Disclosure of my HIV Status by Another Person

[acnsc]

To me, disclosure of my HIV+ status is a very private and personal matter when it involves those who are not in the "same boat" as me.  To make a long story short, my partner (who is negative) and I have been together for almost 9 years and I was not diagnosed until about 4 years ago.  Recently, my partner and I have been going through some rough times and are on the verge of splitting up.  This past Sunday, he felt that it was necessary to disclose my status to a member of his family who I have previously requested that she not know for various reasons (mainly her religious beliefs). 

My question is this:  How would any of you handled this situation, and would it have upset or offended you for someone else to disclose your status?  Please let me know what you think and please give me any suggestions.  Thank you!

Aaron

[RapidRod]

Aaron, I'm very open about my life style and my diagnoses of AIDS. I don't see that it is worth the waste of time worrying about the matter. Whats been done has been done. It can't be taken back and fixed.

[Buckmark]

Your partner communicated your status to someone that you had specifically stated
that you did not want knowing your status.  To me, that's a major breach of trust,
particularly for someone who is your partner.  I'm not sure if I would be offended,
as much as angry/betrayed.

I'd want to know why he specifically went against your wishes, and his answer had
better be good.  It's possible he might have a good answer.  But then I couldn't help
but think how many other things he might do/say that you don't want.

Good communication will be the key to working this one out, but when you are having
troubles with your partner, communication often breaks down.  I'm sorry to hear about
your rough times, and I hope they can all be worked out.

Regards,

Henry

[skeebo1969]

   Aaron,

        Did it upset you?   I am assuming that it did.   Your boyfriend and you have been having a rough go at it lately and maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back.   I don't want the person I am in love with telling people I have an upper denture let alone my HIV status...   Where's your trust now?  

    Sorry Aaron I get side tracked easily...  I would not let it bother me, I mean who is she anyways?  She's not your mother...  I would have more of an issue with him, which you guys do...  Look at it this way he just made it easy for you...  He gave himself the boot!

   Just my opinion...  I can look at things backwards sometimes.

   T

[Just John]

Aaron; like you I have a negative partner, and we discussed the issue of disclosure at some length after my diagnosis and like you we decided to keep it between ourselves.

If I ever found out that he'd told someone else I would be devastated; and he would be minus his balls.

I strongly believe that it is entirely YOUR decision as to who and when you disclose; and his betrayal of that trust, that you thought you had between you both speaks volumes about him, in my opinion you're well shot of him.

Like RapidRod says though you can't change the fact, only deal with it. I wouldn't find it easy but; if this ever happenned to me I think that I would then just have to then bite that particular bullet and "come out", at least to my friends and family. I have, I think, some very good reasons for not wanting my family to know, but if it came to it I would rather that they heard it from me than from some vicious gossip.

My thoughts are with you, John.

[AlanBama]

I agree, disclosure is a very personal and private matter.   However, it's been my experience over the past 20 years that if someone knows you are positive, sometimes that is just "too juicy" a tidbit of gossip for them to keep to themselves.

I live in a small town.   I have hiv-negative gay friends, and I'm quite sure they have broadcast it to everyone they know that I am positive (I have gotten some feedback that proves this to be so).   I am to the point that I am tired of worrying about who knows and who doesn't.   No one pays my bills, so I honestly don't care anymore.   I am still trying to keep it quiet on my part-time job, but even some there know, so I'm sure it is only a matter of time until word gets around.     When your face looks like mine and you are 6'2" and weigh 150, it is hard for people not to notice you and speculate.

best of luck,
Alan

[acnsc]

Thank you all for your comments.  I will definitely take it to heart and try to figure out where to go from here.  It means a lot more coming from people in the same position as me. 

It's not necessarily that I don't want people to know, it's just that there are certain people that I don't feel need to know.  Yes, we had discussed whether or not he would tell his sister (who is the one he told) and I thought that we had an understanding of why I didn't feel the need to tell her.  His mom and his aunt DO know, but that was by my choice and it should have been left at that.  My point to him was that if he felt that he needed to talk to his sister about whatever problems that we are having, then he could have done that without disclosing my status and gotten around the issue.  The HIV status is NOT the only problem that we are encountering and I feel more distrust towards him now for telling her.  He also discussed my status with her over the phone while she was at home alone.  I may be crazy, but I don't believe in telling my friends/family or his family members over the phone.  That is a sensitive subject and I feel that in my best interest of those I care about that they only hear from me when we are face to face, that way if they need to not be left alone after getting that kind of news then I can be there or at least wait with them until someone else comes home. 

OK, I'm just rambling now, but I really do appreciate all of the feedback from all of you!  It means a lot to have a support system, even if we are only online together.  I know that it has been a while since I have posted anything, but remembered about this forum today and wanted to get some other opinions. 

Thank you again!

Aaron

[clarke]

If it had been me, I'd have felt "betrayed" by him breaking the trust.

It sounds from what you have written how he's handled things that he is trying to distance himself, and have his family distance themselves from you.  Telling people over the phone?  Telling people you've expressed to not be told?

From here, and what I've read, your "partner" (for me, it would be ex-partner) has definite issues.  I think there's more going on than even you might know about?

[acnsc]

What you all have said is true and hits home.  It does sound like to me that he is attempting to distance himself from me and at the same time distancing his family from me as well.  Even though he has stated that he wants to work things out, I still see signs from him that tell me otherwise. 

As far as I am concerned, he has written his own ticket out of the relationship because I do feel betrayed and I can't help but wonder who else he may have told and then asked them not to say anything to me about it in hopes that I wouldn't find out. 

I know that I have said it before, but thank you all for your suggestions and advice.  It means a lot coming from you.  If you have any other questions or comments, please feel free to post them. 

Have a wonderful day everyone!

Aaron