Feels like i have been sentenced to die alone and childless.

[anna82]

So i woke late today, having had my typical trouble getting to sleep. Checked my phone; message from the clinic "call us". i did, they refused to tell me about it. i went there and was told i have HIV. Pretty cool.
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i don't know for how long i have been positive, but i had surgery in Thailand Jan 14 and before that i had to prove i was negative. i also had Surgery Oct 14 in the UK and Surgery again in Thailand March 15 and certainly before the Oct surgery they drew blood for tests. i would be amazed if they didn't test in March 15 too.
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If you're wondering why i've had those surgeries, you guessed it am trans. i am one of the lucky ones though. After having my face quite literally peeled off and my skull ground down, i see a girl in the mirror on a good day, and no one seems to guess my history at all. i do tell people before i go on a date, i just don't announce it to everyone.
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Completely separate to being trans, i am also a kinkster (All my trans friends are vanilla, which is just as cool. TL:DR transsexual does not equal kinky). This factor alone narrows the pool of possible partners down to a degree. i struggle to submit to men who are less intelligent than i am, and i am no dummy. Plus i like sadistic partners. Sadists are cool.
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So yeah, dating no walk in the park as it was. Add to that, since i could remember i have always wanted children, but i am barren, so face adoption.
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Now this HIV thing folks. Hum.... It doesn't feel like anything other than a sentence to die alone and childless*?
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The websites i have read all say "don't panic, you're not going to keel over and die". Which i assume means that is the majority's initial reaction.  Mine was to worry about the people i could have infected but i have got that down to zero. i rang all of my partners since the certain blood test in Oct 14 and 2 out of the 4 are clear, the third i barely "did" anything with and the fourth i am 99.9% sure infected me bless him.
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Is this "die alone and childless" feeling prevalent? Or is it the combo of all the other criteria, plus now HIV that leaves me with this resounding realisation.
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Footnote: * Apologies if i am bringing my own bigotry/ignorance to the table here.

[Richie_R2]

Anna,

   Ignorance and bigotry are not the same thing. Ignorance just means you don't know; if you acknowledge that you don't know, it's easily curable! I've been HIV+ for nearly 20 years now, and it's not only treatable, it's a disease I would prefer to have (in terms of its danger and difficulty) over nearly any other chronic disease I can think of. It simply is not the way things were during the era when all the movies about this disease occur. You're going to be fine! Especially since you seem to have the hard part out of the way. Now for the better news...
   HIV+ women have children, healthy children, all the time. I assume you'll be doing your own research on this subject, but take my word for it, once the meds get your virus suppressed, you're basically harmless to the world, in terms of transmissibility. I myself have a wife and child who are negative. Both are beautiful! We plan to have more children in the future. Talk to your doctor about the various possibilities. Of course, that decision will be between you and any future mate you may find (if you do not already have one; I presumed from your tone in your post). But cheer up! And welcome to the club. Basically everything you thought you knew about HIV and AIDS are wrong-- I'm sorry you didn't find out until you were sick enough to have PCP, but your immune system can recover. I have been down as low as 47 T-helper cells (CD4+ cells, we also call them) and am now over 800 out of a norm between 1000-1200. Healthy as can be.
   I am not trying to downplay or ignore your initial panic and fear. Normal and natural. But information will help, support will help, and finding some inner strength will help... we've all been through it. The more stressed you are, the harder it is for the meds to work and your immune system to fight back and recover. So, as I said before: cheer up! And welcome to the club. 

[anna82]

Hi Richie, thanks for the reply, i am super glad you're doing much better now!

In all honesty i am slightly bemused?

- i have no womb.
- i didn't present with PCP
- Forgive me if i sound pedantic: (/) in print or writing, used between alternatives (e.g. and/or )
- i haven't experienced any panic. i was initially concerned i had infected someone. However, having delved deeper; i am almost certain to have been infected by my most recent partner.

Thanks again, anna x

[Richie_R2]

Oh. My mistake! I saw "die alone and childless" and rushed to get something meaningful posted on here before you potentially logged off and went to harm yourself or something. It happens. Feel free to apply the pedantic grammar-baton to anything I write. Under ordinary circumstances, I am a stickler myself.

Now... I'm "retired" from being a biologist and haven't been in college in 15 years, but I'm pretty sure the no uterus thing might be an impediment to having children naturally. However, I don't know the laws worldwide, but there's always adoption! Lots of kids need loving mommies, if you feel so inclined. Now that I've had time to stop my own panic attack and re-read what you wrote at a normal pace, I see that you already pointed that out about your plumbing, and are already considering adoption. But I remain adamant that you are in no way limited by your disease, when it comes to your future or romantic prospects. Anyone who would not accept you as you are, 100% of you, is unworthy of your affections. Cheers and good luck!

[MLSRiley]

trans here (female-to-male) and positive too (also a kinkster). What's up? Nice to know I'm not alone.

[shaunsag]

Anna, I was told I was hiv+ on 05/13/2015, my life changed forever, I did not know who to tell, where to go, how to live, what to do. So many emotions were, and still is, going through my mind.  I just want you to know, you are not alone.  I go to MAO on June 15th. to go over my results and see what treatment (if any) is needed.  Hang in there with me. I need people like you to survive, it gives me something to look up to :-)

[anna82]

Hi thanks for the kind word folks, it is nice to know i am not alone.

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i am making a totally free positive kinkster dating site. It's not the prettiest software, being open source, but it has a friends list, wall, wall-to-wall, internal email type messaging, instant messaging, search, image upload (but i will have to cap it at a small amount of images each because £££ for hosting). It has video uploads too but i need to disable that again because £££.

Watch this space. It's pretty much there just debugging it now <3

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i am back with my ex. we're gonna try and make a go of it. He swears it isn't reactionary to me (and possible Him, being positive). We'll see how it goes.

[Jeff G]

Hi thanks for the kind word folks, it is nice to know i am not alone.

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i am making a totally free positive kinkster dating site. It's not the prettiest software, being open source, but it has a friends list, wall, wall-to-wall, internal email type messaging, instant messaging, search, image upload (but i will have to cap it at a small amount of images each because £££ for hosting). It has video uploads too but i need to disable that again because £££.

Watch this space. It's pretty much there just debugging it now <3

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i am back with my ex. we're gonna try and make a go of it. He swears it isn't reactionary to me (and possible Him, being positive). We'll see how it goes.

Just make sure you get permission from POZ before you use this site to launch yours or they will take your links down and maybe delete your post .

[anna82]

Good point thanks Jeff, i should have considered that

Any admins care to comment please? x