POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: CalvinC on January 23, 2017, 01:13:56 pm
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{Sorry if this is somewhat long, but there's a reason for it, trust me!]
Hi all. I've been on this forum for as long as I've been poz, and it's a wonderful resource. I've been very fortunate with my hiv journey: lots of support, perfectly suitable meds with zero side effects, excellent insurance (I live in Canada), a job I love with excellent benefits, and so on. Life is good.
Recently (or not so recently, I guess), I've been dwelling on probably what a good deal of older poz gay men (and women, and others, no doubt) who are single dwell on: If an LTR is not in the cards, what will I do with my life?
I'm 58 and have never been in better shape in my life. I pass easily for early 40s and I know it (genetic luck), having been told so often that it's amusing now. Although I tend more towards introversion, my hiv journey has taught me that I need to reach out, always; people aren't going to come knocking at my door. So I play a LOT of sports (mostly hockey) wherein I meet a huge number of people, so there are plenty of social options. I volunteer at my co-op extensively. I try to give back.
I find dating, though, difficult, to the extent that I've largely stopped, and it's my own doing. I'm frustrated that age is likely a factor (despite my outlook and appearance), and it's not as though I'm looking for guys under 40. (I'm not.) The same thing happens with socialization: I find it difficult to be in large groups, and being gregarious is often exhausting, but I do try. Most nights (when I'm not doing sports) I'm at home, alone, reading (which I enjoy....but....).
So now I'm thinking: Okay, so maybe nothing will ever appear on the LTR horizon. What I am going to do, then, aside from enjoying the company of my friends, and my sports etc? I don't have to retire, and I don't want to, though I intend on reducing my work load (very easy to do) in about 10 years. I suppose I could volunteer until the cows come home but I know that having watched the LTR ship sail by long ago will sadden me for the rest of my life.
Part of what reminds me of this as well is that in my co-op there is a huge number of gay men who are ageing and single and retired and just don't do anything. It's as though they've settled for this and now they're just sailing off into the twilight. (I don't want to sound condescending about their choices, so sorry if it comes off like that.) Some have dogs that are obviously love substitutes.
Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how I shall live, and if not for myself, then what? The idea of growing older and not doing anything remotely meaningful and/or not being of meaning to any (significant) other just saddens me, and it's all I can do to fight entropy.
Thanks for listening.
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Sorry to hear your concerns but pleased you are doing well, generally.
As for LTR's - I don't think you need to give up hope for one of those. 58 is young these days...
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I'm not getting this post.
You're in good health, working, you socialise with friends, you (play? watch?) sport, you can volunteer although that seems a bit 'beneath you'.
You're not in a long term relationship but so what? There's nothing magical about long term relationships, I've been through a few.
I notice you don't talk about marriage or a life time relationship. Maybe you're letting people know that, even if they commit to you, they are considered temporary.
Nobody will be interested in taking on the role of 'I have to do all the work to make Calvin happy because he is unfulfilled in himself.'
A decent chance of a life partner will only occur when you are fulfilled and happy with yourself otherwise you'll just look desperate and clingy.
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Let me clarify: volunteering isn't "beneath me." I enjoy it and I encourage other people to do it. And I'm not suggesting to people, in any way, that they are "temporary." And I don't look or act "desperate and clingy." Not sure where you got all that from. But thanks for the reply anyway.
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I'm not getting this post.
You're in good health, working, you socialise with friends, you (play? watch?) sport, you can volunteer although that seems a bit 'beneath you'.
You're not in a long term relationship but so what? There's nothing magical about long term relationships, I've been through a few.
I notice you don't talk about marriage or a life time relationship. Maybe you're letting people know that, even if they commit to you, they are considered temporary.
Nobody will be interested in taking on the role of 'I have to do all the work to make Calvin happy because he is unfulfilled in himself.'
A decent chance of a life partner will only occur when you are fulfilled and happy with yourself otherwise you'll just look desperate and clingy.
If your just trying to get a rise out of the OP, stop it.
Jim
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H
Sounds like you have a pretty good life, reading books, volunteering, working, playing sports, being healthy etc.
I find dating, though, difficult, to the extent that I've largely stopped
Look if you choose not to date, than the chances of meeting someone will be reduced. If you want a relationship you have to put yourself out there, instead of just being alone and wondering if something could ever become a LTR.
I agree with CaveyUK on the 58.
Jim
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Calvin,
One local man, l mean here in Japan, whom l communicate with regularly, is 71.
He continues to work and enjoys his hobbies and volunteer work. People like you, a bit older than l, are the source of great encouragement and hope for me showing that we can go living and enjoy our lives.
Please take care.
Where in CANADA ?
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I do not think age is a barrier, if you find a person and there is a connection, for me i find the mere thought of a ltr is what i really want one day, it is fear, Having someone i really like, May i ask have you had relationships since your diagnoses?
For me no, scary stuff.,i have disclosed to a person i would like to be with, they have been really supportive, how to ask is beyond comprehension for some sort of relationship..
and well done you for volunteering, a awesome thing to be doing
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My granny, a widow, retired at the normal age and lived another 30 years in good health. She had plenty of interests and she even went to college in her 70's and got a bachelors. She was a widow in her 50s and had gentlemen friends off and on Who knows how much sex was involved.
Maybe you can imagine something really motivating, some new thing, to pursue. Life is really really long and rich for some people.
Also maybe rather than thinking of a "LTR", think of having a, or some, lovers - "Gentlemen friends". My granny never lived with any of those guys. They did activities together and had some romance and kindness.
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Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how I shall live, and if not for myself, then what? The idea of growing older and not doing anything remotely meaningful and/or not being of meaning to any (significant) other just saddens me, and it's all I can do to fight entropy.
Why do you feel like you are not doing "anything remotely meaningful" or "not being of meaning to any other"?
From what you described, you have a fairly full life and, I suspect, the friends that you mentioned, who you say enjoy your company, find you meaningful.
From where I am sitting, your post seems to indicate that you feel a "LTR" is the ONLY thing that is meaningful. That is an awful lot of power that you seem to want to give to someone else. It's also a ton of pressure to put on yourself. One doesn't really go and find a "LTR" -- one meets someone who they find interesting and the two of you learn about each other and, if all goes well, you continue together for some set of time -- whether parted by choice or death. LTR's simply happen organically. And....... if you aren't going to date, then you certainly aren't going to have a romantic LTR -- but it does sound like you might have some long-term friendships. Perhaps this post is really just you seeing your glass as half-empty??
It's good to talk about being down, so please keep doing so, but I'd suggest you try and "count your blessings" rather than minimize them and hold the romantic LTR up as the be all and end all.
Mike
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Hi Calvin,
I'm 33 and I find dating extremely difficult, so believe me it has nothing to do with age. I have stopped as well but I do try to put myself out there and hoping someone who is worth it will come along, I keep myself busy with work and sports and yes my dog ( believe it or not it is a pen excellent therapy and good companions). I think you're doing great, don't close the doors to find someone who deserves your company, love and caring.
Never give up. :)
Best from Europe.
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I didn't have a go at anyone. I didn't troll.
I responded to the words in the original post honestly.
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I didn't have a go at anyone. I didn't troll.
I responded to the words in the original post honestly.
I think you should really go back and read your first reply. I do feel like it wasn't the best way to answer to his post. Remember we are here to support each other as we all go through a very rough time dealing with hiv. I have no doubts you tried to be honest but was it with yourself and your personal life situation? or about the post and what the other person is going through, most importantly what do we do as a community to not come discouraging.
Best and greets,
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@ newbie2016. Since I've been poz, I had (of all things) an affair that stretched out interminably before I knocked some sense into my head, and I dated another poz guy for half a year before I called it off. Had a few dates that went nowhere.
@ bocker. I'd agree that LTRs aren't the be-all and end-all. It isn't really a goal of mine, although it pains me, when I dwell on it long enough, to realize that for most of my life (before hiv) I was pretty much a cold fish who avoided intimacy and substituted copious amounts of sex. One of the gifts of hiv has been for me to discover what intimacy is potentially all about, ie, not just about sex -- and so the somewhat ironic jib is that this happens late in life. Of course I know that relationships are available at any age, and so I'm okay with that. I'm just trying to think of how to live, LTR or not, as my life continues to change (or not).
Thanks all for their replies.
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Calvin: I read your post with amusement. I am one of those early retirees that absolutely loves cultivating the art of doing nothing!
Many of us spent most of our adult life at work, thinking about work, or studying outside of work to enhance our career skillset. Work was a prison sentence that has finally been commuted.
Freedom from work allows you to do whatever you want within your financial capacity to pursue it. I've read on various retirement forums that some people seem to have become so accustomed to the regimented lifestyle of work that they cannot handle managing their own time. They feel compelled to return to a structured work environment where they perform the dictates of their boss.
Try thinking about things you really always wanted to do but never had the time to pursue. That's what you should be doing in retirement... in your time, at your discretion. I picked up the piano again... something I learned in childhood but never had the time to consider as a working adult.
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@ Mitch: You are right that unstructured time is somewhat of a threat, for some, and it is (sometimes) for me. But I really love my job, as it gives me unparalleled amounts of free time with virtually no supervision. As I said, I can move down to p/t eventually. I hope to continue my education, learn more French, and learn another language, when "retirement" comes.
But I suppose that all such plans still leave other people out of the picture. I need to figure out a way to travel with other people, as I'm tired of traveling alone much of the time.