POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: Philly1972 on July 17, 2008, 11:11:39 am
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So I am 99.999% sure who I got this from. I don't hate him and I don't blame him. I have his number although we've never spoken since our one night stand on New Year's Eve. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't know - in fact I have reason to believe that he was going through his seroconversion which made him so contagious that I got it the way I did. So the big question, do I tell him? (I don't think I could call him so it would have to be through a text message)
If it were me and I found out I infected someone else, even accidently, it would be harder for me to handle than knowing I was infeted myself. If he is dealing with this, I don't want to dump more on him. If he's not, how horrible it would be to find out you are positive through a random text message, plus I'm worried that he'll get defensive, maybe say he got it from me, or deny it - which would make me hate him and impede my own acceptace.
I can think of nothing good that comes from telling him except for one thing - he doens't know he is infected and me telling him forces him to get tested, get medical treatment and maybe prevent him from infecting someone else. But is that my responsibility?
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Um.. yes, obviously. He might not know his status, and could end up in a hospital someday if you don't tell him. All the other stuff doesn't really matter compared to this possible scenario.
Easy call.
Peter
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. . . . well not such an easy call.
Are you sure he gave it to you? You might have infected him, in which case following well intentioned yet misguided advice could go horribly wrong.
You have a right to remain silent. Now seems to be the time to exercise it. :)
Best wishes,
MtD
/edited for a hanging participle/
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I have to agree with Peter on this. If he tests and doesn't have HIV then he'll probably know to always use condoms to prevent contracting it. Sometimes it takes people to actually know someone that has HIV to slap some sense into them to start using protection. If you gave his name as a contact the Health Department will send him a letter.
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. . . . well not such an easy call.
Are you sure he gave it to you? You might have infected him, in which case following well intentioned yet misguided advice could go horribly wrong.
You have a right to remain silent. Now seems to be the time to exercise it. :)
Best wishes,
MtD
/edited for a hanging participle/
Matty, I am unaware of anyone ever getting into serious trouble (ie legal) for infecting someone when they didn't know their own status. What are you suggesting? That those who find out they are poz should never inform previous partners because of possible drama or unforseen legal risks? The ship is sinking -- every man fend for himself! How about working together, and saving some lives along the way?
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Matty, I am unaware of anyone ever getting into serious trouble (ie legal) for infecting someone when they didn't know their own status. What are you suggesting? That those who find out they are poz should never inform previous partners because of possible drama or unforseen legal risks? The ship is sinking -- every man fend for himself! How about working together, and saving some lives along the way?
ahem. http://www.aidsmap.com/en/news/EB54ED90-D152-404A-843C-E7E6A7E18415.asp (http://www.aidsmap.com/en/news/EB54ED90-D152-404A-843C-E7E6A7E18415.asp) , just as an example.
i think that people need to be mindful of their own safety, physical & mental. an individual judegement kinda thing. yes, the person needs to know - as to whether you do the informing, or health dept etc, that is for you to decide what you feel most comfortable with
If he tests and doesn't have HIV then he'll probably know to always use condoms to prevent contracting it
somehow ,i doubt
(welcome, mr philly1972, by the way)
kate
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Hello Philly1972,
Why not go down to your local County Health Dept, and explain the situation to them, exactly as you have explained it here. If your uneasy, the County Health Dept, may be able to contact this person. See if this can be done anonymously.
Ray
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PS,
Just to add. Here's some additional info from the lessons :
http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Disclosure_4946.shtml
It's important for you to be aware of what the laws are in your state with regard to contract tracing and partner notification. Contact tracing refers to the efforts of government agencies to identify any and all persons who might be at risk of contracting HIV from an infected person. Partner notification refers to information conveyed to spouses, sexual partners, needle sharers and others who might be at risk for HIV infection. The laws regarding this vary from state to state. In many states, partner notification can be done anonymously through the state's Department of Health. The Department of Health in your state is a good source of information about what the legal procedure is in your state and how it might apply to you
Ray
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Of course he needs to know, however you go about it; not only for his sake, but for that of his other sex partners past and future. The longer you delay, the greater the potential for him to infect someone else.
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First, I KNOW I didn't give it to him and it was the other way around....I tested negative in October, this happened Dec. 31st and I can't recall even having sex in between, let alone anything unsafe. Plus, I got pink eye and the "flu" 2 weeks later. He had a rash on his torso and arms which I would have thought twice about if I knew then what I know now. I know now that nearly every word out of his mouth that night was a lie, so its possible he knew all along. All I know about this guy is his first name and cell phone number (if it really is his #) - is that enough to give to the health dept?
That night he tried to enter me twice without a condom and tried to have me enter him once - each time I stopped him. I've thought allot about that night and there were many times when I thought he still had the condom on but maybe he didn't since putting one on obviously was not his priority. A couple times I asked if he had it on and he said yes, but he lied about everything else, he could have been lying about that too.
I wish it were as simple as people are making it out to be but it's not - at least not for me. The more I dwell on the night the more angry I become at him. He obviously didn't care about my health that night and possibly could have known he was + then.
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Philly1972,
Yes, give the health department the information you have.
About the anger, you've got to deal with it and learn how to let it go. He might not have known he has HIV. And you were a willing recipient of the sex, right? It takes two, obviously. You might want to seek the help of a professional to overcome this and deal with any feelings you're having regarding your recent infection.
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
Luv,
Betty
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Willing participant in the sex - yes. Willingparticipant in the unsafe sex - no. If he led me to believe he had a condom on but didn't that is different.
Look, I'm not blaming him and I really don't have issues with him to deal with - I just want to move on and take care of me and not worry about whether his problem is my responsibility. If I can give his first name and number to the health dept. then fine, I'll do that - I just don't want to be in contact with him.
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Philly,
How can anyone "lead" you to believe they have a condom on? You have hands, yes? Reach down and feel if there's a condom on that bad boy. It's easy to do. If you didn't, maybe you weren't as interested in safer sex as you think you were. Sorry, but it has to be said.
Ann
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I gotta second that. I'm poz and my partner is negative and I insist he reach down and touch my cock, check the condom before I stick it in. It's goes beyond safe sex it includes mental stability and assurance. I got infected because I voluntarily engaged in unsafe sex with my ex and he didn't know he was infected (but thought he was negative). I agreed to unsafe sex. Sucks but it's true. Hang in there, it just takes time and everyone moves at a different pace and rate in how the respond to it. For whatever reason I have progressed pretty quickly to acceptance. My ex, he's still having problems (he didn't find out he was positive until i told him). Give it time.
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There are positions that do not make it easy to "reach down and check". It's easy to say in hindsight what I should have done and have beat myself up enough over it, but come on....maybe I can install a system of mirrors throughout my house so I can always see whats going on down there!?!? I'm all for being safe, but also practical - it is sex and should be enjoyable and passionate.
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uh huh ... well you know what i find enjoyable and passionate? knowing that i am not going to infect my partner ... takes alot of stress of my shoulders and makes the sex so much better ... if you have to , install the mirrors :-)
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Philly,
I'm intrigued. As a woman/bottom, I have never found myself in a position that prevented me from checking if there was a condom on a cock. Bar being tied up, I just can't imagine... can you enlighten me? Maybe there's a position I've been missing out on for all these years. (and I pride myself on knowing a lot of positions...)
Do you have really short arms?
Ann
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This has gotten so off topic...bottom line, I believed the kid was negative because he told me he was, I provided him protection and asked him to use, I asked him if he was wearing the protection, he said yes, I went back to enjoying the moment....I think I did everything I was supposed to and what a prudent person would do. Could I have done more....well, yea - obviously I could have or I wouldn't be here. But can't everyone here say that they could have done more to prevent their infection?
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Perhaps the question now is how to help you not to keep on suffering emotionally for what happened that night.
The news can go through the Health Department and they can contact him.
Now, look at yourself, the more you think about it... the more angry you get on him and the more you will see there were options to avoid this... but the truth is... there are always options... and we never use them all, same think happened to most of us.
As far as i knew you were ok with your diagnosis right now... i would prefer to see you that way again and not suffering again for all this. Contact the health department and then leave this behind.
Juan Carlos
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Philly,
Now that you're positive, I hope you remember in future to make sure any (allegedly negative) guy you bottom for is wearing a condom, rather than just taking his word for it. I'm not trying to give you a diffcult tiime, I'm just trying to get you to understand the reality of the situation. When you bottom it is totally possible - and the responsible thing to do - to make sure that cock has a condom on it. It's what has to be done and yes, I'm speaking from experience. Sometimes allegedly negative tops will remove the condom, even knowing you're positive, because they think as a top they're immune. They're not.
Ann
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I do understand where you are at. I think though it would be best to tell him. If your not totally in love with this guy, then you should not worry about what he will think, if he knows then he might think twice before having unprotected sex again, and if he didn't know, he can get tested and protect others if he is positive.
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For whatever it's worth - here's my $ .02
I know who infected me since I'd never had unprotected sex - and only had sex with a few men - just out of a 15 year relationship -
called the four men I'd had sex with -
My approach was that - I just got tested and to my surprise I tested POZ and wanted to let you know ask you to please go get tested to protect yourself and make certain I hadn't passed it on to them and to anyone they may have been with -
3 were exactly alike, Couldn't have been more thoughtful and concerned for my well being and thankful for my call, assured me they would go immediately and get tested and let me know the results.
1 listened to my statement and replied "if you've had sex with anyone other than me, you can't prove I gave it to you" - this was the one I new had infected me before my call - and the only one who made it known he was HIV- when we were seeing each other. It isn't a question I usually ask since I'm pretty safe.
I did contact my state dept. of health and they treated me like I was a leper - treatening to come to my home to question me - requesting all my personal and confidential information including my ss# - see almost all states now keep a register and track HIV patients - there is rarely anonymous testing any longer.
I also called the attorney general's office for my state to learn (my state has no protection for MSM transmissions) there was no law that would allow them to prosecute him.
I had learned from a friend who's been POZ for 20+ years - this guy is known as a "gift giver" and apparently has infected many men.
I suppose the conclusion is make the contact - you may find he doesn't know and is thankful for you telling him - or you may learn it was on purpose - either way, at least you know and can do what is best for your health.
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If you agreed to have unprotected sex with this alleged "gift giver" then really the responsibility for your infection rests with you, Delaware.
Welcome to the Forums, by the way.
MtD
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Thanks Matty -
perhaps you didn't read the first paragraph - I've never had unprotected sex with anyone
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Well then I fail to see how you were infected.
MtD
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I share your confusion - I suppose that's why they call him the gift giver - he is apparently doing something during sex without the knowledge of his sex partners
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I see. That does seem confusing.
Your name is Chris, isn't it?
Probably we should stop hi-jacking Philly1972's thread with this conversation. You might like to start your own thread, here or in the Living With forum.
Regards,
MtD :)
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In terms of contacting the guy, Philly, just make sure you look forward and understand the repercussions that could happen. One, he may very well not be + (but again, it sounds like he could have been seroconverting); also, he may genuinely not know that he was + because of it and he may have thought otherwise. Additionally, a lot of negative guys that are negative love to BB and rarely use condoms. I have a buddy that was negative and has been barebacking for 20 years and he still isn't + and he's boned everyone, + and -. There are also guys that do BB that are - and eventually become + and don't want to accept it and go nuts.
You yourself did the right thing and insisted on condom use, but at the end of day perhaps you should have felt his dick to see if it was one or not, but shame on him for not accepting your limits. It's a double edged sword in the way. He insisted and you didn't check. I've also come to realize just because someone says they are negative in their profile doesn't mean they are. They could have forgotten to change it when they convert. Which is why you should always ask.
Now, looking forward to the repercussions...Say he does get tested and comes out -, you just outed yourself to him and he could feel threatened and then turn the tables and potentially sue you. I've seen it happen, yes he may not have a lot of justification but it's a decision you have to make yourself.
If I were in your position I would probably not say anything. If a court situation did arise it will go on your background check as a pending situation and could hurt you for jobs, credit apps, mortgages, etc. Plus more people could find out your + if you don't want a lot of people finding out. Plus it could potentially ruin his life, as well as yours. It could be a lot of drama for both of your families.
Do you want to do that? It could be more stress than what you're dealing with now...
Maybe something to think about...
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its quite easy to dupe someone into thinking a condom is being used ..it happened to me
it was on when he entered me it was ion when he pulled ou t to change positions but as my back was turned he had removed it , without my knowledge , and re-entered me
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I have read this thread title several times and in my head I always hear "yes- of course".
But then when I think about it more, I certainly can see that it is not that simple. I think you will have to go with your best judgement Philly and contact him as and if you deem appropriate.
In the beginning of your post you mentioned that you suspected something, so perhaps an anonymous message from the authorities could help this poor guy in the end. And as you said, maybe it could mean that he finds out about his health, positive or negative.
Although I wouldn't want to know, I'd want to know, you know?
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Its all academic, If neither of you asked the other about HIV status then none is at fault individually.
These days there are a lot of legal ramifications if either Knew the status and didn't inform the other party to whom was involved in sex.
Be smart next time, especially now that you know your own status.
Ask a lawyer before any conversation.
Much Love,
Jerry
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Okay, lots of great advice from folks...
But, WHY? What do you hope to accomplish? It's important to start with a goal in mind. Is your goal to get even? get it off your chest? or is it truly about the other guy?
Once you know why you want to contact him, and what you want to accomplish, along with what you will probably accomplish, then you will have a good idea if you should.
At the very least you should have a counselor encourage him to get tested.
Beyond that, I urge you to exercise the course of action that results in the most overall good. In otherwords, if you are just wanting to have a fit of angry-queen syndrome... save it for therapy. It's not that it's unjustified, or unwarranted, it's just that it won't put you in a better place. Stress is toxic.
I can't speak for your situation, but mine is really similar. I was with someone who said they were negative. Ultimately the responsibility not to engage in safe sex is mine. Regardless of what I was told. I'm the one who didn't play safe. I see no point in being mad at myself. It gets me noplace I want to be.
I forget who said it, but the first step in solving problems is to identify what you can't change and put in the "not now" or "so what" pile.
Even something as monumental as eating a whale is done one forkful at a time. Life is what you make it and I choose to make mine fulfilling and upbeat whenever possible.