What is the biggest personal challenge you face regarding your hiv status?

[abrokenman]

ThanX 4 the concern/advice Ptrk3 but I have NO more fight in Me nor do I want to have more.

I have an appointment very soon with someone to talk (out) about my feelings but guess what, I can talk to a pencil and get the same emotion back. What - they are going to say "It's okay as long as you take you medication Daily" Well guess what... My daily dose suppresses HIV but not MY inner thoughts/feelings/beliefs so therefore I'm left with those dark depressing moments with no way out and WHAT... I'm expected to feel like "but , hey at least I take a dose of pills a day" and ALL is fine".

I have no support here, in this forum; as I have not been on here since December 2016 and guess what.... No PM's, no replies to <MY last replies/post only thing I see is everything moving forward and the not so recent past forgotten. Oh, that's because EVERYONE is taking their Once a day med and all is well. Besides, Who said it will be the disease that claims My Life - I'm much smarter than that. Check MATE!

[Ptrk3]

Perhaps when you talk to whomever it is with which you have an appointment, you could discuss with him or her whether seeking a medical professional who could prescribe you an appropriate antidepressant to improve the quality of your life is something you should pursue. 

You do sound depressed.  Many people here in these forums, including me, can empathize with you.  Yes, life can be tough for anyone, no matter his or her HIV status and every self-reflecting person has dark nights of the soul, but by understanding the reasons for our unhappiness or dissatisfaction, we can find the strength and grace to persevere, endure.

Here's a recent piece on depression worth reading:

http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2017/02/a-new-way-to-understand-and-treat-depression.html?mid=full-rss-scienceofus

Don't take it personally that people don't "PM" you.  Aside from my fellow moderators I don't get many PM's, or send them (unless I feel that someone is in dire straits).  I prefer writing in the open forums because you never know when someone may read something you wrote and feel support and camaraderie.  There is always support here for you as long as you are open to looking for it and finding it here and there, when it may be least expected.

Also, over the last couple of years, even, it does seem like traffic on these forums has gone down (other than the always active "Am I Infected?"--which is transient, since people get what they need and move on), as people for whatever reason adjust and move on with their lives.

Please continue to be active with these forums and seek whatever assistance you may need to improve your outlook on life.

My thoughts are with you and your struggles:  I wish you peace of mind.

[Jim Allen]

Hi

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time and hope things look better for you soon. Do check the links Patrick provided and also talk to your doctor about how you feel. Some of the HIV meds do enhance mood and feelings so that is another reason to flag any such problems with your doctor.

As for the PM's and the site, if you need us or need to vent or talk feel free to post we are all here for each other, however yes life with HIV nowadays for most members mean they take a pill a day and move on with life, it does not hold them back or hinder them and so to be honest its a good thing that over time places like this are less and less needed.

Take it easy and if you need to talk we're here.

Jim

[spicy1]

Anxiety is my greatest battle which seem to be affecting my mental health and im permanently on tension relaxers and sleeping tablets

[awakening]

If you have access to a meditation or mindfulness class, I recommend it. It can change your life for the better in terms of stress reduction.

[newbie2016]

Abrokenman,, sorry don't know how to reply to your post..I like your comments and that is excatly how i feel, "sure we take our meds, but it doesnt help with the rest of our thoughts and feelings".
I fully get that.

[Angelvera]

My major challenge is getting married. Am from a society where as a woman if you are not married at the age of 27-30 your people will use you as a case study and also a prayer point, even trying to know why you are still single at 32. I had to move on not caring about what my people will think about me. I got admitted into the university to keep my body and soul busy in order not to worry much, yet i have the challenge on how to settle my bills, like paying school fees, rent and able to live comfortable without looking up to anyone. Its really not easy when most time i wake up knowing i need to go for lectures but no money to get there, most times coming back know i need to take my drugs but no food to eat to keep strong. Its not easy though but am struggling hard to pull through. Everyone is waiting for me to come home and tell them hey! He is coming to pay my bride price, lol. Trust Africans and their mentalities about marriage. All the same am a strong woman.

[Cerise_81]

My biggest personal problem is dealing with the mood swings/depression. Wanting love and and having little difficulty finding friends that you can trust and be comfortable around. I already had low self esteem growing up, and now this, is like a blow it my confidence. There are days that can go by and I'm doing great, days and month, but there are the days Not wanting to deal with the daily stress and worries, questioning what's my purpose, why am I alive. But having faith, hope and strength while shedding a some tears get me through. Dealing with all the questions like why are you single with no kids at the age of 36. I hate it. I hate it because I want it. That's all I ever dreamt about, having my own family.

[PozLawyer]

The knowledge that if I had started PrEP about 8 weeks earlier in 2014, I could still be negative today.  We know from VL tests that confirmed neg so I could start PrEP, but I could not afford to fill the script (and did not know about copay assistance).  Continued boinking around, decided to get retested with a VL test once I COULD afford the script, and bingo, HIV+.

Then they had *new* scripts for me.

[leatherman]

The knowledge that if I had started PrEP about 8 weeks earlier in 2014

however if you had started using condoms to protect yourself from gonorrhea, chlamydia, or syphilis, you could have also avoided HIV. The problem wasn't that you couldn't afford PrEP; but that you were not protecting yourself. I would suggest that not starting PrEP is not the biggest personal challenge you face regarding your HIV status; but not getting PrEP was a challenge regarding keeping your HIV negative status.

what sort of challenges do you face now in regards to your HIV positive status?

[kentfrat1783]

Hi All,

Hope all are having a great start to their weekend.  That is if you have it off or working.

I was Dx'd in May after being admitted to the hospital and the doctors couldn't figure out why I was so sick.  Well they started asking questions and done one test and found it.  Well an ID doctor also came in to see me and he knew I had PCP even before the blood work and he was right. 

Since then it has been a little up and down for me.  I started on Atripla about a month after my Dx and my CD4 went from 2 to 42 and VL from 169k to 54.  Taking the pills at the same time is my hardest challenge.  I am slowly moving when I take the Atripla at night to 10pm and going to get it to about 10:30. It is funny that some nights I don't even remember taking the pill so I could them and sure enough I did.  I want to get back to hitting the gym at my normal time.

I've had depression and anxiety prior to the Atripla and it isn't anything different prior to so not worried about the side effects of it.  Just hard having the Dx and not really wanting others to know what I have.  I have a few nurse friends and I've never told them the Dx but used clues so not sure if they connected the dots yet.  A few close family members know and my best friend knows.  He is totally cool with it.  I have one other friend I want to tell but just haven't yet.  He's been concerned about me but don't want to talk about it when his kids are around. 

The side effects of the pills haven't been bad either.  The first few months my body was getting adjusted to them but nothing too extreme.  It's been better then I would have thought.

My ID doctor is still concerned about me.  He still says he's never seen a CD4 count so low and wants me to get some immunizations but won't even think of it until my count is over 100.  He isn't even talking about 200 yet.  At least he is honest and upfront.

Doesn't help that there aren't any support groups in my area (at least none that I can find).  The closest one is like 1.5 hours away. 

Just need to take it one day at a time and keep an open mind.

Kenneth

[PozLawyer]

however if you had started using condoms to protect yourself from gonorrhea, chlamydia, or syphilis, you could have also avoided HIV. The problem wasn't that you couldn't afford PrEP; but that you were not protecting yourself. I would suggest that not starting PrEP is not the biggest personal challenge you face regarding your HIV status; but not getting PrEP was a challenge regarding keeping your HIV negative status.

what sort of challenges do you face now in regards to your HIV positive status?

The mental health implications that come with that knowledge are a current challenge that relate to my HIV+ status.  I am well aware that PrEP does not protect against those other illnesses.  My choice then and now was to not use condoms, and I am aware that left me open to many STD's not just HIV.   But thank you for the lecture on condoms. 

[den2542]

I can't begin to tell you all how helpful your posts and this thread has been for me today. I realized that the feelings and thoughts I have are not just my own, they are ours. I too have many of these same struggles. I for one was infected in a workplace situation which was confirmed. That is not to say that I wasn't sorta promiscuous in my younger days. I am hard on myself because I carry so much guilt and shame. I learned I was Poz one year after getting married and spouse was pregnant back in 93. I was in a career in which employees were expected to be strong minded. After
They put us in the hospital for 2 weeks and the windows were blacked out and doors were locked from the inside, I was discharged and allowed back in the career field bc I was asymptomatic.  During the entire marriage I was sidelined and marginalized by the wife and ridiculed for having HIV. I felt like the roommate only to pay the bills. I was in denial abt HIV and felt I could fight it. Wife I think was poisoning my food or at least I thought so. She'd say things like "can't wait till ur dead". The child was negative and so was wife. We had two more kids by sperm donation. At the workcenter I could feel people talking about me... how thin I looked. By 2002 from a CD4 count of 900 in 93 in 2002 i was told in 6 month u will die unless you start meds. Cells were 46. I dtood in front of the mirror and took that pill and literally felt it working. It was Combivir. Before that I'd walk a few steps and had to lay down. I was so out of breath. I could feel life slippjng.  I was so exhausted I was afraid to use AZT bc word on the BBS on the computer said it would kill ya.  I stayed in the marriage 18 years for my kids. Divorced in 2011. She had bipolar, BPD and NPD. I never told her I was on meds, I knew she'd leave. When she found out, and she knew I might live she demanded a divorce after 18 years. Said I could live in the garage. I filed. I had her served. That's when she wanted to change her mind. Said if I gave her a lipo she'd come back. She got on the witness stand and told about my status. Fast forward I am divorced now 6 years. Cd4 went up 200 points and even before the marriage I had quit smoking. I am now on Atripla going to Genvoya soon. After the divorce I had to heal. So I went to get not 1 but 2 master degrees. Lately I think as I get older, what will become of me? I never once thought about not taking my meds bc I remember what it was like to come close to death. My biggest issue now is 1) will I ever find someone or will I die of loneliness. When the thought of being with someone comes I am reminded of everything the doc says about new STDs. Also I worry if anyone found out. I never told the kids or family. My fam is pretty judgemental. So keeping this in is hard. Not having someone to love you 4 u  is hard. Btw I won the divorce case and got joint physical joint legal custody snd no child support. Ex wife turned lesbian. So you can see that your posts mean alot to me. I never told a soul abt my HIV bc I'm afraid to. You all are the only ones. There's alot more I could write like about physical abuse when I was younger, but I think the most things I deal with now are loneliness, grief, sadness, anger, fear, but most of all thankfulness for the meds. I use an ap called Medisafe. Never miss a dose. But still I'm sad. So y'alls posts gave me hope and most of all knowing I'm not alone.

[den2542]

kellyspoppi et all who posted about those that are LTS from the 90s. I am one of those. Being in government and the military we did not dare advocate or disclose.  And secondly, still in government I am here to tell you nothing has changed. It's more covert now than ever before. I would love to post a long discertation on my evidence. But please believe me when I tell you we have made progress but not enough. People look at this as a gay and black disease still. And we on the front lines know its not. I for one was infected as a result of a workplace accident and yes I was promiscuous as a bi man , but it was the workplace accident that got me. Had it not been for those  from the 80s and yes many were gay, and they accepted me with open armed regardless of how I was infected, I would not be here today. I owe my very life to those who came before me in 93.