Am I at risk? or just paranoid?

[firstone2k]

Unfortunately I'm a very paranoid person, so you reading this may make you think I'm mad to think i could have contracted HIV.

Anyway, I am 21, male and have had sexual contact with numerous other guys, around my age. If I have ever had sex, which is a few times, it has been with a condom (and a slightly thicker condom). If anyone has had with sex with me, which was twice, then one time they used a condom and did not ejaculate inside me, and the second person used a condom (well 2 actually I'm so paranoid...I know that's not the best idea but they did not fall off whatsoever) and ejaculated after they pulled out anyway (though I'm slightly thinking they didn't and only said that was the case because they knew I'm so paranoid, and actually ejaculated as they were pulling out).

I read today that HIV can be contracted through mucous membranes, including the head of the penis. I am circumcised if that makes any difference (apparently it may slightly reduce the risk?). So, from this, if someone ejaculates and some semen comes into contact with the head of my penis, does that have a risk? I always try to even prevent that happening, but perhaps in the past semen may have come into contact there and this therefore worries me. I understand HIV is most commonly transferred by unprotected anal sex, which I know never to do, however I only read today that the penis head is a mucous membrane so if infected semen comes into contact with that, does it pose a risk? Or am I just being paranoid? I'm too scared to even let someone have sex with me ever, even with a thicker 'ultra safe' condom. My paranoia is really bad.

[RapidRod]

You had no risk. Take time to read the lessons on transmission. You can find the link in the "Welcome" thread at the top of the page.

[Ann]

first,

Hiv is a fragile, difficult to transmit virus that is primarily transmitted INSIDE the body, during unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse. It is NOT transmitted outside the body. Getting someone's semen on your penis is NOT a risk for hiv infection.

As long as you've been using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, then you have not had a risk for hiv.

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together. To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex with a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through all three condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

ALTHOUGH HIV TESTING IS NOT NECESSARY FOLLOWING PROTECTED INTERCOURSE, anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results. Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv.

Ann

[firstone2k]

Just following up on my previous post, although it was several years ago.

I went through a bad period last year when a guy basically mocked my HIV anxiety and pretended he was infected. It led to extreme stress and I had to test twice. This is despite us having protected sex one time, there was very brief oral (me on him) but that was it. Since then, despite battling to retain common sense I've found myself worrying again.

Since that last test, I have had sexual contact but only mutual masturbation. And no 'incidents' that I'd worry about, i.e. someone else's semen getting on somewhere I'd worry about etc.

However, I'm finding myself irrationally worried about probably the least likely encounter. It was from a guy I literally just kissed-not for excessively long, however it was french kissing over the course of an evening. That's all we did. I KNOW that it is said time and time again this is no risk. I think a lot of the feeling is just guilt and just my obvious anxiety about HIV that has been there for years. However, I also feel I cannot trust him-he lied about his age to start with (he's 31 not 26) and this miss-trust has put some doubts in my mind.

I have talked about HIV with him several times, he says my anxiety doesn't worry him and he's healthy. I think he's being about as blasé as a normal person would about it. He's also said things in the past like if he came to my house he'd get blood tests etc before just as he knows it worries me. All this talk concerns me.

My opinion is that because there's been few if any documented cases of transmission through kissing, it's just ignored. I have seen a therapist over my anxiety and have discussed this. I think the same of oral-there must be some transmissions this way but to not over-complicate things or to create extra anxiety, any cases of transmission that heavily suggest oral seem to be ignored or dismissed as people not admitting what they really got up to. The therapist said that once diagnosed, even if people plead they didn't have unprotected sex or share needles, it doesn't matter anymore as they just concentrate on treating them. I've seen the exact same response on here when people have said they could have only got it from kissing.

Why are people ignored if they think they got it from oral or kissing? I have always feared this happening to me and just being dismissed as a liar. I have not had unprotected sex ever, and have not done anything to realistically put me at risk since my last test. I am obviously concerned about this kissing and would like a response to my point please. Rather than a standard 'kissing is no risk' response as I've read this 1000 times. I know it's not a risk but when someone comes along and insists they did nothing else but are positive, it's just swept to one side. Can I stop worrying? I don't want to give in and have a test as I know this will make things worse-something else will only happen in a few months and I'll start worrying all over again.

I also wonder why despite the advice about non-risks given out here, this is totally turned on its head as you advise people to test once or twice a year regardless. Why? Would you advise me to have full STD tests, it'll be a year in a few months since my last tests yet I've not even had sex. It's almost like you're saying kissing and oral are zero risk.....but we're not medical experts, don't really know so please have a test once or twice a year just in case!

I think you guys do a tireless and brilliant job so please don't think I'm criticising-I hope you can appreciate and respond to my points.

[Andy Velez]

The reason we recommend having a full STD panel done at least annually is because other STDs are much easier to acquire than HIV.

I'm not willing to get into a theoretical discussion with you about non-risks. You don't have to believe anything we tell you if you don't want to. You can use your theories to guide your own behavior if you want to.

But sexually the only confirmed risks for the sexual transmission of HIV are unprotected vaginal and anal sex.

 

[firstone2k]

I am just updating this post as I am concerned.

My risk still remains to only be kissing a few people since my last test (a year ago almost) and mutual masturbation. In most cases there wouldn't even be a theoretical chance of transmission as no bodily fluids got near me.

There's only one guy I'm concerned about, he lied to me from day one about his age and I just do not trust him. I have asked him his HIV status and he's stated it's negative, however a while ago he did say something along the lines of he knows how difficult it must be to living with HIV as a gay man-admitting it to your family etc. This just worried me that he was talking about himself.

The main reason for my concern is that I am reading the newly diagnosed forum and there are so many examples of people that say they've never had unprotected sex...they can count their sexual partners on one finger etc. Yes, some may have forgotten an incident or be lying but clearly there are people on this site that only have protected sex yet clearly have still become infected.

This just really worries me. What's to say that I didn't contract HIV from kissing this guy? No, I do not remember blood but I remember my tongue or gum was sore the next day. Did we both have to be bleeding? It's like I'm looking for the extreme case (i.e. us both profusely bleeding, which is ridiculous) but then again why look for the extreme anymore. Why is it constantly and religiously stated that only unprotected sex and needles transmit HIV, when there are a significant number of people on this site who are diagnosed but swear blind they only have ever practiced safe sex.

It just makes me very worried about my incidents. I have been feeling unwell a lot this year-in April-May time I was extremely lethargic for several weeks for example. I last was with him on the 4th March and felt like that towards the end of April...I guess that illness from HIV doesn't come on that quickly anyway? And it seems too long for seroconversion.

Sorry to drag on but the persistent messages on this site about non-risk situations and infection just really concerns me. Why does everyone keep saying you only get it from unprotected sex when that's clearly not the rule.

[Andy Velez]

I'm not willing to get into a theoretical discussion with you about non-risks. You don't have to believe anything we tell you if you don't want to. You can use your theories to guide your own behavior if you want to.

But sexually the only confirmed risks for the sexual transmission of HIV are unprotected vaginal and anal sex.

 

I don't have anything to add to previous exchanges because you simply did not have a risk. Period. Whether you accept that or not I can tell you that if you continue to return to argue about the same non-risk, you will find yourself getting a Time Out from the site. HIV is not your problem at this point. Period.

[firstone2k]

Ok thank you. I was just concerned after reading numerous stories here of people contracting HIV despite safe sex, plus the story here from a gay rights activist and journalist, who contracted it through kissing his partner:

http://gaylife.about.com/cs/hivaids1/a/hivstory.htm

I hope you can understand from the linked story (and why would a credited gay rights activist make this up) why I am concerned. I promise I will not post more on the matter.

[Andy Velez]

Just because someone is an activist and reports having gotten infected through kissing does not make that a confirmed and reliable report. Among other reasons to doubt such claims is that often even well meaning people for various reasons don't remember everything they did and with whom. 

You would do yourself a very big favor if you stopped surfing the net because I can promise you all that you will do is find fodder to feed your worst fears ...and to no good purpose.

If we had any reason to doubt about your non-risk we would tell you so. We're very careful about how we evaluate each person's concerns.

Get on with your life. Really.

[firstone2k]

My female friend has been concerned about HIV for years (no reason in particular) and has never tested. She had been in Australia for around a year, back in the UK now.

She slept with a guy who insisted on not using a condom. He is known to be promiscuous and she says she contracted gonorrhoea from the incident. He did not ejaculate inside her.

We were out a few months ago and her thumb started bleeding from biting it. I also had a cut on my hand right near the bottom of my little finger. It wasn't fresh but had kept bleeding as my hands were so dry in the weather.

On the way home she had a bag of crisps and offered me some. My concern is that her thumb may have still been bleeding as she was fiddling with it. Some blood may have been wiped inside the packet, then touching my cut when I reached inside.

I've read varying posts about how long it takes HIV to be inactive on contact to air. Plus no idea if she or I were still bleeding. I'm so concerned as the guy she slept with clearly already passed on an STD, doesn't her contracting gonorrhoea mean the chance of getting HIV if he had it, much higher? Or is that only if she already had it?

The guy had also slept with at least one prostitute and the scene my friend was on (with which the guy slept with a load of them) were drug users.

Is it impossible for me to contract anything from the incident described even if we were both bleeding or my cut had been re-opened very recently? What if her fresh blood got into my open cut in that split second?

I appreciate this seems ridiculous. However, my concern is that I keep reading stories of gay men on this forum who insist they have only ever practised safe sex yet they contracted HIV. Yes some may be lying or guilty, but clearly not all of them are lying. It's easy to toss aside those stories of contracting it having not had unprotected sex or from IV equipment etc but surely some of them are true? Why are they ignored?

[RapidRod]

My female friend has been concerned about HIV for years (no reason in particular) and has never tested. She had been in Australia for around a year, back in the UK now.

She slept with a guy who insisted on not using a condom. He is known to be promiscuous and she says she contracted gonorrhoea from the incident. He did not ejaculate inside her.

We were out a few months ago and her thumb started bleeding from biting it. I also had a cut on my hand right near the bottom of my little finger. It wasn't fresh but had kept bleeding as my hands were so dry in the weather.

On the way home she had a bag of crisps and offered me some. My concern is that her thumb may have still been bleeding as she was fiddling with it. Some blood may have been wiped inside the packet, then touching my cut when I reached inside.

I've read varying posts about how long it takes HIV to be inactive on contact to air. Plus no idea if she or I were still bleeding. I'm so concerned as the guy she slept with clearly already passed on an STD, doesn't her contracting gonorrhoea mean the chance of getting HIV if he had it, much higher? Or is that only if she already had it?

The guy had also slept with at least one prostitute and the scene my friend was on (with which the guy slept with a load of them) were drug users.

Is it impossible for me to contract anything from the incident described even if we were both bleeding or my cut had been re-opened very recently? What if her fresh blood got into my open cut in that split second?

I appreciate this seems ridiculous. However, my concern is that I keep reading stories of gay men on this forum who insist they have only ever practised safe sex yet they contracted HIV. Yes some may be lying or guilty, but clearly not all of them are lying. It's easy to toss aside those stories of contracting it having not had unprotected sex or from IV equipment etc but surely some of them are true? Why are they ignored?

Seek professional help for your phobias and take the time to read the lessons on transmission. You never had a risk.

[Ann]

fir,

Hiv is not transmitted from objects in the environment.

Hiv is a fragile, difficult to transmit virus that is primarily transmitted INSIDE the human body, as in unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse where the virus never leaves the confines of the two bodies.

Once outside the body, small changes in temperature, and pH and moisture levels all quickly damage the virus and render it unable to infect. For this reason, if there had been blood on the bag and you touched it, it would no longer be viable and able to infect.

If you two both deliberately cut your fingers and immediately rubbed and held the cuts together (like people used to do to become "blood brothers"), then you might have a problem if she is positive. But what you describe is NOT a risk.

I hope you can urge your friend to test for hiv. In this day and age it's only a death sentence when people refuse to test and only discover they are positive when they're deathly ill in hospital. People can and do go from feeling perfectly fine one week and being very, very seriously ill and fighting for their lives the next. There's no need for this unnecessary suffering in the 21st century. Get her to test so that if she is poz, she can start taking steps to insure her life, health and longevity.

Ann

[firstone2k]

Hi there,

Just replying to my old post to keep my thoughts and questions here collectively.

I have met a guy, he has never engaged in any sexual activity with any guy before. He's 23 and I'm 25, previously he was in a monogamous relationship with a girl for quite a long time. They had unprotected sex often.

As we're in the UK and he was in a heterosexual relationship at uni with this girl, and they weren't sleeping around, I'd say the risk of him having HIV is extremely low-agreed? Especially as he's never done anything with a guy, let alone unprotected sex. Particularly as the cultural barriers of them being asian (indian origin) would also mean she's not throwing herself out there!

Anyway, based on my own anxiety plus my desire to educate him and be fully comfortable with him, I would like to get us both tested at some point. Until then I will not perform oral sex (I tried it with a condom and it is not recommended!). I am also a bit paranoid about kissing. I know that this isn't a method of transmission without copious amounts of blood etc. However I remember reading on Medhelp, where I'd say the HIV specialists there have similar views to those on here, one doctor discussed an incident where two people kissed for 30 minutes and he re-assessed the risk based on this.

As we're dating and aren't doing much else sexually, we are kissing a lot. Whilst a one time encounter may be extremely low to zero risk, am I putting myself at more risk by doing this regularly and for extended periods?

[Andy Velez]

Kissing of any sort is not a risk for HIV transmission.

But one ought never take someone's supposed history or what they report at face value and as a basis for making decisions about what to do or not do sexually. Often even well meaning people don't accurately know their HIV status.

So getting tested with your friend at a point when you can get accurate test results is a good idea. And even if you both test negative you should still be using condoms for intercourse unless you have both agreed to be in a securely monogamous relationship. Until if and when you reach that point, a condom is a must everytime for intercourse.