Diagnosed in October and cannot cope with life

[Snh47]

I'm 19, somewhat bisexual but mostly straight, living in Texas with conservative parents who I depend on. I'll quickly preface and say that I read the rules and I hope I follow them all, but I'm in a moment of extreme panic and I'm not sure I processed it all. I just need for people to understand me. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in February of 2020 and it makes it nearly impossible for me to get anything done without extreme effort and exhaustion. I am medicated. I have never even particularly enjoyed sex but did it more for a feeling of control. I am only rarely attracted to men whatsoever and never particularly enjoy sex with them. I had sex with one in September of 2021, and tested positive the next month. The same month that two family members close to me passed from covid, I had to drop out of my dream college because of finances, and I hadn't been working for three months specifically to go to this school. My Dr prescribed me symtuza because he said it seems to have the least effect on mental health in his experience. The price makes me feel numb. Janssen Carepath has taken care of the cost so far, but I know there's a limit to how much they'll cover and every single month without fail, no matter how many calls I make or how early I try to get on top of it, there is a confusing problem that somehow delays when I can get my symtuza and I have to go without it. The longest has been six days two months ago. I am currently on day two without it and trying to get it. I can hardly take a shower and yet I have to exert immense effort just to take what I need to to save my life. I need support so badly, and I have a therapist and have told a single close friend who has diabetes so she can slightly relate, but it is just not realistic to keep missing doses every month something goes wrong. Medical bills are piling up from Dr visits and blood tests. I swear I am trying to find a job but to hang up a shirt tortures me. My family knows something is wrong. I don't know how to exist. I don't know how to tell them. Will they be furious and assume I'm gay? I think LGBTQ is wonderful and natural but they do not hold the same view. Will they be furious that I could be so reckless as to not use protection? I know I can't tell them how I got it. I have to make sure no non-heterosexual activity is mentioned at all. I don't want them to have this label attached to my name every time they think of me, or be panicked for my health before knowing the facts. I don't understand how I could have been so reckless and idiotic. I don't know what to do or what I need. I don't want them to know but as the months go by it seems like I can't even have my own choice. My last blood test showed that I was down from 189000 to 182 copies, and the doctor said a week ago that he would be shocked if I weren't already undetectable, so sure, it's lucky that I -mostly- can't give it to anyone, but I am just completely stuck. I don't know what to ask other than to please help me.

[Tonny2]

            ojo.              Hi there!. You are a young man and it has to be very difficult to get a dx like you just got. I’m sorry for that but, guess what?, nobody can tell by looking at you that you are hiv positive and, you don’t have to tell anyone, no even to your family, that you are hiv positive, so, relax and we are here for you, you can count on us for support and information. I know what living with anxiety is, and I feel for you but, Xanax help me when I get anxious due to my pains, I don’t use it everyday, it might be different for you living with depresión and anxiety, I hope and treatment for those conditions help you.

There are programs that might help you with treatment and meds (Ryan white Foundation), I’m not familiar with it but, someone else on here might give you more information about it…again, hang in there, you are not alone and you will be ok after you learn to live with this virus, it only takes a pill a day to control hiv so you can take back control of your life again…we had a member here who was your age and diagnosed with AIDS which means he got infected when he was a little boy, he was sexually abused by a relative, it was difficult for him but, he fought against hiv/aids and won, he finished his college education and now, he is a nurse and living a happy life with his girlfriend, yes, he is straight. This viruse doesn’t care if you are straight, gay or woman, if you don’t practice safer sex you run the risk of acquiring the virus…well, I wish you the best, be strong, you don’t have to tell anyone about your status, at least, until you digest the news about your hiv dx…hugs

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Sorry to hear about the HIV diagnosis, but glad you picked up on it early and have access to treatment.

I can't comment on the costs considering I don't live in the US. Things work differently here. However, there is a POZ.com basic that might help, and I am sure people living in the US might have some tips. https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/paying-care-treatment

About running out of meds and missing doses, I always try to get my refills a few days early each time to build up small stock. That way, I still have meds, should I ever be unable to get a prescription filled on time. It takes time to build up small stock, though, and I always use the oldest first. Not sure if that would work for you, but that's how I manage it.

Reading your post, dropping out of college is a concern. You are 19, and if you can somehow get back into college, I would recommend it despite the costs.

"I'll quickly preface and say that I read the rules and I hope I follow them all"

Well, that makes you one of the first, I think. Don't stress too much about the rules. If something ever comes up, it's my job to worry about it 

My family knows something is wrong. I don't know how to exist. I don't know how to tell them. Will they be furious and assume I'm gay? I think LGBTQ is wonderful and natural but they do not hold the same view. Will they be furious that I could be so reckless as to not use protection? I know I can't tell them how I got it. I have to make sure no non-heterosexual activity is mentioned at all. I don't want them to have this label attached to my name every time they think of me, or be panicked for my health before knowing the facts.

Before telling anyone about your HIV status, prehaps ask yourself why would you and what do you want to get out of sharing your personal health information...?

Keep in mind that you can't control what others think, and in life, people will label and judge you for even trivial shit like how you are dressed when walking down the street. Outside your control, and it's just natural behaviour.

What is within your control is deciding if you want to tell people or not about your manageable health conditions, and if you do decide to tell, you can control how you deliver that message/news. Many people live with manageable health conditions and don't make it public knowledge.

I don't know what to ask other than to please help me.

There is a lot on your plate right now. Stop adding to it. Focus on prioritizing what you need to get sorted and work only on those issues/items before even thinking about other issues like how others might think about you if and when you ever tell them.

Understand being newly diagnosed with HIV can feel overwhelming. Try to keep in m mind that you are not alone