Need advice

[madmanemt]

I am seeking some advice and help.
I am a 33 year old HIV negative gay man, and 4 months ago I met, who I believe to be the man of my dreams. He told me right away that he is HIV positive. I for one didnt even flinch once those words came out of his mouth. I have been in the medical field for 14 years as an EMT and I am very educated about the virus and transmission.   HIs honesty only created the perfect recipe for a solid relationship. I have never felt closer to anyone. Over the next few months, we were very sexually active. After discussion about his labs, and knowing that he was undetectable and med compliant, the decision was made that we were both okay with the "pull out" method when I was bottoming. I know that many people would cringe at the thought of this. But we are both adults and made a educated decision based off of communication and respect. I having my own issues surrounding childhood sexual abuse, bottoming was more than challenging from the start. I worked through my fears and was able to separate the past experiences from the current sexual activity I was participating in. We really started enjoying sex and it was passionate. During this time there were some incidences that the heat of the moment allowed for "throwing caution to the wind" to happen. we were both so into it that by the time he was ejaculating we realized that he had not pulled out. All possible interventions were put into play immediately after those instances. (I will not go into details, use your imagination). These instances didnt cause any issues or holding back from further sexual activity. After 3 months of us being in an amazing relationship,  he propsed to me, which I accepted. Totally confident that we were meant to be together, regardless to status. We were really happy. then about a month later, something shifted for him. He started getting very distant, to the point that he would go the entire weekend not wanting to see eachother. I immediately reacted like a concerned partner, asking what was wrong or if I had done anything to upset him. He had many excuses, from tired from work, to not feeling well, to feeling smothered, to needing space and time. I couldnt understand this sudden change in behavior. Something just wasnt lining up. After gently communicating and probing for real answers.... it finally came to surface that he was suffering with an intense amount of guilt. He was so worried about infecting me that he could no longer look me in the face, and shortly after that "called it quits with me". My heart sank. Questions started flooding my heart and mind. I couldn't understand... "why now". Why was he second guessing this post multiple encounters and months of participating in this without any issue? I was aware that I was the first neagtive person that he had been with since he tested positive 5 years ago, but the status difference was a mild issue throughout our time together, and emotionally we seemed very solid. It has now been 5 weeks. And per his request I have respected his need to not sit down face to face due to guilt, we have yet to find any peace in this. We have spoken on the phone a few times, and he presents with an immense amount of anger when discussing any subject matter surrounding feelings. Since the official break up I have been tested. It came back negative, for now, knowing that it could be pre-mature to test, and that I could very well be in the window period. But I needed to start somewhere, in hopes that it would lighten the load for both of us enough to talk. No such luck. I am doing my best to keep my physical and mental health in a very good place, but I am struggling with the betrayal and abandonment of the love that we shared in this relationship. I have promised that I will be honest with my results and that he will be the first to know one way or the other, but he has shut off emotionally. I am not blaming, condemning, or showing any sign of anger towards him or this situation, yet he has become this person who refuses to see himself as anything other than "damaged goods". I have also been privi'd to some information that he has recently joined a site designed for hookups with other men. He unknowingly spoke to a person that knew me, and they informed me that he was seeking No Strings Attached Play?!? He is informative about his status, thank god, but I am not sure how to take these actions. I am not sure if he is lashing out, or some sort of coping mechanism. How is it possible to have so much guilt about the possibility of infecting me, just to possibly act irresponsible with a stranger he meets online?  I am finding it challenging being supportive of someone while dealing with my own personal struggle of my own status possibilities. I guess my questions consist of, am I helping or hindering? Is this something that most mixed status relationships encounter? I am just at a loss about what to do. I really care for him, and I just dont know what to say or do to help. I pray with all my might that I am negative, but I know that I have to face this one way or the other. Should I tell him my results, or dismiss him from knowing? I dont want to make anything worse for either of us. I have found some comfort in knowing that I have done the right thing, by loving him and being supportive, but I am running out of ideas. Is there anyone on either side of this, that has any ideas or advice? I am just at a loss how this has all panned out. THanks.

[Jeff G]

Welcome to the forum Mad . I moved your thread into the appropriate someone I care about forum and into its own thread so you can maybe get more views . 

[jkinatl2]

My first instinct is not a kind one about your ex. I think he was bullshitting you, and grew a conscience.

[Jeff G]

My heart feels for you and my brain wants to protect you , if I only could .

I certainly hope you now realize that your health should never be sacrificed as a gesture of love . You can love and be intimate with an HIV positive person without becoming infected with HIV . It may sound cruel to be seen as lecturing you when your heart is breaking but I sincerely hope you face whatever it was that led you to be reckless with your health so that you never have to live with this virus .

If he cant look you in the eye and tell you how he feels there are bigger problems than HIV in play . Its good you found this out early on and we can only hope you didn't come out of this with HIV .