RANT: People who ignore you after a date

[hotpuppy]

Okay, I met this guy on a dating site.  Both of us are poz.  We text constantly back and forth, talk on the phone daily, etc.  Finally, we get around to meeting for dessert one night.  The meeting seems to go well.

We leave, I send him a "hey I had a good time" text.

Have not heard from him after a week now.  I've sent a few more texts and emails... but honestly I'm being ignored which I absolutely f****g hate!  I'd much rather you insult me.

Any insight into why someone might be so rude?  I've had this happen more since I became poz and it drives me up a wall.

The problem for me is that if I just exchange one or two emails and we meet and you ignore me, it's easy for me to call you a flake and move on.

When I interact with you alot I start to get to know you and see you as someone I could date.... so when you drop me stone cold and ignore me completely... and don't have the decency to say, "ah not so much for me." it bugs the hell out of me.  

It happens from time to time and I find it to be extremely rude and someone goes from "just friends" to "sh*t list".

Any advice or suggestions would be welcome.... short of "just ignore them back."

[mecch]

It is absolutely enraging.  But then, its a sign of the ignorer's character that he doesn't have the decency to own up to a lack of interest, or whatever reason. So, in the end, its better just to put it behind you. Who would want to build something with such a basketcase for a human?
But it is totally shitty, I agree.

[Miss Philicia]

I could easily make up a half dozen scenarios why someone would do this, as could others.  In the end it's not important.  He's sent you a signal he's no longer interested so move along to the next victim. 

You could always go key his car or something.

[Joe K]

While being ignored after a date is extremely rude, it also falls in the category of something you have no power over to change. We could guess all day as to his motives, so might I suggest, you instead focus on why this upsets you so much. I agree that he was rude and very selfish in not replying, but as you have said, he was not the first and most probably will not be the last. What I suggest is that you develop a way to accept these instances, because you cannot stop them from happening, but you can change how they effect you.

[Ann]

You say he's also poz, could it be that maybe something came up with his health? You know how quickly that can happen sometimes. (edited to add) Here's a prime example. (please don't post to that thread unless you're a LTS - thanks)

I think I'd be inclined to send an email along the lines of - "hey, haven't heard from you, hope you're ok and not in hospital or something.

Otherwise, if you don't want to be in contact anymore, please just say so rather than ignoring me. I'm a big pup, I can handle it but hate being left hanging."

But maybe I'm just blunt like that.

And yes, if he's just ignoring you, it sucks.

[hotpuppy]

Yea, I'm definately being ignored.... and yes I know it's time to find someone else who appreciates me.  I just hate that "shut out" feeling and so I was wondering if anyone else has had this happen and if they ever figured out the "why"?

The nice thing here is that everyone else is agreeing with me that it's just plain rude. 

[skeebo1969]

    Back in the day when women would do this to me I would not shower for a month.  Kinda sucked trying to cover up all that funk in high school with Kouros cologne.  But really though, check on him like Ann suggested.  If everything checks out fine with the health, leave him be....  

    As Philly suggested, keying his car is a good thing, but you might be caught in the act.  I always preferred lawnjobs myself. In case you don't know, a lawnjob is where you pull your vehicle into their front yard, repeatedly spinning out causing major damage to his grass.  It's also best to find out where the parents live and hit their yard as well for raising such a "flake".

   That'll learn them fuckers! Also, make pictures or it never happened...

[wtfimpoz]

I had this happen a lit when I was dating before I was poz.  The weird thing...it never happens when I act disinterested.  I hink it's a power thing.  Lots of guys get off on leting ou feel ignored.  Watching u pine feeds this.  That why they do the whole ignore thing...you don't even realize it's over until you've made a fool of yourself texting them for days .

[skeebo1969]

   Does anyone have a decoder ring?

[Joe K]

I just hate that "shut out" feeling and so I was wondering if anyone else has had this happen and if they ever figured out the "why"?

I gave up trying to "divine" why people do what they do, a long time ago. There will always be situations where you wonder why someone does what they do and that is fine, but you can't let it get under your skin. Since this guy is ignoring you, you most probably will never know the "why", so that leaves you with two options. Either continue wondering why he is ignoring you, or accept his bad manors and move on, with your dignity intact. He has shown himself to be a man of poor character and he should not warrant another moment of your thoughts. Until you understand why you react the way you do, you will continue to give your power away to others.

No one can make you feel inferior.

[hotpuppy]

I had this happen a lit when I was dating before I was poz.  The weird thing...it never happens when I act disinterested.  I hink it's a power thing.  Lots of guys get off on leting ou feel ignored.  Watching u pine feeds this.  That why they do the whole ignore thing...you don't even realize it's over until you've made a fool of yourself texting them for days .

Hmmm, yes, that would make sense...... and it would explain why I run into this more than I would like to....

I have alot of things where they should be at 37 and it seems like alot of people I meet are not as far along in life.  I try to look beyond that.  I think it's unreasonable to expect everyone I date to have a good job, own a house, be on good financial footing, have a 4 year degree, etc.  It's not that I don't want those things in a boyfriend, it's just that guys with those qualifications are in short supply and I'm dating someone for who they are, not what they own.

So the "ignore you" because I have no other power over you may be a sort of ego-boosting game.  I just don't see the logic in how that is a win... but I guess if they saw what a short sighted move that was they wouldn't be doing it.

[hope_for_a_cure]

That bites.  I have had it happen to me and cant figure out why he did not simply say 'I am just not interested'.  When we were out on the 'date' I said "its OK if you're not interested in getting together again really its OK".  He emphatically stated that he was very interested and I thought he was sincere.  I e-mailed him the next day just to touch base and got no reply.  I saw him on facebook and sent an IM to him and he logged out.  Long story short - I never heard from that jerk again.  Its OK to not have chemistry but its not OK (IMHO) to lead another person to believe that you are interested when indeed you are not.  I guess he did not want to vocalize it while we were out on the date.  I would not let him have sex with me on the first date either.. so that may be the real reason.  I will never know.  

Sorry you came across that type of behavior.  I think most of us have at some point in time though.

[Joe K]

Does anyone have a decoder ring?

I'll hazard a translation as: Some men like to play power games. One of those games involves dating someone and then abruptly ending any contact with that person. The power player then sits back and enjoys the misery of the other, who is busily texting/emailing for some contact. It seems that the recipient of such ignoring, is considered as inferior, because he continues to try contacting the power player, not realizing that he has been "played".

Short translation: some men can be real assholes.

[Miss Philicia]

It's fascinating that not a single person here has admitted to giving someone else a less than kind heave-ho.  Miss P has done it, probably more times than she can count.

[mecch]

You can't fuss over the why, cause you can't know and really you do NOT want to know.  A person who does this is DAMAGED GOODS.  Thats why they do this, actually. 
Im with those who go with the theory a lot of time its a power trip. But being played by someone so fucking insecure.  Someone secure would just tell you upfront there is no interest.

[mecch]

Fuck a stranger and never respond to a second contact, thats low but fair game and hardly the heave ho.
Have a little friendly something going, go on a date, and then silence radio - thats shitty manners and spineless, lack of balls.
It only takes one "not really interested, take care" text message, after all.
Of course, if the poor sucker than proceeds to stalk you, silence radio is again justified.

[hope_for_a_cure]

You're correct mech!  It just takes a simple 'thanks but I am not interested'.  It still makes me a bit angry to think back on that situation where the guy lied about wanting to go out again 'to my face' but vanished into the unknown after we parted ways.  Maybe he was vaporized or better yet, perhaps he found his soul mate and is living happily ever after.  I could still e-mail him I suppose but his non response spoke loudly and clearly. 

[mecch]

Its a pandora's box of bad behaviour you have opened now. Men can be such dicks.

[hope_for_a_cure]

For sure!  Hey, at least you guys were not living together.  That guy sounds like the type that would just pack up and leave while you are at work one day.  Or say he is going out to the store and just never come back.  The mystery man strikes again!  You will be 'ahright'. 

[mecch]

Don't give the cad the satisfaction!  
You know it all comes around anyway, your good behaviour will reward you with another good partner. A cads bad behavior will be returned.
Love it when you see these guys around after the snub.
I remember I was dumped with NO WORD, ignored, after a hot couple week romp with this early Williamsburg cutie, in the early 90's.  I really liked this boy.  
A year later he was taking the trash out at Wonderbar in the East Village and he spied me walking down the street (with my lovely boyfriend) and he came over and asked to talk to me and spilled out his apology about how fucked up he was at the time and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.  

So just remember most of these "dumps" have absolutely nothing to with you.  

(On the other hand, ignore after a trick could have to do with you but so what, you got your jollies off with a hottie or you wouldn't be pining for more....)

[Joe K]

It's fascinating that not a single person here has admitted to giving someone else a less than kind heave-ho.  Miss P has done it, probably more times than she can count.

I can honest say that I have always been honest with anyone I was "dating", if only for one date. What Hot describes is getting to know someone, over a period of time and then going on a date. Anyone that I considered dating, would be the type of man who deserved the truth and I owed it to him and myself to be honest. I believe that there is a real distinction between this situation and ignoring a casual acquaintance or a trick.

[Miss Philicia]

I can honest say that I have always been honest with anyone I was "dating", if only for one date. What Hot describes is getting to know someone, over a period of time and then going on a date. Anyone that I considered dating, would be the type of man who deserved the truth and I owed it to him and myself to be honest. I believe that there is a real distinction between this situation and ignoring a casual acquaintance or a trick.

I don't "date" via text message -- do you?  Guess I don't know the protocol here.

[RapidRod]

I've never had that problem. I'm still friendly with every trick I've had. I make no promises so don't expect any, you'll only let yourself down. If there is a connection fine, if not fine. Go out and have a good time and just keep it simple.

[Joe K]

I don't "date" via text message -- do you?  Guess I don't know the protocol here.

I don't think the method matters, the point is they had extended contact, an actual date and then nothing from the other guy. I met Stephen on the web, we talked for a couple weeks and then we met. I would have been crushed if he just blew me off, after the date, with no explanation or contact. To me, it's the extended contact, before the date, that warrants at least a "kiss off" if it does not work out.

[mecch]

 When we were out on the 'date' I said "its OK if you're not interested in getting together again really its OK".  He emphatically stated that he was very interested and I thought he was sincere.  

Oh what you said, by the way, was silly to say to a potential love. Its like wearing a "kick me" sign on your butt.

[hope_for_a_cure]

I said it because the scenario had happend in the past and I was trying to get a little feedback from him during the date.  Its true.  I can see your point but maybe I was just being blunt about it.  I am interested in a guy here in SC that I just recently met.  The funny thing is that he said that to me (in other words) so I did not bring it up this time.  One usually can get a feeling as to whether or not the other guy is interested.  I guess I was just putting it out there wearing my 'kick me in the butt' sign. 

[GSOgymrat]

Of course there could be any number of reason why he is ignoring you, and yes it does sound like he is giving you the brush off. I mean how much effort does it take to send a text? Also we are talking about a week here, not 24 hours. He could be afraid of confrontation. He could be a people pleaser, the type of person who will act happy and interested because he can't handle you being upset or disappointed. He could just be a garden variety jerk.

I too would be insulted and perturbed.

I also admit that when I was young and new to dating I wasn't always direct and gave a lame excuse for not going on additional dates. However, as immature as I was, I don't think I ever completely ignored someone.

[Cliff]

It may not necessarily be about power.  Some people just aren't comfortable delivering bad news and avoid difficult situations/conversations.  I would just try and move on.  You'll forget all about this situation in a few months.

[mecch]

Look there is a certain amount of acting and seduction required to get a relationship off to an exciting start. You put your best parts forward and believe that you are worthy of the other's attraction and interest.  Its not "OK" if the other person doesn't like you. If that were so, its a waste of time.

I personally don't think there should be much of any discussion of what each person is looking for etc etc blah blah blah blah blah. Thats navel gazing.  Also dont discuss ex boyfriends.  Isn't this covered in dating 101?  Keep some damn mystery for crissakes and do something fun together and see if you like the other persons take on things, his style, personality, etc.

[MarcoPoz]

Ok--I admit it.  I've done it.  Twice.  I'm not sure if this makes any sense or is helpful coming from a straight guy, but I can tell you why--in this instance --I was such an ass.

First time:

Courting process was a dream.  Excitement, anticipation...we seemed to have so much in common and more than enough compatable sexual energy.  It took 2 weeks of teasing before we went out.  Then the date.

She was the scariest nut-job I'd EVER met!  Seriously.  I was glad I didn't have a pet rabbit.  There were so many levels to her strangeness that not even glass after glass of single malt could dull my concerns.

I remember getting back in my car and saying out loud "holy shit!".  Please note that in my youth I was a total cad--and she was SO off that when the opportunity came to have sex with her, I told her I had a rash!

Second time:

Courting was just as exciting.  Then the date.  She was AMAZING.  The girl of my dreams.  I wanted to know everything about her--her plans, dreams, what she wanted for breakfast.  As I've stated--I was a cad--and this girl made it hard for me to breathe.  Again--no sex.  This time because I was actually AFRAID of what I was feeling.

I didn't call her.  Why?  Because I knew that she was someone I could spend the rest of my life with and I didn't have the balls to believe I was ready for it.  A few years passed and we went out again.  We've been together for 18 years now.

I'm not sure why he did this to you and I'm sorry he did.  I know you're not like my first example.  Perhaps you may be more like my second for him???  Committment can be scary.

[skeebo1969]

It's fascinating that not a single person here has admitted to giving someone else a less than kind heave-ho.  Miss P has done it, probably more times than she can count.

Cuban girl named Mary back in 97.  She sat outside my house for two days in her Honda Accord in the Summer heat.   We had fun for a week and I was done.  She couldn't accept it, and other than taking out some water what was I to do?   I did learn a lesson though... when your best friend's wife hooks you up with her friend learn to let them go tenderly, to this day his wife thinks I'm a dirty dog.

[Boze]

Puppy,

Is this you by any chance?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nwQXsCz4-Q&feature=player_embedded

Very mean of her to post your vm.

[GSOgymrat]

Puppy,

Is this you by any chance?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nwQXsCz4-Q&feature=player_embedded

Very mean of her to post your vm.

What a wonderful example of narcissistic personality disorder.

[Joe K]

Puppy,

Is this you by any chance?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nwQXsCz4-Q&feature=player_embedded

Very mean of her to post your vm.

OMG that was so funny, especially since he sounds just like my ex. His insistence on good mental health was priceless.

[Hellraiser]

I've had it happen.  I've done it rarely.  Sometimes finding the words to not hurt someone's feelings while simultaneously rejecting them is a hard process.

"He's just not that into you", if you are into him, forget about him and move on and maybe later he'll call you at which point you won't really care.  Being insistent about getting a response is obviously going to get you nowhere, calling him on his shenanigans will do the same.

[tednlou2]

I've known guys who hooked up with very, very hot guys.  After that hook up, they didn't want to meet them anymore.  I would ask why they were blowing off someone so hot and nice.  These few people would tell me they like the chase and once they get someone, they aren't interested anymore.  They move on to the next.  

I recently wrote about my friend in a thread.  If you're interested in him, he isn't interested in you.  If you want him, you need to ignore him.  I've seen this over and over with him.  Being ignored drives him crazy and makes him become obsessed.  He'll call and call those guys and ask what he did wrong.  I've told him to please not lower himself to begging them.  In fact, this is how I met him.  He kept wanting me even though I'm like 11 years older and I would push him away because I'm in a relationship.  It drove him nuts and he actually showed up on my doorstep and got my into trouble.  We eventually became friends.  

So, I think people are so strange sometimes when it comes to dating or sex.  About my friend again...he grew up without a dad.  So, I think he seeks out the approval of older guys--especially when they push him away.  We all have hang-ups I guess.  I know I've been dumped/ignored and I've done the same.

[Miss Philicia]

He kept wanting me even though I'm like 11 years older and I would push him away because I'm in a relationship.  It drove him nuts and he actually showed up on my doorstep and got my into trouble.  

Theodore, that's just because you're so well hung.  Word's out.

[tednlou2]

Theodore, that's just because you're so well hung.  Word's out.

I'm glad I'm finally getting the recognition I deserve.  I thought if I said it myself it would come off as bragging.    

I'm like John Holmes--if he had a much smaller nephew or son. 

[Andy Velez]

Someone once said to me that dating is wonderful and dating is terrible.

That pretty much covers it.

[hotpuppy]

Its a pandora's box of bad behaviour you have opened now. Men can be such dicks.

You got that right... it brings out the absolute worst behavior I'm capable of.... .and I *can* rattle your cage to get you to respond... you won't like me when I'm done.

[hotpuppy]

I recently wrote about my friend in a thread.  If you're interested in him, he isn't interested in you.  If you want him, you need to ignore him.    

Lol, I know a few nutcases locally like that....

[hotpuppy]

Second time:

Courting was just as exciting.  Then the date.  She was AMAZING.  The girl of my dreams.  I wanted to know everything about her--her plans, dreams, what she wanted for breakfast.  As I've stated--I was a cad--and this girl made it hard for me to breathe.  Again--no sex.  This time because I was actually AFRAID of what I was feeling.

I didn't call her.  Why?  Because I knew that she was someone I could spend the rest of my life with and I didn't have the balls to believe I was ready for it.  A few years passed and we went out again.  We've been together for 18 years now.

I'm glad you found the LOL (Love of Life).  I will be blunt and I hope you don't think I'm an ass, but frankly I don't care if you do. 

If you can't tell me "let's go slow" or otherwise communicate then we probably have an issue.  I can handle a variety of misbehavior with class.  Cheating, drugs, being drunk off your ass at 2 am and having to fetch you from the dance bar (I don't drink fyi).... no problem.  Being un-degreed, living iwth your parents, or in some shithole apartment that passes for habitation.... or riding the bus.... I can work around.  Having a car that classifies as a correspondence course for mechanics (or financial aid for the auto shop).... I can fix.

Ignoring me?  muhaha. NO.  Don't like it.  I won't go bezerk... but I sure as hell will make a note and hang onto it for later payback.  A few phrases come to mind later on:
- Kill 'em with kindness and arrange to return the favor.
- Don't let your friends get suckered by asswipe.... and after 17 years here I know nearly everyone.
- Vengence Fuck.  Yes it can be arranged, its a wild ride, it's fun, 25 cents optional and do not touch the towel on your way out the fucking door.... Biaaaatch!

[Zohar]

I think that perhaps one lesson to learn here, is to keep the pre-date communication to a minimum. Once you start sending endless texts and chatting on the phone it creates a momentum, which in most cases, simply can't be maintained and usually leads to disappointment on both sides when the date finally takes place.

Personally, I think it's unwise to have any emotional attachment or investment in someone you have never met. The internet, texts and phonecalls all encourage a sense of intimacy but they are all secondary forms of communication and are no substitute for the real life dynamics between strangers.

As for being shunned afterwards, I think you've just got to roll with the punches. I'm not saying it's nice when this happens, but as someone else has already said, if they don't reply to one message they are giving out a clear signal, and are unlikely to respond to others. Let it go and move on.

[Zohar]

 ''Being un-degreed, living iwth your parents, or in some shithole apartment that passes for habitation.... or riding the bus.... I can work around''

It sounds as if you have a some issues around 'achievement', as the above quote, along with your earlier post about being 'further on in your life', both sound pretty condescending, to be honest. If this, in any way, shape or form came across on your date, the guy could quite easily be sitting there thinking, 'Jesus, what an a-hole.'. And then that's pretty much all the excuse/reason he needs to feel disinclined to return your calls and texts.

[Matty the Damned]

I'm glad you found the LOL (Love of Life).  I will be blunt and I hope you don't think I'm an ass, but frankly I don't care if you do. 

If you can't tell me "let's go slow" or otherwise communicate then we probably have an issue.  I can handle a variety of misbehavior with class.  Cheating, drugs, being drunk off your ass at 2 am and having to fetch you from the dance bar (I don't drink fyi).... no problem.  Being un-degreed, living iwth your parents, or in some shithole apartment that passes for habitation.... or riding the bus.... I can work around.  Having a car that classifies as a correspondence course for mechanics (or financial aid for the auto shop).... I can fix.

Ignoring me?  muhaha. NO.  Don't like it.  I won't go bezerk... but I sure as hell will make a note and hang onto it for later payback.  A few phrases come to mind later on:
- Kill 'em with kindness and arrange to return the favor.
- Don't let your friends get suckered by asswipe.... and after 17 years here I know nearly everyone.
- Vengence Fuck.  Yes it can be arranged, its a wild ride, it's fun, 25 cents optional and do not touch the towel on your way out the fucking door.... Biaaaatch!

Lighten up, Francis. Life is too short.

MtD

[hotpuppy]

Actually, if you read carefully, you will see that I said *I can work around* before those things.... i have many friends who don't believe in dating outside their class.... I think class stuff is nonsense... I am not looking for a shadow or a reflection.   Meaning I don't want someone identical, or someone who is underfoot.

Provided that you have a job, I don't really care what it is.  I like to see a little motivation in life.  

I normally get to know someone before I ask what they do for a living.  I don't think I said what my date did for a living or where he lived... but since you seem to be implying I had an issue.... he works for a hospital in an equipment maintenance position.... not exactly flipping burgers.... then again not the same as running your own company which is what I do.  Neither here nor there honestly.

At the end of the day I want to date someone for their personality and companionship, not support and possessions....

[bocker3]

I have to agree with Joe's sage advice...  you really are giving this guy way too much power.  You started this thread over 8 hours ago and still talking about it.  He couldn't be more clear in his disinterest -- let it go.  Was he rude, sure -- would it have been better if he gave you whatever his reason was?  Who knows -- it's done.  He probably hasn't give you another thought, yet you are appearing obsessed here. 
Planning vengeance over a "no call/text" after a date is a bit over the top.  Could it be that you came on too strong and scared him off?  While I agree it's rude to simply ignore someone, have you looked inward to see if there was something that might have spooked him?

Here's hoping the next date is with someone who is more compatible......

Hugs,
mike

[next2u]

before i start i just want to say i <3 this thread

hotpuppy, you are awesome and i totally meet 3 out of your 4 not so criteria criteria

i haven't spoken with the dude i used to date since march (on a side note i realized we first mate on vday and i last saw him vday a year later). he stopped talking to me all together. this thread speaks to me cause i believe he would have done the same thing after 1 date. and he probably has done this to a number of people. and it still hurts. i know it wasn't the best move. i also know that when people need to end relationships it is sometimes best they not contact the other person. i also believe there is a way to let the other person know that contact will be ceased in a civil and respectable manner.

your dude was an ass. a douche.

i have never done that to another person. yes, i will stop calling. but i will answer a text, a post or a phone call. after all, there was a reason we started talking in the first place. if it doesnt work out on one level im not gonna completely eliminate someone based on the here & now, especially if they bear me no ill will. life has too many strange twists and turns and i can't predict the future. but i can tell you about here & now and whether this will work in the here and now and immediate future.

don't call or text anymore. there messages are there for him if he chooses not to be a child. you have done your part. and done it well. as others have said, unfortunately your feelings weren't reciprocated for whatever reasons.

from what you've posted there is a good chance you may have intimidated him. you're a good catch and it doesn't take too much logic to figure that out.

people are assholes. variety is the spice of life and unfortunately assholes are the other scent & flavor (nasty, lol).

okay, im cracked out on caffeine. here's my 50 cents. if you lived closer i'd take you to starbucks and smack your ass.

best,
d

[next2u]

and yes...i'd totally drive the getaway car if you needed to throw eggs or tp his shit. that is totally immature and uncalled for. let me know if you need a driver

[next2u]

i also find your rant rings true to my emotions. you are processing things. once the process is finished it is finished. let your head, heart & ocd work this shit out.