Re: HIV & Dating

[Towel]

I'd like to enter a long-term relationship, but it's hard enough as it is, my gay friends who are completely healthy have a very hard time finding a guy to hold onto as well. But then when you also show your "problems" or faults early on in dating, that just makes it even harder.

Generally, it's not good to lead with your faults when trying to get to know someone new, for it just scares them off. You have to seem perfect and hide any flaws. Thanks to online dating, everyone is always looking for "The best available guy" specially the ones who claim that they are looking for a serious relationship.

At the same time, we are supposed to be honest and upfront about our condition to not start the relationship on a basis of lies. However, whenever I tell someone about my status, they disappear. I have a recent example: I found a guy online who said he wanted something serious. We had a lot in common and found each other to be compatible and similar in a lot of ways. We went on 3 dates, and by this time I could sense he was getting impatient to have sex. Makes sense.

So on date 4, I told him about my status, and that I did not want to have sex without letting him know. He said it's okay and it doesn't change anything. Then he ghosted me the next day. And that's just how it goes again and again. It's really hopeless to actually form something lasting and I am unsure about what to do.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya, and welcome to the forums.

Sorry to hear that you are having dating challenges. Not sure I've ever approached dating the same way so not sure I can be of much help. I just told people upfront my HIV status and had sex, if they stayed around afterwards that was nice (mostly) and if they kept coming back or wanting to meet it became a relationship.

Had a few people politely excuse themselves after I shared my HIV status over the years but that's fair enough and fine, best to know upfront instead of wasting my time.

I think some of the other forum members might be able to provide more constructive advice and support.

I split this post into a new topic as we tend not to post our challenges in other people's threads, also as you are new here and perhaps you can share a bit more about yourself with the forum members, such as how long you have been living with HIV,  how you are doing, how the treatment is going, etc.

Thanks

[Towel]

I had it for about 5 years, and I take the pill every day. I am undetectable.

[Jim Allen]

Fantastic, were going to get along like a house on fire, I can just tell

[Towel]

Haha thank you, that is very sweet 

[harleymc]

We don't have enough information to know what we are discussing.

What are the 'problems' or negatives you are talking about?

With a suppressed viral load HIV certainly isn't a problem unless you are communicating that it's a negative.

We can't tackle stigma in others unless we stop.our internal stigma.

[Towel]

Usually it's about people wanting nothing to do with you once they are aware of the fact that you are HIV+. Undetectable or not.

[numbersguy82]

Hey there and welcome to this wonderful community. I can really empathize with what you’re going through. However I want to echo the same sentiment that Harleymc made, and that dating is hard enough without adding in an extra layer of self doubt from your diagnosis. I have dated many hiv positive men and I can tell you that their diagnosis wasn’t even in the top ten of the reasons why we didn’t work out.

I also know personally how challenging it is to unburden yourself from the guilt and feelings of inadequacy that being hiv positive seems to saddle us with.  It’s my experience that the best cure for those insecurities tends to be time, and yes unfortunately, rejection. We grow from our experiences both good and bad. Sometimes we need to feel both sides of that same coin to truly make progress and move forward. 

I hope you continue to post and find fellowship here in our likeminded “family” and community! Who knows you may find someone here that you won’t have to worry about a diagnosis coming in between you