POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: xtente on June 20, 2007, 05:24:17 pm
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i know its wrong. I knew i was positive before i met my wife four years ago. I never had unprotected sex with her but i never told her I was + either.
How can i even say i love her if i couldnt be selfless enough to tell her. I am an asshole and I dont feel very goodabout myself.
She got tested by her doc for everything today and will have the results in a week. I am scared to death. I dont know what to do, how to tell her, what to tell her, etc.
I am lost. and scared. and ashamed.
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Hi Xtente,
Well that's a hard issue you brought up. All I can say is that I really hope you'll find a way to be honest with her and that love will conquer! I really hope it will work out!
Wishing you and your wife the best!
Zeb
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Wow...I can relate though, I had a similiar thing happen. What is she getting a routine blood work or something? I hope it comes back negative.. And since you said the sex was always protected, it more than likely will. The question is if it does come back neg, will you still come forward and tell her?.It is really hard to say how she will feel, it may be a range of emotions since you knew you were poz before you got married. Or she may still feel those emotions and still decide to be with you, I can't say for sure but those are options.
Another thing, it is unhealthy to carry around guilt, it can affect you in so many ways but you know this. I can imagine what your stress levels are. You definitely have a lot to think about...
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your wife fell in love with you.... you have kept her safe all this time because you love her.. that is the core of the relationship.. trust ... I know it is hard when you feel like you broke that trust, but trust she loves YOU!! you must disclose.. the stress is not good for you... but I bet she wont care, and that she accepts you~
good luck!!
lisbeth
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Sorry to have to agree with you guy, but yes, you did a really terrible thing. A worse thing would be to infect her. And worse still would be not to tell her. The other posters have been optimistic about the outcome. The only decent outcome is that your wife is told. Whatever happens to you, well, happens.
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Xtente
First of all your wife has the right to know, it's her life and she has the right to make a decision where she wants to go from here, I'm not sure how or why you have kept this from her for four years.
Also if she is just having routine blood tests then HIV is not done as a routine check, unless the patient asks for it and gives her consent.
If she has asked for one, why?
If you have been having protected sex for four years and are in a monogamous relationship I can't understand why she would want to have an HIV test now.
You don't have to answer these questions of course I'm just curious and trying to understand a bit more about the reasons behind it all.
Jan
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I don't know what your relationship is like with your wife but I question the trust issue since you were not up front when you became intimate with her. She has a right to know.
I hope the best.
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I am not going to lecture you about whether what you did is right or wrong. You already know the answer to this.
I am going to tell you, however, that relationships based on lies do not work. When you tell her the truth she will be hurt, perhaps irredemably.
The best thing you can do is ask for forgiveness and hope that the woman who loves you understands that the crux of healing is exactly that: forgiving.
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Ihad a breif conversation with my wife and wasnt fully able to disclose, BUT i think if she learned I am positive, she would forgive me and stay with me. At least that is the impression i got. When her results come back next week, I am goign to disclose. I cant do this anymore.
Also, the reason she got the hiv test is because she is applying for a government jopb that requires a full spectrum test. Its not becasue she is suspicious.
I hope this works out. I love her and she tells me I am the best thing that has ever happened to her.
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For your sake, I hope you are right and she stays with you. But if she has no reaction to you being poz and not disclosing then she is one helluva woman in my book. But why wait til the results come back? If this is weighing so heavily on you, I would think you would rather get it off your chest. Trust me, I know disclosing isn't easy and it never turned out good for me but just saying...I guess your conversation today was leading into it? I hope your wife gets the job...
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You're going to wait until her results come back?
Why?
Is it because if they're negative, you'll keep your little secret? Matty the Damned suspects this might be the case. But whatever the case and whenever you do condescend to tell your life partner this small thing about yourself it'll make for an interesting conversation.
"What dear? Your test results came back positive? Never mind! I've had AIDS for the last 9 years."
MtD
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Xtente,
Breath deep and talk to her. Love is blind but can be hurt by hiding things. Part of a marriage is trust and telling her only allow the trust to be there. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. Just know we are here for you. Thanks for taking the time to share that took guts and now you need to do the second part.
Hugs
Bill
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You're going to wait until her results come back?
Why?
Is it because if they're negative, you'll keep your little secret? Matty the Damned suspects this might be the case.
Absolutely.
If she has asked for one, why?
If you have been having protected sex for four years and are in a monogamous relationship I can't understand why she would want to have an HIV test now.
Absolutely.
And I'll add another personal question: why do you have protected sex with your wife?
Something is wrong, man.
Milker.
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Yes it was wrong not to tell her but it is must of been hard for you to let her know about it... now is the time to tell her...I would wait till the results come back ,positive or negative and tell her the truth ...either way tell her the fear you felt ..and how carefull you were not to infect her.... but she does love you and might take time for her to understand why u never told her...but time will heal this....I hate to say this but I think being hiv positive has brought me and my partner closer together ..even though he is negative....I'm not saying it's good being positive...I would be negative any day!!! Hope this helps...
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matty, i would appreciate it if you didnt even respond to me. I am not fond of your heart. I dont enjoy your humor/presence one bit and would rather not engage in any communication with you. and the reason i am not going to tell her until her results come back is because I think she would be overwhelmed with worry every day until the test results came back (and she is not worried now). Also, if she comes back negative I intend to disclose so we both can be more careful than i have been. Two sets of eyes are better than one. If she comes back + i am still going to tell her because if i was the one who infected her i want to take responsibility. I may not be though. She had an ex who cheated on her and was never tested for anything out of fear.
akasha, I have asked my wife on many occasion "what if I turned up positive" and she said "i would love you just the same." and today I said "waht if you turn up positive" and she said "well if i were positive and you became positive we would at least have each other...forever" Also, the reason she is having a full spectrum blood test including hiv is that she is applying for a job the requires it, and wants everything tested before she applies. she is not suspcious
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matty, i would appreciate it if you didnt even respond to me. I am not fond of your heart, and the reason i am not going to tell her until her results come back is because I think she would be overwhelmed with worry every day until the test results came back (and she is not worried now).
I'm not sure how you can blame Matty for having a bad heart when you lie like this to your wife for so many years.
Milker.
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You raise a very tough issue and one that will obviously affect your relationship and more pointedly, trust issues. I have no doubt you should tell her, perhaps seek therapy for yourself first and build up your courage and self-esteem (you're not an asshole...just scared sh*tless and we've all been there). While what you've done is a big lie, I really, really believe if you're going to get through this as a person and as a couple is with a good therapist...a third party who can be subjective and who can assist you and your wife with tools to begin communicating rather than getting caught up in the initial anger which is no doubt going to be one of the first, if not the first, issue to rear its ugly head. If she is angry, she has every right to be...allow her that. It's not a negative emotion, rather it's what one does with anger that is positive or negative.
I truly wish you well being at this time in your life and hope you find the support you require in order to get through this.
Best,
Paul
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Call me suspicious, but something smells a little fishy.
If you are not working, as you have stated, and on adap, as you have stated, and you and your wife pack lube, condoms and your medications (in vitamin bottles but accompanied with the relevant script) in your luggage on your frequent trips to the UK, how have you been able to hide your status for such a long time? Has she not asked any questions? How have you responded before?
At the end of the day its a situation you created. Accept your responsibility and get on with it.
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you and matty are the reason some ppl have a skewed view of people and sometimes gay people. You all cry about being judged and then you judge and are quick to try and get revenge or "throw shade." Guess what, this whole post is about coming forward in truth and repairing what i have done. Though at one time i was a coward, i am now a man and am goign to do the right thing. You and ppl like you make me sad. I have no sympathy for people who judge, and he who judges can expect to have "coals heaped upon his head." that said, you just made a huge deposit in the karma bank. Expect payback in some form or another. People in fragile situations should not incur the rather of powers greater than them. You just damned yourself, and as for matty, his very name shows that he has already claimed himself damned, which is a sad thing. I on the other hand, am on the road to redemption.
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you are correct. this is a situation i have created and I am dealing with it. As to all of your other questions, the answers are simply none of your business. What I will say though, is that my wife is a trooper, adn will all my subtle hints, i bet she knows and was waiting for me to come forward, Aside from getting tested for the new job, maybe she told me to force my hand. I wrote a reply to miker above this. you should read it. you fall into the same category. And for the record, youare someone else that I would not like to correspond with, so please refrain from posting in my topic.
Thanks
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Let's stop the judgements and keep the gay issue out of this particular forum. Let's instead focus on the person who has had the brevity to come forward and admit his error(s) and is scared and ashamed and looking for support - let's move forward and not backward. Cool, everyone?
Peace,
Paul
PS I am a gay man and don't judge, nor expect to be judged. Thanks.
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I suggest you talk to a mental health professional. As Paul said, according to your previous posts this doesn't make sense, and so allow us to be wondering what's going on. You may be in the midst of a serious problem dealing with your status, so instead of giving pieces of your life on here that may be interpreted by us in the wrong way, talk to a specialist.
Milker.
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Where you planning on telling her if this job situation was not pushing it to the forefront?
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Call me suspicious, but something smells a little fishy.
If you are not working, as you have stated, and on adap, as you have stated, and you and your wife pack lube, condoms and your medications (in vitamin bottles but accompanied with the relevant script) in your luggage on your frequent trips to the UK, how have you been able to hide your status for such a long time? Has she not asked any questions? How have you responded before?
At the end of the day its a situation you created. Accept your responsibility and get on with it.
Bingo! Steve is right. This stinks to high heaven and a person of such strong religious beliefs would never lie to their wife.
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I am not someone who is not able to solve his own problems. I made this bed, and I am going to lie in it, be a man, and confront the consequences. I dont need a therapist to tell me thats the way to go. I was a coward, but no more.
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we all fall short of the glory of god and sometimes stumble. no one is perfect. and i liken you to matty. Miker is not as bad, but you are matty are like one in the same, as such. i would ask you not to post in this post as i am not interested in knowing you or your opinions. thanks.
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xtente,
call me stupid, but I tend to believe people even if they had a bad start, which was your case when you started to post. If you're telling the truth, and if you want our help, then you need to spit out everything, including why you have protected sex with your wife, and why is she taking the test.
Without those crucial answers, I don't see how we can trust you and help you.
And yes this is coming from me, that you already hate. Forget my name, just think about what you just read.
Milker.
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I replied before seeing your last post. I will refrain from posting anymore on this thread if this is your wish.
Milker.
edited to add: "Good luck and Good night"
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I agree with Milker. There are many, many issues that are raised here...almost too many to put the pieces together and we are not here to make judgements, but we are bound to be curious in order to better understand where you are coming from and how this has gone undetected for so long by your wife. Perhaps she does know or does suspect. By reading these posts, I don't believe anyone here has ill will toward you...perhaps there is an underlying anger about the issue you raise. This is something you should not take personally rather take it as a 'positive' (no pun) - that is because the issue you raise is a HOT topic and is accompanied by a lot of emotional issues. I realy urge you to talk to a professional - perhaps you can find someone who specializes in HIV and the related issues - I know the closer to an urban area you may be, the better your chances of finding a professional who can support you and your wife. Be selctive though as with anything, there are good therapists and bad ones. I hope you find a good one.
Peace,
Paul
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The purpose of a therapist is not to TELL you what to do, but to guide you through the bumps in the road we all stumble upon and to ASSIST us in moving forward. You appear to be close minded about his, yet you posed the issue in your post. Support is of paramount importance to you (and perhaps to your wife in the future). Going it alone is great if you can do that, but there are bound to be some issues which you will personally and as a couple, will undoubtedly require some guidance. Your willingness to seek assistance and guidance as you navigate these issues with your wife will no doubt be a demonstration to her that you are willing to get through this TOGETHER.
Paul
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akasha, I have asked my wife on many occasion "what if I turned up positive" and she said "i would love you just the same." and today I said "waht if you turn up positive" and she said "well if i were positive and you became positive we would at least have each other...forever" Also, the reason she is having a full spectrum blood test including hiv is that she is applying for a job the requires it, and wants everything tested before she applies. she is not suspcious
Ok, so you have tested the waters so to speak by bringing up hiv...I guess that is a start. By no means am I here to judge you. You are the one that married her and you know her better than any of us. From the responses she gave, it sounds like she would be supportive of you and may even understand the reason for keeping it to yourself. I never said she was suspicious, I think you got me confused with another's post.
With starting a thread such as this one, you have to expect some sort of backlash. Take it in stride, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. I understand why you chose to wait to tell her after she gets her results. I didn't take into consideration the worry factor. With the guilt thing you got going on, being upset by someone's post is only adding to the stress. You can not stop someone from posting their thoughts to your thread since you are the one who posted it intially. I would suggest if you see something you don't like to just ignore it or this thread is going to be locked if it turns into a screaming match or baiting.
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One thing I don't understand....don't they test for HIV in the pre-marriage blood tests for STDS? I would think that would be standard procedure by now.....
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Xtente,
Whether you like the responses of myself and certain others is entirely beside the point. I could not possibly care less about your likes or dislikes. We have expressed our views on your comments in a respectful fashion.
If you post publicly in a forum others may reply irrespective of your wishes. The very act of posting publicly invites response from the public.
Ya dig?
MtD
(Who will post whenever the fancy takes him)
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we all fall short of the glory of god and sometimes stumble. no one is perfect. and i liken you to matty. Miker is not as bad, but you are matty are like one in the same, as such. i would ask you not to post in this post as i am not interested in knowing you or your opinions. thanks.
I'll let others play the game with you but for the record I do not believe you are telling the truth. I suggest that anyone offering advice please read all of xtente's past posts before commenting. I am removing myself from this nonsense.
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Time to act.
To become a better person.
To follow an honest path and take the first breath toward redemption.
Drew
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One thing I don't understand....don't they test for HIV in the pre-marriage blood tests for STDS? I would think that would be standard procedure by now.....
Where I am from they don't do any test. You raise your right hand swear you don't have anything. Seriously.
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Xtente, in the future, it would help if you were a bit more upfront with some of the 'details' of your situations when you post. How can anybody wonder if you were planning on telling her with the info. you posted? You should know that you'd get a strong reaction here from having sex with a negative person without disclosing. Would you honestly expect less of a reaction from not only having sex with this person but marrying her? ???
David
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I am not someone who is not able to solve his own problems. I made this bed, and I am going to lie in it, be a man, and confront the consequences. I dont need a therapist to tell me thats the way to go. I was a coward, but no more.
If you were so confident about solving your problems you would not be posting here....
It takes a big person to own up to an error in judgment, but it takes a bigger one to admit when he or she needs help. I would STRONGLY recommend seeking the guidance of a therapist before you proceed. These are professionals that are trained to help you find your OWN answers, not to tell you what to do. It has nothing to do with being weak, or a coward or anything like that. On the contrary, it's the epitome of courage to seek help when you need it most, when the road ahead is dark.
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....I have asked my wife on many occasion "what if I turned up positive" and she ....
The fact of the matter is you aren't just turning up positive, you were positive from the start. A bit different than just turning up positive.
If what you say is true then you most definitely have a difficult road ahead. I have found getting things out the sooner the better and I would not wait to disclose for the results. If they come back negative, it will be very easy to avoid telling again.
Finally, if you are upset with some of the responses or responses from certain members (including me most likely) there is a simple way to prevent being upset it is called the ignore button. Then you won't have to read those responses that you disagree with or responses from people who question some of your posts.
Woods
PS: I thought you wrote a farewell thread a few days back?????
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gee... what a trainwreck of a thread
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I have locked this thread.
I really can't see any good coming from it.
Jan