POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: dazedandconfused on August 03, 2006, 05:09:45 pm
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I've been in an open relationship with another man for 5+ yrs. we are really good friends and love each other but I've been unhappy for a while and suggested counseling which he didn't want to pursue.
now he is hiv+ and has expressed an interest in still having an open relationship.
I've had a change of heart about open relationships. I made a point of talking about this in our last session with a therapist. That specific topic was shelved because he said he doesn't even want to be sexual "right now anyway". The therapist (also a gay man) acknowleged that gay men have an innate desire to hunt and some decision has to be made about what to do with that energy, all of which sounds like complete horseshit to me.
Do I need to be more sensitive to all this since he only found out less than a month ago?
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Hello
Maybe HIV has got not much to do with it.....your needs have changed in the relationship, so I guess you have to figure out how important that is to you.
Coen
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So an "innate desire to hunt." I thought gays had an innate desire to shop? Sounds like horseshit to me.
Wow, this is tough...newly diagnosed and relationship problems. I would not even begin to try to tell you where to start. You mentioned you have been unhappy for awhile. Is your unhappiness pre or post diagnosis? Right now all I can suggest is honest communication between you and your lover...and patience.
Good Luck,
Hal
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hey Dachshund,
The frustration was "pre" diagnosis. I'd suggested going to a therapist several weeks before but he declined stating "things would work themselves out". After his diagnosis, he was all ready and willing to go to therapy, especially since I hinted that I might leave.
I went on a sabbatical this last summer and it really changed my outlook on life, plus I just turned 40.
Its really hard since his I'm very close with his family and vice-versa. His father (who passed away several years ago) was really a father figure to me. His dad actually rebuilt the bed at their home to accommodate me since I'm so tall.
From my perspective, his diagnosis is just a catalyst for the way things were going already. Over the past years, I've gotten in better shape and my sexual attraction to him had dropped. Now, after the diagnosis, it's about "zero" and I said as much last night in therapy, which, oddly, didn't seem to faze him.
I'm starting to feel the need for action rather than all this belly-aching I've been doing.
--dac
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Sounds like you have already answered your questions.
Good Luck,
Hal
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Dac,
I have no real solutions for you, but perhaps a piece of insight. I think his non-reaction to you saying you're not attracted to him is pretty common. If he was just diagnosed I would imagine he's just numb. Not much is going to phase him. You could cut off his right arm and he'd just think, 'yep, life is a pain'. That's my guess from my experience. I can't say I know what your boyfriend is really feeling.
But I'd suggest that if you do love him so it might be nice of you to help him through this hard time. And if he insists on an open relationship you can date others concurrently to helping him. I guess I just wonder what the need for the big axe is right now? Are you currently dating someone you want to leave him for?
brian
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Hey Brian,
No there is no specific hurry but I've felt like we been moving apart for a while. I do want to help him but we are currently living together, though we sleep in seperate places. I'm not dating or seeing anyone else. The longer we live together, the more he might think we might get back together which seems less like a possibility (as I see it) each day.
Plus, I really think he should be reaching out to friends (which he hasn't) and going to poz group meetings (which he hasn't).
I feel like moving out but staying in the area and staying in touch.
--dac
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Sounds like the "open relationship" that you brought up in your first post isn't really a factor at all.
If you lost interest in him sexually because you got in better shape, and lost whatever interest was left because of his HIV diagnosis--well, if I were him, I would be saying "don't do me any favors, please...and don't let the door hit ya in the ass on your way out..."
Just my opinion on how I'd react if I were him and read this post.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
Maybe you could pass this website on to him, as it might be a better resource for him--particularly right now.
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Dac,
Well, I would imagine if you move out it's over, fine, done, i.e. don't talk to me ever again. You speak of love, maturity and commitment...I imagine nothing could test that more in you right now. You could tell him you have no idea if you'll be together for the long run, but what's more important is him just getting back on his feet right now, and you'll do anything to make that happen. Isn't that what love is all about? It seems there are solutions to what is obviously a difficult situation, but you keep shooting them down. You, obviously, just want out. I can't truly know what your situation is, but I do get the sense that you want to run away from what is a pretty scary thing...HIV. That is up to you.
If he was diagnosed less than a month ago I'd cut him some slack. Hopefully he will reach out to friends and a support group...tell him to come here! But he's really barely had a minute to process what he's going through in the HIV time-scale. I would imagine right now he's frozen in shock, and that's extremely understandable.
You're obviously torn between what Dac wants, and what Dac's BF needs. Did you come here to get permission to dump your HIV+ BF from HIV+ people?
And really...if HIV wasn't the real issue...why would you ask OUR opinion?
Just my thoughts Dac.
Brian
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I never believed in open relationship personally... Dac I would back off a bit.. HIV is in the forfront right now. I think you are stronger together than apart. To early to make any big decisions other than to back off the sex shit for right now...
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Hey Brian,
Whoa! Getting harsh! No I wasn't looking for permission or anything like that. I'm conscious of the fact that this is a new world. I figured I'd like to hear what people who are part that world would have to say since I'm sure we're not the first couple to go through this.
As the days go on, comments like the ones form bobik and ademas (it's not hiv and it's not the former "open" relationship) it's more the feeling I just need to move on.
Thanks for all your comments guys (gals?)! Please sir, may I have another?
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Hello Dazedandconfused, it is Eldon. First of all I would like to welcome you to the forums where you will find the love and support you need. There is a lot of information here.
You've been in this relationship for over (5) five years now and you both have grown to love each other and are the best of friends. Don't throw it all away, there is more than something there in your relationship.
Your partner has contracted HIV and he is probably scared to death about it. As Eric had stated you need to backoff on the sex issue as sex is not the main wheel of your relationship. Focus on communication, and try to gain an understanding about what is going on.
You will have mixed feelings about this situation, but until you are able to sit down and talk about it, whatever is holding this relationship back will keep holding it back until you have open an honest communication with one another.
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Dac,
I don't mean to be harsh or confrontational. These are just my thoughts and opinions based on what you've said. I imagine I do mean to be direct, but you shouldn't construe that in a negative matter. Just some things to think about from a person on the 'other side'.
Like I said, I truly can not know your situation.
brian