POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: batttyy on March 06, 2012, 07:02:55 am
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Hi Ladies!
I hope I can get some advise because I just feel so heartbroken.
I have been with my fiance ( he is hiv negetive) for over 2yrs now. He has been talking about us having a baby since we met.I never thought about having children until I met him because I believed it would be hard to have a baby while Im positive. However I later agreed to start a family with him and very excited about the idea that he want to start a family with me.
In Sept 2011 we went to see my DOCTOR who gave us a go ahead.
We were hoping to start trying for a baby in Dec 2011 but my partner said let wait another month. In Feb ; he told me that he does not want to have children and never wanted to and he was just saying this to please me. What a shock I had!!!!! because he is the one who always brought up the subject of children.
I feel so hurt because he brought my mind and heart to the idea of starting a family but now he has changed his mind. I don't know what to do .....because I really want to have children now.
1. I love him dearly and confused whether I should leave him? :' :'( :-\
2. How possible it is that I will meet someone willing to have children with me as I'm positive.
3. Should I just forget about children and stay with him......how ...
3. I feel hurt because he lied to me and now he says hurtful things like ''nobody will want you because of your HIV status''.
I have taken 3 weeks off work becuase I just feel so lost!
Sorry ladies to go on and on..........but this is the only place where I can confide!!!!
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Good Morning! I see you're online. Hang in there while I write a response to you. I have no doubt as soon as others are awake in their various parts of the world, they will also write to you.
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1. I love him dearly and confused whether I should leave him? :'
2. How possible it is that I will meet someone willing to have children with me as I'm positive.
3. Should I just forget about children and stay with him......how ...
3. I feel hurt because he lied to me and now he says hurtful things like ''nobody will want you because of your HIV status''.
I have taken 3 weeks off work becuase I just feel so lost!
Hi Batttyy,
First, I know you're upset. Anyone would be given the scenario you are experiencing. I'm going to take a little different approach here than a super-soft hug initially.
I'm concerned for your economic status -- because it still takes money to buy kleenex for crying and food. Have you already taken off three weeks, or are you in the midst of it? I'm asking this because work offers a great way to anchor the mind and body where staying at home allowing yourself to slip further into depression is not a good idea. If you're in the midst of the three weeks, can you get back to work? Does your boss know why you're off? Three weeks is a long time. The discipline of work and the independence it can afford is worth holding onto.
Pretend you're giving advice to a sister or friend when you think about the types of things that are being said to you by this man you say you love. " Nobody will want you because of your HIV status." I translate this to mean " You are now my prisoner because I think you're good enough for me to use, lie to, and frighten.I also think you're vulnerable and that I am in control." Would you advise a sister or friend to stay with a man who said these sorts of things? Switch out the disease state. Nobody will want you because of your diabetes." Nobody will want you because of your lupus." Nobody will want you because of your Shogren's syndrome."
Do you get where I'm going with this exercise? He's cruel and although I've not met him and realize you think you love him, I think he's done you a tremendous favor. He has shown you his true colors and you will not be stuck raising children you bore with him alone. Someone who is this manipulative and controlling is not a good life partner nor parent material.
Some day, you will want to write him a thank you note that your relationship ended. You have many options available to you. I hope he is not the physically abusive type nor that he controls your living circumstances i.e. owns your home, has his name on the lease, etc.
Get to a counselor or doctor and get your depression addressed. Get back to work for all the wonderful things work provides. Take a look in the mirror -- a long look in the mirror. Big smile. Shoulders back. And then say to your reflection, YOU can do whatever you want. Love and be loved. Be a mom. Whatever you want.
As painful as it may seem, it is better and healthier to not be in any relationship than to be in one in which you are beaten down psychologically. Nurture yourself. Imagine being the mom you want to be, would you tell a daughter that living with a guy like this is a good thing? I think not.
Yep, it hurts. Stings like crazy. Endings deserve grieving and I suspect you know in your gut, this is not what a loving relationship sounds like or feels like.
Here's the hug. You are going to make it through this period. If there's any chance he will hurt you physically, get some advice about how to move forward to stay intact and get out.
Em
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Thanks a lot emeraldize for encouraging words!!!!!.
The only reason I have decided to take time off work is because my work is mentally challenging (I work with vulnerable children and families) and at the moment I feel vulnerable and not sure I am able to support the children I work with. My manager does not know why i have taken time off but I can return to work anytime.
I totally agree with you,,, this man is making me feeling so small....like I'm worth nothing because eof my health condition. I wouldnt advise anyone to stay in a relationship where they have been emotionally abused but I have been messed up emotionally. The good thing is that I have a full time job and will afford living on my own paying the mortgage. Even if he leaves ;it won't affect me that much.
I think i just need to be strong to deal with this and to cope with the grieving of his loss.
thanks again.......
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I echo what Em has said. You certainly should not be with someone who tells you nobody will want you because of your HIV status. Which is totally not true. I have been married, (divorced, not because of the HIV), and in another relationship, all after being diagnosed with HIV. And both men were negative. So, that is not true about no one wanting you because of the HIV.
You need to be comfortable with yourself. I agree that therapy can be a big help with this. It helps to have someone else affirm your worth. You sound like you have a lot of hurt to talk about, and to have someone who is trained to listen to you can prove invaluable. Please get some help, and do not stay a prisoner in a relationship which is going nowhere and is making you feel less than.
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Hi Batttyy,
You're quite welcome and you deserve (and will find) better.
I'm glad you've got work you find meaningful and a mortgage (which is the only controlling relationship any of us should tolerate) and now you just need time and support.
Keep checking in with us, will ya?
Em
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that guy is scum. you can do better than him, you'll find someone who truly loves you for who you are. dont let him get you down. at the end of the day its his loss..