POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: +PHc on February 01, 2008, 06:28:59 am
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...It was not meant as "bait." I am not "small-hearted" or "stupid" or "brainless." Just lonely and confused and frustrated that I feel increasingly isolated in the way I feel. It is inaccurate of accusing me of not trying to create the kind of segment of community that would be relieving to me. I do live in San Francisco which does make me more of a minority than anywhere else HIV community-wise My frustration was sincerely not meant to anger or hurt or disrespect. POZ Magazine and these forums are certainly inclusive, (although I don't understand separating women out as a separate category except for those with families which I don't have. and don't want to be around because it hurts too much.) Women's groups I have tried I don't fit. I tried this forum in case there were other people "out there" who felt lacking community the way I do. I should have written what I said more carefully, with frustration contained.
And for those of you who say services were created by (almost entirely) gay men - you have no idea how much gratitude I have for all the housing and medical and ryan white care that is the reason i am alive. And how truly grateful I am that I was included and cared for in the early 90's when this felt like a more universalizing crisis.
I was overwhelmingly needing to do the advocacy, and outreach, and speaking in schools, and lobbying, and board work, and AIDS Rides and Life/Cycles and hospice care... I volunteered for what I considered our community for many years - out of love.
I feel like I need human contact and long-term HiV-survivors who are who I feel "at home"with, (and I am 41 and childless and women's groups are too painful) and I don't have any idea what it is like places outside this city, but it is not my imagination that targeting here is increasingly specialized to target everything but what I'm not.
For those of you who assumed I have not tried to find of create what feels missing to me, most mental health, social support, healthy community building agencies explain the lack of their inclusive services on the CARE council allocations, so although I am tired and do not feel up to this (and do not want to be taking away from needed services that do not include me) I am in the process of applying for participation there. But how can I believe in my own voice if I truly am the only one who feels this way?
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'scool babe. It takes a lot of courage to say sorry and that has to be respected.
The gay vs straight debate is one that pops up here from time to time and is usually started by people looking to score points or just be malignant, hence the response that you got. Nevertheless it's clear that you're aren't small hearted or brainless and it wasn't right to call you that. I'm sorry if my harsher comments offended you.
Matty the Damned is almost always willing to let past disputes be forgotten and to start over. :)
Be well,
MtD
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To Matty the damned'
Thank you. I did not feel "offended" - I felt eviscerated that what I though different people would identify with from their different vantage points (or types). It is not a gay/straight competition thing I was coming from. I feel evil about just wanting to be included as a whole human being who doesn't fit the group I'm supposed to belong to. I hadn't read the responses till tonight (intended constructive insomnia distraction), so I got hit with them all at once. I couldn't stomach reading them all. It's one big blur so far off track of my intention, with force so scary in one unexpected hit. It's going to take awhile I think, (no Ambien and Valium and a hotline call has done a thing to soothe this.) I swear to God none of what I could take so far of the responses has to do with how I feel or what I meant.
Thank you very much for responding so fast. I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry for wherever that went that would make you say what you said.
Your "Be Well" went deep. The same to you as much as is expressible.
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+PHc, I had a feeling your other thread was more of a "rant" during a low period and took it as such.
It's interesting, however, to see your write that you also don't feel comfortable in women's groups. I don't wish to psycho-analyze you, but that's excluding yourself from most everything now, and that concerns me. We're pretty much the same age, and with similar infection dates... so honey I know what you've been through here. At times the journey seems too long and our minds can become muddled processing it all.
I see in an older post of yours that you've been seeing a therapist, etc which was going to be my next question. I hope that you continue to do so, but I also urge you to explore more of these issues here with us. If you feel more comfortable with other long term survivors then post in that part of the forums. You will get a lot of replies, and perhaps strike up some on line friendships -- but you have to put in what you take out with such things, as I'm sure you know. There's definitely a fraternity of sorts among long term folks -- and I see it here not only on the forums but also in real life where I live.
Have you tried to seek out a local support group that focuses ONLY on long term survivors?
Anyway, I hope you'll post more frequently here now.
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Not offended here....
BTW - I prefer the company of men to women....They are more predictable and less prone to emotional bullshit LOL
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Not offended here....
BTW - I prefer the company of men to women....They are more predictable and less prone to emotional bullshit LOL
You obviously haven't been with gay men....D R A M A :D
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You obviously haven't been with gay men....D R A M A :D
I was married to one for 10 years LOL
the key words where less prone :D
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Dear+PHc
I was diagnosed in 1985 just as I was about to graduate high school. There was nothing then for young people, especially those who had no contact with the "mainstream" gay population" I lived about 70 miles south of San Francisco. My first exposure to rejection was from the "gay crowd" when I was old enough to go to bars. You didn't talk about it then. When guys found out that I was poz and had AIDS, boy did they run. That pretty much ended my gay bar scene and desire to be around large gay populations. That's stuff that I've been working on, but I still don't feel comfortable around that environment. I feel much more comfortable being around mixed crowds or "straight crowds" (whatever that is)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I've pretty much been on this path alone for a long time but I've made some new friends on this site and it has been comforting.
If you need a friend to talk to, I don't live that far from you.
Peace,
Sharkie
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I was married to one for 10 years LOL
the key words where less prone :D
PREACH LIZA!
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LOL, Liza....I can see your way :)
As for you Sharky....you are a unique and good friend to anyone :)
Matt
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BTW - I prefer the company of men to women....
I prefer the company of women to the company of men when it comes to discussing emotions. It's a lot easier to talk to women about those sorts of things than it is to talk to a bunch of men.
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I prefer the company of women to the company of men when it comes to discussing emotions. It's a lot easier to talk to women about those sorts of things than it is to talk to a bunch of men.
I'm sure you love lording your emotional states over women. OK, I'm going to end it right there. Nuf said.
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Some men would find it easier to talk to women about emotional stuff because women "typically" wont punch you and call you a pussy if you felt like crying over something.
;D