Author Topic: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz??? (Read 6613 times)

odyssey · « **on:** April 15, 2009, 09:39:38 pm »

So I met this really wonderful guy, and we've had a couple (two) dates which involved watching a movie and cuddling on the couch at my place. We've also spoken on the phone quite a bit. I feel like he might be someone I'd like to pursue I romantic (i.e. boyfriend) relationship with. My question is, when do I tell him I'm poz? I don't want to wait too long, because I want there to be trust between us, but at the same time, I'd like him to get to know me, not just that I'm poz. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions/advice? Thanks!

weasel · « **Reply #1 on:** April 15, 2009, 10:01:17 pm »

Do it gently BUT do it soon !

Trust is a big thing .

Time to trust he will stay .

I wish you all the love in the world

Carl

Longislander · « **Reply #2 on:** April 15, 2009, 10:54:21 pm »

This is a tough decision to make. I waited a month of dating a guy so he could get to know me ( and also because I was new enough to this to not know how/when) to tell him. We didn't have sex, just kissing. By the time I told him, he had decided he had enough feelings for me to go with it, figure out what we could/couldn't do. Lasted a year.

Recently I met a guy I really really liked, and could see myself with. 4 1/2 hrs on the night we met ( again no sex, just kissing) . Two weeks of very long phone calls. After our second date I disclosed to him because I really liked him and wanted hiom to know as soon as possible. Even though he said that 'oddly enough HIV wasn't going to be an issue', he was only 2-3 months out of a 7 yr relationship. He used that as an excuse to drop the phone calling to almost nothing, and I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks.

It's a hugely personal decision to make, and there is no right/wrong answer, as long as you don't put anyone at risk sexually.

I wish you the best.

Paul

odyssey · « **Reply #3 on:** April 15, 2009, 11:34:54 pm »

I would never do anything sexually risky. At this point, we have only kissed, the non-French way. Both of us want to take it slowly in terms of the physicality, and take time to get to know who each other really is. I just hope he doesn't freak out, because he seems like such a wonderful guy and I can see such potential for a relationship between the two of us.

next2u · « **Reply #4 on:** April 15, 2009, 11:36:56 pm »

dude, this has been the topic of numerous threads. i'd suggest querying the forums for what others have posted.

tell him the truth. it tends to be best to tell before sex (to prevent animosity and what not) especially if you plan on keeping him around. i have a 3rd date rule. if i feel theres gonna be a fourth date ill tell by the third date.

it is never a great conversation but it is necessary. and it gets easier (supposedly). keep us posted and good luck!!!

congrats on the romance...i sure could use some : )~

dtwpuck · « **Reply #5 on:** April 16, 2009, 06:26:51 am »

I always tell people right away. And, then I don't talk about it much afterward. I read their body language to determine if they are uncomfortable... not what they say. And then if I have to spend any amount of time educating them, I don't waste my time with the romance part. I don't need people in my life who live in caves. I've been poz a long time and have never had trouble finding people to date, both negative and positive. Usually I end up being the person doing the rejecting because someone doesn't meet my standards. And, if someone rejects me, that's their right. I move on.

jampdx · « **Reply #6 on:** April 16, 2009, 08:20:37 pm »

I'm going with as soon as possible. If he isn't going to be ok with you being positive, it's not going to get better the more he knows you, in fact betrayal might come in then. I've been stressed and pondering this myself, but that's the best I've come up with.

Best to you.

J

everytime · « **Reply #7 on:** April 16, 2009, 09:29:57 pm »

Before having sex..............

clsoca · « **Reply #8 on:** April 16, 2009, 09:43:37 pm »

why not tell immediately, unless your trying to hook and real him in like a fish with bait.

sharkdiver · « **Reply #9 on:** April 17, 2009, 01:16:06 am »

Maybe hold off on the dating until you are comfortable with yourself and your diagnosis? just a thought. I know many people don't want to be alone, but you gotta like yourself first.

odyssey · « **Reply #10 on:** April 17, 2009, 12:43:27 pm »

Well, I told him last night, because I decided I wanted any relationship we might have to be based on trust and honesty. It didn't go that great in my opinion, if only because we're now in the "friend" stage. Apparently, he had a past lover/boyfriend/partner who found out he was poz, seemed healthy, then rapidly became ill and died in less than a year, leaving my "friend" absolutely devasted. Because of this, he is terrified of falling in love with me only to have me die. I told him that HIV is now considered a chronic illness that can be managed like diabetes, and that my doctor said I can expect to live a long life, but he is still very afraid. I ended up doing a lot of crying. He was however, very appreciative that I told him then rather than waiting. In the end, we made a compromise, in which we will hold off on pursuing a romantic relationship so he can see that I'm not dying, and hopefully then when he is reassured of my continued existence, we can move forward with a relationship. I am very sad, but at the same time, I can totally understand why he is afraid, and don't want to hurt him. So I will just wait, and see what happens.

marc11864 · « **Reply #11 on:** April 17, 2009, 07:38:39 pm »

Best way to deal with it. Look it's NEVER going to be an easy thing to tell people. There's stigma still attached to the label even under the best circumstances. But no one can ever say that you weren't respectful to both him and most importantly to yourself. Be proud of yourself and remember, the best things are worth waiting for anyway!

next2u · « **Reply #12 on:** April 18, 2009, 12:06:45 am »

dude,

congrats on the disclosure! yeah, it can be a total bitch and you never know what will happen. seems like things went pretty well.

so, why are you waiting? since this relationship is on "hold" and you two have a mutual understanding of this (u already told him you would be living an average lifespan) why not keep your options open? there's a lot of fish in the sea...or studs in the stable : )~ like, tomorrow is granted to no man...right? while he is waiting to see if you don't die or shrivel up give yourself and someone else the option of enjoying your vibrancy here & now.

unless you two plan on canoodling on a regular basis, for all intents and purposes you are single and ready to mingle : ). enjoy whatever you end up doing and congrats again!

Ann · « **Reply #13 on:** April 18, 2009, 06:51:36 am »

Quote from: marc11864 on April 17, 2009, 07:38:39 pm

Look it's NEVER going to be an easy thing to tell people. There's stigma still attached to the label even under the best circumstances.

Marc, I have to respectfully disagree with your statement above. While some might never find it easy to tell, there's NOT always stigma "even under the best circumstances."

Under the best circumstances, it won't faze the person you're telling. I know this for a fact as it has been my experience more often than not.

Another "best circumstance" scenario is that when you tell, they say "hey, me too!" Yes, it happens!

Not everyone is living in the stone age where hiv is concerned. There are people out there who won't freak out when you tell them. You won't know who they are until you disclose, but don't expect a freak-out, expect them to be ok and often times you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Ann

GSOgymrat · « **Reply #14 on:** April 18, 2009, 09:12:18 am »

Odyssey, I know it wasn't the answer you wanted to hear but I think you did the right thing.

odyssey · « **Reply #15 on:** April 18, 2009, 12:57:02 pm »

Thanks, GSOgymrat. I do really think it went well in the sense that he was really accepting, he's just trying to protect his heart. And to next2u, for now I'm not going to be searching around for someone else, and I told him so. There is something very special about him, and I'm willing to give it some time to see if it could work out. I'm not in a hurry to just find any guy that would be okay with me being poz. On top of that, I live in a town on 20,000 people, which is the biggest "city" in the general area, and its not like transguys with hiv and an autism spectrum disorder are a hot commodity. I'd rather spend the time on this potential relationship than just throw out what so far has been very emotionally fulfilling because of this "speedbump". Also, I'm not sure of your definition of "canoodling" but if you meant sex, I'm in no hurry for that either, and neither is he. Even before I disclosed, we had both agreed that we wanted to get to know each other for who the other person really is, instead of just wanting their body. So I will be patient, and understanding, and hope for the best. And if it doesn't work out, I understand that his pain is just too much to overcome his fear. But for now, I have hope.

dtwpuck · « **Reply #16 on:** April 19, 2009, 09:29:36 pm »

Odyssey, congratulations on being emotionally honest with yourself and with your guy.
It would be foolish for anyone to state that life is the same in a small town as it is in a big one. I've lived in both. It is also foolish for people to state that it is always easy to disclose or that there is one formula for how to handle this. But, I would like to say that you have impressed me with how you have described this experience.

I tend to be very cavalier about my status. I am also very self confident and generally completely unconcerned with the approval of strangers. It is easy to forget that not everyone is in the same situation that I am in. Thanks for reminding me that there is a human at the contradicting end of every blanket statement.

Life really doesn't always go the way we want it to go. Just remember, that painful experiences, while they suck, do help you to learn and grow.

One thing I learned when I got my head out of my ass was that friends are extremely valuable. So, even if this does not develop into a romantic relationship, it seems to me that there is no such thing as "just" a friend. I wish I had more friends and fewer exes.

Be strong, buddy. My fondest and best wishes,
Scott

next2u · « **Reply #17 on:** June 09, 2009, 12:15:05 am »

update?

Tar Heel · « **Reply #18 on:** June 09, 2009, 12:44:40 am »

I tell a guy fast- in the initial conversation. Maybe that's why i am currently single. but it's better to just get it out in the open. I hate wondering when to tell them so I just get it over with.

odyssey · « **Reply #19 on:** June 09, 2009, 07:12:36 am »

Well, we are "just friends". Ugh, I hate that phrase. He decided he wasn't ready for a relationship, but rather needed to work on his own stuff. I can understand that, but it still cracked my heart a bit (i.e. not fully broken). I haven't really spent much time with him since, because I can't just shut my feelings for him off just because he doesn't want to date me. But the disclosure went pretty well, he was good about it. Oh well, I guess I'm still on the market then, lol.

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Author Topic: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz??? (Read 6613 times)