I felt like I was having a "falling dream," but I realized it was only a dream, so I just leaned into it and enjoyed the fear of falling.

"So how gay do I act?"

And then I wondered if tattoos were really that painful.

His reply took so long I was reminded of this computer chess game my mother bought me from Radio Shack in the early 80s. That thing took forever to calculate its next move.

We were on our way to look at furniture, a dresser to be exact.

The lesbians will understand, but my straight friends will say I move too fast.

But what is "too fast" when you're having amazing sex and you don't own a dresser?

It's impossible to measure "too fast" with this person curled up in my arms, as the hammock swings us gently to Louis Armstrong, under the shade of my largest pecan tree, in our own backyard. With that, the sent of freshly cut grass and my dogs sleeping in our shadow of love, I pushed my true fantasy past his gaze, beyond the green leaves and into my blue sky.

And I remembered the Sunday before, the conversation while lying in bed. It was early morning following a huge rain storm with lightening that lit the bedroom all night. In the morning when I opened the screen door to let the dogs out everything outside looked bold bright green, smelled fresh, and was scrubbed clean.

I returned to the warm sheets and waited.

Finally I said, "I have to tell you something."

"And after I tell you things might change."

"About two years ago I dated someone I trusted and I was exposed to HIV."

"I pretty much knew I had made a big mistake and I was treated immediately, but I didn't get the medicine in time and I became HIV positive."

"I'm healthy now. I'm undetectable which is great, but I had to tell you." I could feel my heart opening and closing.

With a light kiss on my forehead he followed with "thank you for telling me."

"I like you even more for telling me." And then he locked eyes and said, "and, I'm not afraid."

[BT65]

Welcome to the forums, Digger.

[Matty the Damned]

Ja, welcome!

MtD

[AndyArrow]

Thanks for sharing and a big welcome to the forums, Digger

AA

[Roie]

Welcome Digger.
Where is your Blog? I would like to read more of your writing please.

[Dragonette]

Where is your Blog? I would like to read more of your writing please.

me too.

& welcome!

[DiggerDive]

update... it's more than a year later and Jose remains negative and unafraid.  We have a new puppy, that makes three dogs! yikes! 

Thanks for the positive feedback.  I forgot I wrote this actually. 

Love to all.

Kurt

[skeebo1969]

  That's really cool, thanks for sharing.

[DiggerDive]

Almost five years later; hard to believe.  Jose and I married in my hometown a month ago.  :-)